He will never get it.....Long
So this Sunday SS had a birthday party that he just HAD to attend.
On Friday, DH told me to book a hotel anywhere I wanted for the next kid free Saturday. I told said, yeah right. Every single weekend that is supposed to be skid free has not been. Then he says ok well book it for Friday instead of Saturday. I told him that's ridiculous. I bring up the fact that every kid free weekend has been messed up and instead of saying he needs to fix it, he just says change the day to Friday. Because HE KNOWS something is going to come up.
So, we got into a discussion about how important the kid free time is to me. I told him that it's not ok for him and his ex and his kids to constantly make changes that affect MY kid free time. I told him that I understand it doesn't bother him. It's his kids and he would have them 24/7 if he could. BUT he has to understand that they are NOT my kids and I don't want them 24/7. All I'm asking for is the every other weekend that is supposed to be kid free ACTUALLY BE KID FREE.
Then he goes on about how he asked me about the birthday party and I said it was ok. NO I didn't. I said he couldn't go because it was BM's weekend. Then he said well SS isn't going to his mom's then. And I said double hell no. He back tracked and said stepdad would take him. Somehow this turned into Stepdad dropping him off at our house early Sunday and DH taking him.
He then said I shouldn't care because I didn't have anything planned. Like that matters. He said that SS wouldn't bother me. I tried to explain to him that it's not that SS would be bothering me. It's supposed to be BM's time to have him. I'm not supposed to have a child in my house. Again, this has been every single weekend that BM is supposed to have him since she dumped him on us.
Then he tried to say that I'm SS's mom now. No I'm not. Well, he thinks of you as his mom (funny because just two months ago I had to hear about how I hated Skids and SS hated me. Now, I'm his mom?) He said I should feel proud that I created such a great life for the skids that they don't want to be with BM but rather be with us.
I reiterated to him that I don't have a problem with the kids. Having SS live with us has actually not been bad at all. That doesn't change the fact that I need my kid free time. He then said well, when the kids get older they probably aren't going to want to be with BM at all and will be with us all the time. I said, NOPE. As long as BM is alive, I'm getting at least every other weekend without kids. So he ends up changing the subject to how much skids love me and blah blah blah.
That was early Friday morning. SS gets home from school around 3. DH decides to go take a nap instead of driving him to BM's house. At 430 I start making dinner. When DH gets up he asked me how longer before dinner. I told him 2 hours. He then asks me if SS is eating with us. NO. He doesn’t eat with us on BM's Friday. He supposed to be at her house already.
Then on Sunday when stepdad drops SS off at our house, he goes and plays video games. When it gets to be time to go to the birthday party, DH tells me that SS doesn't really want to go. TO BAD. He didn't get dropped off 6hrs early to play video games.
I can't believe he can't put himself in my shoes for a second and see how I feel about the situation. I went from having skids every other weekend to having SS full time. Ok, no problem. But don't now try to deny me my every other weekend with no kids. GRRRRRRRRRRRR
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Comments
"That doesn't change the fact
"That doesn't change the fact that I need my kid free time."
I totally understand this. But, since the kids are your DH's, he would have them 24/7.. (and it could happen if BM died or something).
It was like when my DH had his kids. If I wanted kid free time, I just made my own plans.
In an "in tact" family, sitters are brought in so that the adults can have adult time too.
Maybe find someone that could be a sitter so you and DH can do stuff alone if the weekends don't turn out 100% kid free.
I understand that but BM
I understand that but BM isn't dead. She is alive and well and needs to spend time with her son.
i totally understand your
i totally understand your vent. as a full-time, full-custody sm. i just count my lucky stars i get even an occasional reprieve from g-ma...
I think what bothers me the
I think what bothers me the most is the expectation. I'm expecting all week to have the kid free time and BAM...last minute BM or skids need to change something.
Does his EX live far away
Does his EX live far away which would make accommodating things the kids want to do impossible?
It does seem like DH should be pushing back against BM unless it is only an occasional thing. I'm all for being flexible, but every weekend isn't flexible.
She lives about 40 minutes
She lives about 40 minutes away and absolutely refuses to be anything for the kids. Stepdad drops SS off alone because BM refuses to spend her time doing it. So, the only way either skid has gone to a school function or birthday party or sport thing, was we do it all.
yes, the expectation is a
yes, the expectation is a huge problem. back when dumb@$$ had primary physical custody (and i only mean that legally, reality was much different) - i never knew when i left work what was awaiting at home. and dh had no clue how that affected me mentally!!!
for your own sanity, change your expectations. bm has visitation privileges. but there's absolutely NO guarantee she will actually exercise her visitation or not. your dh is ordered to make the kids available to her on xyz days and times, but she's not ordered to pick them up (IF your dh's c/o reads the same way as my dh's). so expect them to be there 24/7 - you will much more enjoy your time when she DOES have the kids.
kid-free time is important. i know this, as a very introverted home-body. try to make your own kid-free time to recharge - go do something for yourself that you enjoy- go to the park and read for a few hours, then have a sitter lined up so you and your dh can go out for the evening.
I am also a full custody,
I am also a full custody, full-time SM. When DH and I first got together, we only had the skids 9-12 weeks a year (summer, holidays, etc). It was a huge transition when they came here to live and I still miss my alone time, so I can understand how you feel. If BM was stable and able to parent, SD10 would be going there. I really don't blame you for insisting that your skids spend time with their mom.
Ninji - what are you going to
Ninji - what are you going to to if BM should leave earth? Think about it.... then you married a guy with a child, thus you knew the child..... of eff it, I'm trying to get you upset while I'm smiling and laughing thinking about your response and how many others would be pissed off... just joking
DH: It's not that you have anything planned.... deserves the reply - I planned on walking around naked having dirty sex with you when ever I wanted, where ever... guess you will have to go for self service for a while...
I still demand skid free week-ends... all off them naturally, week-ends when we are not at home Aergia stays alone, week end we are at home she needs to go to BM, boyfriend, friend I just don't care... and funny enough.. SO does not want to spend week-ends with his own daughter he gets rid of her... After last week-end... I actually feel sorry for the girl.... SO opened his eyes but too late, he allowed her to get away with things, now that I'm financially disengaged, he feels the money being spend and the entitlement... it's war in that house
If something were to happen
If something were to happen to BM, that I would have no problem having both kids with us 24/7. If something happened to my DH, I would ask BM about still having time with my skids.
The problem is she's not dead. Her and skids just think the entire world revolves around them and DH and I should change our plans whenever they want something. Even if we don't have plans, BM needs to have her kids on her time.
i'll take one SA! i will
i'll take one SA! i will also be thrilled when dumb@$$ kicks the bucket. and MIL? SHE'S MOVING AWAY SOON!!!!!!!!!! she's not as enmeshed with dh and lurch and kaos, so long-distance will totally be tolerable
I'm a huge planner and also
I'm a huge planner and also value my alone time. This would drive me crazy. I think discussing expectations of when the schedule is altered might be due. Emergencies aside, those weekends are for you and DH- not for BM's convenience.
LOL our finances are
LOL our finances are combined.
No, I don't have any kids. I
No, I don't have any kids. I was 32 when I met DH and I was on the fence about whether or not I wanted kids. Now, after being around skids for the last 7 years, I do not want kids. No offense to anyone but they just don't seem worth all the time, money and headache that comes with being a parent.
Ditto, confirmed childfree
Ditto, confirmed childfree woman here, too.
I could not deal with all this chaos and uncertainty. The marriage is supposed to be the priority, but if sounds like your H is too busy being BM & his kids' b;!ch to focus on your legitimate needs and pov. You need to drive home the reality that crossing you is going to be more painful for him than pleasing his first family.
You're not asking for that much.
Sometimes when SS gets home
Sometimes when SS gets home with a crappy attitude and entitlement issues from BM's, I wish she would be one of those Non-Moms that dont take visitation but then I read these and it reminds me that I would lose my mind if I never had a break from SS.
OMG I can feel my blood
OMG I can feel my blood pressure rising just reading your post. I totally agree and would be livid if my DH pulled this crap.
Personally I would go on strike. I would refuse to cook or do any of the laundry on days that I was supposed to be kid free and DH changed that.
I would immediately get my purse, my car keys and head to the nearest shopping center, spa or friends house with a bottle of wine.
Even now that DH and I are mostly kid free with only YSS coming two days a week and EOW,,,I still want my kid free time. Even if we don't have plans, I want my kid free time. WE NEED our kid free time. Maybe you need to make it more of a chore for your DH to have your SS. Make DH to ALL the cooking, transportation and planning without your assistance or planning.
"...because I didn't have
"...because I didn't have anything planned..."
Actually, DH, I planned to spend the day naked. I'm having a stripper pole installed in the living room and will be practicing all weekend long.
BioHo recently had a sh!tf
BioHo recently had a sh!tf fit because my DH had to work overtime last weekend so PrincASS and PigPen had to stay home. She was spending a weekend with "the girls" - 'Ho, her mother, SD23, Spawn10, and who knows who else. DH would not be able to spend any time with the skids and I do NOT skid-sit. If DH isn't there, the skids CANNOT be there.
I guess 14 and stb18 boys are not old enough to stay home alone?? We don't know why 'Ho's cuckolded hubby, Mr. Pinhead, was incapable of skid-sitting the poor, helpless babies.
LOL, just something for her
LOL, just something for her to complain about.
Naturally, BioHo wanted to
Naturally, BioHo wanted to know why SHE couldn't stay home with the skids. Pffffft. Hell to the No. DH leaves for work at 3:45pm. Skids get off school at 3:30, so they wouldn't even get to our house. DH gets home about 5:45am on Saturday and sleeps 'til 2-3pm. Leaves for work at 3:45. Repeat for Sunday.
DH is one of those people who is NOT coherent until he has 2-3 cups of coffee in him. Before that coffee, he's a sleepy, grumpy bear. So any "skid time" would be watching DH drink coffee and smoke cigarettes while the news drones on. Right.
If BM is the CO'd CP then the
If BM is the CO'd CP then the kid needs to be with her. If not.... DH needs to get his ass to court and nail her ass to the wall for CS.
BM is apparently getting the best of both worlds. She receives CS as the CP and has no responsibility to raise the kid having dumped that off on you and DH.
Since DH is apparently still the CO'd NCP he needs to send the kid home to BM and go back to the EOWE visitation.
About the only advantage that an NCP has is that they have no legal requirement to actually take their CO'd visitation if they choose not to. DH has handed that advantage to BM along with his CS check.
I completely agree with you.
I completely agree with you. DH is not thinking clearly right now. This is the first time since SS was a little 3yr old boy that DH has had his son with him full time. There is absolutely nothing I can say or do to make him send SS back to BM. So, now we all get to live according to BM's whims. It's lovely.
If DH goes to court to be
If DH goes to court to be stipulated as the CP... he can take all kinds of control. Though he will not be able to force BM to take her visitation time even if he does got to court.
Good luck.
I feel your pain and Gimlet
I feel your pain and Gimlet too.
My skids are SD16 and SS17. I thought it would be easier when older. SD lives with us full time. For whatever reason, SD won't have BM drive her to her activities so DSO has to sit around every Saturday and wait to DO/PU from band practice, then take her to whatever friends house she is going to. It pretty much shoots our Saturdays.
SS17 is not quite right. When he was little, he was DX'd as ADHD, ODD, lack of impulse control and maybe on the Autism spectrum. I can tell that he is definitely on the spectrum. Or maybe he is like BM and severe Borderline. SS can't make friends bc he has to be the best at everything and just gets in your face and argues. So he comes and goes all weekend from BMs.
I have already made it clear, 18yos don't need to visit Dadddyyy every weekend or sleep overs at Daddddyyyy during th eweek.
It will be my hill to kick him out if he allows the man/child to come every weekend.