DH telling OSD he doesn't want to be around her DH.
DH met OSD's DH maybe one time before she got pregnant they moved to another state 6+ hours away and got married. DH was not invited to the small ceremony that took place at their trailer because BM was there.
OSD and her DH lived there for about 3 years. During this time they came to visit for week + long vacations but would stay with BM and stop by and see DH for 30 minutes tops. This happened maybe 2 or 3 times. Mostly for DH to work on their vehicle before they drive back to their state.
They had 2 kids (back to back) and if you believed FB you would believe they were totally in love and happy.
DH LOVED to talk about how good they were doing. Me, I had my doubts. No proof just a "feeling". Like I know bullshit when I see it. Of course my DH wouldn't want to see any of that.
Well fast forward to now. They moved back to our state last year when OSD was running from the law for stealing from her work.
SS moved in with us for a bit and filled DH in about OSD DH's. What he is really like.
DRUG ADDICT
THIEF
WOMAN BEATER
USUALLY UNEMPLOYED
So OSD's DH recently beat her up and she pressed charges, got a restraining order and told everyone she was getting a divorce.
Well yesterday she called DH and told him her DH is back living with her, he now has 2 jobs and everything is fine.
She wanted to know if DH wanted to hang out 4th of July.
DH told me that he told her, no not with your DH.
Totally legit, I get it. I didn't want to be around this guy- BEFORE- I know half of the stuff I know about him. So I can imagine how DH feels about him.
It's kind of a "weird" (for lack of a better word) thing though that OSD has refused to be around me because she doesn't like me. And now here we are with DH refusing to be around her DH because he doesn't like him.
Not sure how this is all going to play out. More drama I am sure. I don't condone violence at all. I just have a feeling it's always going to be something. Their lives are such a mess.
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Yeah I'm on the fence about
Yeah I'm on the fence about the whole thing.
Being honest part of me is like F her. She's caused me nothing but grief. I could care less what happens with her. I want to stay out of the drama and not deal with any of it- disengage.
But then there is the other part of me...
I remember when I was with Ex and my sister and BIL were so opposed to him (for legit reasons) but it made me feel even more isolated. I was dealing with his b.s. and then being shunned by my own family.
I definitely think DH needs to be more supportive of her to give her the confidence to leave this loser.
I think DH will back further away from OSD. They don't have a very good relationship right now but I think this will make it even worse.
And I'm thinking... ugh I dont want to get involved. Or really even talk to him about it. Ignorance is bliss for me. My only way to be happy in all of this.
I hope she wisens up. Sad
I hope she wisens up. Sad thing BM supports OSD and her decision. I guess over the winter time OSD cheated on her DH (not sure if talking cheating or more) and BM told OSD DH about it and they got into it and the DH put his hands on OSD then. BM loves the drama and for some reason she loves OSD's DH, even when he is acting like this.
Not sure how BM feels now about the latest situation but as long as BM gives her "support" I think OSD will stay.
Shoe on other foot, so if you
Shoe on other foot, so if you are not in an abusive relationship it is completely okay for a daughter to turn her back on her father just because she doesn't "like" her step mom? Seems like some type of emotional abuse, withholding your love from your father because he loves a woman that you don't see fit but it totally happening to many people on this board.
I treat people like they treat me, if they are "sick" (battling addiction, abusive relationship, alcoholism, etc.) I will give them a few extra screw ups then I would a person who wasn't "sick" but at the end of the day I will not be someone's drama whipping post because they don’t take the steps to get better or they don’t take the steps to get away.
I think in a way this is how
I think in a way this is how DH feels. That OSD is choosing to stay in this relationship. He was so proud when she told him she was getting a divorce and it was the last time her DH would put his hands on her. So I think he thinks, she got the restraining order lifted, she let him back in the house. She obviously knew DH was going to be upset about it since she talked to him about it.
Leaving the door open to help
Leaving the door open to help OSD when/if she wants to separate/divorce her husband does not mean that her father has to spend time with her abusive husband.
We have the door open to OSD. We would gladly help her separate herself from her abusive husband, but she has to want to separate. She has to stop denying his abuse. She has to stop denying that he was not guilty because he pled no contest.
She did leave him once. Her father, DH, helped her find an apartment, and moved furniture in. Her aunt paid first, last, and security deposit. She was there three weeks and went back to him, leaving all the furniture in the apartment.
The abusive husband is not allowed in our home. He is not allowed in the aunt's home. If we run into them in the area we will be civil, but we do not initiate meetings.
We will help OSD if she actually wants to separate herself from him, but only she can make that decision. She left him the first time because children's services told her that if she didn't she'd lose custody of her son. She went back and lost custody.
If she genuinely wants to leave we will help her. We will not spend time with the abusive husband. If we spent time with him she would take it as approval of him.
We call her. We always hope she'll be ready to grab the hand held out to her. So far the answer is no.
To me, it's different, the
To me, it's different, the reason that your DH doesn't want to hang out with OSD's husband. The guy beats your DH's daughter.
One Christmas, my sister's car broke down on the way to our city. She called her ex-husband, who used to beat her, and he offered to drive her the rest of the way here. So, she told my dad that ex would be joining us for Christmas because he was doing her a favor, since her car broke down.
My dad is a NICE guy but he told her there was no way that that guy was stepping one foot in his house. No man who beats his daughter is welcome in his house nor does he want to be around him. Period.
Big difference than OSD just "not liking" you and not even being able to muster up a tiny bit of respect for her dad and his wife.
Right. I know there is a big
Right. I know there is a big difference. It's just ironic. Like the tables have turned and dramatically at that.
DH tends to stick his head in the sand when there is drama and issues, so I don't see him putting in much of an effort with her, sadly. It's just like his natural reaction. If there is drama he just shuts down.
I get why he doesn't want her
I get why he doesn't want her husband around. Only you guys know what's right in your situation. Just somethings to think about. If this man really is so abusive, SD won't be able to go anywhere without him. So it may only serve to push her further away. If she really is that abused, she needs to be around people thatll show her she's loved & deserves better.
Also if this is not true, if her guy isn't doing this stuff, it would be normal in a healthy marriage to not go to a celebration or event your spouse isn't invited to. In a healthy marriage, people don't want anything to do with someone that can't be nice to their spouse or someone that causes strife in the marriage. Just some of the thoughts I had, about potential problems with this route. I get not wanting him around though. It's a very tricky situation.
I don't know if he is abusive
I don't know if he is abusive in that he abuses her every day and controls her. Or if it's when they get into a fight or he's on drugs that they start fighting and he puts his hands on her. There is a difference. Not saying one is worse or better then the other. Both are bad.
They never came over to our house before. (Unless they needed to borrow DH's tools or needed DH to help them with their car.) Mostly because they lived out of the state. Twice I invited them over for dinner, made plans, then they didn't show up at all. No call. No notice. Nothing just didn't show up. Last time was X-Mas Eve and I said I am done with them.
I think this will just isolate OSD even more from DH because they already rarely came over and now since DH doesn't want her DH around he will probably never see her.
The fact that her apartment is in the same complex as high conflict drama BM, DH refuses to go to her apartment.
That's the thing... What I
That's the thing... What I know of her... I can see her instigating stuff with her DH. Not that that makes abuse okay. But I can see her liking this drama cycle. Which is sad.
I've been in abusive relationship before. It's hard to see it for yourself. Just how bad it is and how stupid you look for staying.
If I was to take out the abuse part I would still see them both as losers.
And the whole 2 jobs thing... that is the big point that DH made to me when telling me what she told him, so I am assuming she made a big deal to DH about her DH having 2 jobs. Not sure how he even keeps a job with his arrest record.
Agree. She is already
Agree.
She is already isolated from DH because she doesn't like me and I really don't like her. I don't stand in the way of DH having a relationship with her. But I dont invite her over to the house and DH knows I really don't want to deal with her at the house.
BM will support her through this. BM is so messed up in her own head that she is probably okay with them being back together. "For the kids".
And because without her DH, OSD would have to work and be independent and do it on her own and that is something BM knows nothing about. They already know they aren't getting any CS out of her DH because he has 2 other kids that he doesn't pay for.
Enabling and accepting that a
Enabling and accepting that a person will stay with a POS abuser is ridiculous. Providing support to leave the POS abuser is much more rational.
If one chooses to be with a
If one chooses to be with a POS (abuser or not) one cannot expect other people to want to associate with sh*t.
It's one thing to enable a person to leave a POS - it is an entirely different thing to accept that a person is with an abuser.
I would help someone to leave an abusive POS. I would NOT accept an abusive POS in my life because a loved one wanted me to.