Your DH needs to have a chat with Step Dad.

It's okay to have expectations, but I think Step Dad needs to realize the rabbit hole he's just thrown DH down. He's RAISED DH, so he should KNOW that DH wouldn't do something like that if it wasn't warranted.

Then, if Step Dad wants to step off into BM's Wonderland he can have at it. By himself.

"his dad wants a check to reimburse him on Easter or don't bother coming because he didn't raise him to be a dead beat and he won't tolerate it in his home." - WOW. just wow. so sad that this is becoming his (s)dad's 'hill to die on'. i wonder why he is using ss as a pawn - he KNEW your dh didn't have the $ so he goes and blows 460.00 and expects to get reimbursed, bullying dh by implying he's a deadbeat if he doesn't pay up, and likely making your dh feel obligated since (s)dad now had ss hooked up with scout supplies and excited about it. he's gotten ss jacked up and hooked up so he can threaten your dh! un-freaking-believable.

Honestly I would be returning the items to the SF and explain that as a grandparent-its' not his job to BUY the child's love.
And have an honest talk with SS.

I'm sorry but I don't think SF understands all that is going on-he needs to back off and allow DH to be a father.
SF raised his son-now let DH raise HIS son HIS way. Not according to SF's ways.

I know this whole situation is fucked up because the only one being hurt is the child.

Where is your husband's bio dad? Did he help raise your husband? Did he pay CS?
Bio dad's actions may be driving his SF's actions.

My dad is actually my stepfather. He raised my sister and I. Our bio dad never paid one red cent in CS. In this situation, he (and my mom)would have paid as well. He would not demand we pay them back. But then again we would do so automatically.

Perhaps grandpa did everything in his power to ensure that your husband wasn't the kid missing out because of issues between his parents. If he was willing to do a bit extra for his stepchild, he may think it's a no brainer that husband would do the same for his bio child.

Good grief! While I don’t agree with Stepdad going and buying all that and NOW demanding payment, he is the only one that seems to truly care for this kid.

You seem to only care that your precious rules are not bent one iota for SS. And DH is so whipped, he is going to lose his son because he does not want to upset you. Good grief…why didn’t the man just man up and participate in scouts!? How sad for SS to have a dad that would not go into scouts with him because of some of your rules. You said he REALLY wanted to participate with SS but yalls rules would not allow it right?

And BM is a biatch but your DH is not helping the situation any!

Your DH's step dad didn't raise him to be a deadbeat but who raised SF to be such an ass?

He bought SS all of that stuff on his own, that's a gift. To demand reimbursement is rude.

Your DH needs to explain to his SF why he didn't buy the scouts stuff, that it's BM's activity for SS, and if SF volunteers to buy things for it, that's on him.

If they have such a great relationship, this shouldn't be an issue and should be able to be worked out. That is, unless SF wants to keep being an ass and if that's the case, I'd tell him to enjoy Easter without me.

hereiam nailed it: "He bought SS all of that stuff on his own, that's a gift. To demand reimbursement is rude".

DH is SF's regional manager. As in, he works for SF? If so, and if he's adamant to pay SF back, perhaps he can take a payroll advancement. Good grief.

I have a mother who is a lot like this Stepdad - ignored my boundaries when my kids were little and went behind my back to "do for her grandbabies" with NO regard for my decisions or the reasons I made them.

Many, many times I had to return things to her and remind her that I was the parent and I would be the one making decisions. Didn't spend any time with her for about 8 months until she got the message.

Boundaries are your friend and your husband's friend. I do NOT think that step grandpa saved the day. I think he is an ASS of epic proportions who is sticking his stupid nose where it doesn't belong.

I wouldn't go to Easter and I wouldn't pay him back. In fact, I would be done done done with the douche canoe.

Have DH send this to SF-

In our household we allow the kids to participate in one activity at a time. Currently that activity is karate, and the whole family greatly enjoys it. I don't know if you are aware, but BM enrolled SS in scouts with the understanding that it was an activity to be paid for by BM and done on her time. Your involvement in this situation has made things very difficult for me, since your ultimatum for us to assume responsibility for a second activity for SS directly goes against the rules we have established in our home. It will break my heart if this situation were to permanently damage our relationship, but I have to do what is best for my family and that means I won't be involved in SS's scouting, either financially or timewise. If you want to participate with SS I am sure you would both love it, otherwise we are planning to continue with things the way they have been- karate on our time and scouting on BM's.

Sounds like a rule that should have been bent in this case. Your DH WANTED to participate as a father son activity. But didn’t because why?
You said…” Dh really wanted to be a part of that as a father and son thing but he knew bm would just dump it all on him so dh hasn't participated.” Well it is a FATHER son activity right? So yes, he probably would be the one to participate.

IMHO..that rule should have been bent for SS. But I am seeing that is not allowed in your house.

Honestly…I feel SF overstepped so far because he knows that dad REALLY wanted to participate but didn’t, so now he is trying to get him involved in his own way. It is the wrong way, lol. But it is probably killing him to see his son treat his son this way.

Ok well bye step dad. No one told you to pay $500 for anything and expect to be paid back.

And the drama grows *yawn*

Next up, SF leaves my girls (his stepkids) to take his son hiking , after he takes back the girl's Easter shoes to help pay for the Scout gear.

I almost completely agreed with what the stepdad did. He shouldn't have ask for a reimbursement for a gift, though.
It is weird that your dh is willing to go shopping and watch activities for his steroids but don't want to do scouts with his son and use child support as an excuse to not buy his son Easter shoes (like the girls receive). It seems like the girls are the favorite of the family.

Yes stepson ruin his shoes. But unsure what that has to do with not receiving Easter shoes like the rest of the kids in your family.

Your dh needs to start looking for another job if he doesn't want to be control by his stepdad. He is putting himself in a vulnerable position.

They have a one activity rule, with that activity chosen by the parents. OP has indicated this is enforced with the girls as well as SS. You may not agree with it, but you don't have the right to demand exceptions be made. Neither does SF.

Paw paw is an ass-ass.

If I were in this situation I would probably have a talk with SF and tell him I appreciate your heart is trying to do something good but you don't have the full picture. No, you did not raise a deadbeat and you should know it. What you did raise is a man and here I am telling you man to man this is my house and my affairs and my son. I will set the rules and I will protect those rules. Perhaps it's an excellent idea that we all do our own thing for Easter and give ourselves some time to cool off. Because I love you and admire you tremendously. But right now I am really insulted that you feel you can judge me to be a bad person when you have no idea what has gone on between me and boy's mother and the process I have gone through to get to these decisions in the best interests of MY son. I would have thought you would have some faith in me but for some unknown reason you have decided to have more trust and faith in a woman you can't possibly know as well as I do. Again, dad, I appreciate your heart is good. I can't for the life of me think why you think mine is not.

Goblin, why is the sf this ignorant about step-dynamics? Was your dh's bio father dead or otherwise completely absent? Does SF have a glorified view of womanhood, they are all innocent beauties needing menfolk to throw roses in their poor little paths?

The kid should get new Easter shoes if other kids in his family was getting it. Right in front of him.

Is the kid only his kid when he sees them. Does the dh not buy Christmas gifts for his kid when it isn't his year to have them. Not buying your own kid Easter shoes just because he won't see him on Easter is pathetic. The girls are obviously the favorites in the family. And I'm sure the stepdad sees it that way as well.

Child support argument is a cop out on this situation. The op cannot pick and choose when the kids in her family are equal. So dh cannot pay for two activities because the girls will missed out. But the girls can get new special occasion shoes while his son missed out.

I'm torn on this one.

I have always purchased whatever my children needed, regardless of their father's irresponsibility. So, I likely would have purchased the shirt in the first place. Just as I would be involved in my child's activity, whether it was on my time or not, so I would know the schedule of events.

That said, I think it's important why you allow only one activity per child. Maybe it's time to reevaluate that. Maybe not. Only you and your husband can decide that. But, it's obvious one child already has a second activity, whether on Dad's time or not.

No matter how you decide to proceed, though, your husband needs to talk to his dad as an adult father, not as a child. I get where his dad is coming from. I wouldn't be happy with my child either. But, your husband needs to explain his reasoning/decision. "Dad, we have decided as a family that the kids will only be allowed one activity each. That is all we can afford. If I pay for and am involved in Boy Scouts, then son will not be able to participate in karate." Or, you and your husband can agree to two activities for each kid.

This is really starting to sound kind of NUNYAish

My first thought is that scouting is a fantastic organization for boys and teaches them so many great skills and values. My youngest stepson is going to be 17 in May and has been very involved in scouting and is working at scouting camp again this summer. I am so proud of him. It breaks my heart that my own bio tried it and had no interest.

I get we all have rules and if it was any other activity my response would be different. My ex and his ex wife had the 1 activitity rule too but it went by the wayside with scouting and church. My ex did not pay for any extras or activities BM always did, she did most of the running around and I helped out schleping them to baseball and making sure they were fed and ready.

I think your husband needs to have a heart to heart with SD about the situation and talk about how it all makes him feel and why.

To you, I would stay out of it and let your husband deal with his family and just support him.

One activity.
Seems like a plan to me. It's the same deal my kids got (and I was still married to their father at the time). The week has a finite amount of time. There's school and homework. Free time shouldn't be completely filled with activities. Both kids and parents need down time.

Activity wise SS does better than the girls. Girls live with OP and get one activity. SS lives with BM and gets one activity with dad and many activities with BM as BM wants to provide.

You know, many of us do provide extras for skids in the form of time, services, and expenditure even though we have the skids 50/50 or more AND pay substantial child support.

I never thought this family's issue was about the money. It was about the boundary. A boundary with bm and a boundary with ss. SS, you have two houses. Deal with your mother's stuff at your mother's house. BM, do not manipulate me through my child. Handle your own money management and handle your own time scheduling.

My own dh bought a house over 20 miles away from bm when they divorced for this very reason. He knew she would be all up in his grill for every damn thing if he didn't make it inconvenient for her. Even so, she still hit him up for tons of crap. Within days of our wedding she actually said to him "you seem to be less available than you were." Because, yeah, she still expected another woman's husband to come be her errand boy, handyman, extra wallet, you name it. Even on his honeymoon.

I also have other people in my life who are like this, including some relatives. I even pay all the veterinary and many other expenses for BM's dog (purchased long after their divorce) because she neglects him and I can't stand that. Drawing a boundary-which we do-and paying more money than is fair-which we/I also do-are not the same thing. Not at all.

So I have no trouble believing OP and her dh needed to set a firm boundary with this woman for their own sanity. At the same time I know that this Dad will do what and when he can for his boy to be raised properly. In this case Dad was utterly sandbagged. There was nothing innocent about it.

Then BM cast her web and caught Paw paw. BM: 100 all other players get zero and dh in particular goes in the hole.

I also have to say so what if this man (dad) plays a substantial dad role for these 2 girls? Isn't that the family tradition set by PawPaw? SS has 2 bedrooms, 2 yards, 2 houses, 2 activities, 2 sets of toys, and 2 1/2 parents. The girls only have the 2 parents and the one house, etc. They don't even know who their dad is. That is huge and ss has a massive advantage on that one.

The bottom line is this was never about money or "games." It was about two adults trying to run their own home and set boundaries and getting attacked on all sides.

I attempted to read all the replies. For some reason this topic ticked me off. DH seems to be surrounded by a bunch of anal, retentive control freaks. No wonder he looks sad all the time. DW, DFIL and former wife seem to be issuing conflicting orders. How about DH and SS go to scouts together and DW, DFIL and former wife be supportive of this activity, rather than bashing DH. Kids grow up really quickly and this could great for DH and his son. How about everyone support him, rather than calling him out on rules, calling him names or going behind his back and dragging other people into this entirely unnecessary drama. Save the high drama for real problems, and this is not one of them. Where is granny? Her input would be enlightening.

I think DH messed it all up by telling his kid he won't buy extras because he pays CS. You don't tell this to a 10-year-old.

Also it's a concern if DH so destitute that he cannot buy a freaking shirt. Since Your DDs get no CS at all, does he contribute to supporting them? Is that why he has nothing left? Why is he working for family? Can he not get a nice job somewhere else?

He only has one child and simple thing like a shirt is too much? Really? Does he make minimum wages?

Regional managers make good money. Maybe that's why stepdad is Pissed and asks for reimbursement. He knows what this guy makes. Enough to buy a shirt