Work and (future) stepkids.
I don’t know if I can articulate this well but one of my biggest frustrations is that work does not respect my family the same as they do an ‘intact’ one.
For example were about to be expanding but they don’t want to hire more people to do my job. This alone is a problem. They are expecting all of us to work more than what was agreed when we were hired. It’s not much more hour wise but it equals another day.
Well I have a problem with that every other week. I try my best to be home when my partner has his children. It’s time for ALL of us to be together. Throughout the week him and I work opposite of each. I enjoy getting to spend time with him on Friday alone until we get the kids then Saturday is all of us.
So since I’m not required to work that extra day I don’t want to. I want to maintain my every other Saturday off and that is where the issue lies. My boss respects that my coworker has a family and seems to prioritize him while not understanding the importance of me having every other Saturday. If I give it up that means I go 3 weeks without spending real time with the kids because I get off so late. It means I don’t get to see my partner on the one day we have off together but no. He just doesn’t seem to understand that.
He has children too. He is fine making sure he doesn’t have to give up his time. He makes sure my coworker gets his family time. But hey it’s only Saturday when it comes to me. I think my being off every other Saturday is more important than my coworker because it’s my ONLY day to be with my family. If my coworker misses out on that day so what he still gets every 13 other days that week.
Then if they need to call anyone in they don’t even try my coworker. It’s me first then they want to give me a hard time when I say I can’t because we’ve got the kids. Over Christmas they couldn’t respect that I was watching them.
I also find that my boss remembers that my coworker needs X days and times to take care of his kids but it’s too much for him to even try to remember what I say I need for my family.
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I feel for you! I had a job
I feel for you! I had a job when I first got down here... Made it very clear upfront that I was involved in the Skid’s lives and that they have events I’m responsible for. They kept scheduling me poorly... And even went so far as to say “well you’re not a real parent.” It was crushing... I literally found the first job I could and quit that one:
At the time she was ditching them weeks at a time, and would only take them a day or two here and there... I was (still am) a VERY involved parent because I’m whose there and they are my family. Didn’t matter to them. Because I didn’t birth them I wasn’t “real,” even though I’m raising them.
I see a difference in being
I see a difference in being the actual parent and being the stepparent , I think it would be more important to try and schedule a EOWE parent a weekend day off than a EOWE stepparent. But many work places care little if you are a parent, stepparent or neither, work days include weekends. Take it or leave it.
I'm not sure the employer necessarily has to accommodate the EOWE stepparent. In a stepfamily there is always the chance of scheduling visitations changing, parents switching weekends ect. Is the employer expected to stay up to date on what every employee has going for every weekend before scheduling?
I'm not against a stepparent wanting a Saturday off coordinating with his/her stepkids visits. Of course I totally understand the desire and the not being able to spend the days with the children when they come... but is it really up to the employer to see that a stepchild's and their employee's schedules match on weekends? Many workplaces require their employees to work weekends. Many of those employees get perhaps one Saturday and/or one Sunday off , occasionally a kind workplace will make those two days in one weekend. And many of those workplaces do it to a person regardless of whether they are parents with children in the home. Kind of the work it or find a different job type of situation. How many husbands of the members here have to work part of the weekend their children are suppose to come for visitation? We hear of the babysitting battles constantly.
Hers and mine weren’t though.
Hers and mine weren’t though. Mine would accommodate ANYONE else. Just not me because I wasn’t “real.” But I’m the one raising them. Hers will arrange for the one with bios but not her.
My role as a stepparent is
My role as a stepparent is just as valid as my coworkers as a parent in my eyes when it comes to work. If the child lived with us full time because BM was out of the picture we would be the same so why is it less just because they don't. If I was the only mother, be it stepmother, than would I not be equal to him as a father?
I believe that in terms of just being able to spend time with the child my EOWE needs trump my coworker who can see his child any other time. I have less chances then him. If I miss my Saturday it's 13 days till I get another chance. If he misses that Saturday he gets to see the kid the next day. He gets the chance the next Saturday also. I do not.
I expect them to remember my need for every other Saturday just the same as they remember my coworkers need for every Monday off. They are choosing to not respect my step parenting time because they rank the importance less and in our home its not. I am just as important as my partner when it comes to our time together for that day. The children miss me when I'm not there and considering the issues that come from a poor bond between child and step parent I'm not going to chance that.
I don't respect that because I'm "just" the step parent my weekend isn't respected and they want me to work EVERY Saturday so that my coworker gets his weekends with his kid. This isn't just an issue with weekends. It's an issue when I have to stay home to watch the kid while my partner works. They have not issue making arrangements to cover for him if his wife is working but I'm a problem all the sudden? They want to be upset when I won't come in because I'm with the kids because "their not YOUR kids." Well in our home they are. They respect his need to be home to help with the child when schools out but if I do the same I'm causing issues.
It goes beyond work hours too though. It's the whole culture. Everyone wants to see coworkers pictures of the kids (or at-least tolerates) but I'm wasting time. Coworker talks about his daughter in soccer, AMAZING. I do similar, so what. If I talk about being concerned that the child is sick it's not responded to the same as if coworkers kid is sick.
Heck SO's kids had the flu back in November. They just started showing symptoms over his weekend and he was sick the day after they left and I had started to have symptoms but they just couldn't understand how I could have gotten it since they were ONLY there two days.
Its that my work has a culture of being positive and flexible with "real" parents and doesn't extend that to the MANY stepparents they employ. If in our home I am an "equal parent" then it shouldn't matter if I'm "just a step parent" to work because that's not true for our home. In our home I'm the same as my coworker is for his home.
"I believe that in terms of
"I believe that in terms of just being able to spend time with the child my EOWE needs trump my coworker who can see his child any other time. I have less chances then him. If I miss my Saturday it's 13 days till I get another chance. If he misses that Saturday he gets to see the kid the next day. He gets the chance the next Saturday also. I do not......I think this is a crucial part of your argument and I would make it all about this point. I would not even be daunted as to the "why" the boss is treating you differently, but instead focus on the "equality for both" factor and leave it at that.
That is part of my point. The
That is part of my point. The "equality for both" isn't happening because special consideration is being given to a bio-parent and the stepparent role is being completely ignored.
My boss is giving him special privileges because he believes coworker's ability to see his child is important. He is ONLY doing it because of the mans role as a father.
If it were "fair" and not considering the parental role than we wouldn't have the issue because we'd work every other Saturday already. That's not the case here at all. My boss is trying to push for me to work EVERY Saturday. It's not the wrong every other Saturday.
It's not happening because I'm refusing to allow it. The problem is the culture that is making an exception for the parent and not the stepparent.
The WHY is important in this case because it's what's starting this in the first place. The parent is being placed above non parents in general. The place respects that the parent needs time.
It's no different then them giving Sunday off to religious people. Me not being religious in their eyes means I can work every Sunday and I fought that one too. Again the WHY is the problem and what needs to be dealt with. The WHY is what's initiating the special consideration.
You file your taxes "single"
You file your taxes "single" and I think that's the biggest difference for your employer. Many people don't look at boyfriend's relatives as having the same family status as husbands and biological kids.
But it's not me you have to
But it's not me you have to convince.
FWIW, my husband worked both weekends (six months a year, rolled with the seasons) and rotated holidays on the schedule just like everybody else. Our joint youngest daughter spent many weekends and numerous holiday without her father present. There was no preferential treatment on weekends or holidays regardless what the employee's parent status was. However, there was extra pay on weekends and double time and a half on holidays.
In our work there is and it's
In our work there is and it's placing Parents above non parents. Step parents are considered non parents.
They also do it for students vs non students too because of the nature of the work.
Legally step parents are non
Legally step parents are non parents. You (and me) are nothing to our step kids, legally speaking. Your employer may have legal obligations to make reasonable accommodations for parents (I don’t know employment laws to know for certain) and you would not get these accommodations because you are not a parent.
It might suck but that is the way it is. There is a reason that many of us try to keep a little distance from our step kids and that is because legally we are nothing to them. We have no legal say over their lives and they could be taken out if our lives at any moment and there would be nothing that we could legally do about it.
If you really want to pursue this issue then you could try your HR department or your union representative but I don’t know how far you would get.
P.S. just realized that you aren’t married to your SO so I can see even more why your protests are falling on deaf ears. I am not one to delegitimize your role based on a piece of paper but you are asking that you have the schedule you want so that you can spend sometime with your boyfriend’s kids to the detriment of a father spending time with his bio kids.
If I were you I would try negotiating and agree to do the Saturday shifts but ask for something that you want in return. Perhaps you are on call less frequently or get a better office or get your choice of time off in the summmer or whatever it is that you want.
Step parents are
Step parents are nonparents.
If your relationship were to end right now, your connection to those kids would be cut.
I took plenty of time off to attend events with my son when he was a kid. That was not an option when I was with my ex. In the 5 1/2 years we were together, I took off 2 days for something related to his oldest daughter.
That's BS. Your boss knows
That's BS. Your boss knows it, your coworker knows it, and you know it. Work schedules should be allocated fairly. It doesn't matter if you have bio kids, step kids, or no kids. Don't let yourself be guilted into doing more than your fair share. Almost sounds like sex discrimination too if the "family men" get more time off than the women. Plus if you're getting called into work there needs to be some confrontation. Not just call whoever is available. Can you not answer your phone? I'd stand my ground, think about an EEO complaint and start looking for another job.
Years ago I applied for a job and was told point-blank that a "head of household " (code word for a man) made X dollars more than a non-head of household. I reported them to the department of labor.
People can not (properly)
People can not (properly) relate to situtions they do not understand. Your boss is a parent - is he a step parent? Why should he need to understand something he cannot relate to? How often do we say, "Non step parents just DO NOT understand"?
)
I think part of the responsibility here rests with you - having an honest and open conversation with your employer about your work conditions, expectations, amount of work you are carrying and extra time. This needs to framed in terms of things important to your boss: productivity, efficiency and an equitable division of time and labour between staff. Most bosses switch off when you start on unfairness and home life. Dont frame it that way. Learn to argue your work case in work terms. (Same applies when asking for a raise
I dont think it is your boss's job to understand. I think it is part of your job to bring the understanding because I will bet your employer isnt even aware of the possible double standard he is creating. (Cant operate outside of your knowledge base.)
(Where my own employment situation previously related to direct family, adopted family, in laws, children and spouse, there WAS nothing that related to step families. Its all now been bundled under days for "family responsibility" as families look different for different people. The number of days we allow is the same and work is rotated fairly through all staff based on things related to their work responsibilities - and nothing to do with their home life. I myself do a Saturday half day shift once a month in return for two afternoons off in a month. Do I want to work on a Saturday? No but the practice is open and it is fair we have everyone on duty at least one Saturday a month. )
You aren't married though,
You aren't married though, are you? I thought your bf was still trying to settle the divorce? Most people aren't going to treat you like a parent to your bf's kids.
You make it sound like you
You make it sound like you are more of a parent to your SOs kids than your coworker is to her bio kids.
You are not a parent to skid. Especially not 4 days a month. They are not related to you in any way shape or form.
If I had two employees come to me for time off for kid related things…I would not pick you to be off either for kids that your boyfriend has 4 days a month. (if that is actually the deciding factor).
Is there some other reason for the issue going on at work? I can’t imagine them not letting you off on Saturdays based on your home life. Maybe they like your work better than the other person. I am at the point in my life, I would quit a good paying job if I had to work Saturdays. lol
dontfeedthetrolls a few
dontfeedthetrolls a few points of fact
You can not turn chicken nuggets into a filet of salmon.
Try filing an EEOC law suit and see how far you get.
Lets say in 3months your boyfriend and you decide to call the quits. Your at work and the process server arrives looking for YOU.
YOU my dear have just been served to appear in court because YOU are being sued for Child Support, back child support, 1/3 medical expenses, 1/3 of college expenses, 1/3 of activities AND 1/3 re-payment of gvt handouts since BM got busted for not reporting truthful answers on Food Stamp applications during the past 2 years you were dating boyfriend.
Be careful with what YOU wish for and think your entitled to. You do have the freedom to find job and only accept the position IF you get everything you want.
Off topic... Food stamps...
Off topic... Food stamps... Can we be sued for BM having claimed those when she never even really breathes in the direction of the skids?... Bother her SM and us have tried to report it and they've refused to do anything...
Sorry saw that and was like "s***f***ing better not!" She's already cost us like 15k in all the debt she caused...
Nope! Her fraud is hers to
Nope! Her fraud is hers to deal with.
I discovered that Medusa was fraudulently receiving food stamps. I reported her to DHS and they investigated. She had to pay back every dime she received and is barred from ever receiving them again.
Oh good Because that just
Oh good
Because that just freaked me. Considering we're about to serve her (just finishing getting our duckies lined up) I figure a LOT of stuff is about to come out in the open... And it's not gonna be fun!
But I was like WE TRIED TO REPORT HER!!! How much can one woman financially murder us??? LMAO (I laugh because the bills we're still paying because of her hurt... lol)
^^^THIS^^^ sometimes not
^^^THIS^^^
sometimes not sharing details is the wiser path.
^^ In all honesty, I think
If it helps at all, from my experience the Parent Bias is a double-edged sword. Yes, the parent is sometimes able to get more time off or avoid overtime, but the flip side is that parents who use their parental status as an excuse for time off are considered unreliable and passed over for promotion or big ticket projects. So if I were you I'd be looking for ways to make that work for you, if you and coworker are ever in competition for a promotion or extra benefit. I'm not saying sabotage - I'm saying work the bias in your favor since you are getting the crappy end now.
I understand you wanting to
I understand you wanting to have weekends off and so on. But you are very unrealistic.
I don’t believe you can request or demand time off based on “Stepparent” status.
You technically aren’t a stepparent. You two are not married and in fact he is still married to someone else. So you can’t be even engaged. He is your boyfriend and he has kids. But that’s not sufficient for requesting time off. “I want time off because I want to hang out with boyfriend and his kids”. That doesn’t sound right. You can refer to it as “my family” or “my kids” and so on, but in reality that isn’t so. Employers aren’t obligated to accommodate employees wanting to spend time with their boyfriends and boyfriends kids 4 days a month, it can’t be possibly compared to having to accommodate parents and their parenting time with their children. I don’t know why you even compare? Apples and oranges.
Wanting time off isn’t wrong. You just aren’t being realistic about it.