You Ladies Are Helping Me. For Real.
Quick anecdote. I really believe I am changing and finding my spine.
Small thing, but big for me.
We live in a 2-bedroom cottage with a finished basement. One bedroom is the master bedroom, and the other bedroom is my office. DH has an office in one half of the basement, while the other half was transformed into a room for skids (when they were little) and then updated throughout the years with curtains, new bedding, rugs, etc. It's homey.
When the skids were little, all three stayed down there. Then, OSD took my office (which has a nice daybed in it) EOWE and I locked all my papers in the bookcase / closet. OSD quit coming over, and YSD took the office. I've always hated sharing...but what can you do? I dealt with it just fine for 7 years now, even though I found it disruptive.
Now, SS doesn't come over any more and it's just YSD. Last visitation we switched it up and she came during the week since we were going out of town for her weekend. We had fun, but I told DH she had to take the basement room since it was a midweek visit...I wasn't going to give up my office.
After she left, we discussed redoing the basement room again to make it all hers...and me being able to make the office all mine...and that's where we left it.
Well. SD is coming today...DH about to go get her from school. He comes upstairs and peeks his head into the office where I'm working...sees my mess (I keep a messy desk...and floor...it's a sign of genius) and frowns. Says something about needing to get everything put away before SD gets here.
Me: "No. SD is taking the basement room from now on, remember? I have work to do in here tonight and early tomorrow morning."
DH mumbles something about not having talked to her about switching the arrangements yet...hemming and hawing, obviously waiting for me to jump up and say: "Oh! Well then I'll pack it all up right away!"
Instead, I remembered my ST training. I just looked at him and said: "You'll have plenty of time to tell her on the way home from school. I'm not giving up my office any longer."
I mean...honestly. We have a perfectly good bedroom with multiple beds for sleepovers, etc. in the basement. Why should I give up my space when we're down to one kid coming over?
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Thank you both. I FEEL
Thank you both. I FEEL unreasonable. But, the truth is, I have tax stuff that absolutely HAS to be done by Monday, so the weekend is non-negotiable. I am tired of making sure everyone else is good and then burning the candle at both ends because I gave something away that I should not have given away.
Good for you...it is your
Good for you...it is your home too...
Brava! And just because it
Brava!
And just because it doesn't feel right, doesn't mean it isn't right. It just means you're modifying an ingrained behavior, which involves discomfort and time.
I suspect many, MANY of us STalk members have issues with codependency. I know I do.
DH mumbles something about
DH mumbles something about not having talked to her about switching the arrangements yet
So what? Like you said, he can tell her when he picks her up.
DH and I were just talking about how when we were kids, we did not get a say in things. Our parents told us how it was going to be and that's how it was.
You are not being unreasonable. There is a perfectly good space for her in the basement and that makes more sense than you having to scramble around, locking up your stuff when she comes over.
He did, and it went well. I
He did, and it went well.
I know he's trying. My fear is that the resentment has really built up over the past year..or maybe even for longer. I have am exit strategy and money saved away. I really love him, but I hate step life, even though the kids are older now.
The basement has a door to
The basement has a door to the outside.
very proud of you for
very proud of you for standing up for yourself..... so how did SD take it?
lol. She was totally fine.
lol.
She was totally fine. DH was the only one who was whiny and weird about it.
He actually took her to work after school on Friday, then, when she got home, we all watched a show together. He didn't tell her until the moment the show was over and she said she was headed to bed.
DH: "Oh yeah...SD. You're going to be taking the basement room."
SD: "Oh. OK!"
DH: "You may need to get sheets."
SD: (GROAN)
Me: "Actually, I think there are sheets on one of the beds."
DH: "Do you want me to make up your bed for you?! I'll make it up for you! Pick out your sheets and hand them to me!"
So SD went to the closet to pick out her sheets and tossed them downstairs to DH, who literally made the bed for a 16-year-old. Even though there was a perfectly good made-up bed down there. But whatever. I got my space...and not my monkey, as they say here on ST.
Also, to be fair to DH, I think he could tell I was worn out by all the activity he signed us up for this weekend (work being done on the house Friday & Saturday, SD going hither and thither to Christmas parties and such on Saturday, helping SD make food for the parties and burn CDs for her friends, a friend event Saturday night, taking OSD and her boyfriend to a special event screening Sunday afternoon, dinner and Christmas tree with other two skids Sunday night). So, anyway, he planned and cooked dinner and managed both skids & the tree Sunday night so that I could be back in my office organizing my week. Good thing, because I was feeling over-extended and fed up.
ah I just don't get it... why
ah I just don't get it... why do these men think their 16 year old daughters can't do a thing for themselves...
sometimes I will watch SO and Aergia and plenty of times I told SO - just stop it ok, she's 17 not effing 7....
then I get why Aergia is starting to scream.... e.g she will come down for dinner 2 hours after dinner, grab her plate and start eating, SO will go on and on about she needs to warm it first... dammit if she does not want to warm it leave it.. it's her choice..