Please Advise
I have 2 children of my own. A daughter that's 11 and a son that's 8. I have recently obtained 2 step teenagers. 18 yr old SD and 16 yr old SS. My probelm is my husband is a truck driver and I am left to take care of the kids most of the time. BM isn't around much. I don't mind taking care of all the kids. However, my SKS have never had any discipline and have always gotten everything that ever wanted from their dad. His reasoning for not disciplining them and giving them whatever is that he is only around them on the week ends and was unable to mold them into respectable young adults. He doesn't want to upset them because they are old enough now that if he upsets them then they just won't come around for a while. He also thinks it's better to be their friend than their parent. The thing is when the week end is over and he hits the road, I'm the one that has to deal with these unruly teens. If I say something to make them mad then they call daddy and "taddle" on me. Then he gets mad at me. I don't want to just let them rule the roast. I am the adult and not them. Bottom line. Pretty simple to understand if you ask me. I don't want my own children thinking that this is the way they will be raised also. Telling me what to do instead of vice versa. My SS and I have had a really good relationship up til recently. He asked me to do something and I said NO. this after a long line of YESes. Since then he has found every reason he can to throw stones at me and my children. Blaming us for everything and then "taddling" on me. My SD can do no wrong. No matter what she does-it's ok. There is no limit. If I don't approve or voice my opinion then I am in the wrong and I am scolded for it. I have called a family meeting with all the kids tonight and would like some input on the right way to get my point across. Dealing with SKS can be very sensitive and I don't want to step on any toes but something has got to change. I am new to this whole step parenting thing and to raising teens. Please help me overcome this obstacle. I know I am strong enough to handle this but I am just unsure on how.
You are the adult; they are the children
I went through a similar situation with teen SD who was out of control. I finally decided I had had enough and made up house rules for her to sign after one night w/out her TV in her room.
This made her so mad she moved out the next morning. Many of my in law will never forgive me for setting down rules. My teen SD will retaliate against me most probably until she is raising her own teenager.
I don't regret it for a second. My house once again became peaceful and the without the bad influence of older SD, I am able to forge a relationship with my younger skids. I did not hope for my SD to move out, but if she was unwilling to treat our home as anything other than a flop house to go to between drug runs, it was the best decision.
I hope that your situation is not as extreme as mine, but in my personal opinion if you loose control of your home now, you may never reign in the rest of the herd. What will the effect of seeing non disciplined teens have on your own children?
I also think your husband needs to worry more about being a Father figure and less about winning popularity contents. Most kids go away for a while at some point, but unless their parents are monsters, they eventually find their way back.
I drove myself crazy trying to make everyone else happy and it got me no where. I have decided to be the step-mother that I can live with being and if I'm not popular I can live with that.
It almost sounds like you are asking their permission to be an authority figure. By virtue of the fact that you are the only adult there, you have to excercise some authority in your home. I would just set down the house rules in a polite but matter of fact way.
If your husband is leaving you alone with four kids, two teens and not granting you and backing you up in supervisory capacity, there is a problem. I'm not talking about ruling with an iron fist, but you have the right to set down boundaries in your own home.
The only thing that probably saved my marriage was that my husband backed me up.
I found that bending over backwards for my skids didn't make me popular anyway; it just made me a dormat.
Just my two cents. I'm not the most popular StepM, but at least I have all my marbles.
//Susanna
"One breath at a time is an acceptable plan."
Ani DiFranco