Hi there, this is my first time writing in a chat group of any kind, so bear with me...it's long...I have a lot to say. I am a new stepmom to a 16-year-old sd, in an LGBT marriage. My wife and I met two years ago, when my sd was 14. Our relationship moved quickly and we were married in under a year.

Early on, my sd was friendly to me and was open to getting to know me and me getting to know her. When I moved in, I was under the impression she was on board with this change, but over time she began withdrawing into her room more and more. I expressed concerns to her bm who at the time wrote it off as moody teenager. Last summer was a rough, emotionally charged summer. My sd spent 2 weeks with her bd and came back wanting to spend the weekdays with him and only returning home to be with us on the weekends. Many arguments ensued and we learned that bd had arranged for sd to see a counselor. Now normally I would be totally on board with counseling, however, he does not have any legal right to make any parenting decisions and 4 months had passed without us knowing this was occurring. My sd was extremely moody with myself and my wife and was even more so when it was just myself and my sd. By the end of the summer we had started to make headway, understanding that our relationship and how fast everything had occurred was very upsetting to her. Whether it was unspoken or assumed, my sd, was living with the hope that my wife would not enter into another relationship and it would just be the two of them. We discussed this as a family and my sd said she needed more 1:1 time with her bm. I thought that was great and encouraged it! I was over the moon ecstatic that we were talking, addressing issues and that my wife (not a touchy-feely person) was supporting my sd in opening up and creating special time.

Throughout the schoolyear we had our ups and downs as expected, but by the end of the academic year, I could feel we were headed into a very similar direction, however most of the withdraw and apathy/isolation was directed at me. I have raised this issues with my wife who sees it…sometimes… but overall, she defends my sd with comments like, “but she was nice to you this evening”, as if that makes the roller coaster I am on any less uncomfortable. My wife has made tremendous strides to engage with her daughter. She works nights on a varying schedule, so when she is not working, she makes it a priority to spend time with her daughter. They have day long trips to the lake, go swimming, and even spent a week camping just the two of them. When I come home from work myself, I watch my sd go back in her shell and withdraw. It becomes my job to draw her out and to try and help her to relax and enjoy our time together as a family. I ask her questions about her day, what she’s up to, etc. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t and if it’s a night that my wife is working, she will stay in the living room until my wife leaves and then she retreats to her bedroom, not to be seen again.

I am struggling with MANY things at this point! I have resentment and anger and jealousy and then shame because I have resentment and anger and jealousy. I am exhausted with the roller coaster. I have this growing bundle of anxiety in my stomach every time I pull in the driveway. My sd does not really want me around and is struggling to cope with my permanence in her life. She wants/needs to be the center of attention and when she has to share it with me, she retreats…so it becomes some sort of power struggle for time and attention, which feels gross. I feel lonely, and like the odd man out…I see things like my wedding day overshadowed by comments from my sd like “this day is all about me”. I have had virtually no alone time with my wife in several weeks, so it’s all a daily thing, with no break. I resent the push/pull that my sd has on both of us, but especially me . Like many other step parents on this site, I struggle with the division of responsibilities. My sd has no chores and is very messy. When she wants something she gets it…new camera that will sit on the bedroom floor to be broken before use, pick your color… trip to Ireland, we’ll figure it out…new pants because you have “lost” all your clothes, sure, let’s go shopping…but when it’s time to clean the house, I am not being fair, by asking her to clean the bathroom she uses, because it’s gross. I have asked for chores and my wife says, fine, then make her do chores…we decided she will be responsible for taking out the trash…but my wife will not enforce it.

Finally, if you’re still reading, this is the one I have the greatest concern for… I see a co-dependency between both of them that makes me concerned about their ability to separate from one another in the future…our plan for the last year has been that when sd graduates from high school and goes to college, that we will hit the road and travel/work. It took me a little time to come around to the idea of giving up my career to travel, but then I got really excited about it. Last year, in the height of teenage drama, my wife threw in the towel and said, “why wait, if she wants to live with bd, let her…let’s move to Alaska”. Once again, it took me a minute to get on board, then I was excited…I started looking for work and within 2 weeks she had a 2nd interview scheduled. Then on the eve of the interview, my sd talked to my wife and asked us to please not go…and just like that, it was over…my wife cancelled the job interview and we were back to staying put for 2 more years. Recently, my sd asked my wife if we were REALLY going to leave when she graduates. When my wife shared the story with me, I could sense her renegotiating our plans in her mind…without me…and completely in response to the mood/whim of our sd. I feel like an afterthought in however they wish to arrange their lives. I worry about whether we are providing her with the life skills to live and work independently, I worry about if she is developing the interpersonal skills to live away from her mother and I worry about the pull that has on our future plans. I am open to changing plans, but I want to be included in the decision making. When my wife told me about her dream to travel/work, it came as a statement…just to be clear, I have been waiting since she was born to do this…I am going. Upon initial introduction of this, I chose not to fight the battle of us making decisions as a team… but now it feels like the messaging is “if she stays back and goes to a community college and wants me to stay, she just needs to know, I am going to Alaska for the summer” and again, it is dictated by what my sd wants and I am not included in the picture. I see my wife trying to have a great relationship with her daughter, but her daughter is calling all the shots…I feel like I am expected to go along with the flow wherever it may lead and I have no input or control in the destiny…and I have to do this with grace and joy.
Please help!