Who is Daddy?
I have recently married into a family. She has two children from a previous marriage one is 4 (soon to be 5) and one just turned 2. The biological father as well as I are both Military members and both overseas. I am in South Korea for a year and he is also gone for a year. My wife is out here visiting me for a month. The boys have been splitting time staying with their Grandmother on her side as well as the boys biological fathers mother. Recently the oldest has started to refer to me as "Alex Daddy" while over at the biological fathers mothers house. Naturally, she is upset about this. The oldest has put together (we have never made him call me Daddy and we always correct him when he does) that I am his "Daddy" that I am here more for the boys than he is. What do we do? Do we continue to let him and his brother to start calling me Daddy? How do we do this without upseting the grandmother who thinks her son can do no wrong and that we are purposefully making the oldest call me Daddy?
Special nickname okay, but not Daddy.
I'm not sure I agree with using the special name for a parent, whether it's Mama or Mommy, Daddy or Dad, for anyone other than that parent, especially if that parent is in the child's life. But I see absolutely nothing wrong with using a different nickname that differentiates you from any other male figure in his life in a parental way. If he calls his father Daddy, then maybe you could be Pop or Poppa or something else that the two of you come up with together. My husband (retired Marine) has a "daughter" that's not his biologically. (His ex cheated while he was deployed.) Anyway, long story short, her bio dad came into the picture when she was about four, so for four years, my DH was "Daddy." When bio dad came along, she suddenly had two Daddy's and she called them Daddy Bob and Daddy Phil. It's been about ten years since all this went down and over the years, DH and I have become friendly with the bio dad and his wife. Everyone is now comfortable with her calling both of them just "Dad" and more importantly, everyone is fine with her HAVING two Dads and two step-moms.
I don't think the opinions of grandparents matter when it comes to making decisions for children, but I do think that all parents need to agree. If Dad doesn't like it, then you should probably not encourage it. But if Dad is okay with it or some other nickname, then I say go for it. I don't think the grandparents enter into the equation at all. I don't think you even owe them an explanation. If you feel you must explain, just tell them that the boys think of you as a father figure, which you are, since you are their step-father, and you've chosen this nickname not to take the place of their father, but so that they will have a father figure in their lives on a regular basis. If they put your first name with it, Daddy Alex, then I think that is different than just calling you Daddy. I think Daddy Alex or some similar nickname is fine, but I would shy away from just Daddy.
Just my opinion!
~ Anne ~
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
I would let them call you whatever they want to...
My stepkids call me mom.... the older one asked if she could call me mommy and we told her that she could call me whatever she wanted to (within reason, lol)... my stepson is only 2 and has called me mommy since he could talk. On the other hand, my kids don't call their stepdad "daddy" however.... sometimes my daughter does and I guess sometimes my son does as well, but not often. We really don't care if they call him by his first name, the cute (embarassing) nickname I gave to him, or daddy. Also, my son calls his stepmom "mom" which is fine by me, and I have also assured my daughter that it won't hurt my feelings if she calls her stepmom "mom"... my daughter looked at like I was crazy and said; "but MOM!! she is NOT my mom!!!" I was like, well okay then, I just wanted to make sure you know that if you want to call stepmom mom, don't be worried about hurting my feelings.
I just think that if your stepkids are choosing to call you "dad" then let them.... if it is not forced or demanded and they are doing it under their own free will, then why mess with it? They aren't stupid... they know who their bio dad is... I think it is a huge compliment that they would CHOOSE to call you by that name.... we don't get to choose our parents, but when a stepchild chooses you... I would not choose to discourage it.
So long as they know ...
I think I agree with Steve on this one ... I knew my biological father well, and he was in my life regularly until I was 15, and then irregularly until he died when I was 24, but as far as what I feel in my heart, my stepfather is my "dad." I called my biological father "dad" too ... but the irony of my situation is ... that I didn't know my stepfather until I was 22. So, I agree that it is what you feel in your heart.
I would let the children call you whatever they want ... my SS has taken to calling me "bonus mommy" and "like a mommy" ... but if he only wanted to call me Trina (his nick name for me) that would be fine too. I know he loves me, so whatever he wants to call me, so long as it's respectful, that's fine too.
I also agree with Anne that grandparents have no say, and your DW (dear wife??) should tell them that, that is a discussion for HER to be having with the children, not them.
What I think is most important as the children grow up is that they know the difference between their biological father and their stepfather, but what they choose to call you, should be up to them, and their hearts.
~ Katrina
~ Katrina