History - Adult stepdaughter (40 ish) stopped talking to us about seven years ago when she didn't get some of husbands inheritance. Except for numerous adult temper tantrums and name calling over the phone there has been little if any contact with her father over the years. The only exception being whenever she needed services at no charge performed by dear old dad. In our last ( and only) phone call about 4 years or so ago, adult step called me names, told me I was a horrible person, informed me I was nothing to her, accused me of keeping her father from her even after he personally tod her that wasn't true but claimed she had rights to my children at the time because she shared blood. I disengaged and have not dealt with her in years except for peripheral drama she kept causing by her continued attempts to interfere in my children's lives over the years and her and her brothers periodic tirades with their father. I have enjoyed not having to deal with her drama.

Issue at hand - my children are adults now (20 ish). Stepdaughter was never close with them even before the fallout some years ago. However, Adult 40 SD is still determined to push a relationship. My oldest recently got engaged which seemed to be just another catalyst to set SD off again.

I held an engagement party for my daughter and her fiancé in my house. We did not include SD or her brother on the guest list. SD was attempting to arrange a meeting with my children that weekend ( they haven't met up as of yet and I really don't know if they want to do this) so In doing so I assume she saw some social media posts about the Party.

Of course the predictable happens. She sends my child and my husband poor me texts. However in my husbands text she goes further accusing me of hating her and making her appear to be nothing presumably because she wasn't invited. She tells my husband that I had "won" years ago, that I'm a horrible person, that I hate her, and wonders how I can sleep at night - all because I did not invite her to a party for my child and her fiancé that I had at my house. SD conveniently forgets that she caused all of the drama that led to my disengagement to begin with. Now it's only because I hate her. She's the pathetic victim in all of this and she's saying I am evil and orchestrated everything against her just because I hate her. I have never told her anything ugly even when she repeatedly called me names and threw accusations at me. It is interesting to me that she equates not being invited as me making her not "count" or "invisable" It seems like she is trying to make a party that had nothing to do with her all about her and her issues with her dad which she can't seem to resolve.

Keep in mind that she and her brother have a history of disrupting family wedding events in the past over perceived slights that she or her brother felt they suffered. For example they disrupted an engagement party and a rehearsal dinner of one of their cousins because they weren't invited to one of them and because they felt the family had done more for the cousin than it did when they married. I dread inviting them to anything wedding related for my child because I simply do not want the drama and I know they will not be happy that 20 years earlier their parents did not do what I am able to do for my child today. I feel this will be the inevitable result because they repeatedly have expressed jealousy in the past of what I do for my children - even though they were middle aged adults at the time. It is also seems extremely hypocritical to me since SD actually sent us an invitation to her wedding many years ago but then called my husband and told him NOT to GO.

It was planned to invite the adult steps to the wedding only ( there will be a security guard there) . It was agreed amongst my family that they would not be invited to the more intimate parties and showers because no one wants their drama and there are no guarantees that they will behave and not start something. I am the one footing the bill for my child's wedding so I felt this was more than generous on my part especially since we want to enjoy the events and not deal with their drama.

Upon discussing the texts, My child suggests her father contacting SD and asking her if she really expected to be invited to a party in someone's home with the level of hostility she has openly expressed for that person and the fact that she's never made any attempt to apologize or change anything in all of this time. It was also suggested that her father should tell her that she only makes the entire situation worse by continuing to send the accusatory emails she just sent. I thought it was very good advice and passed this message on to my husband.

It remains to be seen whether he will follow through. I doubt it as he immediately wanted to rope me into meeting with her with him. I told him absolutely not.

I know that his refusal to address this behavior from the adult steps in the past is why their drama continues every time someone in our family does anything. So I remain firmly disengaged.

I guess what I would like opinions on are. 1. Would you have left them off of your guest list in this situation,
2. Would you follow through and not invite them to the more intimate events given their past history and now their recent behavior, 3. Would you now keep them on the wedding invitation list?