As of the past few days I have decided I need to step back a bit.. I'm not saying completely... I couldn't do that... But enough that my DH can actually start seeing the issues at hand. He's in denial and I'm enabling him... The girls are going through more than they should and he's really the only one that can stop it... I'm killing myself trying to make up for the fact the one parent is emotionally abusive and a narcissist and the other is kind of lazy when it comes to the kids, as well as in denial about the situation involving the other parent...

But I understand... I'm using it as a last ditch effort... I've talked to DH again and again about the issues and have them thrown in my face... It's turned into me sacrificing and him getting to do what he wants... So he needs a reality check and I don't know how else to do it...

That being said, if he asks for help and comes to me, I will probably help out with whatever task it is he needs help with. Because I know my DH, and he's stubborn, so he's only going to ask if he REALLY needs it.

But from now on when the girls tell me s*** BM does, I'm sending them directly to him. So he can hear it first hand and start seeing what I've seen for ages now.

You’re not wrong. A lot of the venters here have come to learn that disengagement is the only way to have a bit of sanity left. It’s more a “pick your battles” argument they’re presenting. Or suggesting that a lot of drama is self-made. While I respect the theory of disengagement it falls back to your situation. In my situation it is frustrating for people to tell me not to get involved when I am the primary care giver for 5 years and some change. But I delete blogs, I don’t re-introduce my situation every time I post and I don’t post as often as I used to so those comments you have to take with a grain of salt. Or state in the post that it’s not an option.

It’s kind of like telling someone not to worry about something that doesn’t directly pertain to them but does indirectly. A lot of the Disengagers don’t see their SKid enough to warrant involvement, some don’t have any bio support to make their effort worth a damn and some are just trying to navigate to the path of least resistance until skids age out.

Oh my goodness I'm so happy you posted this. When I initially came on here years ago, I would complain about my DH (than boyfriend) wanting my help and I would always be told "not your kid not your problem" and the like. That turned into me refusing to help him with ANYTHING because not my kid, not my problem, which in turn, meant he resented me because we were essentially living two different lives - mine was easy, free, always going out with friends, having tons of extra money, and enjoying my kid-free life and his was stressful, always trying to find sitters and be a proper parent and always on a budget. We were so far apart because of this.

We weren't happy at all. And we ended up taking a break, which made me realize that I truly can't be serious with a parent unless i'm serious about being part of a family, albeit a blended one but a family nonetheless. I truly agree that sometimes you have to suck it up and help out because YOU'RE PART OF A BLENDED FAMILY. that's just how it is. Like mentioned, as long as the bioparent is giving you support and authority, you HAVE to accept your responsibility as a stepparent.

I got a couple comments on my last blog about picking up my SD from school and how it sucks putting my newborn in the car and listening to him cry. One person said it's not my biokid why should I have to pick her up? Well, I have to pick her up OR find another way for her to get home because she's my stepkid and she's part of my family - that's why.

Just my thoughts on the topic. Thanks for posting this!!

On the contrary, I think disengagement is usually the answer...and I think it's the best thing I ever did for my DH and for his kids. Once I stopped trying to 'fix it' DH stepped up, which is what the kids wanted.

I'm not mean about it...I don't ignore the kids when they're over. I also don't go out of my way for them. I don't consider them in my day-to-day life and schedule at all...or let their needs really impact my plans. If I want to go to a school event, I do. Otherwise, I don't. If I'm already cooking dinner when they're over...fine. Otherwise, it's on them or their dad. Etc.

I see where you’re coming from, but...

when you’re given all responsibility, but no authority? No.

When BM speaks to you, BP, and other family members, through their own child with “My moms says...” and BP, and other family members rubberneck back at you with a wide eyed look on their faces like “What YOU gonna do!?” Then yeah... I’m going to disengage and recommend anyone else going through the same exact thing to disengage.

I don't think it's wrong for a bioparent to *ask* for help with their child, I do think it's wrong for one to assume that a stepparent will help without limit. I see more assumptions than requests on this site. And like PP mentioned, I see a lot of bioparents wanting the best of both worlds--accountability without authority.

Realistically, this site is going to see the worst of the worst.... People who are desperate for ideas as to how to muddle through these issues. Should our first answer be to disengage completely? Maybe. I think it depends. I know I've read a LOT of horrible situations on here.

Disengaging is unavoidable in order to keep your sanity if you're not allowed to parent a stepchild.

Request from bioparent: Help him with his homework when he gets home from school.
Make him a snack.
Clean up after him.
Buy his favorite foods.
Take him places to bond with him.

But when he flunks his classes, "It's not your business!"
When you want him to clean up after he eats or makes messes, "He's just a kid!"
When you don't like being called names, made fun of, stolen from, "You hate my kid!", "He's the child and you're the adult!", "Take the high road!"

All responsibility and no authority. You have to disengage to avoid mental breakdown, and even then you'll probably still end up hating and eventually leaving the bio parent, or they leave you because you're not waiting on their precious poopsie anymore so you're no longer useful.

My role is to help, not to parent. I operate within the parental boundaries that DH sets unless it directly impacts me, in which case my wants trump everyone else - and that goes for anyone interacting with me, not just steps.

I choose to help my DH because he makes sure the kids are respectful of me. When the kids aren't respectful, or they are rude, I disengage. If that inconveniences DH, he deals with it much more quickly than me sucking it up.

No, I don't think disengagement is the answer in every scenario, especially when someone wants to be engaged. However, even when some WANTS to be engaged, the best course of action for them may be TO disengage. Example: I would LOVE to volunteer at the kids' schools because they need help on one-off projects or programs. However, BM would interpret my involvement as trying to replace her. She'd throw a fit, the boys would get caught in the middle, DH would get frustrated and stressed, and I'll end up the bad guy. My engagement in that isn't worth it.

So, yes, I will always offer disengagement as an option. It may not need to be a long-term option, or disengagement from everything, but it should always be on the table. Stepparents should help so long as the help is needed and appreciated. When it is no longer needed or appreciated, then disengagement is the ONLY option.

Everyone runs their household the way it works for them. Suggestions don’t have to be followed if they don’t fit your life style. I sure hope no one turns their life upside down because of advise on anonymous website.

My husband is an amazing step dad. He does so much for bs and I with and without being asked But My husband is an equal partner in what goes on at our house. I am the disciplinary of bs but we discuss and make decisions as a team. If he is good enough to do dad things he deserves a say.

Disengagement is what is needed in order to save my marriage that I cherish. He’s raising his child and I am raising mine under the same roof. I parent my kid and he wants to be a Disney dad to his. After eight years, it was time for me to disengage. When your child is driving illegally, drinking at 16 years old and doing drugs and you get zero punishment for it, there comes a point where disengagement is the only answer.

If you have a healthier dynamic in your home, that’s awesome. I fought very hard to try to have a healthier dynamic in my home and lost. For some people, disengagement is the answer.

I think that reminding people that we don’t have to do everything asked/expected/demanded of us is a good thing. It is rare that alternative arrangements cannot be made. I personally look at disengagement as a process that has many levels where we can choose how much involvement we want rather our involvement being the default. I think that part of the reason it is touted on here so much is because the rest of the world will tell us to do everything for our spouses and their kids.

By the time a new poster register, they have no where to go, they google on internet how to deal with situations and they find this site...

They've tried the : being a good SM, teach the children something, be supportive, be there, help your partner, be BM's and skids punching back, free nanny, doormat and maid...

Thus by the time you register on a site like this, you have tried all and nothing worked, the next step then would be to disengage,
it's only a view ladies who register at the beginning of their blended relationship, but I think most of us... are just tired of it all and thus the advice of disengagement.

Disengagement is not a set of rules you follow, yes we post the link of disengagement and every poster use it differently,
some say it's disengagement, and some would say - Simply treat skids like they treat you,

Sometimes I forget how desperate I felt when I found ST- I didn't know how to resolve the situation regarding DH and his adult children. ST showed me that it wasn't my problem- I didn't give birth to these people, help raise them and therefore could not solve their deep seated and serious problems. I had no choice but to disengage- eight months later DH and I have gone through hell but we are still together. That is all because of this site and the process of disengagement. I think younger children are a different issue, but I know that I would never have become a stepmum to young ones and I advise other women to do the same. Some women on here lead hellish lives due to not being able to predict their futures, which no one can; but the consequences of those decisions to marry someone with children from previous relationships can be very serious indeed.

I agree OP. I also partially disengage sometimes when my DH is being particularly lazy regarding parenting. With my DH, as long as things are taken care of, he doesn't care how it happened. If I've had to ride SS's butt to do homework, wash, poo, etc, that doesn't matter to DH. It's done so no problem.

I have to step back so that he personally experiences what it takes to keep SS on track. Only when it personally affects DH does he see the light.

Otherwise, I am very much involved, despite how much I moan and fuss on here lol. At the end of the day, it's not SS's fault that his BM is a psychotic nut job and his BD is a lazy Disney dad.

I am so glad you posted this. I can understand that disengagement may work is some cases, but where there is a problem and people are told to disengage? I dont get it.

Kid is filthy,, running around the house, failing school = disengage,
Husband is giving up time siding with kids against you = disengage.
SD is behaving like a brat = disengage.

There are times when you either have to step in and correct (why should one disengage when your house is trashed when the skids visit? Some one needs to clean it in the end, and shouldnt the kids NOT behave like pigs?)

I find disengagement to be smoke and mirrors. It ignores a problem. It saves a marriage from the kids when the spouse is part of the problem. In many instances to me it is a licence for inaction. You do nothing expecting a result... It is cowardly and defeatist to me.

I think there's a really split view on disengaging.

Some take it to literally mean... act as if the skids don't exist.... Others take it as don't do anything "parental", but still interact as if they're someone in your inner circle...

I have an expectation about the way I live. There are things I will tolerate, and things I won't. Whenever I'd bring things up with DH, I would never really make it about him, or the kid... I'd put it in a way that gave him my perspective on the situation, and how it affected me.

One of the bigger issues we had in the first 6 months of living together, was that DH would always as ss, then 3, what his preference was on things. If I'd ask DH if he wanted to go out for breakfast, he'd say maybe... and then say he'll see what ss wants to do. Eventually, after asking him something and receiving the same answer, I told him that if he insisted on having his toddler's permission to do adult things, that was fine, but that I wasn't about to be led by the nose like that, and that I hope he doesn't expect ME to only do things when we have ss's permission.

For a while, there were issues in that ss wasn't eating the food I was making, because he was being picky wasting a good portion of it in favor of a pb/j sandwich, and eating all the school snacks instead of home snacks... not that big a deal - but eventually, I stopped fixing a plate for ss, and I'd call the other kids to the table. The first time, dh said you didn't make ss a plate? "No, because I didn't feel like seeing the dinner I made go into the trash while you make him a sandwich...figured I'd leave feeding him to you. Did you want me to make him a plate?"

A whole week I went without fixing ss a plate... at the end of that week, dh realized it was more convenient for him to get ss to eat what was served instead of getting him food, then throwing it away in exchange for different food... now, ss eats whatever is on his plate. Seems small, and it is, but having put the "responsibility" back on dh made dh realize that no, I don't have to do it, but if I'm going to do it, it's going to be my way.

Now - I'll treat him like MY own as long as he is expected to treat me like HIS own.

If I'm going to take on some responsibilities towards a child I'm helping to financially support, you better believe I'm also going to demand the authority I've just purchased.

I agree. If I disengaged from my step son he would have no one in his corner. I have no doubt his dad would get him by, step up and take care if him but not to the extent that I do- going for custody instead of just keeping him as BM allows, communicating with school counselors, advocating at IEP meetings. Sometimes the step is the person who has to push for change for the well being of everyone involved. It isn't easy and it isn't fun. There are a few situations I see on here where disengagement seems appropriate. The rest can be solved by healthy communication on both ends which is a tough thing for people to do.

I must have missed the post that a SM came here and said that their step life was great and the kids were respectful and DH was just a great husband but she was not going to take said skid to soccer practice. Haha.

I sort of get what you are saying. I think that some here jump on the “divorce him” train way to soon as advice. However I don’t think it is wrong to tell someone to disengage if they are being treated like crap or if they just don’t want to be engaged.

I started out disengaged basically, so I never think it is too soon for that advice. Especially here when people are only here because their step life is screwed. They don’t’ come here because it is all peaches and cream. And disengagement saves TONS of marriages.

The great thing about asking for advice here is that you get a range of view and ideas. Some will be helpful, some will be relevant, some will make us think about things from a different angle, some we will have already tried, some might not be applicable to our circumstances and some might just over simplify everything. The best way to use this site is to read all of the advice and then come back to it a day or so later and reread it again. With a little time and space it is easier to put responses in perspective and find answers that will work for us in our lives.

OP you took some advice here and obviously thought it could have some value in your life. So you tried it out and found that that level of disengagement was too much for you so you adjusted what you were doing and worked with your husband to find a balance. I call that an overall success if you are happy with how things are now. Knowing that we can choose our level of involvement is key to surviving in my mind. You and your husband now know that is an option for you and have found a level that works for both of you.

I think it depends on the age of skids. People more often advice disengaging from
troubled Adult skids rather than toddlers

"If bioparent is doing their job and there are issues then work with them. Don’t just throw up your hands and dump the problem on them. Why did you agree to become a step parent anyways if you’re going to give up the first time things don’t go your way? That’s unreasonable. Every family has problems and as a step parent we chose this to be our family yet so many of us seem so willing to just give up the moment things get tough."

I think the core issue with the above sentiment as that in many, many cases, the new spouse isn't "agreeing to be a step parent", they want to be married to the person that they love.

Now, perhaps some people are shortsighted about the potential problems of marrying a person that already has children and a potentially toxic EX (s).

Also, I don't think disengagement is always black and white either. It doesn't mean you are necessarily shunning the child and ignoring their existence in most cases. In many instances it is not allowing yourself to be the doormat for your spouse, the ex and kids to dump on. You may still do things with and for the kids, but on OUR terms and because we want to, not out of some misplaced obligation to the children. Sometimes it is because your spouse has perpetuated a problem for so long and undermines you so, you leave the discipline and fallout to them and learn how to not let that drive you crazy. Other times, it's separating finances so you aren't subsidizing their disney ways. Sometimes it means doing things for the kids because it is helpful to your spouse.. but not engaging with other aspects of the kid's lives.

With young kids it may look different than with older... the relationship with an EX may factor in. full time vs eowe.

In a nutshell, sometimes the only way to not go crazy over something is to learn how to remove yourself from the equation. Sometimes the only way a bio parent will deal with an issue is when THEY have to face it themselves. So, while we may be partners in marriage with our spouse, that doesn't mean we are automatically conferred with parental authority or rights to the kids. Sometimes the relationships are good, others not.. and others a mix. It's not always a simple matter of loving the kid into behaving. And, while some are quicker to advise disengage, it's just another option among other advice given here.. and not always the right thing or wrong solution.