We have the same problem sort of. My skids call their BM's husband Dad... They call their father Papa (caught them a couple of times calling him by his name when they THOUGHT no one could hear them..)

I am just called by my first name... I am often ignored or tolerated... They like their sdad WAYYYY better than they like me. Mind you.. the sdad and bm got married on the night I had my first date w/my dh... so.. the break up is NOT my fault.

I think I mentioned this in a post quite a while ago ,that there actually is research showing male figures are more accepted in role of step parent and that the agression the SM's get and added stress is much higher.
I thought God was only punishing us for Eve's actions by making childbirth painful!
"We don't understand life anymore at 40 then at 20, but we know it and admit it" Jules Renard

My skids call their SF "Daddy." He has beaten their mother up in front of them, put her in the hospital, they've all had to flee the house when he went on a rampage, he's a substance abuser who has been in and out of treatment, he can't hold a job, he treats everyone like shit, one of the kids told me once that he'd hit her so hard on the leg while "spanking" her that it left a mark for several days, etc.

But my DH, the REAL daddy, the one who has bent over backwards to try to prove to them how much he loves them, gets nada. And me? Well, we used to have a pretty good relationship in the beginning, but their mom sort of went off the deep end when DH and I were expecting and nothing has been the same since. They used to love me. They used to be openly loving and affectionate with me. Then their mother started feeding them BS about us and now neither one of us can get them to return our calls. Go figure.

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook

I've been wracking my brains trying to figure out the answer but all I can come up with is I don't know. My mother married my stepdad when I was about 8 years old. The stepkids never called him daddy, although he was more of a dad to us than our own father was. My stepdad was not warm or affectionate to us, but he cared enough to teach us right from wrong and made sure our basic needs were met. My own father never cared enough to make sure we at least had food to eat. Before my mom married my stepdad, things were so bad that mom went without food just so us kids could eat. My stepdad was accepted because he was mom's husband. Even at that young age we knew that the adults ran the show and gave our stepdad the respect he deserved.

I met my stepmother for the first time when I was 19. She was very sweet to me; in fact, she treated me with more love and affection than my own father did. I would never ever disrespect her, firstly because she was an adult and secondly because she was good to me. How could I possibly hate this woman? I never viewed her as someone I had to compete with where my dad was concerned. She was my dad's wife, I knew where her place was and I knew where my place was.

I guess it all just boils down to how I was raised. My mother taught us that we were to respect adults. Mom never bad-mouthed my father even though she had enough reason to but she never did. She would have knocked our teeth out if she ever heard us speaking to an adult the way some kids do today. I think any time a family breaks up, relationships become so polarized that kids often feel the need to "take sides" out of some warped sense of loyalty. Unfortunately they often take the side of the mother, and you know that kids will always love their mother no matter how bad or rotten she is. I also think that in a kid's mind, the parent who isn't there is the one that is responsible for the break up of the family, so anyone attached to that person is also viewed as responsible, meaning the stepmoms. It certainly doesn't help that some BM's reinforce this way of thinking, whether consciously or unconsciously.

Divorce is never an easy situation, regardless of who is responsible for the breakdown of the relationship. We know that women tend to display more emotions than do men, and sometimes the boundary between mom and kids becomes blurred. Moms will often rely on the kids for emotional support, where dads will generally try to keep the kids out of it. So then the kids end up hearing one side of the story (when they shouldn't be hearing it at all), automatically blame dad and whoever may be attached to dad as the cause of the break up, and well, you know what they say about shit rolling down hill.

This last post is right where I am now. SD neither listens or obeys what is told to her by either her dad or myself. We have yet to spank her in the 2 years thats she's been here. And all the talking, asking and even yelling is not working. My mom told me we need to put our foot down and disipline her the old fashioned way. She says it would only take a few smacks on the bum until she figured things out. I am not sure I could do it. DH seems to be shy in this area as well. But what are we to do? Let her tell us how we are to live and how she is to be? I am sooo lost.

My 5 year old son (my 4th child, 3rd son) is very logical, independant, headstrong and will argue like crazy with us. We have given him a couple of swats on the butt and will threaten to do so again. If we hadnt he would rule the whole house and everyone in it!!! Believe me I dont like to do it but it sure changes his attitude pretty fast.

As far as sf vs sm I strongly believe that it all depends on the custodial parents attitude. In my case the bm has (since the birth of my son) systematically alienated the sds from their dad and myself. She even went so far as to get them to call her husband daddy and thier dad (my dh) by his first name!!! She also had their last name changed on their school records. Imagine my dhs shock when his daughters name was announced at her grade 8 grad!!! Myself, I dont exist at all - but when I did exist they called me by my first name.

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. Albert Einstein

how the skids are with their sfather. They never talk about "the other house" so I honeslty have no idea. I think SD gets along with him well. I also think BM forced the issue, but who knows. Just knowing the discipline problems with SS and hearing from people who have seem them in public, I have a feeling SF is about as useless and clueless as BM. I wish I knew of a way to get info out of the kids but they always close up if we ask any questions at all. You can always tell SD is being very cautious when it comes to them talking about their mom. I guess they have a lot they need to be careful about saying. I know SD always used to defend her mom and everything. Even silly, stupid things. I guess if I had a mom like her I would have to do the same thing...