having trouble dealing............
I am a full time step Mom of 2 great daughters....I and their dad have been raising them for the past 11 years. My husband has sole custody..The girls are now 14 and 18...Their bio Mom has not seen them in 9 years due to mental illness and drug and alcohol problems...For the past 3 years bio mom and oldest have been writing back and forth, just in the past year have they started to talk on the phone....Bio Mom now has been sober for 6 months and is being properly medicated for her mental illness.
Now here is what i am having trouble dealing with..I have been "Mom" to both of them all these years. I adore both of them..I have been the constant mom in their lives all these years..Now Bio Mom constantly calls herself "Mom" and they are HER girls..I resent this to no end...I know she gave birth to them, but I love them as if I gave birth to them...How do I deal with this struggle within myself????????
Thanks for listening...........
somebody here said something about a pie.
that is that love is not finite, love is infinite.
Your kids are trying to make sense of things and it seems with good reason you are very wary of their mom. She has not been there for them like you have. I think I'd be upset with her calling herself Mom and them 'her girls' but it sounds like she is trying to reclaim some of her life.
It sounds like these girls, who I would avoid calling either 'yours' or 'hers' are possibly more able bodied than their BM. All you can do is wait and let them know her on their own terms. Chances are they'll come to see that their lives would have suffered greatly without you in it. I'm sure you'll always be a mom too.
having trouble dealing........
Thanks for your reply....Bio Mom IS trying to reclaim some of her life, but at the same time she is trying to reclaim 2 daughters that she has had verly little to do with for the past 9 years. Even before my husband divorced her she was not "motherly". How do you claim to be 'Mom" when you have NEVER mothered before ??? I guess I feel she is stepping on my toes so to speak. Where I have been "mom" all these years and she feels she can just come back and be "mommy"...
SHe walked away and left these 2 little girls with so much pain and baggage . My husband and I have worked so hard to clean up her mess that she left behind...and have them live a "normal" life..It definetly has not been a walk in the park, but their love has been worth it all......
you gave them a leg to stand on
you did a great job and when they grow up and look back at their life they will remember you where there for them unconditionally, I understand the twinge of jealousy it is ok to feel that way, however kids are always going to want to think the best of their parents (bio) whether that parent deserves or not.
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
It must be hard for you
After all, you were the one who has been there for the girls all these years. I'm sure they will always be grateful for your presence in their lives.
Parents are not perfect and they do make mistakes. Sometimes when people are in the deepest recesses of their own misery it's hard to see how it affects those around them. It takes a lot of courage and hard work to right the wrongs in one's life. If it were easy, everyone would be perfect. Believe me, she will have to answer to her daughters for the heartache she has caused. As hard as it is for you, you have to remember that they are in fact her daughters and if she is striving to make a sincere effort in changing she should be extended the benefit of the doubt. The girls will proceed cautiously in developing a relationship with their mother, but by the same token, they will not be as forgiving if she reverts to her old ways.
I have heard several of the step moms here say that their job is often a thankless one. They do all of the work and get none of the recognition. Of course you feel threatened. It's only natural when faced with the potential of losing something you dearly love. The girls will most certainly not have the same relationship with their bio mom as they have with you.