A new day dawns. . . . responsibility!!
After recent posts here going over the troubles caused by the malicious mother in OUR situation (or should I say drama?)And after a few days of arguments and consternation with 'him indoors' I have come to realise that:
1. 'Give it up, give it up - baby give it up' should be my theme tune! Maybe part of the reason why some of us are in this situation is because of the fact that we will a) put up with crapola all the time. b) We love our DH's (of course) but most importantly we take on their baggage and fights as our own!
It is a heavy burden to bear and one that I have to lift from myself - how many others of you does THAT apply to?
The cycle goes something like this:
BM causes a big shitstorm about anything she can (malicious mother syndrome anyone??) such as - dividing DH's family, causing no end of hassle with arranging pick and and drop off of kids etc etc etc bloody etc!! This is after years of the same and it WON'T change!
WE get harrassed and irate and want to solve the problem because our DH's are too lame and battered by the BM's crapola (they are SO used to dealing with it already and probably did while they were still married to her). WE take on the problem as our own. WE solve it. WE expect some credit. WE get the anger and the crapola from our DH's on top of all the other stress. WE feel unappreciated and put upon - unhappy, stressed etc.
Then of course you add to that the arguments, the upset kids, the alienated family relationships etc etc etc and you haved a recipe for a very unhappy relationship. The only 'winner' is BM - happy in her pigshit world of mud slinging. If it makes her feel better. . . . oh dear.
Not wishing to point fingers but if the BM in our situation would grow the hell up and quit abusing us then none of this would actually be necessary. But hey ho. . . I actually laughed at her pathetic & juvenile behvaiour this morning and pitied the poor dear. That's progress.
DH has tried since Tuesday of this week (it is now Friday) to get SOME sense out of BM about what bloody time pick up and drop off are for the kids. Will she give any kind of straight answer? NO!! Still hey, not my problem. . . 
Although it is going to be hard giving up the responsibility for getting things sorted - it will be a weight off my mind. It is frustrating though when you feel your DH is being lame and needs to kick some butt!
Still, it's nice to start asking HIM what he is going to do about it! tee hee.
Give it up, give it up, baby GIVE IT UP!!!! LOL!!
What we did is this...When
What we did is this...
When we were getting all the BS about visitation, he would send her an email at least a week in advance that said, "Liz, I am planning to pick the kids up on Friday at 6pm for visitation. I plan to return them on Sunday no later than 7pm. Please call or email me to confirm. If I do not hear back from you by noon on Friday, then I will assume you have chosen to deny my visitation rights for this weekend. Thank you." And then we would wait and see. 99% of the time we wouldn't get the kids that weekend, but it wouldn't have mattered if we conducted the dramatics of a big, knock-down drag-out fight first or not... if she wasn't going to let him have them, then she wasn't going to let him have them. We just chose to eliminate the fight before finding this out.
We didn't get to see the kids any more or any less than we would have if we'd engaged her in the fighting, so all we really did was just eliminate the crap. We documented well and kept every email, which we used in mediation and the judge gave her what-for about it. Since changing to this approach, we eliminated ALL fighting over visitation and got to see the kids the same amount. We had a fabulous lawyer and a great case for getting shared legal custody and joint physical custody with her getting the kids on weekdays and us getting the kids on weekends, school holidays and all summer. She was ready to sign off on it or risk court, which her attorney advised her she could lose big-time. Unfortunately, we had to move out-of-state for DH's job and that was that. We haven't seen the kids since, but that's a whole 'nother story! It's horrible when a mother won't let her children be with their father, but once we figured out that fighting with her wasn't going to get us more time with them, we were able to accept it and disengage. Yes, it would be wonderful if we got the kids more, but fighting with her wasn't going to make that happen for us. Only a judge could make that happen.
~ Anne ~
We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.
Anne I Agree
I have 2 grown sons of my own. I used to about BEG my ex to come get the children, spend time with his sons, etc. He just didn't want to have anything to do with his sons. He was always too busy doing his own thing. I had an open door policy in regards to his visitation. He could have called me at a moments notice and I would have let him take the boys. I don't understand the mentalities of some of these BM's keeping their children away from BF's. I would think it gives BM a break letting them go to thier fathers house and the children yet another place to call home. Here is a case of the father wanting to spend time with his kids but has to fight to get time. Wow I would have LOVED for my ex to spend time with his boys. He is regreting it now big time. Now he wants a relationship with his sons but now they are off standish with him.
Thanks Anne
Without wishing to accept the gauntlet of takin on his crap (again). . . .
We have tried letters to her solicitor, emails to her, boundaries etc etc ad nauseum for 4.5 years and all other methods of trying to get the hideous bitch to conform but she won't coz she knows it causes stress to him/us.
I think your approach dealt well with this drama, however it all rests upon whether DH will play that game too. I will let him see your solution and I will make it HIS call as to what he wants to do next. Me, I will just go out and do somthing nice on my own if it stresses me out and impacts MY weekend - I work hard all week in a stressful job (as do most of you) and don't need this CRAP on a weekend!!!
Anne is so right!!
We did exactly that before SS stopped coming to visit, by his own choice (after being brain zapped by dear BM) When I came along there were aguements ahoy!! I told DH whether he blew a foo foo valve or not, the outcome would be same! He started just beginning the week with a call to BM. Can I pick up SS this Friday..reply no...Ok well have a nice weekend, DH would say!!
At least we knew in advance that we wouldn't have him and could go about planning our weekend. After 5 weeks of being refused visitation, BM must have needed a babysitter and calls DH and yells 'Are you gonna pick up ya F%$#^ing son this weekend"!! Why of course I will what time would be best? LOL, working out plans with dear BM was a little less traumatic after that. She seemed to realise that DH was past her BS!!
Good on you for leaving the load to him, sounds like it's working for you!!
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*