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O/T Family involvement in our issues

AJanie's picture

Submitted by AJanie on Tue, 05/02/2017 - 9:11am

Anytime DH and I have a fight (not small bickers... but of the "big fight" variety) DH vents to SIL (who basically raised him, so she is somewhat of a monster in law to me).

It seems like the first thing he does when he walks away is call her. I have addressed this before and it is literally like he cannot help himself in the moment. Then she hears "his side" and promptly starts posting passive aggressive quotes about me all over social media. She hates me, probably always has. She is the type who is always bored and thus, full of drama. Nothing harder for me to ignore than someone who never had their act together passing judgment on me... but I do try to ignore it...

I know they are close and she is "all he has"... but it is ridiculous - time to cut the cord! I told him that YES I vent to a friend from time to time but I certainly do not air my dirty laundry to family.

Now I have to see this woman at SS's birthday party. It makes me so angry that DH does this.

I am not sure if he is emotionally stunted from losing his mom as a kid or just a jack ass... but he needs to learn how to keep our issues that we have between us. I don't care how "wronged" he feels in the moment by me... he is a grown man.

Anyway ever dealt with this?

Comments

Gunner's picture

Submitted by Gunner on Tue, 05/02/2017 - 9:14am

I don't understand this at all. You excuse your talking to a friend about it but he can't to his sil, sister in law?? My wife does the same thing to me. She can call her best friend and her sister and explode about things I've done or issues we have but when I talk to my family about issues we have she gets irate.

AJanie's picture

Submitted by AJanie on Tue, 05/02/2017 - 9:25am

I think the difference for me personally is that my friends can take it with a grain and move on. They don't condemn him.

His sister has an emotional reaction and then decides she hates me for several weeks at a time. We have to see each other for nieces and nephews events or skid events and it makes things very uncomfortable.

Gunner's picture

Submitted by Gunner on Tue, 05/02/2017 - 9:29am

That is what my wife says but her friend and especially her sister will be cold to me or give me that look women give for a while afterwards. I told my wife if she wants me to stop then she needs to lead by example. You may not see it but we can feel it when a woman is mad for her friend.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Tue, 05/02/2017 - 9:18am

This is what he needs to understand. Every time he vents with his sister, he is giving her another reason to dislike/resent/hate you. HE may vent his steam, get over the issue and be back to normal, but his sister isn't your SO, HE is. She doesn't get to hear all the good and positive things.. and even if he does relay some of them, in the heat of the moment, he is probably relaying thing in a harsher light. He is also just relaying his side so she doesn't necessarily know the whole truth. She probably doesn't care either as she would most likely take his side anyway.

There was a song once that said "Jesus may forgive, but a daddy never forgets".

I have never vented to my friends because I don't want them to 1. think I'm an idiot for putting up with something 2. Don't want to poison their opinion of my SO and become potential wedges in our relationship.

Don't get me wrong. Venting can be cathartic, therapeutic and it can be better than spewing a lot of anger at your SO. Doing it to family and friends??? Bad idea. Your BFF will likely not forget the time you said your SO called you a "C-word" etc...

So, he should find another place to vent. The interwebs is great for that. Find a group like this of anonymous strangers that will listen, commiserate and maybe give him some straight talk as well? No poisoning of the well and he gets his fee fees out.

AJanie's picture

Submitted by AJanie on Tue, 05/02/2017 - 9:26am

Exactly! She gets ONE SIDE and she forms her high and mighty opinion. She is the town crier, a very dramatic person who I truly believes enjoys the chaos to an extent. Of course, he does not see it that way.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Tue, 05/02/2017 - 9:25am

He needs to stop doing this, unless he wants his sister to hate you (sounds like she might, already).

DH's mom (who passed before I met him) told him when he was married to his first wife, that she never wanted to hear about their problems. She said that whereas, he would forgive her and go on, she (his mom) might continue to hold a grudge against his wife for how she treated him or whatever, and she didn't want to do that.

Even with my best friend, I don't ever get into the nitty gritty.

AJanie's picture

Submitted by AJanie on Tue, 05/02/2017 - 9:29am

I could probably leave some details out with friends. I do have a tendency to overshare when mad. I am not completely innocent.

That being said, SIL does already hate me and IMO the relationship is forever tarnished. DH and I have had a lot of hurdles and situations we are working through and when we come out on the other side or reach positive milestones - SIL will still remember and focus on all the bad.

AJanie's picture

Submitted by AJanie on Tue, 05/02/2017 - 10:09am

Yes, yes! She, of course, sides with him. Hell, when he had an issue with prescription drugs, she took him in and enabled him. She LIKES him to NEED her.

This is a woman who spends all of her time gossiping because she has nothing else going on.

I do not understand how he doesn't see through her.

momjeans's picture

Submitted by momjeans on Tue, 05/02/2017 - 10:23am

This bites, AJ. She sounds like a codependent enabler - just like my MIL.

And yes I have dealt with this with my DH and you guessed it... his mom. He wouldn't run to her immediately after a tiff, or maliciously confide in her, but he wasn't exactly cautious with what he shared in her presence. He was creating a self-protective bias by inadvertently speaking about things she had no business knowing about. I called him out on it, and I definitely put MIL in her place when she starts to talk about me and our marriage. I've reached the point where I tell her point blank it's none of her freaking business.

Nip this quickly. The only person your husband should be confiding to is a therapist.

AJanie's picture

Submitted by AJanie on Tue, 05/02/2017 - 10:29am

Good for you, Momjeans, for telling her it is none of her business!

I used to get all sorts of upset about what SIL "thought of me" and would reach out, try to repair things or share "my version." Now I don't even bother.

She, of all people, has had her issues in relationships. 3 times married, spent many years with a man who was in and out of prison, etc. I am not at all interested in her opinion, nor should I ever have been.