CO-SLEEPING someone send me a link to a study that proves it is not healthy!
I can't find a good article or any good research regarding co-sleeping with a stepkid.
I woke up and once again found that SS9 had weasled his way into the bed and DH allowed it. I lost my shit and said I am moving out if it happens again! He does not respect my boundaries! Enough is enough!
Our former therapist actually told us she "saw nothing wrong" with the co-sleeping. I was rendered speechless.
I have read a lot of mixed opinions on the topic. Some moms appear to be all for it.
Maybe if it was my bio kid it would be fine, but I still think an almost 10 year old needs to self soothe himself to sleep. With my luck the kid will be fucking 18 laying in my bed if I don't stop this once and for all.
I don't think I ever slept an entire night with my parents as a kid. It is very odd to me.
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Most people won't be swayed
Most people won't be swayed on their opinion by facts or will just raise some other study that counters the findings in yours. Stop sharing a bed with your husband. Make him sleep in the kid's bed if he is so desperate to sleep together. If he refuses, sleep on the couch. Actions not arguments will win this.
exactly.
exactly.
Yes. ^^^ this. Do you have
Yes. ^^^ this. Do you have family with kids? Invite them for a weeks worth of sleepovers. Friends with kids? Sleepover time. Show him how it feels.
I think there is a HUGE,
I think there is a HUGE, GINORMOUS difference between co-sleeping with a biological child and co-sleeping with a random child.
BS6 will maybe once a week or so wake up in the wee morning hours and come and crawl into bed with us. I have no problem with it, because he's my son, I love him to pieces and know that him wanting to be with us won't last long. BUT if SS came and crawled into bed with us? I'd flip shit! It's just not appropriate in this day and age to have a child that is NOT yours sleeping in the same bed as you. Not to mention the things that a vindictive, BM and/or skid could say about it down the road.
No freaking way. That therapist is a moron.. glad he was your 'PRIOR' therapist.
^^ Yup, nailed it.
https://www.psychologytoday.c
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/savvy-parenting/201403/the-impact-c...
Thank you I am sending him
Thank you I am sending him this.
What exactly do you mean by
What exactly do you mean by attachment parenting? I know some people use the term to mean keeping the child physically in their arms or in a wrap or carrier as much as possible while the parent is awake. I've often wondered how a baby learns to roll over or sit up, walk or crawl when the parent restricts movement. Or at least, to what extent development is delayed. And I really wonder when, or if, the kid ever gets to develop a sense of self.
I originally understood attachment parenting to mean parenting based on creating the circumstances for the child to form a secure attachment, based on Bowlby & Ainsworth's (seperate) research. Which is what I try to do. Giving my kind my support and encouragement in her endeavours, even when my gut is clenching and I want to shout, "Noooo! That way lies dragons!"
Most important, as always, is
Most important, as always, is that families/parents do what is best for them, in the situation they live in.
I couldn't have done what you did. I was older when I became a parent, and there's something deeply confronting about becoming a parent for the first time when you're older. I suspect it's because you've had a chance to settle into yourself and think you know things, and then BOOM, baby comes and everything's up in the air. For me, I found pregnancy and, in hindsight, about the first year of DD's life almost traumatic - physically and emotionally. I am now very glad that DH and I both felt strongly that DD have her own space at night, and us ours. She slept through the night very quickly, and that helped us give our relationship the space to continue to connect.
We sacrifice so much for our kids, lots of tiny sacrifices all day long, but we all have to find our own way to keep our sanity and to keep from sacrificing too much. I live with chronic pain, and for many women, breastfeeding hurts like a mofo. After two weeks, I was so angry every time DD cried that I just had to stop. She needed to eat, and she didn't need a mother who was furious about how painful it was to meet that need. Thankfully we live in a world with formula. That helped a LOT.
Interesting that you mention giving your kids a sense of security that you didn't feel. That's exactly what I'm working on myself. I used to be afraid I couldn't give DD unconditional love because I didn't get it (and I used to try to be the 'perfect' mother instead). But now I realize, I can give it to her. I might not know what it is, or understand it, but I can make sure her life is filled with love and praise and encouragement and structure.
We practice AP with DD 18
We practice AP with DD 18 months as well. Its worked well for us, but it's not for everyone.
Yeah, I tried 'wearing' DD
Yeah, I tried 'wearing' DD but it was inconvenient as how do you carry the purse, the diaper bag, the baby, the winter coat borrowed from DH to go over it all, and then also the groceries? DD was carried a lot, sometimes in her baby bouncer, but you know, the first 5 months or so before they sit up goes so fast, and she was big, so by then she was out of the bassinet and into the stroller anyway. Which she preferred, as then she could look around at the world!
She also loved the baby-gym (is that what it is called in English), where she could lie down and kick or reach for things? We didn't have anything electronic, just hanging toys. Man, she loved that thing. No wonder she slept well!
fact of the matter is, you
fact of the matter is, you are not comfortable with it. your dh should respect that, regardless of any reason why. at the same time, you need to also respect his viewpoint on the matter. if he finds cosleeping important to him, suggest he sleep in the child's room.
i personally cant STAND cosleeping, even when i was a child i acknowledged the importance of my parents' privacy and personal comfort zone (or 'haven') away from everything else. dh did not want to change it as that is what he and the boys were used to. oss and lurch grew out of it naturally, but we STILL have issues with kaos (stb 13).
Cosleeping is a parenting
Cosleeping is a parenting choice. A choice some agree with while others disagree with it. It's very common in some cultures.
I don't have an issue with cospleeping, however I'm with you 100%. Not because I think it's wrong, harmful...
I'm with you because I think you need to protect yourself from BM using this as an excuse to file sexual abuse charges against you.
For me the issue would be protecting the step parent from having his/her life turned upside. That may work better than throw research at him that basically criticizes his parenting style.
Yes! I sleep bra-less and in
Yes! I sleep bra-less and in short shorts! This is a 9 year old boy who makes filthy comments to his cousins about porn hub! I heard this with my own ears. He is starting to hit puberty! It is nonsense that DH does not see it and very hurtful. It is not his parenting style it is his guilt that he knocked up a woman twice, didn't marry her and now coddles this child to make up for not being a full time, in the home father.
THIS!!! DH never understood
THIS!!! DH never understood why I would get pissed whenever I would wake up in the early morning to SS8 crawling in the bed talking baby talk to guilt daddy. Uh...maybe because we have been accused and investigated for sexual and physical abuse from this kid?! Oh, but his mommy makes him say that stuff and he doesn't get much time with him and enjoys snuggling with him. I get that. Go snuggle somewhere else for the love of God, not OUR bed!!! I sleep in a big t shirt and panties!!! I keep my bottoms by the bed so when the boys wake up, I slip them on before leaving the bedroom. Sooooo creepy feeling. But I'm the bitch. Whatever. Lol
Can you set up SS to have
Can you set up SS to have lots of sleep overs with his friends where he will not want to sleep in your bed and might eventually get out of the habit? The other thing I did when Sd was still using a pacifier at night at age 5 was to start asking her when she was going to stop using it and telling her that it is something babies do and asking when she was going to be a big girl and stop. BM and my husband wanted to let her stop when she chose. She eventually said she would stop when she was 6, a couple of months before her 6th birthday. So I kept on reminding her that is what she said and sure enough in her 6th birthday she stopped using it without any fuss. Not sure how that type of tactic would go down in your house. I still prefer just kicking your husband out of your bed.
I suppose I could present
I suppose I could present this as an option but we do not know the parents of SS's friends. BM is one of those moms who does not allow them to see friends or do extracurricular activities so they live a sheltered existence.
What's sex? We are on the one
What's sex? We are on the one once every few weeks plan these days. Even when we were trying to get pregnant he was too busy spooning his precious son to schedule me in.
The kid is fragile. A nervous, odd, nail biting creature. If he could handle it, I would poke fun. What he needs is a father to show him some tough love.
DH suddenly "understands" and "loves me deeply" and "doesn't want me to go anywhere" but my issue is that is has taken me having serious meltdowns to get him to remember that my opinion matters. How is that LOVE?
co-sleeping with your own kid
co-sleeping with your own kid is one thing.
Co-sleeping with your kid and a woman to whom you are married but who is NOT the parent of said kid?
Could get one arrested.
It's GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think that's a great idea.
I think that's a great idea. It could as simple as this:
"Hey DH I'm going to sleep naked tonight."
"Uhhhh....durrrr....but what about the kids?"
"Oh yeah I would definitely not want them to see me. That's why I locked the door. Night honey."
Do it every single night if you have to.
What counselor said it was
What counselor said it was okay, if they knew you were uncomfortable with it? I hope not a marriage counselor, because if it was you need a new one. A child therapist may say they see nothing wrong with it, but a marriage counselor shouldn't say that if they know someone's uncomfortable with it. There are so many studies to back up both sides, I'll look through & repost if I find anything on step parents with step kids, but play him that movie with Meryl Streep & Liam Neilson. Maybe that'd change his mind. They both need to go into another room. Close & lock the door at night. That's how I stopped SD from coming into our old bedroom in the am. I didn't even ask my DH, I just started doing it after telling him I was uncomfortable. Sleep naked & make sure your guy knows you are. No sex until it stops.
I can't find any studies on
I can't find any studies on steps, this isn't a study but a really interesting article on older kids cosleeping. http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/7773538
Kramer vs Kramer is the movie
Kramer vs Kramer is the movie & liams not in it.
I don't know if I've ever
I don't know if I've ever seen it. I'm going to have to watch it now, without DH!
He compares it to my
He compares it to my beautiful, perfect and amazing bulldog that sleeps in the bed with us. I asked him initially if he minded the dog in the bed and he wanted her there too. So it is far from the same thing.
Offer him a deal. The dog and
Offer him a deal. The dog and SS leave the bed. Buy your dog a wonderful doggie bed and train him to use it. He trains SS to sleep in his own bed.
She is beautiful. I love
She is beautiful. I love dogs, all dogs. Mine is truly my little daughter, my most faithful companion, the love of my life. She is my biggest stress reliever.
Once, my SD (when she was a
Once, my SD (when she was a teen) was laying ON my bed, on top of the comforter, and I was not happy about it, much less her being IN my bed. No, no, no.
First, you have every right to say who does NOT come into your bed. And a boy who is not related to you, who is starting to go through puberty, no less, has no business in your bed.
If you told DH that you will move out if it happens again, do you plan on following through if it does happen again?
Yes I SURE DO. I am done
Yes I SURE DO. I am done being ignored.
Yup!! That's exactly what I
Yup!! That's exactly what I was going to say. Just go to bed nude from now on.
Co-sleeping with any 10 year
Co-sleeping with any 10 year old is just not right. Doesn't matter if it is your biological (which we all do like cuddle time) or with a skid. At 10 years old, cuddle on the couch - not your marital (or re-marital) bed.
I am somewhat new here and totally think there should be "LIKE" buttons on some comments lol! There really are some great comments and advice! It's just weird to co-sleep with a skid.
It's right if that is the
It's right if that is the parenting choice the family makes.
As others have pointed out,
As others have pointed out, co-sleeping with your biological child is a parenting decision that works for some and doesn't work for others. Allowing a non biological child to sleep in your bed is asking for problems. Tell him you aren't comfortable, that's all that should matter.
I don't think you need a good
I don't think you need a good article validating how you feel. If you don't think its healthy, kosher or acceptable to have your stepkid in the bed than that's all you need. If you're not comfortable with it, you have to stick to your guns. I don't think co-sleeping with kids is cool at all and this is coming from someone who used to do it. It was a nightmare to undo. Never again.