What do I do?
My fiance and I both have very demanding jobs. One Friday that we needed to pick up the Skids for the weekend my fiance was in a meeting that was running late. I was very busy myself but I volunteered to go and pick up the boys drop them home (by that time my fiance would have been home) and go back to work to finish my projects. My fiance called and told the kids to be ready because I didn't have much time..they were playing outside when I got there so they went in to get their stuff...only to come out with their mother's 2 dogs saying that " my told us we need to walk the dogs" so i was sitting in the driveway waiting for 15 minutes.
A week after that, I had to pick them up again and their mother was keeping them on the phone so they don't come out on time. So again I am waiting 15 minutes. When their father confronted them when they got to our house they said their mother had said that doesn't matter if I wait, their visitation rights were not with me but with their father.
WHAT DO I DO??? this has me very upset.
YOU NEED A NUETRAL ZONE
Your pick up and drop-offs need to be at a neutral zone...school, 7-11, grocery store, etc. Agree on a time and a place, show up there on time, wait 10 minutes unless you get a call and then leave if she isn't there. We had the same problems over here. BM would be late, show up unannounced, have something come up, not be able to have the kids ready, etc. The last time this happened we (Dh and I) had and appointment to look at a house at 5. She was supposed to pick the kids up at our house at 4:30. At 4:50 she still wasn't there...we (the kids, DH and me) headed out to our appointment. She called his cell a little after that and wanted us to come back. He said "I was where I was suppposed to be, I have plans, you can get the kids when I am done." Of couse she was PISSED, becuase someone she loves drama and she wants to control every situation, but IT HAS NEVER HAPPENED AGAIN. If she is going to be late, if she needs to change the plans, if the kids aren't ready, etc. she finds a way to get in touch with us...it is like a miracle! She is like a kid...she learns some tings the hard way!
Don't let her comments about visitation being with father bother you. I too, had this same issue. It was about dr. appointments. She said I had no legal right to take them to the dr. She is throwing out digs and you CANNNOT react to them! It is not going to stop....but you have to let her be the miserable one! DONT GIVE IN TO IT! She is trying to control you and DH...you guys have to turn the tables....
I will end with this again..take the control away from her...do what works for you, be smarter than her. SOMEONE IS GOING TO BE MISERABLE, UPSET AND MAD...IT IS NOT GOING TO BE ME AND IT SHOULD NOT BE YOU EITHER!
Keep your chin up, girl!
She refuses to do...
any transportation. She will never agree on a neutral location. We are to pick them up from her house and drop them off at school or at her house, depending on the day or situation. She is too busy with her other children to leave the house. This is one of the items we are talking with our lawyer. It is unfair for us to do all the transportation. I wouldn't mind it if she acted like a normal human being.
It sounds like
It sounds like you have a real mental case on your hands. Our lawyer had it written that the one who is getting the kids drives to where ever to get them. So if it is her day to get them from us, she has to drive to us. If it is our day to get them from her, we have to drive to her...however her days usually fall as a school day. I would think your lawyer would see the logic in this and would be able to write something in regarding this. It isn't your problem that she has other kids just as it isn't her problem that you have a demanding job. However, it should, in a perfect world, be fair. I can't see how she will be able to continue to say she won't do any transportation...and most lawyers and judges agree about neutral locations where you can just foccs on exchanging the kids. I guess you have to take the legal route...how frustrating...
Stop picking them up.
I'm not trying to be a smartass, but really, what's the alternative? If you try to impress upon BM that it's rude to keep you waiting, then she'll just come up with excuses to make them late, because she knows she's getting to you.
Bottom line is this: It's dad's problem, not yours. If you want to continue to pick them up as a favor to him, then let him know - and make him tell HER - that when you are picking up the kids, you will be there at a certain time and you are willing to wait X number of minutes for them to get into the car. Whether it's five, ten, fifteen minutes, whatever, when the time is up, if they are not in the car, you drive away. Then DH can go pick them up, BM can drop them off, or they can stay where they are.
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
Makes sense...
Makes sense to me....boundaries are key! What is strange to me is how I can tolerate teaching children on a daily basis, but trying to teach an adult idiot some common sense is so frustrating! Why don't people have to have a liscense to have children??? Seriously??
Anne, thanks for your wisdom. I read a lot of what you write and agree with so much of it!
Smiles!
Thanks Anne...
If it was for me I would just sit where I am and avoid all stress. I do it for my fiance ... we are a team and we want to help each other. I have avoided any pick up or drop off since then...but I know that if he needs me to do it..I will.
this is what I did, I
this is what I did, I stopped picking SS up. She said it was rude for me to honk and wanted me to get out, get the baby out and stand in her home listening to her talk for 15 minutes, which I refuse to do. I did not marry her. I would honk, wait and then leave. After 2 times I told BF that this was now his job and I am not going to waste gas and energy on her.
Been here and the b**ch didn't give a t shirt
I actually called the police and since our order stated the time of P/U BM was unhappy to hear it doesn't matter who DH sends to transport even if it were Bozo that is His business.(no my hair isn't red!)Next time i would have a recorder on me(I know more techno stuff, but I do love it) and tell the kids to please put the dogs back in the house cause its time to go! The recorder is for when BM comes out acting like you're there and she had no idea when she sent the kids to walk the dogs.
Thank you
Thank you for all your tips.
Consider this...
Do you have a time limit for exchange time? IE, if either parent hasn't arrived in such a such time, the other parent has the right to keep the kids, etc... however it's worded these days. It also works in favor of refusal in allowing the kids to join the other parent too...
Throughly document all of these 'late' occurrences, whatever you need to do to show a time frame of when you arrived, and when you actually get the kids... use a cell phone, make a call, whatever you need to do to show a time stamp of some sort. Take it to court and have the court order her to meet you at a neutral location that is exactly (as close as you can get it, obviously) half way- with the argument of being fair to both parents because you both will be driving equal distance, etc.... looks better in court- or hell, even pick a location that is a block from her home... which we have done. So, you drive the distance. Use the argument that BM is harboring the kids on purpose yet you are there, at her home, at the designated time for pick up, however, BM is being hostile with the release of the kids. Argue that (even yes, it's only 15 freaking minutes here and there) it's technically DH's time... she's technically refusing visitation.
We were having this problem early on, except we were meeting at a neutral location because of a tantrum and false allegations that BM made against DH. There were a few days where I was needed to pick SS up from her at our designated location, and she refused until DH came home. I would sit in my car and wait for 30 min, as directed by the court order, and she would not show up. What we think she did was drive in, saw it was me, drive out. A couple of the days were vacation days from school, and I happen to take the day off of work to watch SS while my DH had to work. (He doesn't get holidays off.) Because of this, BM knew that I would be home alone with SS, had conniption fits about it, and then flat out refused to drop SS off on those mornings. It really pissed me off, because I would have made some plans with just SS and I. She didn't want SS to have anything to do with me.
We took it to court. Because we are a couple, and I live in the same home as DH, the court made her accountable and explain her actions. Even though it was only freakin 15mins, but it was enough and it was weeks in a row. The judge quickly ironed that kink out of her.
I know that you are picking the kids up from her house, but I want to warn you. This is setting you guys up for something, such as her being able to accuse you of harassment, or even worse false allegations. I can tell you that picking up and dropping off with a hostile BM at their home, is never never never a good deal. You have to just stick to you guns. You go to court, you meet the mediator, you hash it out with them, if you can't come to an agreement with the mediator, it goes to a judge. The judge will order it. Than, if she does not follow through on her end, she's in contempt of court. Because you have it court ordered, if she refuses to meet you there... she's refusing your visitation.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Ok so this lady clearly
Would have them ready if it were and Aunt or Grandparent picking them up but clearly the issue is because you are with her ex and she is trying to piss you off.
Your hubby needs to tell her like ANNE said AC will be at the house at this time to pick up the boys, if they are not out to her behicle within 5 minutes she will leave, then you can bring them over to our house. Its rude and immature to make you wait out there to get in a "Dig" at you. What does the divorce decree say about pick ups and drop offs? Maybe if it states that he picks up and she picks up on Sunday, Maybe she should do the drop off on Friday's and you and he can do it on Sunday? Just an option he can give her?
WEll good luck on this..
Happy
"live life to its fullest everyday"
That's what we are trying to do now...
My DH clearly got screwed on the divorce agreement...I guess he was so depressed at the time of the divorce so he let her do whatever. So now, we are ammending the divorce agreement so it will have us pick them up from her house and she will have to pick them up from ours. Let's see....her lawyer hasn't returned the phone calls all day so I don't know what they are cooking. I will let you ladies know....THANKS TO ALL OF YOU. I haven't felt so good in a long time. It's great to share all of our concerns here and get some wonderful input. I don't feel alone anymore.