**UPDATE - HE'S GONE!* Grown SS moving into our house
I was hoping this would not happen but unfortunately it is - my 23 year old stepson is moving into our house again. He is moving to our city from his mother's house which is very far away. So he asked if he could move in with us. My DH and I discussed it and I agreed (even though I didn't want to) that he could move in while he was getting settled, finding his own place to live, and getting a job. I am trying to be supportive to DH.
This kid has caused a lot of marital problems in the past. He has a history of drug use (marijuana, cocaine) and a history of long periods of unemployment. He has no education past high school (dropped/flunked out of junior college, cannot return). He has been living with his mother for 2.5 years. Most of the time since high school (he graduated 4.5 years ago) he was been couch surfing or living off other people, although he has been working most of the time for the past 2 years (but living with Mom - not supporting himself). He also had a serious illness (now resolved) while he was at his Mom's.
He is arriving January 13. I am really dreading it. This kid hates me and scares me to death. When he is using drugs he gets confrontational, agressive, bizarre, and disruptive. Things disapper from the house etc. We don't know if he is clean or not - when he left our city 2.5 years ago, he had a regular cocaine habit. His mother always says he is fine. She is well-meaning but fairly clueless.
I also dread the damage this will do to my marriage. I love my husband very much but every time we have to deal with this kid we end up close to divorce. We already had a fight this morning and he isn't even here yet! I asked DH if he was going to get SS a cell phone and he said that would be the cheapest way for him to get a phone - to add another line to our existing cell phone plan. I commented that if SS deals drugs or uses the phone for any illegal activity, and the phone is in our name, it could cause us problems. DH got ANGRY AT ME and VERY DEFENSIVE like he always does when I say anything that intimates or mentions that SS does bad stuff (even though he has done a lot of bad stuff). I don't know how to say anything regarding SS without DH getting angry at ME and defensive.
But if I feel upset or that my safety is threatened, I feel like I have to say something.
Any advice is welcome. I am mostly looking for advice on how to keep my marriage good. Helping SS is a lost cause - all efforts to date wasted.
Nellie
Make a written contract
Nellie--Can you create a written contract with your DH and SS? Taking the advice of a counselor that worked with my SD(18) in drug rehab, we created a written contract that was then signed by the other two adult skids who were in our home at the time.
The "Home Contract" outlined (1) the house rules (no stealing, drug use etc.), (2) how long the skid was going to stay in the house, (3) goals that the adult skid had to meet to show they were moving forward with their lives (school, working, savings, etc.), (4) our responsibilities as the parents, and most importantly, the consequences if they violated the contract.
At the time I was dealing with a SS (21) in our home who was an alcoholic and pothead. His contract terms included not bringing alcohol into the house, not stealing ours, and not involving his sister--the SS(18) who just completed rehab--in his drinking and drugging. Within two weeks he had violated all three of the terms and we had to apply the consequence which was kicking him out of the house.
While the contract was designed for the adult skids on the surface, I realized later that it was mostly for my DH and myself! In writing the contract we had to both agree on the terms and consequences--so we were both prepared to deal with whatever happened. That silly piece of paper actually EMPOWERED my DH, who defaults to enabling his adult children all too easily. It also gave me the confidence to believe that my DH would take action if necessary.
I hope this helps a little. Hang in there!
Thanks for replying
Thank you Sarah101 for your feedback. We already considered the "contract" idea. My DH asked me to write up what I considered acceptable and not acceptable. I did that and it caused an argument. This was a couple months ago when it was clear that SS was moving back here and was asking to move in with us again.
I think that one thing I did wrong in the write-up of acceptable/unacceptable things was to write a justification for each condition. For example "we will not open a joint bank account with SS because... the last account he had he overdrew by $800 and defaulted, so being on an account with him would risk our credit rating and cost us money to protect our credit rating." I felt I needed to explain it all but I think it just pissed DH off. Nobody wants to be reminded about all the screw ups their kid did.
Although, DH agreed with most of the points, and he had a few objections. But mostly we agreed on the main points.
So when he talked to SS last weekend, he told him there was a time limit this time for his stay, and if he did drugs he was out of the house immediately. SS agreed with the terms although last time he moved in, he agreed to a "no drugs" policy, then went out the first night and got high. DH didn't make him move out for 3 1/2 months - when we were on the verge of divorce - even though we knew he was doing drugs yet again. So although DH says all the right things, he doesn't always enforce things (but sometimes he does enforce things). I guess it's hard to put your kid on the street. I don't know this time if he would or not.
So I don't think we will have any type of written contract. I'm afraid to even bring it up.
As for deadlines for job etc, I don't really care if he gets a job or arranges for a new place to live or not, so long as DH sticks to his time restriction for SS's stay. Of course I care about these things for SS's sake - obviously SS is better off if he decides to get a job and arranges for another place to live. But if he has to move out by X date no matter what, then it doesn't really affect me one way or the other so I really don't think I have any justification for saying "he has to have a job by so much time".
exactly
Nellie, I had exact same thought as Sarah101 except she explained it much better and more clearly! So ditto.
My first thoughts were atlk before he got there and make clear outlined boundareis of what each expected and thatw ay you can hopefully feel more secure with what will be out of line once SS gets there and if DH does not support you, then you have every justification for yanking out the frying pan!!!!
Good luck.
"We don't understand life anymore at 40 then at 20, but we know it and admit it" Jules Renard
SS
Why is he leaving his moms house? Why is he moving in with you? Why did his dad agree to this knowing all the damage he has done in the past? I would have issued an ultimatium over this one. I don't live with people that do drugs and you should not have to put up with this crap. He is not 10 years old he is 23 and he needs to get a life somewhere else.
Reasons for moving back are unclear to me
I have also wondered and tried to figure out why he is moving back here. At his Mom's house, he has a free place to live with no threat of being kicked out. His Mom does not pressure him to work and at times has encouraged him to wait a while before getting a job etc. In a nutshell there are no expectations of him whatsoever. When he is here in California, he seeks just that - someone to live with rent free and no expectations. He has found it at his Mom's but is giving it up. Also, his Mom lives in the UK and she got him residency there, so he has free medical care - the importance of which became very clear last year when he got a major illness that would have cost probably $100K to treat in the US. And this is an illness that may recur - and he won't have medical care here unless he gets a full time job with benefits. He has never had a full time job here so I don't see that happening. I can't believe he is walking away from free medical care.
I can think of some possible reasons why he wants to move back here:
1. The weather in the UK sucks, cold and rainy all the time. Where we live in California it is sunny and nice most every day.
2. He grew up here with us from the age of 8, and so he probably feels like this is his "home town" and he knows people here. Although his friends kicked him out right before he left here - I think he has worn out his welcome and destroyed all his old freindships by taking advantage of their friendship with couch surfing and scary behavior when he did cocaine. But in the UK, he has no friends (according to his younger brother, who we speak with frequently.)
3. He left a car here - so he has mobility. In the UK he has to take the bus everywhere.
He arrives today. I am walking on eggshells. I am hopeful that he is done with drugs as he says, and trying to be optimistic. Although by nature I am a logical person and my expectations of the future are that the future will be a rerun of the past.
Nellie
Why his Dad is letting him come back
Well he is an adult after all. Age 23. You can't tell an adult where they can live, can you?
But you don't have to help them do it, if you think it isn't good for them. Frankly I think he is better off in the UK. This is the place where he has done the drugs and he left a long trail of debts and problems in his wake last time he left. He can't open a bank account, use the public library, attend junior college, etc because of all the bad accounts he left behind. Also no medical care here.
But in the end DH just wants his son to be happy, and I understand that. And SS says he wants to live here, he wants it a lot. So to make SS happy, DH is helping him do it, he even got him a plane ticket, and is letting him live here for a while.
Think positive
As you seem to be very negative you ss might surprise you. Your husband has spoke about how long he can stay for and the rules he has to stick to.
I know that you have right to worried because of before but this is not and think to yourself this is his last chance. If he proves wrong they say to your husband you want him gone. Another thing i think your not wanting him back as he caused so much problems you are fearing that this will make you split and you and your husband are happy without him living with you.
One thing I will say i wonder why he left his mothers? Give it a try and see if he has changed if not say well I think he got to go. Especially if he don't make no effort to get a job.
Thanks for the encouragement
Thank you Mystery23 for the words of encouragement. I will try to be positive and see everything in the best light. Maybe SS knows he doesn't have many chances left. People only help you so many times and then they are done trying. So maybe he is serious about staying away from drugs and working and supporting himself and being a productive member of society.
Think positive and be optimistic! My new mantra.
Nellie
Good luck!
Good luck Nellie! Please keep us posted on how its going with your SS. It's good that you are being cautiously optimistic--with emphasis on "cautiously."
After the honeymoon period you and your DH will find out soon enough if SS is serious about staying sober, or if he has joined you in CA to start where he left off.
Stay sane my friend
Sarah
Do you get on with him
If you do sit him down and say to him how you feel. I am actually a adult-step-daughter and never spoke to my step-mum how I felt alot of the time. Not communication at all.
I hope everything works out for you. Just remember this whatever happened if it don't work out you can say to yourselves and your husband you did try.
How things are going...
So far, OK with SS23. He has been here 5 days and has taken some positive steps towards independence.
He applied to get his old job back (pizza delivery) and has a job interview Monday. I think they will hire him back.
He has gone to look at two places with a room to rent, but neither was suitable and fit his budget but at least he is looking and starting to relax his standards on where he will live (we live in a nice, expensive suburb where it is very unrealistic to live if you are unskilled and uneducated).
So far no evidence of drugs so fingers crossed. He did have red eyes but blamed it on very old disposable contacts and as I have not smelled marijuana or incense in the house, and he has been home almost all the time, so I think he is telling the truth.
SS and DH have had a few "disagreements" but I just stay out of it. DH is trying to get SS to try to get a better, full time job with benefits etc, such as Home Depot, Costco, Post Office, Supermarket, etc. SS says he loves delivering pizza because he likes to drive around and listen to music and will not budge off his job choice. I told DH later (out of earshot of SS) - that SS is a grown man and it's up to him what type of job he likes/wants/can handle. At least his is trying to get a job so it doesn't seem worth the battle.
26 more days to scheduled move out deadline.
Next week DH is going out of town on business - hope it goes well. I plan to be gone a lot.
Nellie
Sad case...
SS23 has been asking what his siblings are doing. He's been in the UK for 2.5 years and kind of out of touch. His stepbrother 22 (my bio son) just graduated from college last June, and has a professional job, making good money and enjoying life in the San Francisco area. His stepsister 20 (my bio daughter) is a junior in college and doing fantastic in a major that will get her a very good paying job. SS23's natural brother (which is my SS21) is graduating college this June.
So the future looks bright for his 3 siblings. When he hears about them, I wonder if he thinks "I have really f***ed up. I'm the oldest, I should have a degree and a decent job."
Three out of four ain't bad
Nellie--Congrats on three successful adults! From my experience, I would think that your SS23 definitely feels the odd one out--delivering pizzas while his siblings have worked through college and are doing well. The gap will grow larger as they move on in their lives and careers and he is still delivering pizza.
I have 5 adult skids. #1,SD25 has worked through college, is considering grad school, and her prospects look good. The rest have dropped out of college, or barely made it through high school. As they each realize that their job prospects are minimum wage and what that means for their lives, they each resent #1 instead of looking at themselves. I remind them that they can still go to college and get careers instead of just jobs, but they are unwilling to commit to the work involved.
Frankly, their attitudes baffle me. How do they think they will ever make a living?
Once I made the point that the only way DH and I afford our home and cars is that we went to college and worked hard--no trust funds or wealthy parents here. SD24 looked at me and said, "Oh, you guys were just LUCKY." I guess some will never understand...
They had it easy - they were supported through college!
What is even more unbelievable is that SS23 walked away from total financial support to go to college!
We presented all 4 of our kids the same deal - go to college full time and pass your classes, we will pay your basic expenses (rent, food, utilities, tuition and books, car insurance). This was funded by college accounts contributed to by myself, DH, and my ex-husband (in an account for my two bio kids with ex). We expected them to take full loads and complete their degree in 4 years.
The alternative, if they didn't want to go to college, was to move out and get a job and support themselves.
Sounds like a no brainer to me. College is so fun anyway.
But SS23 suprised us by coming up with alternative #3. Move out and live with other people and slack most of the time. We never imagined this as an alternative.
The plan worked pretty well with the other kids, except SS21 who quit school once and then wanted to start at another school where he could not transfer credits. We wanted to help him but were pretty pissed off about the $20K he wasted on the first school. So we told him to take out loans in his name, and if he graduated, we would pay them off. If he quit again, the loans were on his head. Worked like a charm, he is finishing in 3 years, set to graduate June 27 2008, and we are all ready to pay off the loans.
Nellie
He's Gone! Already!
I can't believe this but SS23 already moved out! He looked at a room to rent on Saturday and decided to take it. It was super cheap and he didn't want to pass it up even though he could have stayed with us for 3 more weeks. It was only $400, which includes utilities. It doesn't come any cheaper than that in my expensive southern California city.
He needed $400 for rent and $200 deposit which of course he didn't have. He had some money, but not the $600 he needed to get the room. Can you believe he lived with his Mom for 2 years and 3 months and didn't even save enough money to get started here. We told him he needed to save enough to get started here before he came back, and he told us he had saved 1500 pounds (equivalent to $2850), but when he turns up here, he only has about $800. Hmmmm.
So DH and I decided to give him some money so he could move out now. I figured if he had only saved $800 in over two years, it would take him a year to save enough to move out and quite frankly, it was worth giving him money to get him out of here. So we gave him $500 and he got the room. The money is not really an issue for us, and there's not much point in trying to make SS23 "be responsible" and earn enough himself to move out. The man is a no hoper and no amount of parenting in 23 years has made him a responsible adult and I have lost all hope of that. Then he dawdled and took 2 days to move his stuff out, but by last night, he was gone.
I am SOOOOOO thankful. DH left this morning on a business trip, and I wasn't looking forward to being alone with SS23.
The only issue now is he is living in our city again. This is always drama because he makes so many idiot decisions.
Nellie
Yay! Hope this is the end!
Nellie--Wonderful news! We must live in a paralell universe, because just this morning my DH had to come up with $700 for rent & deposit for SS(21)for a place to live in Florida (many states away from us thank goodness).
While we could certainly use the $700, I felt that it was a small price to pay to be done with SS(21). He just flunked out of college again, and has a pretty serious alcohol and pot problem. My DH assures me that this is really "THE END" of the handouts and payments to SS(21), and I hope he means it.
Last month he handed SD(24) $1000 for deposit & rent, and I figured that was a small price to be done with her too. Again, DH assured me that that last handout to SD(24) was "THE END."
All these handouts, plus significant $$$ for his other three adult children, has really set us back. Sometimes it's hard to pay our own bills. I fear that DH will continue to give handouts so his loser adult kids won't "end up on the street" (boy, do they ever play this angle). We'll have to see.
Bottom line--great news, and congratulations! Enjoy your weekend!