Is BM, my wife, a bad mother?
I met my wife when her son, my SS, was 7 years old. He was 10 lbs overweight. She had him at 16 and she allowed him to play video games at 3 and lost all his teeth by 5 from eating too much candy. I was told from all the grandparents and family watching him while she went to school.
She continued to feed him too much and now at 14 he weighs 175 at 5'2". He was doing and continues to do poorly in school and she has only been to one parent teacher conference.
He lies and breaks things in our house, which they moved into mine, without any consequences, but a short yell of, "why did you do that?"
I put him into sports and spent time with him, but he quit as he got older. He just lays around and goes out to play with children half his age. He threw one 6 year old 1/10 his size in a garbage can and now the neighbor doesn't let them play together.
The last 2 Xmas' and mother's day he did nothing for his family, but spends money on himself like water. He works with his BF making money.
BM just watches reality tv or on myspace loading photos and he just complains. She enables him and wants life to be of no conflict. Is this the way all mothers are when they had them as an umarried teen?
No, in fact, many times
Many times younger moms have no patience and are harder on their kids! She needs to get it together!
Nope ..... not all. My wife was also 16.
But, she gets the parenting thing. She stayed and graduated with her HS class when the principal tried to get her to go to pregnant girl GED school with the rest of the pregnant teen mothers.
She moved out of state with a 1yo and no support network to attend an accelerated college program so that she could finish her BS a year early and get to providing for herself and her son. (I entered the picture at this point when SS was ~15mos old, we married a week before SS turned 2yo.)
She finished her MBA and her CPA and has finally learned how to hold SpermDad accountable. (the last thing took a long, long time)
So, it sounds to me me that the problem is not your SS, the problem is his mother.
Is there something you and Bio-Dad could do to hold her accountable for being a more effective parent?
I am not sure what that would be but she has to get this figured out before her son is past the point of no return for ever becoming a viable adult.
If it is an option, you may want to consider Military School. There are no couch potatoes, they do not tolerate inactivity or non participation and if you can not motivate yourself they are experts at providing motivation. Instant feedback on decisions, good or bad, works wonders for many kids. It worked wonders for me and my younger brother and it is working miracles for my now 16yo SS. Though not as severe, he had similar behaviors as you describe with your SS. There are some reasonably affordable options out there that middle income families may be able to afford.
Drop me a message in to my inbox and I will be happy to discuss the several options that we reviewed while researching for my SS.
Good luck and best regards,
well my mum
had me at 18 my dad left a year later i was always able to do what i wanted yes i played video games i played out when i wanted (not after dark) she allowed to me to slouch on the couch if i wanted to
and i turned out just fine !
not many people my age own their own property work daily 9-5 and also work weekends just to pay the bills.
i feel that my mums attitude to raising me was right as long as i didnt disrespect her in any way i could do what i like.
i feel if she would have givin me boundaries that i would have felt the need to break them evry single one of my friends that has been rasied with boundaries is now taking cocaine smoking weed doing pills one or all of these and luckly i never turned to that, so many of my friends are now dying (only 20) either getting into fights over doses or something and i do blame it on the raising of them with all the ba boy attitude going round it make them feel big to break rule weather it be their mums or the law !
No way!
I was an unwed teen Mom - I had my son at 16 (barely) and my daughter at 18. I always knew how society looked at teen Mom's and unwed mothers. Though, I did marry their father when I was 18, I worked hard to make sure that my children were better behaved, dressed, and taken care of just becuase of the fact that I felt I would be judged by tougher standards. I guess it was a pride thing. I thought I know I made a "mistake" but damn it, I love these babies and I am not going to let people judge them or me. Still to this day (they are 10 and 8)I have to work extra hard to make their teachers and doctors take me seriously at 26. I am very strict on my kids and they WILL become productive members of society. Yes, we had to grow up together but I worked my butt off to make sure that my age was not a factor in their upbringing...
"God grant me the serenity accept the things I cannot change; the strength to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.
You too are an inspiration
Grace,
Good job. I know you probably do not care about my opinion but I wanted you to know that you, CG and my wife are all inspirations. Children who chose to grow up instantly in order to give your kids as good a life as possible. My wife continues to be my inspiration and I am proud to be her husband and father to my SS.
At 33 my wife still struggles with school administrators/teachers/Doctors/Nurses discounting her or not giving her the respect due to a parent. She mitigates it by handing them her MBA CPA business card as soon as a conversation begins.
If they talk down to her she interrupts them, tells them to read the card and assures them that she is not an idiot. Her frustration level got to the point that she would not just sit through their rudeness and lack of professionalism.
Congrats to you, your kids and your husband.
Best regards,
Thanks Rags
We had a rough go of it. My first marriage did not last but now I am married to a great man who is just as proud of me as you are of Mrs. Rags! My now husband and I work hard to support our kids. We both work professional jobs with good salaries and are raise our children (he has two boys with a 50/50 visitation schedule)in a loving environment. Just like your SS, my children are so fortunate to have a father who loves them and takes responsibility for them, regardless of blood-relation.
BTW: One of my hardest lessons was also making their absent bio-dad accountable for his actions. Other than that I am a pretty quick learner!
Thanks, again.
"God grant me the serenity accept the things I cannot change; the strength to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."