Hypothetically speaking... letting skids back into my life
Because this has been on my mind a lot. Well it's kind of always on my mind, like the elephant in the room.
This post doesn't have to do with SS because our relationship is fine or MSD because she tried to fight me so that relationship is dead and DH agrees that she crossed the line.
YSD18 stopped coming over when she was probably 13/14 years it. It was shortly after DH and I moved in together.
Part of it was that she stopped coming over because I told DH that MSD couldn't come over anymore because she was stealing/lying, etc. so DH started visitation for BOTH outside the home. (both minors at the time). During that time YSD decided she hated me and didn't want to come over anyways and much preferred DH taking her to the movies, out to eat, shopping. Whatever. I did have issues when YSD was coming over because she would go back and tell BM everything that happened at our house and then would come the calls/texts from BM (and OSD) about how I didn't do X, Y , Z. It was exhausting. DH also wouldn't correct YSD or parent her. I did tell him if he didn't parent her (and MSD) that we would have to break up because I could not handle it.
OSD24 had just graduated HS when I came into the picture. For the first year she was never around. I met her all of 5 minutes. Then Potato Gate happened, she hated me, I hated her blah blah blah. We had some words and tried to "work it out" and it was that both of us were very strong headed. She got pregnant and moved out of state. She didn't invite DH to her wedding. After she had her first kid I decided to make an effort. DH's first grand kid, let me try to amend this relationship for DH's sake. So over a course of a couple of years I would send her kids (she ended up having another one) birthday gifts, X-mas gifts, etc. and never get a Thank You. If she was in town I would invite her and family over for dinner and she would say she would come and then just never show up. I would tolerate her and she would tolerate me and it "worked".
Then the big fight with MSD happened and OSD (who was now living back in our state) got involved and trashed me, etc. She was really nasty about me. I STILL tried to be nice and invited her and her family over for X-mas Eve. Prepared a nice meal, etc. Only to find out she was out of state. So she told me Yes we will be there. I said Okay- please let me know if anything changes as I wasn't planning a big meal otherwise. No show.
So after that I just stopped trying with her. I haven't reached out to her, nor have I even seen her this whole time. That was X-Mas 2015.
Since that time she has managed to be arrested twice for theft. Her DH and her has been accused of stealing from family members. Overall she's been involved in A LOT of shady stuff.
****
So here are some of my issues. Overall I am fine with them not being in my life. But at times it would be easier for all of us to get along. I mean if that could work out that would be GREAT obviously. It's not like I want to have a problem with the skids. While I can't change other people's opinions I am tired of family/friends (of DH's) thinking of the evil SM.
DH wavers back and forth. He says he is fine with how things are. But then sometimes it gets brought up about his kids should be allowed over. We (me, I do all the hosting, he's just "there") host my family a lot. So I can understand how he feels. But then again my family has never been disrespectful to DH.
Some of the obstacles of this working out:
The skids are who they are. They most likely aren't changing. They have been raised to be the way they are. While my issues with YSD I can overlook more, OSD is a criminal. Her lifestyle is very unsavory and I don't feel comfortable opening my home, my life or my BS to that.
DH wants all the benefits but he does not want to do any of the work. He is still the same crappy parent that he was when this all initially blew up.(I blame him for a large part of the problems because he wouldn't parent, set boundaries, etc.) He doesn't want to parent the skids. Even less now because as he says "They are adults now".
So I have a hard time trusting that DH will do the right things for our marriage if it came down to it. I'm afraid that he will do the same things that almost ended our marriage before. Basically ignoring any concerns that I bring to him and dismissing how I feel.
DH is also under the impression that YSD and OSD hasn't actually done anything to me, so I should be the one to reach out and make amends. My thought process on this- I'm the one who should reach out to YSD and OSD and apologize for them treating me like crap and then invite them back into my home and life????
I think DH forgets about the chaos that the skids bring. I don't think he realizes the can of worms he is opening if I let the guard down. DH is thinking it's going to be nice to have skids/gskids over for cookouts and holidays, etc. I am 100% sure that it won't end at just that. Once they have their foot in the door it's going to be constant drama and calls, texts, needs, wants, "it's for the gkids", etc. I already see it now. I can only imagine if I open up more and give them "access" to our home.
I try to explain to DH, I don't love his kids. I don't really know them. 80% of my interactions with them have been negative. So it's hard to go from them not being around at all right now (And speaking for myself I am 100000% okay with that) to welcoming them back into my life.
Also I am not sure if I want to go through re-engaging and if I could handle the issues again. Not sure if it would be easier or harder to go through it all again.
So in an unrealistic world if everything worked out- then great! Everyone could just get along. It would be a stress off of me and a stress off of DH. I wouldn't have to wonder if he secretly resents me (though I have asked plenty of times and he always says no).
What do you guys see as the pros/cons?
Thanks and sorry so long!
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I'm copying and pasting my PM
I'm copying and pasting my PM to you because I want to see what others think.... am I nuts here?? Maybe?? Because I too, flip flop between wanting to make it work and wanting to throw up my hands.
Ok here goes.
So my DH feels the same way about SD and SS (that I am not warranted in not liking them) and that the stupid shit they have done over the years is fairly normal teenage shit. Is he right? Yeah, for the most part. If I look at the glass half full, I can say that both skids are always very respectful... never raise their voices or cuss or talk back. They say please and thank you and try to act decent. Neither has gotten knocked up, or knocked someone else up (yet) In todays day and age with the mouthy/ nasty heathens that I see at work, I count that as a HUGE plus for them. Sure SD stole from me.. most teenage girls do this crap. Sure SD lies constantly....this is how she was raised by GBM/BM. Sure SS smokes dope and skips school.. but that's what BM2 has allowed. I do have to agree with DH to an extent that a lot of their problems are really NOT 100% their fault. But ALL of the nonsense that has occurred over the past 10 years that I have known DH, has really made me not like them. I don't HATE them (I really don't) I just don't care to be around them. But unfortunately because they are my husbands kids I really don't get the luxury of completely cutting them off. They will ALWAYS be around in the wings.. sometimes quiet, sometimes loud and annoying. I guess you have to take the good with the bad.. for better or worse right?
I tried to explain it to DH like this. Skids are like a hot stove. The first time you put your hand on the damn burner, you're like owwww, man that hurt! So after that, you are much more careful when you are around that stove. Until one day, you get busy or distracted and let your guard down and bam.. you get burned again. Holy shit that hurt, and I'm an idiot for letting that happen AGAIN! Well after the 10th fucking time that you get burned, you don't ever want to use that damn stove again! Only an idiot would go near it at this point!
I DO have to agree with your DH, that it is unfair that he pays 1/2 the bills and you are married. It is his home too and not fair that you are the doorkeeper so to speak. This is why I have never explicitly told DH that skids can not be at our house. That would have to be HIS decision, not mine, because it's his house too. I would be pissed if he told me that my mother was annoying and not allowed to come to our house. Kind of like DH smoking. I don't smoke. People will say OMG you "let him" smoke in your house. My answer is always, well it's his house too. With that being said, I really don't have to say "don't smoke in the house" because I think my DH respects that I DON'T tell him and he just smokes outside or in the garage 99% of the time.
I swear with men that if you tell them to do something (or not do something) there is some switch that gets flipped in their head. They hear the voices of all their little friends over the years telling them they are pussy whipped, and asking them who wears the pants in the family etc. and they just dig their heels in and say.. nope not gonna do it (or I'm doing it anyway). I'm pretty sure this is where your DH is at. You have told him that you don't want skids at your house, his family and friends are telling him that's bullshit and wrong and asking him why he is "letting" you tell him what he can and can not do. I also get that it really must be a tit bite for him that your son lives there and he plays nice with him (for the most part) while his own kids are not allowed there at all. Now with that being said, he's comparing koala bears to porcupines. But still I get his point.
I guess the BIG question is.... do the SKIDS even WANT this "reunification?"?? Or is this something DH is pining for? In your particular case, I feel that your DH is pining for this because he is lazy. It would be easier to have a relationship with his skids if you had an open door policy and they could pop in whenever they felt like it. Right now, having a relationship with skids is work for him. He has to make arrangements to meet them somewhere, pay for lunch, etc. I also feel like your DH is pining for a fairy tale relationship with them. Kind of like my DH. Oh the talk of SD coming for this 3 months. I had to hear about how she's matured so much, how she's doing soooo much better, blah blah blah. Easy to say when she's living 3 states away. But the reality is, not much has changed and DH is seeing that after ONE month of her being back. Which leads me to my suggestion (which I doubt you will like lol)
Talk with DH about letting them back in your home. But BABY steps. Make it clear to him this is not going to be some freaking free for all, where people are dropping in whenever and wherever. That he needs to respect you by letting you know when they are coming. Maybe you can plan to be there at first, give the civil hellos and small talk and then leave, or go busy yourself somewhere else in the house. You will hate every second of it, I promise... I hate every second of it when SD is at my house, but I love my DH more than I'm annoyed by SD... so I try to make it work. I think you feel the same about your DH. My guess is, your DH will tire of this or skids will act the fool and DH will be quickly reminded like a damn cannon ball to the face, why less is better. And SKIDS will be the "bad guys" not you.
Remember this is kind of what I did with SD. I went from trying to tell DH that she was at parties, with boys etc and DH thinking I was just the asshole tattle tale. To radio silence when it came to SD. And sure as shit within 6 months SHE was getting arrested, getting caught in lies etc and SHE was the asshole.
Ugh sorry this is so long and I hope it makes sense. HUGS!!!
I PM'd you back...LOL... I am
I PM'd you back...LOL... I am curious about the reunification part. I have never really thought about it like that. The skids are probably about as interested in having a relationship with me as I am with them. Everything being "okay" would give them easier access to DH. And DH can be lazy again in maintaining a relationship with them.
I did say to DH last night- well why can't you go over to OSD's house? Oh because you don't like her DH and don't want to be around him? That's okay but how I feel isn't okay?
But I honestly think DH wants me to just be okay with his kids coming back over whether they like me or not. I don't think he REALLY cares if we get along. I don't think that is his end result. I just think he wants to be able to have them over if he wants.
But I honestly think DH wants
But I honestly think DH wants me to just be okay with his kids coming back over whether they like me or not. I don't think he REALLY cares if we get along
that^^^ is not OK. and you need to make that clear IF you are on board with this "reunification". It is NOT OK for you to invite people into your home who refuse to treat you and your home with respect. If DH wants those girls to start coming over again, HE needs to make it clear that you WILL be treated with respect and if they don't like it or can't do it, then things can remain status quo.
Yes... I need to pose this
Yes... I need to pose this question to him. Anyone have any ideas????
I would flat out ask him...
I would flat out ask him... is this something SKIDS have said they wanted, or is this something that your DH wants? Because for this to work every single one of you has to be on the same page. It can't be Oh Zero, you need to set your grievances aside and take it up the ass while every else acts like miscreants. It needs to be a conversation between you and DH where you explain your boundaries and expectations. It needs to be a conversation between DH and his kids where he tells them the boundaries and expectations and that they will abide by these things.
I really, truly think that if you let this happen, the skids will end up digging their own graves. I mean look at the timing of this! Just a couple of weeks ago, BM booted OSD out of her apartment and OSD was calling DH asking for money AND she's back with the abusive husband so this is a train wreck waiting to happen. YSD is having a baby at any moment and has been asking for money from daddy for months now. The writing is on the wall. IF it is OSD and YSD who are hinting at this reunification thing, it's because they are setting the stage to have DH be their go to for money and crash pads when shit gets real. I'm pretty sure your DH will tire of this VERY quickly.
Daizy- I am sure it's not
Daizy- I am sure it's not coming from the skids. It's DH. And he only wants it because he thinks that is what is "right". Or because I shouldn't tell him who he can have over because damn it he lives here too!
And really I only "want it" to help my marriage with DH. He only "wants it" to help his relationship with his kids and so he doesn't like look an ass. The skids will only "want it" because they want easier and more access to Daddy's wallet }:)
You need to call him out on
You need to call him out on this then. If skids don't like you and don't want anything to do with you, why would they even WANT to come to your house to "hang out" with DH??? He is living in a fantasy world. And he's just being a lazy dick. He wants YOU to apologize and suck it up because that's the easiest thing for HIM. He wants YOU to open up your home to skids, because that makes HIS life easier.
It's like he just wants to sit on his throne of laziness and wave his scepter of stupidity around to make everyone say how hi when he says jump. That's bull shit. If HE wants this so bad, then HE needs to do some fucking work.
I am telling DH all of this!
I am telling DH all of this! Seriously! It's so spot on.
Yes! I told my DH this once.
Yes! I told my DH this once. He and MIL have a love hate relationship... mostly hate. MIL drives DH bonkers, he can only take her in small doses... and it's not like she's a horrible person, she is just annoying for the most part.
I asked DH once, how he would like it if I just up and decided all on my own that I was moving my mother in (and lets pretend that she acts like MIL)and I told him to "deal with it" because she's my mother and "it's part of the package" and he "knew what he was getting into" and other stupid, idiotic crap like that.
That would go over like a fart in church. But I'm supposed to do just that for skids??
LMAO! There was a time that
LMAO!
There was a time that the girl skids were super clingy and gross with DH. Hand holding, sitting on his lap, laying all over, just stuff at their age they shouldn't be doing. When my dad came to visit I thought to myself, if I wouldn't get grossed out and if my dad wouldn't think I was crazy I would TOTALLY do the same behavior to my dad as the girl skids do to him just so he could see how GROSS it is.
(Don't worry this isn't anything I even considered. But just thought if I did this with my own dad, DH would hopefully see how creepy it was.)
Here is an example of DH's
Here is an example of DH's solution to the skids coming over "We could just lock our bedroom door". This is his solution to their stealing problem. That is why I am on edge.
Oh my... Okay NO that is
Oh my... Okay NO that is unacceptable. He needs to step up and parent, which means if your children steal from your wife, you call the police and report it. That is NOT okay. I'd tell him he's more than welcome to have the kids back in his life, but I'll have no part in preparing for visits, entertaining them, or enabling them to steal from me, which means I WILL call the police.
I think I would feel better
I think I would feel better if he said to me "That happened a long time ago, they are adults now, but if it happens again I will handle it." Not "We'll just lock our bedroom door". To me that is saying that he thinks they are still capable of doing it and I'm supposed to be okay with people who steal coming into my home.
As far as I'm concerned, I
As far as I'm concerned, I should be able to leave my bedroom door wide open and a hundred dollars on the counter without having to worry about my SD stealing it. It's called respect and frankly, my DH would not want his own daughter over if she stole from our home. He does not excuse stupid shit like that. She.knows.better. So, for her to do it would be a direct slap in the face.
hereiam- that is how I feel.
hereiam- that is how I feel. My home is my safe place. I take a lot of pride in my home and creating good energy in it (or trying). I lock my front and back door from strangers. I should not have to lock my bedroom door because my skid has sticky fingers.
Man when MSD would steal from me it was mostly stuff to say FU. My favorite college sweatshirt (still not over that), necklace from MY dad and SM, sexy underwear.
TBH, I have a feeling his
TBH, I have a feeling his response was pretty typical "male pattern thinking".
You presented a problem in his mind.. so he solved it.
You: I am worried they will steal from us.
Him: We will lock our bedroom so they can't.
He doesn't even scratch below the surface of your worries and just gives you his most logical solution to how to prevent someone from stealing.
This makes sense.
This makes sense.
Zero - I will never allow
Zero - I will never allow Aergia back in my life, I don't care how much she changes and how remorseful she is.
I am sorry that shipped sail... and she's only 17....
but I also know this is SO's daughter, she will always be part of his life, no matter what until he cuts her off out o his own free will, yes he forgets what she did to me, I don't care....I remember....
Thus when the day comes where I live with SO again (currently highly undoubted) Aergia will be welcome, I am mature enough to tolerate her for a couple off hours, through dinner, but belief me bitch will not over night and camp out for days, she will get the hint and see it in my eyes and eff off after dinner
I definitely feel like I need
I definitely feel like I need to work on my maturity level when it comes to the skids. LOL. Problem with these skids is I can be a total bitch and they still won't get the hint. They have entitlement running through their veins.
they do get the hint, they
they do get the hint, they just pretend to ignore it.....
think about it, why do they keep on insisting you are a bitch... yes they do get the hint, thus become like a skid, pretend they do not bother you at all, be sarcastic friendly and bitchy with a big fat smile (smurk) on your face...
they will get it, DH will think you are friendly... play their game, you will relax and start enjoying it lol...
you will tell DH, oh lets invite them over for dinner, they will decline and DH will think they are the bitches cause you are so friendly and willing lol.....
time to change the game plan Hon, and a bit of the rules.... but you can not change the game...
That is the point I am at. I
That is the point I am at. I feel like I have been the one to reach out each time and make amends and now I am done. But I also feel like because time has passed and they are older and I have changed some, that maybe I owe 1 more chance for DH??? But damn it how is this even okay?
When I met my stepdad I was
When I met my stepdad I was 15 and quite the little biatch lol I made life HELL for him - coming and going at all hours of the night, bringing random people over to the house all the time, disobeying his rules about smoking in the house (which he paid half the rent with my mom for) and so on... Typical teenage shit but I didn't even think about it or care. He ended up kicking me out a year later, and when I turned 18, I apologized to him because I realized how awful it must have been. He actually told my mom he expected an apology letter from me BEFORE letting me back into his life... and I did it. We've had an awesome relationship ever since.
Skids can grow up and be better people, but they have to prove it... They have to understand that they've done wrong and demonstrate that they've grown, IMO. If I could do it at 18, anyone can do it well into their late teen years... It takes maturity that a lot of skids we hear about on here simply don't have. I wouldn't let them back into my life until they've made it clear that they've changed and they're ready to accept you!
DH is under the impression
DH is under the impression that I am the one who needs to apologize to the skids. :O He doesn't really think that they (OSD and YSD) did anything wrong. They were just being normal kids.
I can only make a guess here
I can only make a guess here because he has never actually told me but:
For being a bitch
For not allowing them to walk all over me
For not being okay with them stealing from me
For not allowing them to come over
For fighting with him in front of the skids (a long time ago) about the skids
For not allowing them to disrespect me
In 2012 when Potato Gate happened we split up for like 3 days. He told me on the phone- "You are going to need to apologize to my girls" (Not even SS, just his girls) and I told him to FUCK OFF and call me again when he is serious about talking about our relationship. He expected me to apologize to his daughters for having a fight with him over the phone and HE told them what was going on :? and they went on to trash me on FB and text.
Exactly.
Exactly.
And that's how you raise
And that's how you raise entitled monsters LOL
Seriously though... Kids do stupid stuff and they can be awful, that's absolutely true, but they still need to be held accountable for their actions. I was behaving like a lot of teenagers do, BUT I was behaving badly nonetheless and that's not okay.
I like to think my stepdad is the one who taught me accountability because he is the only one who demanded respect from me, and now, I thrive in the workplace because I can very easily be accountable for my actions, deadlines, mistakes, etc.
My parents, on the other hand, often chalked it up to the hormones of being a teenager and all that... but regardless, my behaviour was crap and if it wasn't for my stepdad, I probably never would have reflected on how it impacted others.
Exactly. And that has been
Exactly. And that has been the problem. I get it that they are going to do stupid stuff. DH just chalked it up to them being kids, half ass parented and thought it was okay. He would say stuff "Well they live with BM and are being raised mostly by her that is why they act that way." It was like he was okay with their behavior because of their mother. WTH!
I know I could have swept some of the "normal kids" stuff under the rug and handled it better. I know that I have some fault in that.
But, they are not kids
But, they are not kids now.
They are fully formed adults who should know right from wrong.
I think your husband is a total jerk if he refuses to recognize the way that they treated you is the reason that you feel the way you do about them.
You set boundaries-and when those kids crossed those boundaries, you disengaged. There's nothing wrong with protecting yourself.
It would be nice if your husband would protect you too
He doesn't think he needs to
He doesn't think he needs to protect me against his kids. They are his kids after all ;-). He thinks he is giving into me by not having the kids over and I should be happy that he has given in to that.
I think it would be very
I think it would be very interesting to see what he would do if you allowed his kids over. I mean, it could backfire on you, but I just don't get the feeling that he's that into his kids.
They are his kids and I'm sure he loves them, but he has to know what train wrecks the girls are. He defends them because he thinks that's what he should do as their dad, and that's easier to do than to take any responsibility or actually DO anything.
He will not admit it, but he is probably glad to have you as the reason he is distant from them, instead of making that decision on his own and be a "bad dad".
This!!!!!!
This!!!!!!
YES!! And this is my DH as
YES!! And this is my DH as well. He defends skids because he feels like that is what he is supposed to do. Then a week later, he's bitching to me about how awful they are. lol He told SD she could stay with us for 3 months, because he felt like that's what he had to do, but just last week, he's referring to her as "that dumb bitch"
they like the idea of this happy family, but it's just not a reality.
I had the same situation as
I had the same situation as sunshinex. My mom married my step dad when I was 10. When I hit my teen years I gave him a run for his money. I was THAT kid that would tell him I hated him, that he wasn't my father, slamming doors, sneaking out, just basically bucking the system and being a class a asshole. One week after I graduated from high school, he and I got into about something stupid (a "this is my house and you will follow the rules" type of disagreement) and I moved out.
I hated him for a bit and stayed away.. but as time went on, I matured and realized that I had been acting like a total asshole. I had a bit of a credit card snafu when I was 18 in that the clothing store that I was working at had given me a credit card and I maxed it out and was not able to pay the minimum payments. My mother made me work out a deal with credit card company to get it paid off, but of course it went on my credit. My step dad actually offered to put me on his American Express account, I had my own card, but my account was like a sub account or something? So I had to give him the money each month to pay it. This helped me build my credit back up. As the years went on, my step dad and I slowly starting building a civil relationship. I actually had him give me away at my wedding (to my 1st husband)I really truly came to see that he loved my mother beyond words and that he made her very happy (even for all his quirky behaviors and what not)We just could not LIVE together.
One week before he passed very unexpectedly, he and I actually went shopping and had lunch JUST the two of us and it was a very enjoyable time. And I do look back and think wow! I gave this man every reason to disengage and walk away from my antics but he didn't and I regret that he is not here right now for me to tell him that and to get advice from him about skid stuff.
At this point, all those
At this point, all those "kids" are adults. It may be entirely possible that some of their youthful self-centered moody teen angst is in the past (though it has been shown on this site that it often persists..lol).
My stance would be this.
DH, these are your kids and if you want to maintain a relationship with them, that's fine. You need to understand that a lot of the behavior you allowed them to exhibit in the past was very hurtful to me. It hurt me to be treated badly but it also hurt that you were not willing to insist on them doing anything differently. As such, I hope you can see how I don't feel it's my place or obligation to apologize to your children and facilitate your relationship with them. If you want to have them in your life, you are welcome to call them, buy them birthday presents, meet them for lunch etc... Right now, I would like you to limit my need to be involved with them. If you want to have them over for a visit, you can do all the planning and work. I will be happy to stay by your side at such an event, but if they aren't able to behave kindly towards me and if you can't stand up for me with them, I will reserve the right to either ask them to leave or leave myself. Again, I want you to have whatever relationship with your own children that you feel you want to have, but I can't just sweep away years of horrible comments from them. I am willing to be civil and see where things go, but you are going to have to do the work on your own end.
I really don't think DH wants
I really don't think DH wants to put any work in himself. He just wants me to get on board, go with the flow and deal with the issues as they come. Ideally he'd like me to just shut up and suck it up since they don't live with us and in his mind wouldn't be around that often.
I guess that I again would
I guess that I again would point out that you are not stopping him from having a relationship with his kids.
It may have been just "dumb teen stuff", but it was hurtful to you and you felt very much that he allowed them to speak badly to you and overlooked a lot of the antics.. (stealing etc...)
So, have your relationship DH. Want to buy them and their children gifts? No problem go ahead and spend your money on them..
If he wants to host them for a dinner... kitchen is thataway ===>
If you are having a larger "family" celebration I would allow him to invite them but he will need to be responsible for their behavior. If they do a no call, no show.. that's not your problem.
Well, I don't think it's up
Well, I don't think it's up to you to reach out and make amends, however, if your DH wants to do the work to have them over, that would be on him. My guess is, he is not willing to do the work, not the physical hosting and not the emotional work it takes, either, or he would already be doing it.
He wavers back and forth because, although he thinks it would be great to have that family time with his kids and grand kids, he doesn't want to actually make the effort. And he can keep blaming you for it as long as you say they can't come over.
A couple of weekends ago, DH mentioned inviting SD25 over, we haven't seen her for over a year. I said sure, knowing that he would grill out or whatever and none of the hosting would be left to me. SD hemmed and hawed, said she didn't think she had enough gas, blah, blah, whatever, she didn't come (but she did have enough gas to go see her BF in jail that Monday). Anyway, DH thinks SD was hinting about coming over this past weekend but said that he was not interested in invited her.
Sometimes, these things have a way of working out themselves if you step back. So, if you decide to give it a chance, just make sure it is ALL on your DH. Maybe then, he will see how ungrateful his kids are, when it's HIS efforts that get ignored.
He wavers back and forth
He wavers back and forth because, although he thinks it would be great to have that family time with his kids and grand kids, he doesn't want to actually make the effort. And he can keep blaming you for it as long as you say they can't come over.
^^^^^This is 100% what I think is going on with DH. This is why he mostly says he is fine with the way things are but sometimes feels like wants his kids around when it makes sense- family in town, cookout, etc.
I'll try to find the blog.
I'll try to find the blog.
https://www.steptalk.org/node
https://www.steptalk.org/node/220806
Thank you!
Thank you!
You're welcome
You're welcome
And then I still went on to
And then I still went on to marry his ass...
Dickmitization!!!
Dickmitization!!!
I know... (hangs head in
I know... (hangs head in shame...)
Agree. He has ALWAYS put it
Agree. He has ALWAYS put it ALL on me. With the exception of MSD putting her hands on me. But even when it initially happened he still didn't even think that MSD was 100% at fault.
LOL yep. I told my husband
LOL yep. I told my husband from the start that I will never be "laid back" when it comes to parenting, whether it's my stepdaughter or our future bios, they won't be getting away with crap that they shouldn't get away with. So he knows to expect it. I will absolutely be THAT parent who calls the police on my kids if they steal from me, just to scare them out of behaving like idiots. LOL
Your DH needs to make an
Your DH needs to make an effort to parent his kids if he wants to have a relationship with them, not you. If he isn't willing to work at it or if he doesn't make any progress to get them to learn to respect you or your home then it's all on him. I would not re-engage unless you can see change!
That's how I am feeling. He
That's how I am feeling. He makes me feel like I have to do all the work. That I am the problem.
So I sent this text to DH
So I sent this text to DH "Are you interested in me/your kids getting along or interested in them being able to come back over to the house?"
His response: I'm done talking about it.
Well, if he isn't interested
Well, if he isn't interested in it, I think you have your answer.
So I should just let it go?
So I should just let it go?
(even though doing that basically resolves nothing and we are still where we have been at this whole time. But not letting it go is like beating a dead horse.)
I think so, but I am not
I think so, but I am not walking in your shoes.
Only you know how your DH
Only you know how your DH will react if you drop this now, even though he has basically told you in his text to you that he has no interest in your feelings on this matter.
ESMOD spelled it out beautifully and communication would be key to move forward at this point, so...
Well, alrighty then
Well, alrighty then
That was my thought process.
That was my thought process.
I think why I worry about
I think why I worry about this so much when I pretty much know the answer is that I hope some forgiveness and closure will help ME with how I feel about everything. It's an internal struggle for me. I sometimes think if I could learn to accept them and the situation more then I would feel better. (But I also know this is probably wishful thinking.)
I do feel like I have had a lot of insight and myself I have grown so I wonder if I could handle certain situation better. I don't like the current situation. I feel comfortable in that I have made the right decision for ME and BS, but I still don't like that this is my life.
I love my DH. I really do. He can be an ass and of course here you guys hear the bad stuff but he is very loving and in a lot of ways he has been a good partner. BS loves him and would be devastated if we split up. So I want to do whatever I can to make my marriage work (of course without getting walked all over) and make myself feel better and start some internal healing for myself.
I feel for you zero Of course
I feel for you zero
Of course we only hear the bad stuff... That's what this site is for. In reality, it's gotta be hard to have your kids and your wife not getting along, and it's not easy for our husbands, either.
Could you approach a compromise? ie. I'll try to get along with the stepkids if you try to focus on parenting them to be easier to get along with? Or we do it together - we set some boundaries together and we all try to make things work.
I have, many times, admitted to my own "wrong doings" that I didn't feel were my fault, for the sake of keeping the peace in my marriage. I have also been more giving and done more for my stepdaughter than I feel I need to do, in exchange for my husband stepping up more as a parent who sets rules and diciplines.
It's give and take, and sometimes as a stepparent, you give more than you'd like for the sake of staying happy with your husband. But he has to meet you half-way for this to work.
His response: I'm done
His response: I'm done talking about it.
See? That is how interested he really is in having them over, which is not all that much.
Like I said- he wants what he
Like I said- he wants what he wants but doesn't want to put any work or effort into it. I'm just supposed to jump on board and be okay with it.
Agree!
Agree!
Most teens do obnoxious
Most teens do obnoxious things that they grow out of. But all of us have come across obnoxious adults of all ages - so there is no universal truth that everyone eventually grows up to be a decent human being. Most do. Some don't.
I gave my SS31 a second chance after he started having a stable life with a GF that had a home, car, and job (he rarely had any of those), and they had a baby together. That did not have a good ending, but I don't really regret trying ONCE.
What would be INSANE would be to give them another chance. SS and his GF are grown, adult, parents who do not get any more "do overs". They are who they are - and that is people that I do not want in my life.
My DH is free to go see them when he wants. No one who has stolen from me will be allowed in my home EVER again.
There truly is no reason to keep trying to have a relationship with people that you know are toxic aholes.
This is a complicated issue
This is a complicated issue in step life.
Whenever my DH gets all nostalgic mopey about wanting the adult over 30 skids to be allowed to even so much as pull into our driveway for a gift grab or "drop off a photo of grandkids that they forgot to give him" aka piss on my turf....and yes it is a traumatic event to me any time to even think of one of the b$&@hs near my house. Because if I do not exist then surely my home and everything I have worked for to make a place for me and DH here then that all does not exist.
I have told him in the past that if all is to be reconciled then it needs to be in a public neutral place. Not at my home allowing any of them to walk back in pretending nothing ever happened and taking up where they left off. No thank you. I can be adored or ignored from a distance. I don't need it in my face.
From what I see of the relationship he has with them there is nothing that makes me want to participate. Almost anytime he does see them the BM is there. Nope....do not want to hang out at kiddie bounce place with your ex. Nope...do not want to hang out with the abusive DH of YSD. Nope...do not want to go out of my way to see OSD and the GKid I have never met. His relationship with them is what he allows and what he makes it. He is too afraid they will ice him if he puts any boundaries in place. Or heck, maybe he just really doesn't like them enough to bother. Who knows.
I do not care to have any relationship with them five years into the timeline. I just want my holiday joy back. I want my home to be my safe place. So stop allowing driveway gift grabs, etc.
So maybe if you put it to DH that any reconciliation will be at neutral place and go from there, then maybe you will feel better about it all. It will be on him and them where it belongs. They have homes...do they extend warm invites to you and DH as a couple? No.
Oh yeah...and it would need to be a neutral place, at a non holiday time, and not at a grandkids birthday event or such. So in my case it is not going to happen. They are who they are and it has nothing to do with me. They do not know me, never tried to get to know me. They do not even know their own dad, never ask how are you dad?
We were both in a car accident on Sunday evening. Deer jumped in front of us. All airbags deployed, car messed up and maybe totaled. Thankfully we are ok, but really it could have been so much worse. Did any one of them reach out to me to see how I was? No. To DH? Don't know...unlikely.
So do not let DH make you feel bad about banning the skids. If he gives you grief. Say hey DH...invite the kids to the local park for a picnic, everyone bring their own picnic basket and some frisbees to toss. Tell him a date you are avail. He can make it happen or not. No skin off your back.
Let it go and live your life. Easier said than done or we would all not be here on Steptalk.