How near do they live to you? How often do you see them? How often does your future spouse see them or talk to them? Does your spouse stick up for you if someone says something bad or wrong about you? All of these are important factors in determining how much of an impact they might have.

I am lucky the in laws have never lived in the the same town as me and now are a few states away. They also rarely interact with me, and only occasionally talk to my husband. So I can pretty much ignore them these days.

I think it's all relative to your situation.

I used to live thousands of miles away from my DH's parents and things were pretty good, if not great. Now that we live in the same county, I'm the resident scapegoat.

And I totally agree. Some inlaws are a PITA, or will quickly become one, once you don't fit into their narrative of how things should go or be.

I have pretty decent inlaws. Their hearts are in the right place and they have done a lot for their kids and grandkids. That being said, there were times I know his mom did not agree with the way I/we ran our household. Here are a couple of examples.

1. I owned a 3 br home and DH was NCP (except for one year with the younger). We had one room, the girls (3.5 years apart) shared another large room (larger than ours!) and then I had a guest room. His mom thought it was "terrible the girls didn't have their own rooms. She said this when they were like 6 and 10 years old respectively. I shared a room with my brother until I was probably 13 years old.. I saw no reason to dedicate 2 of three bedrooms to kids that were only there for 4-6 nights per month. I also saw no problem with kids sharing a room.. I did it.. it's no big deal.

2. She thought it was also terrible that I made the girls ask us if they wanted something to eat or drink (beyond water). 1. we didn't want them filling up on snacks and not eating balance meals. 2. I didn't want them to eat things that I might have been saving for a certain use elsewhere. (lunches for school/work). When the girls got a little older to a point where they could be expected to be self sufficient, they were told what they could eat and drink without having to ask. Those were the rules in my mom's house.. it's not like we were denying them sustenance!

So, it is normal for inlaws or people's parents to disagree with certain parenting ideas/rules.. but ultimately, the rules are made by the leaders in the house which are the parents/stepparents (collectively). Your DH should absolutely back you up with his parents on things. That being said, I have seen people try to go way overboard with everything being written up as rules and being very unbending.

My mother in law came up to visit once because we were between sitters and we both work. This was right after a promotion at work so I was working 10 or so hours a day from home. I came upstairs to eat and she started talking about how surprised she is that I haven't taken to being a stepmother. She said she didn't understand why I wasn't watching SD...

I told her "I'm her stepmom, yes, but I can't give up work all the time, especially now when I'm at the peak of my career" and she continued on about how i'm not spending time with SD and I haven't since she's been here.... I was like yeah... that's because you're here to watch SD, remember?

Thankfully we barely see her. She has always been pretty judgemental. She's also commented on my shopping and how SD needs this or that, so why am I shopping? Then she said DH should handle the money... This was when we first started living together and weren't anywhere near sharing money.

I made 3x more than DH (boyfriend at the time) and had no kids, so ya, I shopped a lot and didn't really think about what my boyfriend's kid needed because that's all she was at that point... my boyfriend's kid. She had parents to buy her things.

Fortunately DH shuts her down if he's around. But you can imagine how glad I am that I don't have to see her often

Let your SO decide how often or how little you see them. Let them take all the responsibility of communicating, and taking care of their family. This is something I learned too late. There was a reason why DH had a terrible relationship with his mom and that's because she takes advantage of everyone. She had me weed her garden when I was 4 months pregnant, drive her to the airport to visit BM, send the kids over to her house whenever she demanded it, etc. On top of that she would try to make me uncomfortable. I was the only DIL that actually spoke to her on a regular basis and DH's brother will go months without contacting her because she does the same thing to him and his wife.

This was my fault because I didn't grow a spine and let her walk all over me, so of course, while DH and his mother's relationship got better because she stopped taking advantage of him, I became really neurotic and unhappy because she started doing it to me. The pullback from me was not taken well when I finally did grow a spine.

Everyone's family is their own responsibility. I take care of mine, DH takes care of his, and we take care of ours. It doesn't matter that my parents are super nice and don't bother us or DH at all--I still don't ask or let DH handle them. They are mine.

Dupe

Maybe it's a good thing they are moving.... it'll give you some breathing room. However, has anyone said anything about *if* they come back to visit?

Just wondering...

I consider myself extremely lucky when it comes to (my present) inlaws. Shoot, there are days I like them more than I like my DH. My MIL is actually my DH's stepmom but she's been around for a long time (Dh's mom passed away). In fact, during my more difficult steplife when the SK's were younger MIL was ALWAYS knocking heads for me - both my DH's and his kids. It's funny because she seems really ditzy at first but she'll also be the first one to tell you what's what. They moved to warmer climates about 4 years ago, and I sure miss her!

12 years of experience taught me....

never tell in-laws anything about your home life, not when you are sad and say nothing about their son or grand children..... smile and fake it till you make it to look happy in front of them..... they always use it against you if you dare saying anything.

When you visit them - smile and nod.... if skids misbehave remember not your home not your place to say anything, if MIL asks you if it's not bothering you, smile and say - kids will be kids... change the subject

If MIL is complaining about skids not behaving smile and say - oh they are just excited to be here, they never do this at home

Never talk bad about BM in front of any one, not DH, not skids and not in-laws... vent on this site about BM...
you never know when in-laws contacts BM.... I keep to my story - I do not know the woman thus we will not gossip about her, I nip all conversation about BM in the butt.. cause I never know when they will tell me something and tell her I said it...

Never start buying them expensive gifts for their birthdays or Christmas.... keep it cheap from day one....

You are super lucky they are moving several states away!

My MIL busted out a measuring tape to pick out the best room for SS15 when we were house shopping and decided a room for him before an offer was even made on the house. Mistake 1 was that she was even there.

I'll trade you!