Let's try it another way
Half the time I can't tell if I'm coming or going with this whole StepSkid life. SO and I have had many, many issues over the years, and 95% are from having SD14 with us. I have disengaged, re-engaged, disengaged, wanted to run away, etc., etc. It's just so chaotic sometimes.
So being fully disengaged didn't work, as SO was not happy that I wasn't interacting with SD. He wants my interaction, but not my advice or my parenting. So I said ok, let's see how that works. (It means I am nice to SD, I am courteous, I make small talk with her, ask how her day was, etc., nothing terribly hard to do.)
So for the past week this is what I have done. I will not ask her to do dishes, clean her bathroom, or any number of things she is to do around the house. SO is fully in charge of making sure she does her chores, or he can do them himself. I just ignore now. (Easier said than done, because I like things a certain way at home).
We have an understanding that if I cook, someone else does the dishes. So over the weekend I cooked each evening, and washed the dishes I used to make the food. The rest of the dishes? They were piled in the sink. SD waltzed right by the full sink all weekend. SO did the same, then finally did them Sunday night. I said nothing. We have a dishwasher, so I'm baffled as to why they don't put their dishes in, but whatever. Today the sink is full again. And I will say nothing. It's anybody's guess who will do them tonight. Let me say, it bugs the crap out of me to have them sitting there, and that SD has no intent to do her chores/do the dishes like she is supposed to. But, not my problem, right?
Last night SD gave SO her weekly grade sheet, something she does every week, and SO has to review and sign it. Apparently she didn't do so well in her classes/tests this week. SO says, "pause the show I have to take care of something". So he goes into SD's room and I hear him asking her why her grades are so bad (C and D in something) and she is arguing with him. He says the usual, it's not ok, she needs to work harder, try harder, study more, etc. She says, "well not everyone has to get A's and B's, you know". She has the teen attitude down well 
Sadly, SO just mumbled something and walked out. I was halfway surprised, because he talks a good game of wanting her to do well, how important school and grades are, etc., but then he just walks away after her remark? He doesn't want to put the time in to do the hard work it seems. She goes to HS next year, which is much harder.
I predict this just gets worse, she has no interest in school, she has zero extracurricular activities. Her only interest is her friends.
As for SO, I am hoping he wakes up and holds her accountable, but I'm not holding my breath.
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^^^This^^^ I will not cook in
^^^This^^^
I will not cook in a dirty kitchen. DH knows that. If it is my night to cook and I walk in and see dishes and pots and pans in the sink, I turn right around and go back and sit down. It's sandwich night, People. You have the right to request that things are a certain way.
^^^This^^^^ This is exactly
^^^This^^^^
This is exactly how my house runs.
You're all correct, I will
You're all correct, I will tell SO tonight that the kitchen's a mess and someone needs to clean it up. I think I'm more puzzled as to why he won't just tell her to do the dishes, it's such a simple request. Another step mystery.
This crap bugs the $hiT out
This crap bugs the $hiT out of me too. Last night I cooked. SD, DS, DH and I ate. We used fn paper plates. I served the food in serving dishes. 2 pans on the stove. 3 serving dishes. 4 forks 4 knifes. 2 serving spoons, one set of tongs. I finished, give DS my knife and fork to rinse and place in the dish washer. Throw my paper plate in the trash. I go outside and have a smoke. Before I got up from the table DH was finished. SD served herself seconds. By the time I am back in for the 5 minutes to smoke DH and SD are in their bedrooms with the food left on the table. How hard is it to cover the left overs and take them to the kitchen.
I go in the kitchen and start cleaning the pans and serving spoons. DH comes in and says I was just about to do that. Do you want me to finish? I say no. What I really wanted to say is why can't you ask SD to do them. But that would have started a fight.
We are in counseling for this very thing and he is suppose to be starting up conversations with SD while at the table eating or shortly after. Finding out what her life plans are. Asking her to help more around the house. But its easier for him just to check out. Then I have to hear about it if I am pissed because he doesn't make her do shit. Sorry I just vented on your post.
That's so annoying. Our deal
That's so annoying. Our deal is the same. I cook, DH cleans/puts the leftovers away. I'll go out for a smoke expecting him to be started, but I come back in and he's sitting in front of the TV. He's getting better at it, because I explained to him that I know it makes no difference to him whether or not the dishes/clean up is done immediately after or 3 hours after, but it makes a huge difference to me. And marriage is about making sacrifices to keep your spouse happy. I then listed all the things I do, not because I want to, but because I know it makes DH happy, and he started to realize what I meant.
For example, I don't really care if there's school snacks that SD likes in the house. It doesn't make a difference to me and I could easily just buy groceries and leave those out for DH to handle. It's his kid, after all. But I pick them up, and I pick up her favourites, because I know it saves DH time in the morning and helps him avoid having to run to the grocery store in the morning. It's not hard. You do things for your spouse to make them happy. That's what marriage is.
OH yes, bugging out is what I
OH yes, bugging out is what I had been doing before disengaging. The dinner thing is an issue for me, because SO thinks it is ok, for kiddos to eat their dinners, no matter if I have spent a long time and several ingredients preparing, in the freaking living room while watching tv, instead of at dinner table. Then they sit there with dirty dishes in front of them, continuing to watch television. The we have to remind them to please pause their show, and clean up their dishes. So then they leave said dishes in sink, for someone else to do.
I have recently been asking SD10-almost-11 to please wash her own dishes or help me wash all the dishes, because she has been having a growth spurt and is tall enough. I no longer ask SD17 to do anything other than wash her own, because I am sick and tired of hearing her whine about "why do I have to do these, they aren't even mine!!!" She doesn't get the concept of "helping out". She obviously was never taught this concept, so I have left it up to SO to deal with.
Yes, I am looking forward to when SO will finally decide to talk about budgeting, and credit, and JOB, and life after high school.
And I just vented on your vent.
Disengaging, like I have, keeps me from getting po'ed and takes away the argumentations...
Yah - When I started
Yah - When I started disengaging, the SD17 was told by SO that she needed to do her dishes. I don't ask her anymore to do much of anything - I go "directly" through SO. That way, he can get in there, and do all the asking and get all the attitude and complaining, rather than her giving ME attitude and then go behind my back and complains about me, and how I "control" everything, etc.
I would have to agree with the others, OP, and just because you disengage from SKID, you are not disengaging from you DH. He needs to pony up, and be the father of the house. You are the Queen of your castle, do not forget, and SD is the princess, subject to the Queen at all times.
Furthermore, your DH needs to understand that if princess does not do well in school, then she will be hanging around a LOT, and not standing up to her to ENCOURAGE her to do better, is really NOT doing anyone any favors.
I totally get it! That is one
I totally get it! That is one of my pet peeves too, I despise to see dishes in the sink and there is a dishwasher RIGHT THERE!
I sometimes think that men do not know how to handle females - and females pick up on this quickly. When DH and I first got together, each time something didn't go the SD's way there were water works and pouting then DH would back-off from whatever he was trying to get them to do. After I had explained to him that tears and pouting are a form of manipulation he started to see the pattern - and it had started with their mother (rest her soul). He is getting a bit better about all that - but you can still see that he handles the SD's with kid-gloves.
When your SD pushed back about the grades, your DH backed down. Maybe help him to see what SD is doing with her time instead of studying or preparing for school. In our house your grades, or lack thereof, also predicts your freedom and electronics/TV time.
As far as dirty dishes - I have learned to look the other way. Some days this is easier said than done! Yesterday when I got home from work I learned that DH, who was off work for the holiday, had put the dishwasher away. I asked him why, especially since there was a 22 yr old and a 17 yr old laying around the house all day. He didn't have an answer. If he wants to let kids lay around while he does housework, so be it. I was at work all day lol. It's hard to do, especially when your kitchen is a walkway to the other side of the house, but learning to ignore the dishes or look the other way will save you some sanity.
I will mention to SO that I'm
I will mention to SO that I'm not happy with the current condition of the kitchen, and therefore cannot cook if its messy as it has been. Of course all said in a nice way.
Why SD cannot do the dishes when she gets home after school, I have no clue. He wont ask/tell her, so it's on him. He has mentioned he wants her to do all her school work first, but as we see from her declining grades, that isn't happening either.
She comes home, stays in her room all night and is on her phone and laptop. He doesn't think anything of it. He may ask if her homework is done, but that's it. And I'm fairly certain it's usually a lie. But it's not my business to point any of this out. I have done so in the past, and it just causes friction. He knows what he's doing, he says. LOL. I've mentioned my "concern" that she's in her room on the phone laughing and whatever when she's supposed to be studying, and I'm met with "well she is probably talking to her study friend". Ok, whatever. There is an excuse for everything. So now I keep my mouth shut where she is concerned.
Welcome to my world
Welcome to my world lol......
back to the kitchen and dishes - I simply tell SO, sort this out now, I can't cook in this circumstances, he will not dare asking Aergia to clean it.... it's all her dishes cause we both leave at 7 and return at 7...... I do not care if he wants to be his little girls bitch so be it..... as long as the dishes are done
Last night zink filled with dishes, I cooked and washed my plate and the pots, nothing more, not going over there tonight
Back to his usual I see.
Back to his usual I see.
yeah his parenting did not
yeah his parenting did not last 2 weeks lol......
Deep sigh. I hate being right
Deep sigh. I hate being right at times.
we all knew it will not last
we all knew it will not last but a girl can dream can't she lol
more like a freaking nightmare if you ask me
Be sure you tell him how sexy
Be sure you tell him how sexy he was when he confronted the true nightmare.
not talking to him, ignoring
not talking to him, ignoring him till he pulls it together...
he's apologizing but I've heard all before lol....
Ok, when I went home
Ok, when I went home yesterday, there was an even larger pile of dirty dishes in the sink. I took the advice here, and I texted SO and told him that making dinner in a messy, dirty dish filled kitchen was becoming impossible. I cook, and someone else is to do dishes, right?
He says yes, and he would tell SD14 to go do them.
He texts SD14 (who is home also, in her room) and tells her to do them. Then he tells me I can always just tell her myself. And that she needs to start doing more to earn her allowance.
(HAHAHAHA, yeah like I'm falling for that again.)
So then I hear her stomp out there and do them. LOL, poor thing was upset she had to do something
Thanks to all for the advice.
SD actually did what her
:jawdrop: SD actually did what her father asked her to do..... wow there's hope for her...
Aergia would simply ignore SO, or text back... if your whore wants it clean she can do it herself or you....