I am at my wits end
Hello everyone, I am new to this blog and I am so thankful I found it. I am reaching the end of my rope. My step daughter who is almost 27 and lives at home has not accepted me. My husband and I have been together for 20 years and married for 8 years. We have 3 children between us. I came in with 2 sons and he has his 1 daughter. What I mean by her not accepting me is, If she needs something, she only talks to her dad, and not me. She can't even look at me when I am having a conversation with her, but when her father talks to her she can look him in the eyes with no problem. I have come to the conclusion that when she was a child because she didn't want to have a step mom, she learned to block me out and no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to change her. I admit, I made mistakes and I own it, but in order to move forward, we must put the past behind us, but she still holds on to it. I have been trying my hardest to be the best step parent I can be. No matter how many times I tried to build something with her, she always finds a way to blame me for something and all of the work that I put in, gets knocked to the ground and I say to my self, "oh, she is just going through some things" and I let it go. I never lied to this girl, I never mistreated her although in her mind she believes I did. I have owned and teken full responsibility for my actions, I have apologized to her if I have ever done anything to her, over and over again. I have done everything I can for this girl, but yet she still is rude, nasty, ungrateful, disconnected, she is a liar and is disrespectful. She really feels a sense of entitlement, like I owe her something. I am tired of trying to build a relationship with someone who doesn't want one with me. I am sick and tired of doing all of the work and she does nothing. This has been going on for years, I have reached my breaking point and at this point, I no longer trust her or the words she says. I will be cordial when I see her. I will only say hello or good bye. All bets are off. I will be the bigger person, but I have to watch my back because If I turn the other cheek, she will stab me in the back. I am not sure If I am looking for advice, I just need to vent. It would be helpful If I could hear from someone else that Is going through or has gone through what I am going through. Do I keep trying or do I let her go and let her get a full dose of reality because basically she was sheltered all of her life, Not my doing.
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Comments
Stop trying. She is an adult
Stop trying. She is an adult and making the adult decision to not have a relationship with you. Oblige her request by not having a relationship with her. No more chatting, no more home cooked meals, no more trips, no more shopping - nothing. Treat her like a roommate by being cordial and acknowledging her existence, but nothing else.
My question is why is the 27 year old living with you and what is her plan for getting out on her own? I'll admit that I boomeranged back after my divorce, but I had a two year plan to pay down debt and save to buy a house (which I did). Is there any sort of plan in place for her to do the same?
Let her go. Hon, for YOUR
Let her go. Hon, for YOUR peace of mind, YOU need to move on. This has been going on for MANY years. You have tried and tried to no avail. Concentrate on you, your DH, and your mutual children and consider your SD a lost cause.
BTW, why on earth is a 27yo still living at home?? She should have been on her own for several years already.
It's about time she moved
It's about time she moved out.
Listen to these posters
Listen to these posters wisdom.
Disengage, and work with her father on the launch plan. At 27 she needs to be independent.
Why is this 27 year old
Why is this 27 year old living with you?
Good Morning everyone. I
Good Morning everyone. I thank you all for your responses to my post. I am working on a plan to get her out. The relationship is definitely changed between she and I. Like I said in my post. I will be cordial, I will not go out of my way for her. I will let her do the work if that is what she wants. It will never be ONLY me, NEVER AGAIN! You are all absolutely correct, she has to go. Thank you so much for your help.
I also have a few
I also have a few questions.
1. Did you start seeing her father while he was still married to her mother?
2. Why is she still living at home at 27 yo?
It honestly sounds like she is practicing disengagement with you. She may have her reasons. She may not like you much if you did break up her parent's marriage (or she perceives you did). I don't really get why someone of her age would still be living at home, but perhaps there is some underlying disability or disorder that factors in to her behavior with you?
In the end, you can't force someone to like you.. or engage with you. I would continue to be cordial with her but don't hold out expectations for a closeness that may not ever happen (for whatever reason). It doesn't sound like she is actively doing things against you or to harm your relationship with your husband, so maybe giving up on the happy blended family fantasy and let reality be your guide might be less hurtful to you in the end.
Hey ESMOD, 1. He was never
Hey ESMOD,
1. He was never married to her mother.
2. She currently is out of work and probably can't afford to live on her own.
I have decided not to get close to her ever again. I decided that I will just be cordial and watch my back so I don't get stabbed again.
That sounds like the best
That sounds like the best strategy. No sense being hostile in your own home.. but no sense in putting yourself out there to be slammed either.
Wow...I do wish you would
Wow...I do wish you would elaborate on why she's still living at home at her age. Doesn't her father see that as a problem all by itself? Unless there are some serious extenuating circumstances, she should be a self-sufficient adult in her own home with her own life.
I'm with many of the other posters. It's time to make life in YOUR home a little less comfortable.
Update on at my wits end
Ok ladies.....its been a long hard road, but she is gone finally. Here are some answers to some of the questions that were asked.
He was never married to her mother.
There was no real reason why she couldn't move out on her own except she didn't want to get an apartment, she wanted to buy a condo, but didn't know know how to get it or it would take several years or she was just scared to be on her own, who knows.
Anyway back to my new life. After she got kicked out of the house several times since my first post. My husband finally saw the light and kicked her out for the final time and made it permanent. She needs to grow up and find her own way. She has been disrespectful to both him and I. She is unbelievably ungrateful and I truly, truly never want to have anything to do with her ever again! I can now live in peace. Thank God.
The only thing left for me to do on this blog is give advice. Thank you all for your support.