I think it's all going to depend on whether or not this guy demands that his kid respect you, and he sets rules and follows through.

I can weigh in on this! When DH and I first started dating, BM actually would upon occasion take the kids, they decided on every other week, and that for the most part was stuck to for like 2 or 3 months, The skids were grumpy and their heads filled with dear mom's lies... They threw fits, of course they also threw fits because they never wanted to go back with BM.. But also because BM would throw shade. By the time we got married BM had ditched the girls for weeks at a time, and they now functioned on a mostly we had them 3/4 of the time type of deal.

I got s*** thrown at me. BM would talk awful about me, inform them I'd never be a "real parent" that I'm never going to be a mom that DH was an "a$$ and b****." All kinds of crap just to have control when she never took care of the girls...

HOWEVER, when she ditched them and moved to basically zero contact (literally haven't heard from her since Christmas at this point, and she averages contact maybe every 1.5-2 months, when she needs to use them for something...). Things have mporved like 10 fold! They had an adjustment period, but without BM throwing lies at them all the time, it allowed them some freedom. I'm now "mom" or my name. I respond to both, because I want them to be comfortable, so I don't encourage or throw shade either direction. I never hear I'm not a real parent, they obey Dh and I, AND they've gotten healthier and have actually caught up to their healthy weight and height! When BM does appear we have a rough day after... Always come back with some kind of lies...

I think that when dad is custodial it probably varies and depends on BM and her involvement, but for me it's been BEYOND better, yes I'm raising the girls full time, but she was an awful person, and still is. DH is in a better mood because the girls are actually safe, and I'm doing much better because BM isn't trying to insert herself everywhere and hurt the girls, they've become my girls. I'll do anything to protect them, because we've managed to actually form a relationship because DH has them all the time and BM isn't throwing her High conflict s*** around just to cause drama and keep control.

I think it depends on Dad. Does he back you up, does he expect that his kids respect you, does he enforce the rules and boundaries?

Most of the problems that the women on this site have are started by BM and allowed to continue by DH.

BM can feed the skids terrible crap about SM and if DH let’s it slide and allows the skids to continue to believe the crap, it becomes their truth.
If DH and SM never appear to be on the same page about the skids, homework, chores, cleanliness, money, ect, then the skid will always take the easy route.

In your case you have to decide if this guy is a good parent. Not just a guy doing the best he can but really a good connected parent. Does he make concessions for his son because BM is crazy? Does he parent from guilt?
Then you have to see how he treats you around his son. Is he different? Does he put you in uncomfortable situations, or expect too much from you?

You need to look at this situation with your head, not your heart.

We don't share finances, but for household purposes, I'm in charge of finances. He gives me money towards it - but I'm the one who takes care of the bills, pays for groceries, whatever we need, with my money and the money he gives me. Sometimes we go out and he'll pay the tab, though. He's also the one who primarily buys my cigarettes.. I'll buy some now and then, but he generally keeps me stocked up.

In dealing with BM, we discuss things but he primarily deals with her. When something comes up, he generally will discuss with me before answering her.... unless it doesn't concern me, as in, doesn't impact "us" or "our home" or "family life".

In dealing with ss, he's very hands on - he'll get up with ss in the mornings, he'll discipline ss on the bigger things (sometimes with my guidance), but I'll do things like make ss's lunch (because I'm making mine and DH's), I'll feed ss dinner (because I make dinner and feed my kids), I'll make sure ss gets dressed properly to go outside; generally though, DH and I are pretty even for things like telling ss to stop jumping on the furniture, having an attitude, hurting himself, cuddling.

I do more things with ss like practicing letters, coloring, puzzles, playdough, dh does more hands on stuff like build a snowman, playing with cars or blocks, or play wrestling... we act like we are an intact family, I guess. If we take issue with something, we take it behind closed doors and discuss, we generally compromise - if we can't, then I say my piece, how it affects me, why I would like to see changes, and if it doesn't, he's aware that I don't like it and so I won't involve myself in it.

The biggest thing right now, is that I feel ss watches too much netflix, and I'd prefer that ss do more activities type stuff, or creative play etc... but I'm busy with dinner etc... so if dh doesn't do it, oh well. Recently I had ss in the kitchen with me because edad was doing something, and when dad came in he saw that ss was on the kitchen floor with an activity book, and I was baking, I was guiding ss in asking him what letter that was, what color it was, etc... and ss was having trouble with identifying something as purple - DH got upset with ss because he felt like ss should know his colors at 4 1/2, and dh ended up walking away frustrated. A little while later, I said that maybe ss should practice more of that type of thing rather than watch cartoons all the time. Finally DH agreed, and for the past few weeks he's been limiting the netflix, much to ss's chagrin.

As for my sanity - if I need to take a time out, I take it... but I won't shirk my "household responsibilities" to do so. If my kids are there I will stil make dinner etc... but I might go take a long hot bubble bath afterwards instead of interacting with everyone - or if ss is being particularly bratty, I'll tell DH "he's all yours!" and go take a long walk or something. He has yet to say anything about that.

I think it's that we both have a mutual understanding that we are not to assume each other's role or responsibilities - if he wants my help with ss, he'll ask... he'll ask if I'm able to pick up ss, or if I'd mind watching ss while he does a work out.. he doesn't assume that just because I'm there, just because I'm his wife, that he can automatically dump ss on me, and I don't assume that I can dump my responsibilities on him just because he's there and he's my husband.

Mutual respect goes a long way, and doesn't generally include assumptions... unless you've previously talked about them and agreed upon them.

My husband is custodial and, while she has the ability to do so, Medusa hasn't laid eyes on her kids in over 6 years.

Before he had custody, Medusa behaved a lot like ProbablyAlready's BM. The ONE good thing about these last 6 years is that I don't have to hear her shit

My husband isn't a great parent, so I have disengaged and let him handle things with his kids. ASS is already out, KarateKid will be out this fall and BabyVoice will be out in two years. I think of this period of my life as marking time until I get my life back.

I think it's generally worse for stepmoms when dads are custodial due to all of the housework that children bring, and the fact that our society still largely views all of that as the woman's job.

Custodial (helicopter) BMs love to do everything themselves so they can be martyrs.

Custodial dads seem to love pushing it all of onto the woman in the home. Obviously there are exceptions, but...

I have dated both custodial and non custodial dads, and have been a stepchild, a custodial mother, and a non custodial mother.

My best friend has a ss who was 2 when she got with her husband, he was custodial and the biomom sees him 3x a year and contributes a whopping $7 a month. In their family she is mom, what mom says goes and there are no normal step issues. Dad also doesn’t treat this kid like a fragile flower cod, so I’m sure that makes a difference.

My SO is custodial parent of SS12.

My SO signs papers, shows up when and where I tell him to show up. Says what I ask him to say (for the most part) and BM....well she pops up now and again but she really has 0 say in anything considering she's a "sometimer".

SO and I have equal parenting authority over SS. I am SS's primary care provider. I communicate with school, I schedule doctor's appointments, I pick up from school in the event of sickness.

It just works for us. Financially, I also take care of all of that because SO is terrible with money.

As much as my high-level of involvement with SS wigs some people out, our family life is very calm, aside from BD3 it's peaceful (she's a little noise maker) but we have 0 issues in the respect/power department. SO has always made sure SS thanks me when I make dinner, if I tell SS to do something more than once, he backs me up.

It's incredibly easy-apart from when BM aka "the Village Idiot" decides to rear her ugly large forehead.

My DH has custody. I will say I think I have it easier than those who only see their skids EOWE. My skid is here all the time so my DH doesn’t do the Disney parenting which I find unbearable when reading about. Because he is here all the time, my DH is exposed to ALL of SS temperaments and the rose glasses aren’t as tinted as some dads who only see their kids EOWE with BM running them around to whatever she’s scheduled. I don’t have a lot of skid trouble, he and I have a decent relationship at this point (knocking on woods) and I know it has a lot to do with BM only having limited time with him so she can’t alienate him from me. Sure she tells him I’m shit and mean and whatever but it contradicts what he sees 5 out of 7 days of the week (she has weekends). Fiance3 also doesn’t play stepdad to SS because SS knows his dad is home. He’s taken a backseat to SS whereas with Spawn (BMs other kid she has primary of) he actively parents.

My problems are BM. They’ve always been BM. It’s what brought me here.

My DH got custody when Killjoy was eight, and by then it was too late to change her horrible personality. BM is still HC and PASes the crap out of her. Killjoy takes BM's hostility out on me in my home, and I don't get much of a break because she lives with us. DH is too passive, but I think Killjoy would be an as$hole regardless. I used to think we could save Killjoy, but she is the splitting image of BM, and I can't wait for her to leave.

All depends on the custodial dad. BM2 is never involved, doesn't pay a cent, doesn't even live in the same country. She talks to SS15 about 5 minutes per week on average. My DH is a great husband but a Disney dad who always feels sorry for SS because he has autism and his egg donor is a loser wh*re.

I 80% disengage and have told my DH that I will follow his lead. If he does nothing, I do nothing. If he steps up, I will back him up but I am NOT doing this on my own. It's not my responsibility to make up for SS's BM being a loser and I refuse to pity SS.

So SS sits in his room every free moment staring at his TV in some form and is doing poorly in school. Just had another round of him crapping himself...while we were on vacation no less. Has no responsibilities and no expectations and he's living up to it craptastically.

Yeah, DH, your pity Disney dad parenting is going SO WELL. :sick:

I am married to a custodial dad. He is a very poor parent in most respects. He wants to be the buddy of his kids, in some bad competition with his ex wife. His kids are 17 and 20. He has been divorced about 6 / 7 years.

BM has a grand old time bashing him because she would obviously be the better parent *eye roll* while she pays ZERO CS for the minor son and has paid NOTHING for the last two years. BM has no time for SS17 while she is off finding herself with her new age nonsense, tarot reading career and conspiracy theory crap. Mentally, I dont think she lives on this planet!

IPOD-H (STBXH) had no idea how to parent besides buying his children because of guilt. He still wallows in the fact he got divorced and that his children's poor adaptation is due to divorce trauma. No.. you and BM are just crappy parents!

Please be careful and look at how your partner views his responsibilities to his child, how he parents and what he lets slide. Especially if like my instance, he is happy to palm off the parenting to you, then complain about how hard you are on his kid/s when they dont meet or adhere to new household standards. With a train wreck ex junkie not paying decent CS, there is room for lots of drama. Your partner needs to have healthy boundaries right at the start or you are going to find yourself back in step hell. You can help your partner by setting the parameters of your relationship and guarding your own boundaries. You have been down this road before and know what to look for to have a healthy relationship.

You know I wa thinking about this the other day.
I think everybody thinks that having custody is harder than not having it.
In fact it is the other way around:you have custody you have control
As a SM I. would use that control to gain some peace(the peace of having a schedule thaat BM cant shake the foundation out of).
Also the lies an manipulation would be obvious.
However it depends on how the dh and skids are and the skid age.
If bm is the custodial parent the above benefits automatically transfer to stepdad