Pop Some Popcorn, Sit Back, and Watch the Train Wreck

I haven't posted in a while, but this is what it feels like I'm doing right now. I have a dear friend who's stepping into a shit storm, and there's nothing I can say that will make any difference.

My friend (I'll call her Ann)has been divorced for 8 years and has a 9-year-old son, Chris. She's dated quite a bit this past year, but nothing's worked out. In the past month or so, she's met and gotten to know a guy named "Tom." Tom has a 9-year-old daughter Mary and a 7-year-old son Luke.

Ann's ex, Chris' father, lives a couple states away and sees Chris about 6 times a year. Tom's ex lives local; they share 50/50 custody of their kids. The ex is from another country, and has been thinking of moving back to care for her ill mother.

Oh, and if she does, she'll leave the kids with Tom.

So, Ann and Tom have only been "serious" for a few WEEKS. The kids have all met each other and the other adult. They've done things all together as a family unit. They're talking marriage "in the future" and having an "ours" baby. (Ann is desperate for another child.)

So, Ann is very well aware of my story, the absolute nightmare that was my step situation. But I can't tell her anything.

"Oh, I know it won't be perfect. Nothing's perfect."
"But Tom and I will parent so well together."
"The ex will probably be in another country. She won't be able to affect the kids."
"Chris can hyphenate his last name if he wants to use Tom's. What's his dad gonna care?"

Giiiiiirl........

Slow. The f&^%. DOWN.

This is a SMART lady. She's almost 40 years old, had been on her own all these years, she has a freaking PhD, for crying out loud.

IDK, I just hate seeing someone make the step mistake. Especially with a crazy ex and "SD" who already has constant conflict with her mom. "Oh, it'll get better once her mom moves. I'll be a great mother figure for her."

I'm just...I'm shaking my head here.

Could it work out? Could they have a happy little blended family? Of course they could. Is it likely? Pffft....

Say goodbye to life as you knew it, Ann.

GhostWhoCooksDinner's blog
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She's so in

She's so in LUUUUUUVVVV...

She texted me this morning, "OMG, he just gets hotter every time I see him."

Yeeeeah, Ann, just wait till that wears off. Which it won't. Just ask her.

Yes, because a life partner

Yes, because a life partner should be based on hotness.

IF they last longer than 6

IF they last longer than 6 months, do her a solid and give her this site.

Absolutely! She'll need it.

Oh, Ann, Ann, Ann. Only

Oh, Ann, Ann, Ann.

Only serious a few weeks? I have been visiting a new couch and chair at the furniture store longer than that (and on a regular basis, am probably driving the sales lady nuts). I am still not sure if it's the right set for me and my home.

I am this way too. I seldom

I am this way too. I seldom impulse buy. If I see something I like, I will wait, research it. If I go back to buy it, it was because I needed it, not because I wanted it. I find if I buy something on a impulse, I end up not liking it or not using it anyway.

Lady I just bought a

Lady I just bought a beautiful duvet at IKEA. Love love it. But back to the topic at hand. Folks are u all saying that Ann should not even try? Are these situations always a train wreak. Is there truly no hope

A lot of times, they are a

A lot of times, they are a train wreck. In Ann's case, she seems to be rushing it and has very high expectations of how things will be. I don't think she's looking at it realistically. I don't think she's allowing the time that is needed to REALLY see what the dynamics are that she's getting into. I don't think she's really thinking it through and using her best judgement.

At 40, I just think she would think about it more. She might feel she is running out of time (if she wants a baby) and that's never a good reason to make a decision like this.

Agree. That is very fast!!

Like me with my couch, she

Like me with my couch, she needs to sit on it awhile.

Exactly. She has a very

Exactly. She has a very specific idea in her head of how everything's going to be based on only a few weeks. Of course the kids love her now; she's a novelty. She's not an adult authority figure yet. She's not part of a loyalty bind. Of course all the kids get along. Again, it's a novelty. New playmates. They're not living together yet. She really believes everything's going to go seamlessly based on this. THINGS CHANGE. My skids adored me until about a month after the weeding, when BM decided I was trying to "steal her family" and started the PAS. And Ann's BM is crazy. Out of the country or no, she WILL have influence on her children. If anything, they'll chase her even more because her love is apparently conditional.

I visit it often. I sit on

I visit it often. I sit on it, lounge on it, lay on it. I take fabric samples home (there is A LOT of fabric choices, much to hubby's dismay). I took a few pictures.

I bought throw pillows in an accent color, in various shapes, and took them up there to make sure it looked good (turns out, the floor model happens to be the fabric we want so can do a lot of experimenting!).

I did different arrangements with the different shaped pillows and made sure they were all comfortable. I hate having pillows on a sofa just to have to move them when I sit down because it makes it uncomfortable. I'm sure the sales lady thinks I'm nuts. And she would not be wrong!

My DH is ready to kill me because he has already made up his mind.

Hey, I did the same thing with him before making THAT decision, he just didn't know it!

It's baby, AND a "father

It's baby, AND a "father figure" for her son, AND "siblings" for her son...and...and...and.

Freakin' Ann...

your right, it's possible to

:jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:

your right, it's possible to work. dh and i were even quicker. but wow, just wow, talking about an "ours" baby and a full-custody blend already? wow.....

DH had a friend like "Tom,"

DH had a friend like "Tom," Tom's fiance wanted a baby and Tom pretended to go along with it. Tom went to the Dr. and got the snip leading on fiance for months by "trying" for a baby. Tom ended up breaking it off w/out telling poor fiance anything. DH's friend Tom turned out to be a read d*ck!

Why he was upfront with DH and not his fiance is beyond me.

Most men don't need the "us" baby. I wonder how onboard with this TOM really is?

Sounds like Ann is in the

Sounds like Ann is in the infatuation stage of her relationship.

http://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/romantic-love/relationship-stages

UMMMMM.... Ignore some of the

UMMMMM.... Ignore some of the links on that page....... :O The link "Top 50 kinky ideas for a sexy relationship" is a little x-rated and somewhat disturbing......

(No subject)

I was wondering why it's

I was wondering why it's blocked on my work computer. I can get into just about everything but the fun x-rated stuff. }:)

I should of had my rate

I should of had my rate sittings turned on...
I can't un-see what I read.... :jawdrop:
I'm also going to have to clear my cache and delete all cookies as I will most likely be getting a lot of unwanted pop ups...

i know "to each his own" but

i know "to each his own" but i could not imagine looking at her after reading that. i would be severely disturbed if a minor child under my roof was in possession of those writings. the sexual exploration of one's stepkids is not something ANY stepmom should EVER be exposed to.

see? even jasper relaying that information here has forever seared it into my consciousness!!!

It's seared into my mind too.

Ann sounds like my sister,

Ann sounds like my sister, Ghost. She met a guy, with two teenage mini-wives, less than a year ago. He lives with his parents. He has a high-conflict ex that lives two blocks away. The ex forbade him from taking my sister on vacation to his families place in another state. When that happened I told her to "run for the hills" and proceeded to predict everything else that has happened. She stuck it out for a bit. Broke up with him. Less than a week later he weaseled his way back in. Less than three weeks after that they got engaged. Now he's convinced my sister to sell her historic home ($200,000) and move to his town to buy a house with him and his princesses. I've tried everything I can to convince her this will not end well, but she's so "much smarter than I am, she's not insecure, and her man will draw boundaries with his ex". Sure... Keep believing that delusion. Disaster awaits...

Except...except...Ann's "SD"

Except...except...Ann's "SD" won't be under her mother's influence once her mom's gone! And Tom is PERFECT! OMG.

:sick:

I like my popcorn with LOTS of butter. Make it a jumbo tub!

I'm seriously about to kidnap

I'm seriously about to kidnap my sister and hire a professional to "deprogram" her. She's out of her ever-loving mind. I could give you all more details but I don't want to hijack the thread. But, honest to God, this guy is no prize. And he's systematically been isolating her from her family and friends for the last year, but she can't see it because they are so in luvvvvvvvvv. :sick:

Yikes! Not good.

Yea, he's a classic control

Yea, he's a classic control freak. Red flags abound. I used to see her at least every two weeks. I have not seen her in person since August. And we live in the same city. He's completely cut her off from our parents. And he has her seeing a therapist (one he hand picked) because she has "trust issues" and "mommy issues". :jawdrop: Funny, she's 50 and never had "mommy issues" before this douche canoe showed up... Something is rotten, I tell you.

Oh Ann knows exactly what she

Oh Ann knows exactly what she is doing. What has happened to everyone else won't happen to her because after all she is Ann and she knows better and is smarter and wiser then everyone else.

And he is hot, don't forget

And he is hot, don't forget that.

And that's all that matters!!

And that's all that matters!! That bod....

Boy, have you got Ann pegged!

She really does think that way.

The universe LOVES teaching

The universe LOVES teaching people like that a lesson. Time to get schooled, Ann.

Yes it does! LOL!

Ann's PhD is in child

Ann's PhD is in child psychology, so she knows exactly what to do for 9-year-old Mary to fix the damage her psycho BM has done and will continue to do. Ann plans to be the primary female adult figure in Mary's life.

Except, in her infinite wisdom, she should know that no one can replace Mary's mother. And as Mary grows into her teen years, she'll hate Ann for being everything her mother is not.

And Ann will give and give and give, and do everything for this girl, only to have the girl flip her the bird and run out of the country to live with her mom. And Ann will feel like the world's biggest fool.

of course, if Ann's long-awaited baby turns out to be a girl, the problems will begin immediately, I'm sure.

And you know that BM will

And you know that BM will miss her kids eventually and have them "visit" perhaps never returning them to Tom. Oh but that never happens in multi country step situations right?

I definitely hope she's one

I definitely hope she's one of the exceptions, but I think she's moving waaaaay to fast and not seeing reality.

So how many of you would have

So how many of you would have headed the advice being given to Ann and run?

I'm in full agreement with everyone here, Ann is fooling herself and only seeing what she wants to see but are we any different?

Some people can be told the fence is electric and that's enough warning to stay away. Some people have to touch the fence, just to be sure and then there are those who'll pee on the fence because no one is going to tell them how to live their life!

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Pop Some Popcorn, Sit Back, and Watch the Train Wreck

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