On 9/17, you posted a topic "Too much damage & it's only year #1!". The ladies then gave you some pretty good advice then. I'd go back and re-read it.

Your DH isn't being fair at all, giving you an ultimatum like this. Maybe that should be a clue in making your final decision, seeing how he is considering YOU in all of this?

Just a thought.

After re-reading all of your past postings myself, I really feel for you. This must be a terrible situation you are in right now. Keep us posted.

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

you left a month ago so probably 3-4 counseling sessions at most, right? If he thinks that is going to undo the damage he's done and if he thinks he's been able to sort out and fix enough of the issues in that amount of time that it is appropriate for him to demand you move back then he clearly is SO disconnected from what you want and need that I can't image he'd be able to really make the changes and compromises that need to happen. Seriously, file.

But, I too, don't think he has been very considerate of your feelings. Personally, I don't care for ultimatums. If it is possible to work things out, it will take counseling, comprimise and patience on his part. (Not sure if I spelled that right)

You can't undo long term damage in just a few weeks. You deserve to be respected.

Georgie (((hugs)))

My exH tried every tactic in the book to change my mind. Then told me the day the divorce was final that he would still take me back anytime (then moved my sons' SM in a few months later- I was almost tempted to ask him if the offer was still good to test him, but of course I didn't.)

My niece just did this. She has been with the same man for several years. He has a 6 yr old daughter (very challenging- BM is a drug addict and crazy so they have FC no unsupervised visitation.)She has a 5 yr old, very precocious (formerly known as the 2 year old great niece who SCREAMED through my wedding ceremony.) Together they have a 2 yr old possibly autistic son. Very stressful.

He is a decent guy as a buddy or pal. Really loyal to his friends and wonderful with the kids.

But he refuses to allow her to have her own myspace acct (has to have his name and pic in the title) he also owns a shack of a house in a really run down neighborhood and refuses to consider moving to where she would like to live. And he will not agree to marry her.

So she left. All of us liked him enough, but really rallied around her because the above reasons were valid ones for leaving.

Then he started seeing someone else right away, pushed her to make a choice or lose him forever. She caved. I was so sad for her because he did it that way so she could talk herself into letting go of marriage, a better home/neighborhood, etc. And she bought it.

I am pretty sure they will end up in the same place soon. And each time she moves out and back in how awful that must be for the kids, you know?

I don't remember your whole situation, but I would talk to the counselor about this ultimatum and tell him he either comes in for that visit, or you will file. When someone loves you, they want you to be happy, not dictate the relationship. Even if it means they lose you. Emotional blackmail is not a loving gesture.

Goodluck,
Hugs,
Z

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I agree with the ladies on this one - he is trying to intimidate you and back you into a corner by offereing you an ultimatum and a timeline for that matter. As much as it will hurt I think you are better off without this guy hun. Hang in there!!

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

i know how hard it is to end a relationship im still hurting now 5 months later dont get me worng im much better now i can see how much better off i am without him i dont love him and see what a mess he made me i had no life at all ! and now i can do wahtever i want i havent got to worry about what he is going to be thinking or doing (i was right to be worried )

you will be ok the first few weeks you will be bad not want to get up crying all day

i had to come into hospital twice i had gotten myself that bad i coul;dnt breath and was throwing up everywhere

but now

im back in work i also work a night job at weekends so i have extra money to go out and socialise

im happyish if i had somethign to focus on like when my kitten was a proper kitten id be fine

I've seen it (okay, done it) before - we fall in love not with the actual person but the potential we see for the person they could be. Most of the time they never become the person we hope for, maybe a glimmer here and there but nothing sustainable. They we're left where you are now...

There will of course be a mourning stage at the end of a marriage or significant relationship, but if you try to recognize when you're mourning reality and when you're mourning potential it's a lot quicker getting through it. The things you're mourning most were never really possible with him.

Hang in there - do something nice for yourself!

It happens to all of us. Sometimes more than once. You are mourning and missing the dream of what you thought your life with him would be.

Goodluck. Chin up. And definitely pick up the good book, wine, and hang out with your GFs.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra