Help, advice needed...police involved.
DH has 50/50 legal custody of the kids but only every other weekend and one night a week visitation.
This weekend it was DH custody weekend but it's Mother's Day on Sunday so as per court agreement BM gets the skids back at 9:30am Sunday. SD14 had a school dance and it was arranged that BMs mother would take SD14 to the dance and then keep her overnight till handing back to BM at 9:30am for Mother's Day. BM was fuming because she wanted SS12 her mini husband to be handed back to her on Saturday too. BM doesn't give a shit about SD she is just obsessed about SS. But DH said he would keep SS12 till 9:30am on Sunday, they had tickets to the zoo and SS's friend was coming to the zoo and sleeping over. BM refused to take SD14 to the dance unless SS12 was returned at the same time.
DH refused to let her have SS early and arranged for SM's mother to take SD. In the court agreement BM insisted that the only agreed child Carer allowed for the kids is her mother. Everyone else is not allowed to have the kids for longer than 4 hours or they have to be returned to BM. BM freaked out that her mother took SD and told SD she was not allowed back to BMs house till 9:30am on Sunday. Yes she actually banned her own daughter from coming home on Saturday night just because she wasn't getting SS.
So here's the bad part!! BMs mother called DH today to say that overnight on Saturday after the dance, SD and her two sleepover friends snuck out of the house in the middle of the night and they were picked up by the police and returned to her. No alcohol was involved thank god but BMs mother doesn't want to tell BM, they fight like cat and dog. BM has even beaten up her own mother and put her in hospital.
So lesson learnt, DH will not allow SD to have a sleep over ever again on his custody time.
BUT My question, now we know does DH have to legally tell BM? BM will have a total hissyfit and make this out to be DH fault and start shouting about going back to court. Sadly I think we have to tell BM or she could use it in court, we have no court case pending but no doubt we'll be in court again at some point.
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Tell her about it and if she
Tell her about it and if she threatens court then so be it. You guys did nothing wrong. S
Sorry if I missed it... but why didn't SD come back to your house after the dance?
That's true, we did nothing
That's true, we did nothing wrong. It's just the fact it happened on our watch, BM will try and use that.
SD didn't come back to our house after the dance because it's 35 mins away close by BM and BMs mothers houses. SD sleeps over at her grans often. We didn't see the harm as SD has sleepovers at friends several times a month. It was nieve thinking on our part. SD won't get to do that ever again.
Let BM squawk all she wants.
Let BM squawk all she wants. SD was in care of Grandma when she snuck out.
Yes, you're right. So we
Yes, you're right. So we have to tell her?? Would it be really bad if we didn't? SD just called me and told me what happened. She was with friends all crammed into a car, the kid driving pulls out of the school car park and police pull him over for having a broken tail light, sees 6 people stuffed in a car and gets them all out of the car. They don't take SDs details or name, she's already called gran and gran come picks her up and then takes her friends home. So the police have no details of her at all, so no repercussion from them. So maybe there's really nothing to tell BM. I just feel so sorry for SD, BMs favourite past time is screaming at SD and bullying her. When DH picks the skids up he can hear BM screaming at the kids. I just think SD needs a break and we're not going to let her sleep over again. She can have friends over to ours if she wants to see them on DHs weekends.
Even though there is no
Even though there is no official record, I think this rises to the point where it should be shared with the BM. If it comes out at a later date that it wasn't shared... heads will roll for sure.
I think SD will do this again
I think SD will do this again on BMs time so if it comes out then that it's the 2nd time. BM will blame us for not telling her, she's a sociopath so never takes responsibility for anything. So I guess we should tell her. Technically SDs ride got pulled over by the police and SD had to get a ride home from Gran. But the issue here is SD snuck out of Grans house in the middle of the night to hang with friends.
This is funny though, because DH wouldn't give SS back early BM emailed him accusing DH of abusing her and SS! It was hilarious, we got Siri to real the email to us several times while we cried with laughter!
If I have this right BM
If I have this right BM thought her daughter was with you but you all let her stay at grans and she snuck out from Grans. Is this right?
And YES, you need to tell her that her kid snuck out.
No BM knew Gran was picking
No BM knew Gran was picking up SD and having her overnight. But it was arranged by DH.
If you want the totally
If you want the totally Chicken way out... Gran is HER mother right? let GRAN tell of the offense!
Sure your DH can hear a little bit about it.. but He can tell her that if she has a problem with the way her mother is dealing with their daughter to take it up with GRAN
I like that idea! And when
I like that idea! And when BM has a go at DH he can tell her it's time to get the ROFR taken OUT of the custody agreement. She's the stupid idiot who insisted it went in. Her main aim was to make sure I never got time with the kids on my own!
Actually, it works in Dad's
Actually, it works in Dad's advantage. It's BM's insistence that the only person capable of caring for SD is her grandmother (BM's mother). Well, that worked out well for BM , didn't it!
First, ROFR for a 14yr old is pretty silly being a four hour window. Secondly, BM having being the control of the one and only person approved if unusual. If it isn't BM herself spending the ROFR time with her child, why have one? Giving the time to the opposite parent it the intent of the order.
So if and when BM rears her head screaming Dad lost his kid on his time, she needs a quick reminder that Dad handed the kid over to exactly who he is suppose to , Grandma. But since off to court they go, it is the ripe time to fix the stupidity of the ROFR and the of 'approved' person.
SD did what many bratty teens do all the time. She snuck out of the house. Fortunately, she's fine and it sounds like at the most, she was caught breaking curfew, cop picked her up and brought her home. Grandma likely got a 'do you know where your granddaughter was' lecture. You didn't mention any tickets being issued nor notices to appear...so I'm assuming Grandma got her hand spanked by a policeman and a warning.
Grandma , herself, may or may not inform her daughter what tricks and giggles the girl pulled. It should be a major wake-up call that Grandma is not capable of supervising the girl and especially not when a couple other teenage girls are also involved. It should be the end of Grandma overnight sitting. It should be the end of GMa being the one and only 'approved' person and it should be the end of silly four hour ROFR.
No more dances for SD on Dad's time unless Dad is willing to deliver his daughter to the school and pick his daughter up and bring her back to his house afterwards. The girl has proven herself untrustworthy of school dances and sleeping over at Grandma's. Grandma has proven herself incapable and untrustworthy of picked SD up and keeping her overnight.
Yeah, Dad needs to tell BM what happened and it needs to put it on BM. BM's 'approved' one and only allowed person failed. BM, herself failed in selected an older person who foolish underestimates teenage girls. Dad failed because he didn't want to follow up and bringing his daughter home over a lousy 30 minute drive after saying she could attend.
Lots of fault to pass around. Use it to clean up needed changes in the CO.
I too was a sneaker outer
I too was a sneaker outer Granny but the world isn't the same as it used to be, sure there was crime but nowadays you could be picked up in the middle of the night and sold in to sex trafficking in the blink of an eye.
Agree or don't agree it is
Agree or don't agree it is all the same to me. Sex trafficking numbers are way higher now then they were in the 80's or 90's.
We also used to get told by cops to pour our beer out, not any more, it is a $500 MIP, back in the day cops said nothing about cigarettes and now that also a $500 MIP. Times are different, yes the internet has changed how the information is handled but I still don't want my 14 YO daughter out of the house, riding in a car with who knows who in God knows where doing whatever it is they are doing.
My parents and step parents were a united front, there was no lying by omission to another parent to cover a misdeed of a child, you got caught doing something wrong and everyone knew, I certainly didn't have a parent that covered for me.
Hmmmm, well now I'm tempted
Hmmmm, well now I'm tempted to say let's not tell BM. SD will never have that freedom again, she knows that. I told her that on the phone this morning. I text her to call me so I could find out exactly what happened.
I think we need to make sure that GM knows she'll be at fault if BM ever finds out. I'm amazed she told DH, normally everything gets hidden from DH.
In my house there would be no
In my house there would be no more sleep overs with the grandparent. It's not fair to the grandma. 40yrs ago I snuck out too. A small town and a different world than it is today. Yes, girls still sneak out, but the grandparent should not be put in the position to worry all night if her little darling is still snoring away in bed or out and about. That's solely the responsibility of the parents. Grandparents already raised their kids. The next generation are all on Mom and Dad.
I agree but GM is obsessed
I agree but GM is obsessed with SD and will do anything to spend time with her. GM pays for everything for SD, BM milks GM for every penny she can get. And uses SD to force GM to do everything she wants. BM withholds SD all the time and it breaks GMs heart.
But then again BM is a product of GM, she let her daughter turn into a sociopath by never telling her no.
nvm
nvm
Hi twoviewpoints, You summed
Hi twoviewpoints,
You summed it up perfectly and I agree with all you said. The ROFR is written both ways that skids have to be given to GM or DH if BM can't have them for longer than 4 hours. But BM will never admit to DH if she can't have the Skids, she'll do anything not to let DH have the skids.
GM has been a complete push over with the skids for years. She's scared to admit to BM what happened, BM is likely to get physical with her.
The police never picked up SD, they pulled the driver of the car she was in over for a broken tail light and got all the kids out of the car and told them they had to call parents for rides home. So the police never got SDs name and GM drove out and picked SD up.
I realise we have to tell BM what happened and DH will point out that BM put GM as the only option for childcare. BM will freak, hopefully she'll raise her blood pressure to a dangerous level and smoke 50 cigarettes a day for the next few days and put herself towards that early grave even faster! Every cloud has a silver lining!
LOL!! "and smoke 50
LOL!! "and smoke 50 cigarettes a day for the next few days and put herself towards that early grave even faster! Every cloud has a silver lining!" Love it ! }:)
You know that you have to
You know that you have to inform BM. You can ask grandma if she would rather tell BM or give her warning that you are going to tell her so she can try to protect herself if she fears she may be attacked. You could try issuing consequences to sd first in your house so that your husband can tell BM that he has it in hand and that sd is recieveing suitable punishment in his house to try to avoid BM over reacting.
Other than those things there is nothing else you can really do, apart from the suggestions above about stopping using grandma as a babysitter and trying to change the rofr clause.