Full psychological testing is a great place to start. If there is anything going on, the process can suss it out, as long as everyone is on the same page. My SS8 has done 2 rounds of full testing with no conclusion other than that his parents can't agree on anything. Objective testing is inconclusive, and DH's and BM's versions of reality are different. Based on DH's observations, SS is on the autism spectrum, with BM's, he's perfectly normal (you know, except that he makes himself throw up, he diddles his hair all day and other sensory-seeking activities).

His teacher was the "tie breaker" last year, but she clearly felt he was ADHD, which didn't jibe with either parent, so there was no diagnosis, and the child is just as off as he always was with absolutely zero progress. According to him, he "just needs to focus."

I will say that I had issues with my bio DD and threatening to kill people when she was mid-elementary school. She's bright beyond her years, so I was able to sit her down and tell her in no uncertain terms that those words were a problem and she needed to stop. (I make it sound like it was a calm and rational conversation, even though it wasn't!) She did, and all is well, but she's on the explosive side, too. She doesn't talk about her feelings--good or bad--and then something happens and she just breaks. There's always something that sparks it.

A good developmental pediatrician or child psychologist will help you to deal with the skid--and help you with how to have the school deal with him, too.

Doesn't sound like an AS spectrum problem to me. Surely something like that would have been picked up at some earlier point? I think this child is really struggling and has crap parents as you say, probably never had good boundaries or was taught how to cope with his feelings and control anger.

You cannot fix this. You are not the parent and why are YOU getting emails from the school anyway? I know you are trying to help but if the parents are actively working against you and don't care then you are just flogging a dead horse. It's very sad. Your SS needs to have a full psychological evaluation and they need to have therapy and parenting classes. Nothing will help until these issues are addressed.

I am surprise the schools haven't called the police to have him taken in for a mental eval. Where I live the schools are mandated to call the police anytime a kid threatens to kill someone at the school. The police take the kid to the hospital for a mental health eval, most of the time the kid is on a 72 hour mental hold. The unfortunate part is you better hope the medical insurance covers the cost or you end up with a huge bill.

Has the school threatened suspension or expulsion yet? I'd be surprised if that hadn't been discussed since he is threatening violence at school. Or the school, for better or worse, isn't taking the threats seriously.

In this situation, though, there is only so much you CAN do. You can schedule the appointments, but if one of the bios doesn't sign off on the paperwork, your SS won't get services.

If he is truly a danger to himself or others, and if no one of authority is willing to take an actual step to get him help, it may be time to start formulating an exit strategy. I could not, and would not, live with a child who threatens harm that isn't being adequately cared for. That's too much liability on my head if something were to happen, and I'd rather be as far away as possible.

If you feel it necessary, reach out to the resources provided and get appointments set up. Get one of his parents (preferably his dad) to sign off on treatment. If everyone is going to keep their heads in the sand, exit the situation. Live apart. Do NOT put yourself in danger, either physically or by association, with this mess. Something has to change, and if it isn't your SO's response to a serious situation, then it needs to be yours.

Best of luck.

Sorry Long....you can PM me if you want.

What about scheduling a regional center evaluation. Look them up in your area. Like most have said your hands are pretty much tied as he is not your child. The struggle I would have with this is that I am aware of the kids problem/issues and know something needs to be done.

With my own child he was threating suicide and hurting someone else. I took his little a$$ to the ER where they talked to him and decided he need to be evaluated. He spent 7 days in a mental behavioral hospital. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and it was the longest week ever. I was a freaking Zombie but it had to be done. He was in 6th grade and was being bullied by students and teachers. From there he received home hospital education because I refused to allow him back into the special Ed class with the teacher that was a bully.

He was put on Medicine and when he went back to school he was given a behavior plan in his IEP. He was in special ed since preschool. I ended up getting an education lawyer to show the school I wasn't screwing around. We did not need to use the lawyer but lost our retainer fee. I was getting calls daily. They were telling me I needed to punish him at home for chit he was getting punished at school for. Stuff like leaving the classroom and other crap that had they the school had control of the situation wouldn't have happened. I had a school psychologist telling me that if I had better control of my son he wouldn't be having problems at school. I told him I didn't have problems at home because my son knew who the boss was. It was horrible. I had to pick him up from school early at least twice a week. He was already in a self contained special Ed class. So I got the lawyer because they screwed up on his IEP and had him listed as a speech disability when I had given them documentation for a dx of Autism 4 years prior. I called an emergency IEP meeting and told them my educational attorney and son's therapist would be present. Prior to the IEP meeting they ask me what I expected the outcome to be. I told them I wanted them to pay for my son to go to a NON Public school. $46,000 to $64,000.00 per year and this was 7th grade meaning they would have to pay for his education for the next 5 years. Son was reading at 4th grade level he is able to learn they just didn't know how to teach him.

I got what I wanted. Despite all of the crap my son graduated this past June (On Time when he was supposed to.) with a high school diploma not a HS certificate BS that they like to try to get you to agree too. Because it requires hard work on both the student and teachers to achieve this.
The school district my son was in is one of the biggest in the county they are #2 in the nation. You would think that they would be better at educating our kids. I had to spend 7yrs plus 3 yrs. preschool to fight the school district to do right by my son. It took getting a lawyer for them to listen to me. They would have been hung by their you know what's if our lawyer had continued. She was going for restitution and suing the teacher that bullied my son. It would have been ugly and probably on the national news.

Just to add.. My own Mom and his Dad weren't on board at first. I was fighting them too but in the end I was correct.

Personally I think you need to stop trying to fix this child and force his parent to. Why didn't your DH talk to the school/teachers ?

Maybe the kid is a budding psycho or maybe he is just attention seeking . My exSDthen9 was an extreme attention seeker - to the point of lying about being bullied at school to ge other kids in trouble. She got caught in a huge lie at school and the school recommended counseling . That was a wake up call to her parents .

I live in Colorado and when I hear stories like this I always think of Columbine. I don't think it is ever too soon to intervene when a kid is talking about killing
class-mates.

Do you have a "children's hospital" or a "university hospital" in your area? They might have special mental health divisions that could be helpful.