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Future In-Laws make me Crazy!

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Thu, 04/27/2017 - 3:26pm

Not trying to hog things today but the future in-laws make me crazy.

I asked my SO if he told SS8 about the great grandfather passing away. He told me he was going to but already knew because my future FIL told him this morning before school. SO was still at work he switched to nights. I know none of my business I get it. Oh man it makes me crazy though when both his parents have both said things to me about how my SO should do more and he does not parent his son all the time, and they raised SS8 and basically make it seem like my SO has done nothing.

Well DAMN...... People if you take away every moment from my SO to actually be the parent than yeah he can not parent. I am sorry but I totally think that SO should have been the one to tell his son what happened. My SO's parents enable the situation all the time. I think next time one of them says anything to me I am just going to say I do not want to hear it and walk away.

By the way I have been doing much better about not engaging with the future in-laws and staying away more but still managing to spend time with my SO and his son.

Sorry end rant.

Comments

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Thu, 04/27/2017 - 9:13pm

^^^^THIS^^^^

Their dynamic has been in place for YEARS. If your SO wants to change it, he will.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Fri, 04/28/2017 - 8:10am

I get what you are saying and it is easy to say not to care than to actually do it. I care because I get tired of them saying he needs to do more and that they raised SS8 like my SO was literally never there at all. Again my SO not prefect and made mistakes. Stop telling me he needs to step up but his parents don't even let him sometimes.

SO did not even get a chance to talk to his dad. He was at work.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Thu, 04/27/2017 - 4:10pm

Since they have been raising the child and this was their relative that passed, I can see why they told him.

But seriously, you just said THEY don't think he parents his kid enough. He may be putting on a show for YOU, but he has been happy letting them do all the heavy lifting with his child. Now he will most likely you expect you to take on big parenting roles because you are a woman.. that's your place in life.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Fri, 04/28/2017 - 8:15am

SIL and I are actually really good and have been getting along really great. She even stepped back a little and I think she is starting to find things that make her happy besides her nephew. That is a good thing. She still spends plenty of time with him and he still goes and spends the nights once in a while too.

Kid is in school and will be going to day care in the summer. How does working nights keep someone from being a parent? The kid is in school while he sleeps and SO gets up when SS8 comes home. He is not working weekends. The only thing I have to do is drop kid off at the daycare that is on my way to work in the mornings.

stepmomof1biomomof1's picture

Submitted by stepmomof1biomomof1 on Thu, 04/27/2017 - 4:30pm

Seems like the grandparents and sister have been raising the boy the majority of the time.
Him getting a night job will be better than working out of town but will still be hard. During the summer and weekends when he is trying to sleep all day and you are trying to stay quiet and keep the kid quiet. My husband works swing shift..it is HARD.
From your past blogs it doesn't seem like you have not been together long. You don't live together. Maybe he is putting on a show for you about how involved he is.
All of your post seem to be about SO parents. Why are you that involved with them? My in laws live 5 minutes away. We don't see each other as it seems like you see SO parents.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Fri, 04/28/2017 - 7:30am

Well SO still lives with them. SO and I have been together for almost a year and half now. No not that long but some time. I get night jobs are not easy on anyone my biodad worked nights when we were kids and my stepdad works them now. I get nights are not easy. Luckily it is not a swing shift it is pretty set and does not involve weekend just once in awhile.

I try really hard not to be involved with them but it is hard because like I said SO lives with them. They are those type of people involved in everything and like to talk a ton. While I know many people on here think my SO is putting on a show for me but he is not. He even knows he has made mistakes and continues to do better. I have mentioned to him about how much his parents have done these past few years. They did not do everything. So took kid to daycare, changed diapers, takes him to practices, make sure he brushes his teeth. He is not prefect but he loves his son and I can honestly say he has always tried to do what is best for him.

I am just upset that they say he needs to do more but his own parents won't let him. I keep my mouth shut this was just a vent. My future FIL told SS8 before my SO even got home from work so SO did not have time to discuss it with him at all. They are moving away and have told there son many times you need to do more and I have witnessed it when he does do more and is the parent they will undermine him sometimes it has gotten better but it still happens.

If they ever lived 5 minutes away I would run very far away. His mom is can be nosy and asks me way too many questions at time and I have had to learn to deflect them.

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Thu, 04/27/2017 - 5:16pm

If this guy were a decent parent, the inlaws wouldn't be able to "take away every moment from my SO to actually be the parent".

No matter how you try to spin it, you can't get away from the fact that your inlaws stepped up to the plate and raised that child.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Fri, 04/28/2017 - 7:15am

I will be at the house with SS8 at night but we will both be sleeping. I do have to get him up and ready to take to school but he pretty much takes care of himself some mornings. His grandmother will sleep until it is time to take him to he gets his own breakfast and get himself dressed. I really do not have to do much. SO goes to work after SS8 is already in bed.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Fri, 04/28/2017 - 8:07am

SO has flexed his parenting muscles more and more. Yes SS is still staying with the grandparents while daddy works because they live with them right now until end of school year.

I have not issue helping to raise this kid. He is a really great kid. No I do not have on blinders, he is not prefect but he is a good kid overall. I take him with me by myself sometimes. I had off work the other day and he had no school so I asked him if he wanted to paint his room in the new house with me that day and he did.

I spent the day just him and me, I enjoyed it. I have a step-dad who does stuff for me all the time and stepped in when I was 16 and helped my mom. He never had children was never married but he stepped in and agreed to help her finish raising me. Let's face it at 16 we are not done growing up. If he hadn't stepped up and been a dad to me who knows what would have happened. I am grateful to him every day for filling in that role. My bio-dad is kinda worthless.

I guess what I am saying is I have no issue with it because I am grateful I had someone in my life that stepped in and filled that role for me. Maybe my future SS8 will feel the same maybe he won't I have no idea. I did not seek this out in my life it just happened. I fell for a man who has a son.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Fri, 04/28/2017 - 1:48pm

Firstly, this post is filled with "I" statements : "I have no issue with...", "I don't mind", "I enjoy", etc. However, the existing dynamic has NOTHING to do with you. The (unhealthy) patterns are firmly imprinted on all the players, and it's those patterns that will continue to dictate behavior going forward. You can't change or control this, but you WILL be affected, and are already enabling it by taking on some of your SO's parenting. This is a HUGE mistake.

Secondly, you need to stop using your own experience as a skid as a rationale for becoming involved with your SO's son. Each step dynamic is unique, and while stepfathers are often perceived as heroic, stepmothers are usually vilified. The two situations couldn't be more different, and you need to be ruthlessly honest with yourself if you are to make your particular step situation work.

Lastly, Be Mindful. Your SO is on his own journey. He took the path of least resistance as a father, and there WILL be consequences for that. Don't interfere or attempt to mitigate the discomfort he needs to feel in order to grow into his role as a full time parent. Don't enable your SO out of some misguided desire to help or fit in. If your relationship is going to work, he must parent on his own.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Fri, 04/28/2017 - 3:13pm

Yes because I post in the first person. Wow that is how most people post on here.

I know each step dynamic is very different I had a stepmom at one point and I did not like her at all mainly cause I did not my dad. I am honest with myself trust me I am.

I appreciate the advice as I do believe that is what you are trying to accomplish here. He does parent on his own more and more everyday. He has even put his foot down with his mother or tried to at least but it is hard to so when they will ignore his wishes and do what they want anyway.

I have not desire to help or fit in. You kinda make it sound like that I sought this situation out and I am some person that likes to fix things. That is so far from the truth. I have had discussions with my SO and made it very clear to him what I will and will not do.

Many on here have just repeatedly say to just stay totally out of it and let my SO just struggle and figure it all out on his own. Many on here have not done that and still do not do it I have read plenty.

Yeah he took the path of least resistance.....i am sure he took the easy way out of being a dad when the little boys BM decided she didn't want to be a parent and just left her child and had very little to nothing to do with him since. I would say she took the path of least resistance.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Fri, 04/28/2017 - 8:24am

Thank You LadyFace.

I am moving in this weekend to the house and the second week of June SO and SS8 will be joining me because school will be over. We got a house in a different school district. SS8 already knows and we are enrolling him in a summer program where other kids from the new school go so he can meet some kids. I also have a friend in the are who has a son his age and will be going ot the same school so we are planning like a BBQ so they can meet.

Yeah I do not totally get it why a single mom can get tons of help and rely on family and not one jumps down her throat. A single dad doing it is totally wrong and not a parent at all. Double Standard.

Thanks Again.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Fri, 04/28/2017 - 10:50am

Ok. I am going to clarify this even thought I do not really need to. My SO was not out of town as much as you think. I would know. Yes his job would take him away sometimes for long periods of time but than he would be home for two months straight. In the last year before the new job he was not traveling nearly as much before. He switched jobs because they were goign ot send him away for two months straight over seas. He made a change for what was best for his son.

He did not spend ever other weekend with me at all. It was like once a month and for only one night.

Also to clarify his parents have no problem spoiling the kid and taking him to do fun things, yes they take him to the doctor when SO is at work and can't. The last time they took SS8 to the doctor they did not even tell SO until he got home from work. They do this all the time. But when SS misbehaves they tell SO you deal with with it or when SS8 does something wrong or acts like a brat they say he is your son.

He fully appreciates everything his parents do for him all the time. My future in-laws have stated they are happy that me and SO will be taking care of everything but trust me when I say they also do not let him many times. You make a lot of assumptions. I never once said I told my SO anything. You know what assuming does right?

My future in-laws want my SO to do more but they do not let him. My future MIL saw SS8 needed new baseball shoes while SO was at work so instead of saying hey your kid needs new shoes she tells her daughter the Aunt and they go buy it. My SO made his mistakes and he is doing the best he can to fix that but his family sometimes will not let him and leave him out of even the little things that parents take care of. I get why they do not fully respect him as a dad I have had the conversations with him when he does get frustrated with his parents at times. I also think do not tell me that my SO needs to do more and you go and just completely ignore that he is there until SS8 misbehaves.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Fri, 04/28/2017 - 11:18am

I fully understand what you are saying. I do and I have been letting things go and not letting things upset me more and more. I also have been keeping myself at a distance from in-laws so I do not get wound up.

This one just got to me a little that is all. I guess somethings are getting to me a little more because I know in less than two months I will not have to deal with this as much anymore. I know things will still happen. I am really curious if the g-parents will be able to let go and give the three of us room to navigate a whole new way of living. Time will tell.

AshMar654's picture

Submitted by AshMar654 on Fri, 04/28/2017 - 2:59pm

Thank you! It just just saddens me a little to see my SO feel defeated at times. Unfortunately I have been a little hard on him lately too just about the house and little things. He got really down the other day and was really doubting himself as a parent.

I appreciate your advice and I hope things will transition well.