You are here

Still holding to some hope

bananaseedo's picture

Submitted by bananaseedo on Fri, 02/23/2018 - 10:02pm

Well, not starting the cytotec this weekend. The Dr thinks this could have been a vanishing twin maybe-and the 2nd egg may be late implanting. The US showed a gestational sac measuring for 4wks 5 days- you could see a tiny blob w/in it too....so also could be we calculated wrong on my dates-since my period cycle varies that's very possible. HCG still rising but very very slowly. Still on progesterone now. The only other explanation for the initial big drop was a) was originally a twin pregnancy or b) the lab (from the different clinic) was wrong...instead of 2423- what if was 242...so the next rise to 500 would make sense.

SHe is very perplexed but said we should give another week to see if it takes off....another blood test Mon, Dr apt Wed-depending on levels likely a 2nd ultrasound to see if they see a fetal pole or embryo. We shall see. Not very hopefully but at least we have a slight sliver of it. She felt adamant we don't try to induce miscarriage as there might be a chance. Granted it could take off and we could lose it later BUT for now we wait. Again. Agonizing for sure. She said she's seen crazy things happen, like a 2nd egg released, or where one implants in uterus and other in tube-nothing surprises her. My tubes are clear though Smile

Comments

Llilac1's picture

Submitted by Llilac1 on Fri, 02/23/2018 - 10:20pm

I think you got a false lab result. Hoping that’s what happened. I looked through your last posts and am so glad to see you’re doing progesterone. Praying for you all!

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Sat, 02/24/2018 - 2:59pm

Prayers

bananaseedo's picture

Submitted by bananaseedo on Sat, 02/24/2018 - 10:16pm

I wasn't- at least for the first day or two. I think it was more shock then anything else and the immediate panic of stating over at this age and the immediate ptsd flashes from my 1st loss.

I kept saying to SO how weird it was because it's not something we want yet I immediately felt such urgency and panic over the numbers being ok. It didn't make sense to me. How can you be so defensive over something you really didn't plan or want? I don't even know- very conflicted.

My heart is at a different place since last week- every small increase of hcg after my 1st drop gets me more desperate to fight for this little one with all my might. Even if 'on paper' it's INSANE to start again and it would mean a lot of sacrifice. I still want it to make it-I can deal with adjusting my life and expectations and goals- I think that is so much easier then accepting another loss.

Does that make sense?

1st time around recall we lost him during the week we lost FIL...since then my dad passed -the agony of watching him slowly die....then we lost our beloved 10 yr old dog. That just did me in- I was SO DONE with loss and pain and agony- 3 years of it. Then came pup and started brining life back and joy. Then my son started having problems. He's at an age he has to make his own mistakes and learn from them. It's just been heartbreaking to watch my firstborn son whom I love more then life make choices that make me angry and hurt. I don't understand why the universe or God keeps punishing me with more death, more loss, more turmoil.

Part of me hopes that this happened because babybanana would be so healing for us and our families....and I pray that this is why this happened again, at 43. Maybe there is a reason....or maybe there won't be and life just takes another huge dump on me.

Sorry for pity party- hormones are WACK!

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Mon, 02/26/2018 - 12:53am

Banana that little critter will be arriving 9 months from now and not a day sooner, this will be any Step parents nightmare child, so you and SO better stay together cause I have a feeling you both will spoil this critter to the moon and back...

I know exactly how you feel, I never wanted children, the I had an accident, and that little 22 year old accident I still love with my whole heart even if i want to kill him daily,