Phew... a strange calm has settled over Breakingthrough's home this evening.

It has all come to a head. I have been so upset, overthinking and emotionally wrecked the last few weeks. I have actually hated SS20 because of my gagging order against him and lack of understanding from my DH. DH and I have drifted on, our therapy has not improved anything and we have ended up resenting each other.

So I think I must have subconsciously decided to bring things to a head. I wrote a pro-con table this morning, with the options for our future: 1) Continue as we are (non-option, will lead to me leaving), 2) Me move out, 3) SS20 move out or 4) Rational discussion involving taking my feelings into consideration (as well as SS's), compromise, love, understanding.

I also wrote a list of things I'd like: 1) Tidiness around the farm, 2) Tidiness inside the caravan optional; but an understanding that if not in a fit state for sale when vacated I am owed purchase price, 3) Politeness (not sneaking up on me, knocking when wanting to enter my home, asking when wanting to use my facilities eg washing machine, informing us if girlfriends/friends etc coming over, not dumping stuff (cars) everywhere unless asked first and 4) Some financial appreciation if not contribution - me present a bill for a third of the utilities that we pay, for example.

I gave it to DH and said it was a starting point for us to have a discussion; he looked it all over and put it down/ignored it/closed his eyes. I asked what he thought and he stared into the distance for a good minute in silence. I asked again, but he ignored me.

Calmly I said - "I will go and look for somewhere to rent then. Would you be prepared to look after the animals we have here, or do I need to think about finding somewhere for them?"

That's when he exploded, ripped up my inner thoughts and threw them at me, shouted at me he was moving out.

While he got his stuff together and told his son that he was leaving so he might have to leave too, I informed him that if he was leaving it gave me the right to finally talk to SS20. I took his storming past as affirmation, and gave SS my list of wishes, telling him it was a starting point for discussion and that is why Dad is moving out. SS read it, then came back to me and said I was not a bitch, that all the points seemed reasonable - except the paying us anything. He earns less than I thought (still a fair amount, £800 a month) so said he would find it very difficult to find any spare money. I discussed that renting somewhere nearer work would be cheaper than his diesel, but he said 'I can't, my friends and social life are down here'. I didn't push it as we were doing so well. I explained that I was happy for him to be my guest, but he needed to act like a guest, not a squatter - I told him I couldn't live here like this any more and he took it on board (dare I say it - like an adult!!).

Meanwhile DH stomped round like a spoiled child gathering his belongings. I told him he didn't need to go, that SS and I had sorted it out... He left.

I feel strangely elated. I don't mind living here with SS20 if we can come to a mutual agreement. I would actually prefer him to DH sometimes who is messier and worse with his money than his son... I am quite scared it is these traits, not his son I am so upset by? Anyway for now I am a pregnant lady with no Mum or family who has just forced her husband to walk out on her, what a bitch. I so wish I could drink right now...