Seeking custody from bipolar BM
Has anyone here gone to court for custody because the primary custodian is mentally ill? My SD is in a terrible situation with her bipolar mother, yet we fear that going to court will be futile because they will say "yes, she's a bad mother, but she's not bad enough to remove the child from her care."
We have been compiling evidence over the past 2 years documenting how she is failing to take proper care of her daughter's education, physical and mental health, and general welfare, in addition to her constant attempts to withhold contact between father and daughter. We are frightened into action because my SD shared with us that she's having suicidal ideation. The stress and anxiety brought on by taking care of her sick mother every day have made her want to NOT EXIST ANYMORE. How sad and scary is that?!?
We know that this is going to be messy and expensive and emotionally taxing, but an 11-year-old girl's safety and wellbeing is at stake. Any tales from the trenches will be greatly appreciated before we try to take this to court. Lawyers have already told us that we have a good chance because we can prove that we provide a better, more stable and supportive home environment, but we've got to prove that her mother is actually unfit in order to get her out of there. Has anyone else done this successfully?
If I didn't love my SD so much, I'd have said that her mother should NEVER have been allowed to reproduce. The poor girl is damaged goods because of the madness of her mother.
If your attorney says...
you have a good chance, then you do. Lawyers don't like being wrong..part of their ego:) and if they go out on a limb and say "you have a good chance.." in lamens terms that means GO FOR IT. Will it be easy? NO! Will it tax your every emotion? Yes!
I would put the 11 year old in counseling. She can reveal in private, what is really going on at bm's house. Remember, you only know what sd tells you, and she knows not to tell you everything. A therapist is a professional that will be able to get a child to reveal what truly is going on not just at bm's house, but with all family members. Then that therapists can advise the courts on where the child is best suited.
And if bm says she doesn't want child to go to therapy..well that doesn't impress the courts either. You are right to be afraid to go to court to try to get custody. It is nearly impossible for fathers to get custody. But again, if your lawyer says you have a good chance, then you do. The worst thing the judge is going to tell you is no...and nothing changes. You have nothing to lose by trying, other than a hefty lawyer bill, and for the sake of your sd, it is worth a try.
Good luck,
Candice
Hmmm...my experience with lawyers has been quite different
When a lawyer says that you have a good chance...that is what he means, a chance. In other words, if things don't pan out as expected, there is always one clear winner....the lawyer. I am not a big believer in lawyers or the legal system.
Sorry to hear of that..
the lawyer does get paid regardless of the outcome. Our attorney was very forthright. If she didn't think we had 99% chance of winning, then she was very honest about it.
It's good to be skeptical b/c I'm sure there are plenty of attorneys that milk those riding on their emotions. So it is very important to do your homework on attorneys to make sure they are doing their job, and not just telling you what you want to hear.
I can only speak of my interactions with our attorney...and she would always tell us.."I'll fight for you..but you won't win.."
It is not nearly impossible
It is not nearly impossible for fathers to get custody. That's a huge myth and misconception. Depending on your state, it's pretty hard for either party to get primary custody over a joint custody ruling unless one parent is willing to give up custody or the parties are clearly unable to cooperate enough to support a joint custody arrangement. The law itself is not biased toward mothers. Each parent has an equal chance for primary custody under the law.
Counseling
My SD has already been in counseling, but her mother abruptly pulled her out last month once the therapist starting tell her (BM) that she needed to get her act together and take care of her child. We're thinking of taking SD back to this therapist on our weekends with her, but I fear the backlash from BM when she finds out. She'll turn it into us going behind her back, undermining her, when it should be about what's best for her kid, not her! Nothing is easy with this woman!
Thanks for the advice, Candice. You're always helpful at putting things into perspective.
You're welcome!
I'm glad you appreciate my posts. I've so been down this road, and even still find myself faced with the roller coaster emotions of the step-family dynamics.
The bm is on the defense, so she pulls her daughter out of counseling. Well, I would do it on your weekends, if the counselor would accept the appointments. BM will always be on the look out to pick a fight with you, and this counseling might be very beneficial to your sd b/c of the torment she is enduring. Poor kid. Why can't these idiots pull their act together for their kids?? I will never get it.
Best of luck, this isn't easy, and you just need to take it one day at a time.
Bipolar BM
Our lawyer told us that it absolutely has no effect on custody if the mother is mentally ill. If she has ever sought treatment for the illness that is good enough for the courts here in Canada. She doesn't even have to prove that she is still taking medication or seeking professional help. He told us that even if she was unfit it would take years and many thousands to prove it. Even then, she would still get primary custody. He also told us if the situation were reversed and the father had mental illness his visitation could be restricted. Our only option he said, was to call the police if she harms the child. Then they could take legal action and the kids could stay with us until the courts handled her case. What happens if the harm is mental/emotional and not physical. Sadly for the child..nothing. Our courts seem to protect Mother's rights at the expense of everyone including the children. Sad.
Donna, were you saying the
Donna, were you saying the the requirements to obtain custody are different in canada than in the united states? My fiance was originally born in Germany but his ex is Canadian and he also has canadian citizenship. One of the kids was born in canada and the other in the united states. do you think our chances of getting custody of both bc of unstable bm would be better in canada? There is already a lot of documentation in our favor -- she's been arrested for a lot of strange activities, has undergone mental testing and been hospitalized and those records are up in canada for the pickin'. I'd appreciate any and all help!
So very true...and so very
So very true...and so very sad.
That's sad. What if she harms
That's sad. What if she harms the children to the point of killing them? What would happen then?
I can tell you from
I can tell you from experience that in Florida as long as the child has a roof over their head going to school and has clothes they wont pull the kid from the mother...About 3 years ago my BM tried to committ suicide with my SD there..DCF was involved and we went for emergency custody..Custody was denied even a court hearing and DCF decided that it was a one time deal and she was not a threat to her daugher...MY Husband and I have been together for 10 years and have tried on numerous occasions for custody and nothing they just give her back and we have to pay more money....so good luck maybe times have changed there are many men out there that get custody but FL is very hard...
This forum topic was written in 2006...
This forum topic was written in 2006...
Can you start a new forum topic just for your own situation on this board?
Just go back to the Dealing With Mentally Unfit Biological Parents homepage and click on "Post new forum topic."
I am so frustrated that this board is so dead because people keep replying to very old situations and so we have many different people writing their story under one very old post and no one can find them.
Thank you!
custody
My husband and i have been married for 6 months, dating 4 years and i have a wonderfull sd who is 5. Her mother is was physically abusive during their entire relationship ( about 2 years during which she was pregnant or my sd was a child) and mentally unstable. She dated another gentlemen for the past two years whom she also abused and they have broken up. We have on record multiple arrests for violent behavior, medical records of her trying to commit suicide three times in the past year, charges of assualt assualt with a weapon attempted b and e, breach of restraining order, supporting evidence from the last boyfriend ( upstanding guy whos father is rcmp) that she is abusive, letters from her apologizing for abuse to my Dh when she was trying to get him back, evidence she is bulimic and using drugs, etc etc. and we have been fighting for visitation let alone custody. we have spent 10's of thousands of dollars and are in the middle of a home study ( psychological testing etc) that has cost us 16,000 up front for which we remortaged our house, and our lawyer is honest with us about our odds of getting custody even if the home study says we are better parents.. 40/60 at best. I should mention my step daughter loves me and i love her, she has called me mom for years and we are very close. fathers rights, at least here in alberta.. suck.. and let me tell you being pregnant right now it is almost more then can take.
This forum topic was written in 2006...
Can you start a new forum topic just for your own situation on this board?
Just go back to the Dealing With Mentally Unfit Biological Parents homepage and click on "Post new forum topic."
I am so frustrated that this board is so dead because people keep replying to very old situations and so we have many different people writing their story under one very old post and no one can find them.
Thank you!
We have one
DH says she was diagnosed as Bipolar and suffering with depression years ago, I want the documentation, as we will never be able to prove it now. She is a narcissist- I'm thinking maybe a lawyer can subpoena her medical records?
This forum topic was written in 2006...
Can you start a new forum topic just for your own situation on this board?
I am so frustrated that this board is so dead because people keep replying to very old situations and so we have 4 people writing their story under one very old post and no one can find them.
Thank you!
My bf and I are going through
My bf and I are going through the same thing with his daughter's bm. We hired a GAL (Guardian Ad Litem) to do an evaluation. I recommend you do the same. The GAL represents the child and makes a determination of what's in their best interest. In particular they are interested in which parent will facilitate cooperation and minimize involving the child in the conflict.
In your case, rather than focus on the mental illness, focus on the effects of the mental illness. If it creates an unstable and unhealthy environment for the daughter then that's worth bringing up, and a GAL will be interested in that. In particular the GAL will be interested in you and bf's relationship with the daughter as compared to bm. If you can show that you provide a more stable and healthy place for her, then you probably have a good chance of getting a recommendation. That recommendation carries a lot of weight in any custody hearing.
Sounds like a similar
Sounds like a similar situation we had. I wouldn't trust lawyers or courts, they are not going to give you custody.
What we did...we worked on BM for years, my DH told her SD should live with us over and over. After years of saying this everytime she called and told us SD was unruly, he somehow made it seem like BM's idea. If your BM is anything like ours, selfish, self centered, Bipolar, unstable, and down right insane it might work.
Keep working on her and then let her think it was her idea, then send her the papers and get her to sign them.
Then get ready...I love my SD too and wanted her here and knew it was best for her, but having her every other weekend and living with her are two totally different things. She has many, many issues. She is very messed up from her mom and my home is in an uproar with her here and I hate her most of the time. I put her in counseling and I just pray everyday that having her here now and putting up with her craziness will save us a lifetime of taking care of her when she's an adult. She has a chance of being an independent woman and productive member of society and so will your SD.
My SD mother left out of the
My SD mother left out of the blue 4 years ago......she was diagnosed bipolar. That is what we were told by all kinds of people. She was hospitalized and everything. It gave her a free pass to live her fancy free life of doing what ever she wants with no expectations of a mother. She has never paid a dime in CS and she gets to do all the things an 18 yr old does (shes 28). I on the other hand have been left dealing with the fall out of the SD. She is 10 now and has so much emotional baggage of her own and she rebels consistently. I have wanted to have her tested for Mental Illness but of course the BF can't imaging his "little girl" being anything like the BM. I think she is all BM!
I take offense about hearing
I take offense about hearing that the BM's Bi-Polar is a problem. It isn't always. My SS's BM has Bi-Polar AND so do I, his step-mom. Don't think we don't try to act right every day. It is a struggle with meds also but it helps. Unfortunately, the BM drinks a lot and is very small so it doesn't take much to get her drunk. She usually makes sure she doesn't have her 3 kids around when she drinks. Unfortunately, there are times she IS home, but at least she's not driving her sons in a car. She is at home. I sometimes have some wine spritzers, but I usually wait until my SS is not here, so I don't do it in front of him. ANYWAY... my whole point is to NOT put down people with Bi-Polar. We NEVER asked for this to be given to us! It gets worse as you get older. Most times, it is not diagnosed until later in your life, when you ALREADY have kids. Then you need to educate those kids, for their own information about family health. The BM of my SS has a BF there for her to help her when she needs it, just like I have my BF there for me when I need it. I AM on Social Security Disability right now but I still take offense from people who think Bi-Polars can't do anything! Do what YOU can in the meantime and have her ex try to talk her into taking meds, if she is not on them. My ex-husband didn't believe in a Psychologist or a Psychiatrist. If he had went to therapy with me, we may still be together. But I found someone who actually likes to help me and makes me laugh and likes the things I like. But I am still angry that my ex wouldn't even TRY therapy. I have many other psychiatric illnesses and physical ones but I work HARD every day to pay attention (which is VERY HARD with exhaustion of the whole body). BUT... the BM needs to know that she can take pills for Bi-Polar to help her moods. But, it can also make her exhausted, like it does to me. Don't talk bad about a person with Bi-Polar if you don't know enough about the illness. Study it and then learn from it to see what you need to do.