SS and church
DH and I recently started attending a new church. We really like it and we brought SS and SD a few weeks ago. They have a children's group so the skids went with other kids their age and did activities instead of sitting through the service. SD really loved it but SS was very hateful and negative about it and said he never wanted to go back (too boring, other kids were "dumb", etc.). (He would rather sit home and play video games). BM does not practice religion or have an opinion either way (although I imagine she leans more toward SS not engaging).
DH is already planning on allowing SS to stay with a neighbor or friend while we go to church next weekend. I admit, I am a little irritated by this because I feel he should not be given the choice,and he should come with us and spend an hour doing something (in my opinion) more constructive. I respect some people may not agree with that, and I have kept quiet and will keep quiet and allow DH to parent as he sees fit. If it were my child, he would be going.
I am just wondering what your thoughts are about giving a 10 year old that choice?
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IMO, 10 Year olds go with the
IMO, 10 Year olds go with the family. No choice
Edited to add But that should be your DH's decision not yours!
This is a very complicated
This is a very complicated conversation.
I am a practicing Christian.. My husband and his ex wife are not. I go to church, baptise my children and we pray (me and my daughters).
I do not in any shape manner or form have an opinion about my step son not doing this. My husband and his ex wife agreed to let the boy decide when he is older which religion he chooses to follow if any. Take a page from my book and leave it well alone.
The children's parents made a decision on religion and it should be abided by and not changed because you practice something different.
What do you hope to
What do you hope to accomplish by him attending? Do you hope that he becomes more religious? Or do you want him to go because you think it's better then him sitting at home playing video games?
Has he attended church before?
I think it would be better
I think it would be better than sitting home playing video games. I also think he has a terrible attitude toward other kids and think the kindness and compassion they teach could be helpful. As far as religion, it is up to him if he wants to embrace it - we don't try to force beliefs onto them so much as just expose them to it and let them decide... if that makes sense.
Thank you. I won't make a
Thank you. I won't make a fuss about it, I already realize I have to leave it alone regardless of how I feel.
I just see his son becoming more angry and hateful lately and it makes me nervous, but I agree there are other ways besides church to get him involved.
I agree, it does need to be
I agree, it does need to be fun. The thing with him lately is everything is "stupid" or he hates it, it is boring, he has a negative opinion about every kid - he is almost turning into a bully. He used to be really sweet. BM put him in a new school and I guess he is "popular" now because he is "funny." "Funny" to him is making fun of people and hating everything. SD is somewhat following his lead.
I get that kids will be judgmental and follow the crowd at times. I am not saying his behavior is extremely abnormal but it still worries me. Especially since DH was a crowd follower to the extent that he got into fighting and drugs at a young age. I know BM "tries" to instill kindness and tolerance in the skids but her boyfriend promotes racism and is small minded and a bully himself...he doesn't always set the good example he thinks he does. I don't want it to continue to get out of hand. Probably not much I can do but a good place to start is getting him out in the community more.
I will mention offering a
I will mention offering a compromise to DH. - Thank you!
I don't think religion should
I don't think religion should be forced on anyone, child or not.
I agree. I don't think anyone
I agree. I don't think anyone should have religion shoved at them - and I am all for the kids coming to their own decision about what they do or do not believe. I am coming at it more from the angle of it is something other than staring at a TV or texting with friends. Just exposing him to something different, for a short time each week. The kids go to a group of other kids the same age and they play games, etc. Of course there is a religious tone to the whole thing but it isn't your typical hour of church (sit, stand, kneel) that was forced on me as a kid. He doesn't "hate" it from a religious aspect, he hates the idea of being removed from his tv.
I took a religion course in
I took a religion course in college. The best part about it was how it opened the eyes of so many people's preconceived and INCORRECT ASSumptions about other religions.
You have done pretty nice
You have done pretty nice neighbors if they'll watch ss every Sunday. Just make sure your husband doesn't abuse friendships that you value by forcing his son on them weekly.
That came up too. His sense
That came up too. His sense of community, having grown up in a small town, is different from mine. I feel he does put the neighbors out, on occasion.
I despised organized religion
I despised organized religion for a long time because I had to sit through Catholic church as a child and never personally got anything out of it. This church, for us, is a lot of fun. A positive thing for DH, too, as the pastor addresses addiction often. Also, great music, great kids activities, great people - across the board. I think that is why I am so irritated about SS being given yet another "choice." I feel if he actually gives the other kids a chance instead of hating all of them and automatically labeling them "gay" or "dumb" - he may find he makes friends and has actual interactive fun.
If it were my kid I would
If it were my kid I would expect him to attend for 2 or 3 months before getting an option to not go, even then if you have to arrange child care for him as he is too young to be in his own then he is out of luck and would just have to keep going until he is old enough to sit at home on his own for a couple of hours. I do think that one Sunday is not enough time for him to make up his mind. If he went for a while longer he might start to make friends or at least learn how to be respectful even if he doesn't like spending time with the other kids.
But we are step parents so we can only gently offer our opinions and not enforce them....
Sigh. Yes, offer our opinion
Sigh. Yes, offer our opinion but not enforce. It is very hard to swallow sometimes. Especially when I did not grow up with a "choice" about every. last. thing.
I am a Christian and my son
I am a Christian and my son was made to go to church. I feel as parents it's your responsibility to make kids go and hope and pray when they get older they will go. As long as my son lived at home he was made to go to church, no questions asked.
I see where you are coming from and I agree with you but SS is not your son so really not much you can do about it except pray for him.
^^I can relate. My parents
^^I can relate. My parents took us to church. Staying home was not an option. They went to church; therefore, their children went to Sunday school/church. Those were our formative years. Our parents' motto when we lived at home was "Our House; Our Rules".
I have 5 siblings and we saw nothing wrong with it. Both of my brothers and my oldest sister still attend church every Sunday. My other sister and I attend sporadically. Being exposed to religion during our formative years gave us an idea of what we were okay with in regards to that particular religion (Lutheran - we're Finns!). As it stands today:
Sibling 1: Lutheran
Sibling 2: Lutheran
Sibling 3: Catholic
Sibling 4: Buddhist
Sibling 5: Lutheran
The 3 oldest siblings have children. All of their children attended church until they were 16, after which they were allowed to decide if they wanted to continue going to church. Their house; their rules.
I believe he shouldn't have
I believe he shouldn't have an option to be exposed to it, but he should have an option as to whether or not he wants to continue going. DH and I plan on taking SD to church, a synagogue, a buddhist temple, etc. a few times when she's young and if she gets older and has an interest in anything specific, we'll encourage her to explore as much as she'd like. It's not right to force it, but he shouldn't get to back out before he's gone a few times.
My opinion is that we all do
My opinion is that we all do things bc we want to raise our children right and grow them into good adults. Proper hygiene, good manners, healthy eating, respect for elders, tidiness, a strong work ethic, financial responsibility...the list goes on and on. Kids like to challenge and rebel against just about anything, that's a given. If attending church is a value that you think will benefit them in their life then by all means enforce it the same you would chores or teeth brushing. But I would also ask myself is it really about having a relationship with God or do I want my family to go to church to get out of the house on Sundays, be part of a community, feel good about your parenting choices, etc. Bc giving your kids a spiritual education and teaching them about God and the Bible doesn't have to be just a Sunday church thing and there are plenty of other ways to join a community and get the kids out of the house and involved in more enriching activities.
Jlbfinch, thank you for
Jlbfinch, thank you for saying what I was totally unable to articulate (only 1 cup of coffee today).
Fruity, of the 5 siblings, my
Fruity, of the 5 siblings, my 3-years-older sister resented going to church.
As for going to church, I don't believe I need to attend church to be close to and have a relationship with God. Some people enjoy the extended sense of family that a church may offer. I have never found that.
You are doing great AJ by not
You are doing great AJ by not getting involved, remember not your children and not your problem...
DH is dealing with this..... if the neighbors say NO, SS can stay at home, but believe me the electronics will all be in the car.... he will not have electronic time on Sundays }:)
I am Jewish so is my DD so
I am Jewish so is my DD so that was never an issue with her attending services. Her dad is Christian (converted to SMs religion, which is fine as he was never practicing Jew and his religion doesn't effect DD), he would never ask but if he did DD to attend church weekly, she would object to regular attendance of church (she does for events).
If a kid isn't Christian, forcing him to attend church will back fire. I'd find something else for him to do. Not video games though. Something nice like help others or intelligent like take a class or read a book
Ps my DD always thought other kids at temple were stupid lol but she still attended Hebrew school and services because she identified with religion and faith etc she was willing to put up with stupid kids. Your SS isn't willing to put up with stupid kids because he sees no value in church attendance. It's not meaningful for him, so why force