Preparing for the worst case scenario..maybe premature?
Hi all! Longtime lurker here. Here is the Cliff notes version: Been married to DH 13 yrs, have 16 y/o sd and 2 biokids ages 10 and 4. DH had the standard divorce decree, EOW, holidays alternated, etc.
So when sd was 11 she wanted to come live with us since her and her stepdad didnt get along (TM). Dh was concerned about being played one off the other but BM said she would OK it as long as she didnt have to pay CS. We presented sd with a list of rules and chores and let her know
That it is not all fun and games here at dad's house, and she says she understands. So it was done that way through the courts with DH being named primary custodial and BM being NCP.
Things rock along OK for for a while. Then around 13 yrs old sd starts to test boundaries. Ok, what teen doesnt? DH is good about lining sd out. But it became such that we needed to install house cameras because she would sneak people in while we were at work. She was caught by us trying to buy weed from this guy to impress one of her friends. She snuck Ritalin into the house in her backpack that she left on the floor but I found it, thank god not the 2 year old who was into everything. DH called the ritalin girls mother who blamed sd and said it was sd's Ritalin. Sd was shocked that her friend threw the blame on her.She would leave her flat iron on and plugged in and our 2 year old stepped on it and burned his foot. I was livid and threw the thing out because I had told her time after time to put it away properly. She left bloody underwear on her floor even though I instructed her on soaking/stain treatment and laundering of her underwear. She would leave bloody pads in plain sight in the trash instead of discreetly wrapping them in toilet paper and the bathroom would smell of blood. We would catch her texting/sexting people on her phone. Took the phone away, but she would come up with other phones/tablets which we would find and confiscate. She stole my nephews laptop to email a guy to meet her at my MIL's garage to have sex. Nephew told DH about it, and we let the boys mom know. The boy told his mom that sd was pushing for it and he declined. Sd was shocked when we told her how the boy threw her under the bus. We had talk after talk with her regarding self esteem, peer pressure and the like. She would act like she understood, but then go on to some other episode.
It seemed that if she would focus her energy on doing right instead of trying to get around the rules things would be ok. She didnt miss school, DH saw to that. She makes good grades, honors classes, etc. She eventually seemed to be on a good path. We did girls night out, family nights, got her ready for prom, enrolled her in drivers ed, etc.
Last summer we discovered that after school she would go over to a boy's house behind our house to have sex. I contacted the homeowner to let them know what was going on and she was appreciative and said she would take care of it. When confronted, sd said she didnt know why she did it, but she loved the boy and wanted to continue seeing him.
This boyfriend was a controlling ass, but we couldnt get her to see this. BM actually sided with us on this point. Around this time sd started having trouble with her stepdad again. Being lazy, disrespectful, telling him "youre not my dad" etc. You know the drill.
I was getting in the crosshairs too. For example she posted a pic of her dirty laundry on the floor with the quote "i dislike my stepmom sometimes " all because I told her she needed to clean her room. I was like wtf? After all I have done for you? Protected you and treated you like my own?? I guess its ok to be part of the family only when it is convenient for you, sd.
Around this time I read about disengagement from this site and decided to quietly implement it. I tended to my 2 biokids and referred sd to her dad anytime she needed something. This naturally turned into "sm doesnt include me" and dh buying it. I simply explained that i am not her mom, so perhaps mom needs to be more involved instead of ignoring sd and putting the blame on stepdad. Or else DH could see to it she got the things she needed, tampons etc. Oh yes, it was much smoother when good old sm took care of things. But when it came to enforcing rules I was "too hard" so I disengaged.
Soo, this summer DH allowed sd to spend the whole summer with her mom because mom split from stepdad and mom was going to take sd driving so she could get hours toward her drivers license. So far BM has not assisted sd with obtaining her driving hours. Come to find out BM had a change of heart about sd's controlling ass bf and welcomed him and sd along to her(bm's) new bf's house 5 hours away. Bm is not divorced and left her 2 other kids with stepdad/her dh. We heard from a reliable source that sd is planning on staying with bm and her new bf. (Sd's controlling ass bf is going into the military at the end of the month)
Sd and bm have been ignoring DH's calls and texts to touch base. He has a feeling BM will enroll sd in school at Bf Town and just continue to ignore DH. Per CO sd is due back July 31.
I guess the worry is that BM and sd will ignore DH and try to move on in Bf Town. I know it is Sunday and lawyers offices are closed and DH needs to speak with a lawyer proactively in the event the worst happens, I get that. But in the interim I was wondering if any of you have had a similiar experience? We are in Tx. Most of the forums I have read show lack of law enforcement support in these types of cases and pretty much say file contempt charges if not back by July 31. BM hasnt pulled anything before but stepdad was always there. This new Bf may try to be a hero or something.
Of course nothing happens then I will feel dumb for wasting everyones time, but the spidey sense is strong on this one.
Please excuse any typos or wall of words, I am on my phone and this format is difficult to read. Thanks to all!!
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Comments
Oh yes, I wholeheartedly
Oh yes, I wholeheartedly agree with you. No way no how would she have agreed to change custody if she had to pay CS. BM would file for CS in a heartbeat, nevermind the 5 years she was off the hook.
Thats what we are thinking
Thats what we are thinking worst case scenario. At 16 a judge may let sd decide to live with BM, stranger things have happened. But BM is the type to file a year from now (if not sooner) saying she needs CS anyway. I dont know how it all works, but will definitely be consulting with an attorney this week. Thank you!!
Agreeing to no CS is not
Agreeing to no CS is not binding. Parents can't do that. It is not in the best interests of the child no receive no support from the bios. DH can get CS whenever he wants, but it will not be retroactive. Judges view no CS agreements as "selling" the kids.
Well, you're in a pickle.
Well, you're in a pickle. Because dad is the custodial parent he can block bm from enrolling this girl in school in the other town. But I know from experience you then risk the daughter simply dropping out of school, being under bm's lousy influence anyway.
Then there's the thought that perhaps if she starts a new school she may have a chance at actually doing better, not running with the old crowd. So perhaps let her?
Ultimately, at 16 it is very, very difficult to fight a bm who suddenly takes an interest. I know the instinct is to fight for and do what's "right" by the girl but the facts are it may become a wasted nightmare.
My dh tried very hard at this age. He thinks it was a waste. I don't think so but I may be wrong. Anyway, he more or less "gave up" on her grades/behavior at the end of that year. She was just hell bent to skip school, get Fs, and be lousy and her bm found it fun to enable these behaviors after years of gross emotional detachment from her. SD thinks bm is the hero and the best dad in the world she is full of resentment at.
We did not figure out a good answer. At 16 the consequences for every move you make can be very heavy and results are not what you are expecting.
Yikes, I didn't consider the
Yikes, I didn't consider the possibility of her dropping out. Sigh. You are right, this is something DH has to weigh very carefully. Dh feels that a judge wouldn't change custody for BM who is living with a man she had known for 3 months, but what if it happens? You never know. Thank you, Chief! I appreciate the feedback.
Sounds like my life
Sounds like my life lol.....
Now, stay disengaged, tell DH if SD wants to live with BM sign over the documents, but make it clear, you are not going to pay CS... BM played that card and paid no CS for the years SD lived with you, she's going to stay the same amount of years with BM now, it's only fair. (I know people will crucify me for this)
Then Dh needs to make it very clear to SD, if she and new SF does not get along, she's not going to move back. She must think now carefully and live with that decision for the rest of her life...
My lovely SD also played this game and first time she came running back to us, I made it very clear to SO, if she leaves again it will be for good. You have to teach your kids to live with their decisions. They can't keep on running away from difficult positions. Well 2 months ago my dearest lovely well behaved Aergia ran to BM again.
Friday night when I went over to the house, she was there... I simply ignored her, and I over heard her and SO talking... she had the I'm so sorry voice and shoulders hanging thing going on, telling SO how much she loves him and miss him and the dogs, and her cat, and she would so much like to come back living with him... My heart stopped... SO kept doing what he was doing and told her... I love you as well and I miss you as well, but I made it clear if you move to BM again, you can not come back. The house is nice and peaceful and clean, you have not apologized to Acra yet and you will have to talk to her about moving back, even if she's not living here, it's her house as well...
Aergia immediately started swearing and screaming at him... and he told her to leave... yeah little witch Daddy is not falling for your manipulation crap any more... she left, I simply went out.. bitch that I am with 3 hot chocolates saying.. Here Hon and here's Aergia's as well... where is she... what she left without saying good bey...
yeah I pretended I heard nothing
}:)
You are my idol, chica. I
You are my idol, chica. I just wish I had that much sangroid to waltz out with the cocoas. I just wish!
Chief - I only made 3 cause I
Chief - I only made 3 cause I knew she left lol..... if she was still there I never even would've made one for SO and I definitely would not go out to him
I can play the game as well.. it was pure evilness and manipulation from my side, I know it and well proud of it lol...
I showed SO there's not hard feelings towards his daughter, dang I actually made her something... I showed clearly I'm willing to try again.. and he fell for it hook line and zinker..
but karma's a bitch it will back fire on me lol... I'm preparing for that day
Wow Acra, your sd is
Wow Acra, your sd is something else! I like what you did with the 3 hot chocolates!
Your SD is 16. She is old
Your SD is 16. She is old enough where the courts will allow her to choose which parent she would rather live with, so I think you're beat on this one. Hopefully CS won't play into this, and yes, do what you can to get out of it, but worst case scenario its only two years, so its nothing to go crazy over.
Flipflopping in the teen years to live with the more permissive parent is extremely common. The way this looks to SD is BM lets her date the BF, and you won't. She is basically an adult and doesn't like having her life controlled, so she will go with the parent who doesn't control it.
No, its probably not the best thing for SD, but again, she's basically an adult at this point, the bread has been baked. BM can't screw her up that badly now that she's grown, 16 year olds don't need much raising. They need to be made ready to be ushered out of the nest, which is not a pleasant thing. And at least this way SD's failure to launch or any disharmony it causes will be BM's problem, and not yours.
Very true, it is most likely
Very true, it is most likely going to be a losing battle. It is frustrating that DH will end up funding this by way of CS. BM doesnt work, nor sd. And I have a feeling BM's current DH isnt going to let her off the hook for their 2 kids.
You are living the live that
You are living the live that I had 10-15 years ago. I too was married with a SD. She was 5 when we married and she and I bonded instantly. At 10 her BM dumped her off and said she couldn't do it anymore. my DH got full custody. Things were great for a few years and then, like your SD, puberty hit. She started sneaking out of school and meeting up with her BF in his sisters car when she was in 6th-7th grade. Smoking, lying and saying she was staying all night at her best friends house and finding out she was sleeping with her boyfriend who lived right behind her best friend. She was sexually active at 12. She would go stay with her BM, out of state, for holidays. BM let SD12 bring her Boyfriend on the visit and let them sleep together where SD lost her virginity. All visits with BM stopped after that.
SD would look you straight in the face a lie to you. We would try to talk to parents of her friends to confirm everything was going to be as she said, they would lie for her. It was horrible. She finally got back in touch with her BM at 17 and ended up running away because BM promised her a car, her own apartment and freedom.
We talked to an attorney about fighting it but was told don't bother. By the time it actually goes in front of a judge, SD would have been 18 and able to decide.
SD did end up coming back to town immediately after she graduated HS because she realized her mom was nuts. That lasted until 2 years ago, SD now 27, has again let BM back into her life because BM is paying SD's bills to make up for her crappy parenting.
I, however, divorced my XH when SD was 17 and have not looked back. I was considered Grandma to SD's son for the first two years, at least until BM came back into the picture. Then I was tossed aside like the trash.
Get off the roller coaster of your SD's ride. Let her go back to BM if she wants because you will only waste money trying to stop it. She will eventually come back around but I beg you to disengage. Things will never be the same between you. I wish I had disengaged much sooner.
That is eerie how our step
That is eerie how our step lives parallel. I have a feeling when DH talks to the lawyer the advice will be the same as yours was. I will keep you all updated. Thanks!