Weekend ruined by passive-aggressive teenage son
My girlfriend lives in another city, far enough from where I stay to make planning visits a necessity. These usually happen over weekends. For reasons known only to herself, she insists on bringing her 19-year-old son along, even though I've subtly tried to dissuade her from doing so in the past. He then stays over at her brother's place. (And maybe this insistence on bringing him along, is a red flag in and of itself.) The son seems to be ambitionless and employed by his biological dad on a part-time basis.
So this weekend, the usual story. He's tagging along for the trip. Again. She comes to my place and sleeps over the Saturday night, he's at her brother's. I arrange an outing to a very popular entertainment venue some distance from where I live for the Sunday. You can't get in there without a booking. He's invited along. So, come Sunday, we wait for him to arrive. And wait. And wait. Doesn't arrive. Lame excuses. "Fell asleep in the bath" When he eventually shows up, 2 hours late, he doesn't even bother apologizing, even though the booking has now been lost, because we're too late. My girlfriend, the mom, doesn't even reprimand him.
However, I decide to grin and bear it, and go to a different restaurant close by the original booking. Sullen silence all the way there in the car. Me and his mom nevertheless have a good time, so I suggest that we go for a quick farewell drink at a place close to my place on the way home. He flatly refuses to do so, insisting that they go home immediately. (Really? After I didn't say a word about his deliberate sabotaging of our day out and still picked up the full tab?) His mom again doesn't say a word.
So I just decide the hell with it, I'm not taking this, and drive home in silence, basically showing no affection to her while greeting her, and get them out of there as soon as I can. She texts me today saying she's sorry, him and her had a huge fight, but I'm like: Why did you bring him along anyway? Why not have told him on Sunday to get his crap together?
Don't know if there's a future in this relationship. She's a nice enough person, but her son doesn't have a real job, is not studying, and I'm not going to support him. What should I do? Give it one more chance, but refuse to see her again if she insists on bringing him along?
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If I were you, I think I'd
If I were you, I think I'd end this relationship. Her bringing her adult son along on what essentially should be relationship-building weekends is a sign that she's not truly invested in building a relationship. Her son isn't a toddler who needs to be watched over the weekend and he should have his own life by this point, so shouldn't feel as if he has to be with his mom all the time. Clearly there are other issues at play there, but whatever those are, she hasn't opened herself up to having an adult relationship with someone.
Also, you ended by saying "she's a nice enough person", so it doesn't seem like you're wild about her.
Save yourself the drama and find someone without her baggage.
Yeah, I think I actually knew
Yeah, I think I actually knew this before even writing the blog entry.
Problem is: I'm a widower, my wife died a while ago, so most of the dateable women of my age have kids. Not a very encouraging thought.
But not all women with kids
But not all women with kids have weird relationships with them.
The trick is to try and
The trick is to try and figure out their relationships with their kids before you start dating them...
Spend some time reading the
Spend some time reading the Adult Stepchildren forum on this site.
That is your future, unless your girlfriend starts setting boundaries with her lazy son and acting like a parent instead of his friend.
So, you are dating this woman
So, you are dating this woman and her son?
I think I'd pass on this one.
gross, her kid sounds more
gross, her kid sounds more like her BF, than you do. Does the man child live with her or the bio dad?
He lives with her. But yes,
He lives with her. But yes, in a sick way he's like her BF too. Come to think of it, I've seen this before with other women (not ones I've dated), where the son becomes a surrogate husband. Now you've grossed me out though
Sorry to gross you out! I
Sorry to gross you out! I could MAYBE see if the man baby lived with his dad and his mother only got to see him on the weekends, her bringing him along... again MAYBE I could understand her thought process a bit better. But the fact that this man child lives with her and she has to bring him along on her out of town dates? Yuck. and No.
It's weird to me too. What
It's weird to me too. What makes it even weirder is: she's OK with sleeping over at my place, alone, but he's got to come along for some of the rest of the time. WTF?
My first thought was the she
My first thought was the she brings him along to keep a certain emotional distance from you. Sure, she spends the night with you (a girl's got to get a little, right?) but other than that, she is not interested in a one-on-one relationship. At least, not with you.
And what's wrong with her son? A nineteen year old that wants to hang out with his mommy on her dates?
Really, just move on.
That too! Why in the world
That too! Why in the world would a nineteen year old man even WANT to tag along with his mother?? Especially when he lives with her. It's not like he doesn't get to see her. I wonder if poster has been to HER house yet? I'm taking a wild guess that 19 year old sleeps all day, plays video games all night, doesn't do a stitch of laundry or picking up after himself etc.
Thanks for these comments. It
Thanks for these comments. It was a relatively new relationship, meaning we haven't seen each other that often, because of the distance. I too thought it weird first two times this happened, but then I guess went into denial - maybe he was just worried or protective, I told myself.
But dead right, there's something very disturbing about him tagging along all the time. Guess I just needed to hear it from an outside perspective too. So I am going to end it, and I could or maybe should, I suppose, try to tell her that she needs to get rid of this third party thing in her next relationship, but perhaps it's not my problem but the next guy's.
My mom was widowed at 50.
My mom was widowed at 50. When I was 19 my mom was dating and she MOST DEFINITELY was not dragging me (or my 16 year old brother) around on dates with her.
Unless she's afraid her kid is going to burn the house down during an overnight absence, then it's really strange that she brings him along. If she IS afraid he's going to burn the house down, that's another episode of Jerry Springer. Either way, R U N.
I laughed way too hard at the
I laughed way too hard at the Jerry Springer reference here, thank you!
Run, and far. and now!!!
Run, and far. and now!!! Somethings amiss here that is not a normal mother son relationship and it sounds like you have the patience of a God. Another woman without idiot kids will appreciate that!
She didn't want to pump and
She didn't want to pump and brought him along so he wouldn't miss a feeding.
She is just not that in to
She is just not that in to you.....if I had designs on a man, no way would my kid be around at all until I was very serious; the last thing I would want when I am getting to know somebody...LOL... All that is shining (with this lady), is not gold. A woman who wants to truly be with you will find a way to make it happen; also desiring no distraction. I have seen friends with all kinds of obstacles, find a way to be alone with a man who they desire, and in your case we are not talking about a young child here requiring a sitter, or does he?
Find somebody better suited for you. The new lady will make certain you get to the reservation and will focus on you. If she has a child you will meet the child at the right time, but the right time, will not be couple time. You need to be a priority too.
End the relationship - it's
End the relationship - it's going nowhere....
It's a long distance relationship, and her son is an adult, she can visit you on her own and send him to his father for the week-end, if you go to her, she can make sure he's at his father's....
really I've been in a long distance relationship before and that's what we did, we wanted to see if it could work between us as adults, and we both made plans with the children so we can have alone time, and both our children where minors....... eventually it did not work out why I can't even remember lol.....
Kiss her and her mooch
Kiss her and her mooch goodbye. They aren't worth it. I have an 18yr old Son and there is no way in hell I would take him to a romantic weekend. Thats just gaggable..vomit bucket..anyone?