Annie's right - why hasn't HE filed for divorce himself? 3 years is way too long IMHO. Annie's also correct in that you aren't the kids parents, they already have parents and you're not it. Best to start accepting this now before you start to experience the wrath of BM who will NOT appreciate this line of thinking at all.

As for showing up at your home unannounced - did she tell her hubby she was dropping the stuffed animal off? (and yes - he is still, actually, her hubby).

your BF is still married. Break up and try dating him when the divorce is final..

I understand being separated but not divorced. My divorce took years and years, there was a company and financial issues to sort out.

I didn't read all the replies because some on here are very judgmental about being fully divorced before you even date anyone. They tend to stick on that point and refuse to see your relationship or any problem within it as valid.

Yes, you can be upset that BM shows up unannounced but in this case she called and left texts. So I wouldn't say she was unannounced but she was intruding on your BFs time with his kids.

It is something that he's going to have to work out with her. He's going to have to set boundaries and enforce them.

This is about boundaries. I think what you're looking for is recognition in some way of your role in your family life from your partner's ex. That is unlikely to ever happen, certainly not in a positive way.

First, take a moment to consider what your expectations of the ex are. I suspect you want her to behave like an aunt or neighbour of the children, where ofc she would call ahead, ask permission, and not feel that her views on what the children need is terribly vital to their growth. But she's their mom and she matters a great deal.

That being said, your BF could take this as an opportunity to teach his kids about personal responsibility, and share that with the ex. "Ex, Bobby is getting older now, and I'd like for us to help him become more responsible. I'm making a list of things that he needs to remember to bring with him when we exchange custody. I'll send it with him, and you can add what you think is necessary. One of us can to sit down with him to add anything he wants to remember. Then we can start reminding him to check his list, and remind him that anything forgotten will have to wait until the next exchange."

If your BF and the ex are very contentious that won't work, but BF can do it anyway with his kids. But he does need to then respond to the ex, "Bobby's OK without xyz until the next exchange, but if you're worried just leave it on the front porch and I'll take care of it."

And then he holds the item until the next exchange, and gives it to the kid with a reminder to check his list.

Ultimately, the role you can play is to leave the communication about the kids to your BF and the ex. It's a very difficult boundary to respect, because you feel affected by the behaviour of a third party. But not respecting that boundary leads only to increasing and unresolved stress for you.

bcav - you want positive..... there's no positive in being a step parent, sorry I've been in this path for years.

You want advice, think about this...

These are not your children and they never will be, they will turn on you with the flick of a switch.
BM has all the power, blood is thicker then water, these boys are still very young, belief me when they are 13+ hell will start.
BM will tell them you destroyed her marriage and stole Daddy from them.

Best you can do is to disengage from the BM, she has no reason talking to you or contacting you, simply block her, you where never involved with her, this will make your life much much easier in the future.
Never discipline or parent the boys, leave that all up to BF.... you only talk to him if kids does something upsetting like disrespecting you.... for the rest of it... just be a friendly Aunt and female role model for them,

Set your expectations very low, it will make the disappointment less, teach BF to set boundaries with BM, his time his decisions, her time her decisions. BM can only call certain times and not bombard BF with text messages and calls.
BF will learn to tell BM - butt out of my life, just as you have to learn to tell the boys - Ask your Dad...

Start working on your BF to stop entertaining BM's requests, and take a stand.... keep all your income separately, never do joint accounts, you will understand in 5 years time why we said this. BM will take him for everything and you will end up supporting your BF, his kids and his ex wife, you will become a bitter SM... it's reality...

If you are truly invested in this guy, do the following before you consider marriage, pre-nub, what's yours will be yours only, separate finances at all times, kids have to launch at 19,boundaries with BM, BF sort his divorce out as soon as possible, discuss the fact about more children and how many, get it cleared before taking the ring, house rules and enforcement, kids chores, teaching respect, combined property, testaments, life insurance beneficiaries.... you have to clear all off this before marriage Hon.

Here's some SM's who's BF's promised them yes own kids one day and now that the day is here, the men refuse to have anymore children, cause the ex wives are bleeding them dry....

Step parenting is not an easy path to take... but the choice is yours, and think about what other SM's tell you on this topic, some of us have been doing it for years, we have posters in their 70's on this site and you can learn a great deal from them...step hell never ends..... not even when the children are adults

Divorce is expensive because it's worth it.

I will try to give you some of my perspective on things.

Saying you "share custody" struck a nerve here in part because many of the posters are ALSO Biomoms and would resent a SM that was trying to exert some parental role over their children. So in fact.. these children live with you and DP for 40% of the time and you most likely do quite a bit of the day to day care for them but you don't have custody, their father does.

I am going to probably have a little more leeway on the "not yet divorced" thing. When I separated from my DH (no kids between us)... neither of us rushed out to file for divorce. Why? Maybe we were both hoping the other would spring for the paperwork? Neither of us was going into a new relationship where we wanted to get married...We had just moved across the country and it with all that going on, we didn't prioritize it. I think it was maybe 3-4 years before I finally went ahead and found a lawyer and went through the process and paid for it myself. We had a good separation agreement, and had already divided all assets and separated ourselves physically and financially and both led "single" lives from the point of separation forward.

I understand in some states, having a relationship while still technically married (as I was) can impact divorce proceedings and results, but in my case it didn't make a difference.

My DH had been separated from his wife for about 3 years when we met... but had not finalized the divorce as his EX was refusing to sign and agree on final paperwork. They also had a separation agreement and were both living separate lives. The ex actually had a live in BF when I met my DH. So, in this case... there is NO WAY I could be considered a "home wrecker"... there was no home to wreck.

After a year or so of us dating, my DH finally got her to sign the paperwork (with a nice monetary bribe) and their divorce went forward without a hitch.

Now on to the daily meddling of the EX. You should certainly be able to have boundaries, but I don't see it as a big deal if the lady dropped of a stuffed animal for her kids. I also don't have a problem with a parent wanting to talk with their kid daily by phone/skype as long as it isn't a major interference on the parent who is having custody.

My advice would be to let your DH deal with her. If she pesters with Texts.. or calls, he should set boundaries. Then again, at this juncture as someone else pointed out... not making a lot of waves with her may help move the divorce proceedings along.

I know it's frustrating to have to deal with this 3rd adult in your life. I also had no kids and had my DH's "nightmare EX" to deal with at times. The way I handled it was that I disengaged from HER but not the kids. I just pretty much ignored her to the extent I possibly could because I had NO obligation to her whatsoever. I gave her no power in my life.

If she called multiple times I assume she left a voicemail. Why not just hand the phone to the kid and say, "here call your mom, she wants to talk to you." Then the kid could tell his mom if he really needed the item or not.

Tough crowd.

I am going to skip past the semantics of divorce and custody and who the kids belong to and just say this:

Your SO needs to stop answering the phone when she calls. The more he gives in to her needy behavior, the more she will do it, likely just to piss you off. He can let the calls go to VM, if it's important then he can call her back.

I would be FURIOUS if BM showed up to my house unannounced. Yes, you have every right to be mad about that. Next time your SO is in mediation or court, he needs to have clear cut guidelines pertaining to this placed in the court order.

OP deletes all the advice she doesn't like or doesn't suit her fancy.