Equine Therapy

I had quite a bit of advice about equine therapy in previous blog posts and I wanted to let everyone know that at least at first it did work quite well. SD is SD, so things went south quickly. But I can see how it could be successful. There’s a great equine therapy program about 30 minute drive from us and I was very impressed with everyone who worked there and their facility and they were fantastic with SD.

SD had never been around horses before and wasn’t sure what equine therapy was, so she was incredibly hesitant to go. Once she got there, she absolutely fell in love with the horse she was riding. She was far more interesting in grooming him and feeding him than riding and she mainly walked him around.

So for one session, I thought the equine therapy was going to work.

One of the staff members said SD could come over on Saturday morning and help feed the horses and groom them. SD was actually excited about going and wouldn’t stop talking about the horses.

DH is always looking for anything he can use for leverage and SD very rarely ever says she wants to do anything. So of course he had to go and try to use the horse thing as leverage which backfired as usual.

All DH said to her was that they would go to the horse facility as soon as SD took her meds, took a shower, brushed her teeth and hair and got dressed. Very simple, right? But of course, there was a big argument, SD refused to do any of it and then refused to go to her equine therapy on Monday. Apparently now she hates horses.

Part of me wants to kick DH for going and ruining this, but he’s desperate for some way to get SD to do what she’s told. SD likely will go back to the Special Ed Program in a few weeks and last year it didn’t go that well. SD frequently refuses to go to school, in part because she’s being teased pretty badly. One of the main reasons she gets teased is because of her hygiene issues. It’s hard for DH to complain to the school that SD is being teased because other kids are being distracted from their work because of the overwhelming stench coming from her. She also hasn’t been to the dentist in over a year and we know she’ll have to have dental work. I don’t know how that will possibly go. So DH is desperate to find anything SD wants to use as leverage.

The fundamental issue is DH can’t make SD do anything. The school counselor thinks DH can just talk to SD and make her bathe and this is next to impossible. And SD acts like she doesn’t care what people think of her but then ends up crying constantly at school when classmates say mean things to her. Most of these classmates are other special needs students, so it doesn't go over very well with their parents.

SD is almost 16, and DH feels like he can’t toss her into the shower and make her bathe. Then there’s the issues with her period and he’s very uncomfortable dealing with that. During her hospitalizations, there's been various training over this issue and it's mainly a sensory processing issue which there really isn't any solution for. Usually teens with sensory issues overcome the sensory issues so they fit in. SD hasn't had that break through yet. If SD had friends at school and it wasn't such as terrible experience for her there, then mornings would be so much less stressful. But there's no way the way SD is now that she does anything other than make school more difficult for herself.

Her therapists also says long lists of tasks overwhelm SD, but there isn’t just one personal hygiene thing she needs to do. There is a long list. And DH says if he’s going to drive 60 minutes round trip for SD to feed horses, then she’s going to need to do more than just brush her teeth.

I'm dreading dealing with all the problems with school again and it would have been nice to have the equine therapy at least worked out since with all the money spent nothing else is working. But I do appreciate the suggestion and I can see how it could have worked out.

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I would see if your husband

I would see if your husband and you can chat with SD's therapist to try to get your husband onboard with letting sd do the equine therapy without conditions attached.

Your husband can open the car window and put up with her smell and the horses won't mind what she smells like. It would be sad to give up on it after just one session.

The problem is SD now says

The problem is SD now says she doesn't want to do the equine therapy. We had to pay for the appointment on Monday since we didn't cancel in time. I had to take her to that and she wouldn't get in the car. There wasn't any conditions.

But did DH ever apologize

But did DH ever apologize about taking it away in the first place? Ask her current therapist or the equine therapist if they would be willing to talk to SD. Maybe they can help convince her to start again.

He didn't really take it

He didn't really take it away. He told her she could go if she did certain things (that honestly, are expected of someone before they leave the house) and she refused to do those things. It's her fault she didn't go, but she spins it as she didn't want to go anyway.

I'll talk to her therapist and see if SD can be convinced to go back to equine therapy. She gets into these conflicts with her dad and that fight becomes more important than anything else.

Right, but for someone with

Right, but for someone with mental issues like your SD has, that distinction is irrelevant. I guess I'm of the opinion that you and your DH have to decide what's more important - a single day's hygiene battle that you already are losing, or the potential of a therapy that could have helped change that.

I agree with this. While I

I agree with this. While I know your DH is desperate for something to work, no therapy is instant. If he keeps turning her off to the things that are potentially going to work because he's impatient, then he will NEVER be able to get SD help.

Interest in grooming the horses could have been a fantastic segue into caring for SD's own hygiene. Horses can get all sorts of diseases if they aren't cared for properly and the therapist should be able to turn that around in SD.

I strongly urge you to see if you can get as interested again with a promise from DH that equine therapy will NOT be used as a punishment.

As a horse owner, riding

As a horse owner, riding instructor and a therapy volunteer I'm all sorts of biased.

That said, speak with someone at the program. A lot of times the workers and volunteers are owners and/or riders themselves and may be open to something a little less structured to get SD back on board.
If you can approach things as simply spending time at the barn rather than a structured session or something she "has" to do, you may regain her interest.
Of course that will depend entirely on what type of program you're working with and the type of facility they're working out of but a casual drop in grooming session may help with SD if they have the ability to accommodate that.
Pony bonding is the best.
If you can get her back on board those huge fragile animals can open the door to all sorts of things - hygiene included.

This is my industry:

This is my industry: equine-assisted therapy/therapeutic horseback riding. www.pathintl.org

Sorry to hear that DH is struggling so hard with SD. I read his list of "to-do's" for SD which to him is the bare minimal "activities-of-daily-living.' A 5+ step process which sounds simple but when broken down is actually fairly complex for some folks. I thought it was a bit beyond her ability at this time, so I kinda understood her "quit." Hope DH finds the skills that he needs to help SD launch and flourish.

You can always PM me if you have questions or if I can help in any way.

My sister has been a

My sister has been a therapeutic riding instructor for over 20 years. She will not let parents use going to riding therapy as a reward for good behavior, or not going as a punishment for bad behavior. It changes the whole dynamic of the experience.

DH needs to view equine therapy just like speech or physical or any other kind of therapy. He probably wouldn't refuse to take SD to the psychologist because she wouldn't do something - he needs to treat equine therapy the same way. Even though it may appear that SD is just "playing" with the horses, all interaction can be therapeutic in some way.

I know you are in a tough position and I admire the way you handle it. Is there any way you could get DH to step out of this particular power play and have him encourage SD to try equine therapy again? Like any therapy, it may take several sessions before any results are seen.

This was taking her to

This was taking her to something outside of the regular session. They allow volunteers to come help with the horses and there was a training session for volunteers which I'm not sure SD really could do without help from someone else or her dad.

He doesn't usually do this for therapy sessions but it's so rare for SD to be excited about anything and he's so stressed over how to get her to do what she has to do to get ready for school he saw it as an opportunity.

Therapy is not a tool for

Therapy is not a tool for compliance. It is there to help the child/ teen/ insert correct terminilogy adjust to what they need in life. I'd urge you to talk to your husband and ask him not to use therapy as a weapon or reward. For this child's sake it is critical to her very life.

These kinds of posts just

These kinds of posts just break my heart. A kid who has some problems, made worse by controlling and bullying parents, and another parental figure in the background just blaming the kid for existing.

We do not have to agree with one another to be kind or respectful. Even the most stupid, smelly SD in the world can learn that, if only someone around her would model it.

I can not begin to imagine

I can not begin to imagine your DH's frustration with SD and totally understand why he did what he did, but I hope he realizes now that this was a mistake. Equine therapy is just that, THERAPY. While to us, it might seem like a fun day down on the farm, it's so much more than that to a kid like SD.

I honestly don't think your DH was being a bully or being controlling, I think he thought he finally had that proverbial carrot to dangle to give SD some motivation to do the normal every day things, that most people don't even think about. Your DH is not a therapist, he's most likely an extremely frustrated man who is just trying to do his best with what he has been given.

DaizyDuke, what you said: I

DaizyDuke, what you said:

TBH, I think both are true. I don't think he's a cruel guy, I think he is absolutely lost about how to parent this child. The result is bad all around.

But, I grew up with such a dad, and it's my experience that bullying is often in the eyes of the beholder. A parent who lacks insight into his kid, who uses punishment to motivate, and who refuses to modify or even reflect upon his own behaviour - it's hard to be that kid, totally dependent on someone who totally rejects him/her. Kids take this to heart, and think it's about them, because they are kids. An adult could evaluate the truthfulness of what he or she is told is true about themselves, an adult could leave an untenable situation, and an adult could understand that someone else is just behaving badly because they don't know better.

For kids, it's just being bullied. No place is safe, not school, not home, not therapy.

He is so frustrated. School

He is so frustrated. School counsellors and therapists tell him to just use rewards or consequences and it doesn't work with SD. She's not motivated to do anything. She went from bouncing up and down she was so excited about going to see the horses to a major tantrum and rolling around on the floor kicking and screaming and refusing to go. And DH can't deal with that. He thinks it's pathetic that any 15 year old can act like that.

It would be pathetic for a

It would be pathetic for a NORMAL 15 year old kick, scream, and roll around on the floor. Your SD has so many issues, though, that her behavior probably does fall into the area of normal on her scale of normalcy. I wish I had words of wisdom or advice for you. Your situation sounds next to impossible to resolve unless SD wants to actually put in some effort, and your DH is willing to put in some sweat equity on raising his child.

I honestly think that right

I honestly think that right now "rewards and consequences" only will work if there is an underlying foundation of trust.

I do think him trying to latch on quickly to the EQ therapy as a consequence gave his daughter an untenable choice. She doesn't necessarily trust him to give her the reward and his ask may be so overwhelming that it just short circuits her entire being and you end up with that melt down.

I think that you DH has maybe pretty high expectations of compliance and it doesn't seem like your SD is able to meet him on those just yet. I think the steps need to be smaller and less daunting.

Right now, she has the upper hand. She has the "crazy" non negotiable illogical response. There is no carrot big enough to overcome that yet.

In reality if she had done "that" then would he really have given her the goal.. or would he have followed up with another ask?

In the past year SD has

In the past year SD has figured out she doesn't have to do anything. It started at school and she became ok with failing, getting in trouble with teachers for not doing homework and then at home she just gave up doing anything DH or I said. Most kids would be upset if their parent was as angry with them as DH is with her but that's become normal.

Especially counselors at school keep telling DH that all he needs to do is take SDs electronics away and that's the key to get her to do homework or bathe or whatever. They act like DH is clueless that there's this simple way to magically get teenage girls to immediately comply. If it was that easy. DH told SD when she was 12 she could have a cellphone as long as she had a B average. She never has so she's never gotten a phone. Earlier this year DH wanted to get her one so he would have the ability to take it away but SD knew that and says she didn't want it. she refuses to try to cooperate or accept that there is any sort of cause and affect to her actions.

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