Adult SD35 & SGD8 have Moved out, Thank you StepTalk
Sorry this is so long.
There has been a lot of tension between DH, SD35 & SGD8 over the last 9 months.
About 6 months ago, I finally grew a spine, after years of step hell. It took me months of reading on StepTalk to finally wake up and stand up for myself. I told DH that I opened another bank account in my name only and moved the $6000 that I had been saving into my new account. If he didn't like it, he was more than welcome to move the Hell out and take SD35 & SGD8 along with him.
I handed all the utility bills, house payment and insurance bills over to DH and told him that he would need to pay these from now on, I was done trying to work 60 hours a week and take care of the bills. The look on his face was priceless, he just sat there looking at the costs. He started asking why the electric bill was over $800 a month, and the water bill was $290 a month. At this point I was speechless, all his concerns were about the damn utility bills, nothing about me moving the money into my new bank account. I explained to him as calmly as I could that SD35 & SGD8 take 45 minute to an hour showers everyday, laundry is left in the washing machine so they have to be ran again to get the moldy smell out of the clothes, or clothes are left in the dryer and get wrinkled and SD35 will re-wash and dryer a second time, sometime this happens 3 or 4 time to the same load of clothes.
Right about this time SD35 came walking into the living room and DH asked her if this was true. Miss Snooty-Pants gave him a dirty look and said of course. DH told her not anymore, if she wanted to do laundry, she needed to go the laundrymat, our washer and dryer are off limits to her. Showers will be only 15 minutes, if any longer, he would turn the water off at the shut-off valve.
SD35 proceeded to call DH every dirty word she could think of and tell him that his was a sh*tty parent. DH yelled at her to stop, he told her, she was right he was a sh*tty parent, but not for the reasons she thought. He was a sh*tty parent for allowing her to treat his wife and everyone like dirt, this stops right now. DH told her if she say, looks or does anything to upset 24years(me) that her ass would be bounced out of our house so fast that she wouldn't know what hit her.
I am sorry, }:) but I couldn't help myself, I had the biggest smirk on my face when DH ripped into SD35. I guess my smirk set her off, she started screeching like a banshee, what a f'en b*tching I was and this was all my fault. She didn't get very far yelling at me, DH grabbed her by the arm and told her "You were warned" he proceeded to goose step her out the front door and told her to have her fiance come pick up hers & SGD8 things. Then he shut the door and locked it. You could smell her tires from inside the house when she pulled out. DH apologized over and over for allowing things to get so bad, he said over the last year, he saw how I was being treated by SD & SGD and didn't know how to fix the problem. We sat and actually talked, no yelling, no anger from either of us, we were able to talk without getting defensive about the negatives each of our adult kids. We stayed up most he night talking and packing up all the crap from SD & SGD. Thank G SGD8 was at her biofather for the week.
The next morning SD35 shows up with movers and fiance, DH met her at the door and asked if she was ready to apologize. She gave him the big FU and tried to walk past him. Not happening, he blocked her and told her, she would wait outside for her property to be moved out and shut the door in her face. Everything was out of our house within 1 hour, SD35 stood outside yelling the whole time, like a madwoman, that she never wanted anything to do with us again. DH just ignored her.
We now have a guest bedroom and a office/craft room for me, SD35 did call DH and apologies to him, but has never said a word to me, DH has told her until she can act like an adult she is not welcome in our house. SGD8 can come over, but she will treat 24Years with respect or she will not be allowed over either. SGD8 has been coming over and she will start to act like a brat and DH will scold her and tell her if she can't act right that he will take her home, she straightens real quick when grandpa scolds her. It's really nice to have her come over once in a while.
After the expulsion of SD35, DH opened a new bank account and deposited 1/4 of his paycheck into the new account. 2 months ago, he asked me if I could make arrangements to be off work for 3 to 4 weeks, that he would like to take me somewhere for a second honeymoon. I had tons of vacation time save up that I needed to use or I would lose it. We returned last week from our second honeymoon, we spent most of the time in New Zealand and the Cook Islands, 28 days of pure bliss. My DH is back to the man I married 26 years ago, and still the true romantic man that he was when I first met him.
So Step-Moms & Step-Dads, there is hope for all of us, just don't let yourself be walked on and stand up for yourself. I am sure we will have ups and downs, but now my DH knows that I will not be treated like crap, by anyone, including him.
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Comments
Wow! This is fantastic news
Wow! This is fantastic news for you.
I am not sure there is hope for ALL of us. There is hope for those of us with DH's, like yours and mine, whose eyes are opened when we say we have had enough. Who say ENOUGH to the poor behavior of their children who even at this older age cannot stand that daddy appears to be choosing SM over the long adult child. It's amazing to me some of the SO's/spouses who just expect the step-parent to deal with whatever their kids dish out.
My own story, while not as dramatic or entertaining as yours, followed the same trajectory where I said I was done with the current environment - like it or leave. Fortunately my DH got on board, and now has to listen to his mid-40's DD complain that daughter should be more important than wife, even though she has her own husband and children. Guess that's not enough for her.
Even if your DH did not respond the way he did, what you did needed to be done for your own sanity. I hope several follow this example and JUST SAY NO to no longer being a doormat.
Kudos!
Your right there are some
Your right there are some marriages that are not saveable, due to a partner not putting the wife or husband first before the adult SKids. The more I think about it, maybe the few of us that our spouses woke up and smelled the coffee, are few and far between. So many will push the spouse aside for the Skid, not realizing that when something new comes along the SKid will go on with their life and the DH will be left behind all alone.
This post just made my day.
This post just made my day. Im very impressed with your DH and applaud your patience with the entire situation!!
So happy for you guys..and that holiday sounds lovely!
I also couldnt help smirking at the thought of SD35s face..haha! Talk about getting what she totally deserved! Love it!!
WOW, WOW, WOW!!! This is
WOW, WOW, WOW!!! This is amazing! You and your DH should write a book for how to win at step-families! Congratulations to you, and I wish you a lifetime of wedded bliss!!
WELL DONE!!!! Can we swap
WELL DONE!!!! Can we swap partners??? Just joking.... My partner's worthless son and his daughter are very sneaky and I HATE them. The daughter ruined my Valentine's evening with the rubbish story about the woman whose house she is staying in is in hospital.... I don't believe a word...when my partner asks her further questions, she clams up...the girl KNEW we were supposed to go out for a meal and turned up at 8.45 PM to pick up her 9yo female BRAT...
Since then I don't speak to her at all and vice versa....
I told my partner about this post and how I respect your partner for teaching his adult kids that even if they don't like his partner, they have to show respect.
My partner's eldest son is BANNED from my
home and I am personally on the verge of giving his sneaky cutlery and towel stealing daughter another verbal roasting but I choose to blank her. She knows the reasons why.
She wants her BRAT in my home and she and her BRAT don't respect me....
I even said out loud to my partner yes2day in the presence of the BRAT that if he ever passed away, the house would be sold and I would move away and only MY KIDS would know where I live ...he knows his adult kids (in the UK) would be PERSONA NON GRATA.....nuff said.....
I DON'T CARE IF THE BRAT TOLD HER MOTHER WHAT I SAID.THEY KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THEM AND THE REASONS WHY.
I make a life for myself without interference of my partner's adult leeches......I am invited to my partner's family functions but I choose not to go as my partner's children may try to cause a scene in front of others and I don't want them trying to take me as their personal chauffeur. ... in respect of the functions that his daughter and son are involved in they know already not to invite me as I AM NOT GOING AND NOT INTERESTED. ...WHY SHOULD I SPEND MY PRECIOUS LEISURE TIME IN THE COMPANY OF PERSONS I CAN'T STAND?..
My own bios are aware of my feelings towards my partner's children as THEY HATE THEM AS WELL......
Good for you for standing up
Good for you for standing up for yourself and for your DH for standing up for you and himself. Letting people live in your home who treat you so terribly is not a good thing. I cannot imagine how awful that was while they were living there.
This should be a lesson that things can turn out good for those step parents out there who are sick and tired of adult steps walking all over and using our spouses and treating us with utter disrespect.
For too long, I said and did nothing while the adult steps treated my DH like an ATM, mover, plumber, painter, and gopher without offering any thanks for all he did for them and the bills he paid for them. They tried to break us up and were verbally abusive toward me. Like you, I finally grew a backbone and said I will no longer be treated like this, and I don't expect my DH to sit back and not have my back or not at least defend himself. I guess we hope it will change and things will get better.
Once I started letting DH know it isn't okay his brood continually disrespect me and I wish to no longer to put myself in a position that allowed the adult steps to do that any longer, it felt good to express how I felt, and my DH slowly started to let his brood know it is not right.
Just be aware of the backlash you may get from the skids. Examples of this include using the gskids to try to make DH feel guilty if he wants to bring me along to any function they invite only him to, he won't be able to see the gskids because he won't be going. They will always blame the step parent always for anything the bio parent says in defense of himself or his SO. They will tell anyone on their side of the family who will listen, the step parent is just so terrible, and this can include making up lies just to get other people to side with them and make you look bad. They may send letters to the bio parent, as recommended by their psychiatrist that they want their old family back, etc. They will continue to exclude you and act like you don't exist and may even no longer contact the bio parent.
It's about time! Now it's
It's about time!
Now it's important for your and DH to stay strong, especially DH. I wouldn't be surprised if he slipped occasionally into old habits.
Good luck.
and that's the whole problem
and that's the whole problem in it self, these men see how their brats treats us, but they are to scared to stand up and they have no clue what to do, cause we've been keeping quiet for years and years and allowing people to treat us like this.
I'm glad your DH woke up, but even now - you do not combine finances again.... keep it separate and keep him paying 50% of all house hold expenses,
then if he wants to take you on holiday - he pays, if you take him on holiday, you pay...