Graduation Dinner...and other stuff
So, my SS graduated by the skin of his teeth last week. No plans for college. No plans for...anything as far as I can tell. Both skids are at my house this weekend just lazing about since it's summer...not doing a dang thing, having friends over...while I work by behind off.
Anyway. After graduation, we all went out to eat for lunch to celebrate. When I say all...I mean ALL. DH, me, 3 skids, oldest SD's boyfriend, BM, MIL, FIL...and BM's parents, too. 11 people.
I hated every second of it. Was also BM's birthday, so I felt like it was just some weird family reunion, graduation, birthday celebration. Reminiscing about the good old days.
DH and I paid for the meal, which I was fine with, but BM and her parents assumed that DH's parents paid (because they're incredibly wealthy). When they thanked him for lunch, he said..."Don't thank me, thank my son." Immediately, BM's mom snorted and said: "Oh, yeah right." How trashy and rude. I know BM poor mouths it all the time, even though we pay more CS than ordered (and for longer for each kid, so far) and pay for a lot of extras...DH's parents pay for even more extras like cars and insurance and such. Newsflash. If we don't always have money to treat 11 people to lunch, it's because we're handing it all over to your daughter. Witch.
DH says that little exchange was a microcosm of his marriage to BM. Trying to do the right thing, being shot down and emasculated repeatedly by both BM and her mom. I know he hated the lunch, too...he was squeezing my shoulder and grabbing my hand through all of it. Also, I had to leave a little early to get back to work and, as I left, MIL got up to hug me and whispered: "Thank you for hanging in there for our son and grandson. That was tough." So...lots of support, surprisingly.
Later in the week, BM sent us an email asking if we could continue paying CS for SS18 until September. DH said no...hallelujah!
Anyone else dealing with this kind of nonsense around graduation / transitional times? What crazy things are going on? How are you coping?
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lol. I guess I can see why
lol.
I guess I can see why this story would sound that way, but if you knew my DH, you would laugh. He's is not a doormat at all, which is why I think his marriage with BM broke down. Her mom is incredibly controlling, from what I've heard, and she is, too...and DH never accepted that.
I think in this instance, we were both so gobsmacked by her rudeness that we didn't say anything out of shock...and just laughed about it later bc it was so unbelievable. It was also at the very end of the meal. Otherwise, everyone was perfectly pleasant. I just hated it bc I felt like an outsider with BM and parents there.
She seriously asked your
She seriously asked your husband to keep paying child support through the summer?
I swear to Dog, these women have absolutely no shame
Yes...she did. When the first
Yes...she did. When the first skid turned 18 in November of 2014, she asked us to continue support through the end of the school year (June 2015) and we agreed. In our state, it's technically 18 OR graduated from HS...but most judges end up saying 18 AND graduated from high school. We preferred paying 6 more months of support to going to court, where we'd most likely be ordered to keep paying anyway, so we agreed to an arrangement ourselves. With SS...he turned 18 in April and graduated from HS at the end of May. We're paying for him in June...but she sent us an email asking if we could just go ahead and pay through the summer...two more months.
I'm glad I have you stalkers to confirm my suspicion that this kind of thing is unreasonable. When I start to bristle about it, I worry that I'm being petty. I mean, the skids do still live with her, so she does still contribute to their support. Of course, we pay lots of extras for the skids (phones, medical bills, car stuff)...and we maintain a home that they can come to when they want. It's not like we've downsized to a one-bedroom apartment. She claims all three kids on her taxes every year and gets to claim head of household, which means she gets a substantial return while we end up owing every year.
"When the first skid turned
"When the first skid turned 18 in November of 2014, she asked us to continue support through the end of the school year (June 2015) and we agreed. In our state, it's technically 18 OR graduated from HS...but most judges end up saying 18 AND graduated from high school. We preferred paying 6 more months of support to going to court, where we'd most likely be ordered to keep paying anyway, so we agreed to an arrangement ourselves. With SS...he turned 18 in April and graduated from HS at the end of May. "
Per your states laws the payment through SD's graduation wasn't optional.
"In South Carolina, each parent is responsible for supporting their child until the child's 18th birthday or until the age of 19 if the child is still in high school. Child support can be stopped earlier if the child is found by the court to be emancipated. Emancipated means that the child has moved out of the home and is now self supporting. Examples of emancipation are joining the military, marrying, or having a full time job. You will need to petition the court for an order to terminate child support, it does not happen automatically. Often the court will accept a sworn affidavit along with proof that the child has graduated from high school. Contact your local clerk of the South Carolina Family Court or your South Carolina family law attorney for the procedures in your jurisdiction. " [summary of CS termination for South Carolina ]
With SS CS is now 'duty over'(18 and graduated). Agree to nothing. Your DH may have to follow procedure to officially terminate , if so the longer DH waits they can still withhold CS from his paycheck (if that is his monthly method of paying) or possibly put DH in record of arrears if he pays her directly until CS CO properly terminated.
We have a very amicable
We have a very amicable relationship with BM and always pay her directly rather than going through the courts. She would get less that way, which is bad for everyone.
SD actually finished HS early and was done in mid-January. But we still figured it was better to pay through the end of the regular school year rather than go to court.
Why September? Did she give
Why September? Did she give any reason? Just curious if she had a real ( at least a made-up decent excuse for asking), or is it just so Jr can 'enjoy' his summer with Dad's cash in his pocket?
Not sure of her rationale,
Not sure of her rationale, honestly. She's always asking for extras...so who knows. In her mind, I'm sure it's reasonable.
This is an excerpt from her email:
***Morning! We all enjoyed yesterday's festivities. Nice to see your folks and the restaurant was a great idea. Nice way to wrap up SS18's high school career.
I know we need to talk money. I will work with you all I can. We hadn't talked about when exactly SS18's support money would end...I would be grateful to have that support continue through the summer until SS18 has an established job and more income to contribute...***
So... I'm not sure. Also not sure why it's apparently going to take SS18 2-3 full months to have a job...
I really get all bowed up when I read "I will work with you all I can." I think that's a nice little window into her worldview. Like...we're definitely on the hook for this, but she's willing to be reasonable. Maybe let us pay it in installments? Give us a little discount for paying on time? It's EXTRA that you're asking for...of course you'll "work with us"
Love the email excerpt. I
Love the email excerpt. I mean, she's the mother of his kids so of course she's entitled to everything of his for eternity. This sounds so familiar.
Oh...I could keep a tumblr of
Oh...I could keep a tumblr of crap like this. One of her favorite things to throw around when asking us to "chip in" for some expense is that she "maintains all three kids on [her] insurance." Like that's somehow an unfair burden that ought to be considered...aka therefore we should "pitch in our half" for xyz.
For example: "I've decided that SD16 needs physical therapy to strengthen her core bc she's been complaining about back pain. After insurance (which I maintain entirely) the visits will cost $20 each and she'll need at least 10. Can you add your half to the next CS check?" (I'm not joking about this request).
A week later: "What's the word on the $100?" (Love the assumption close).
The thing is:
A. The insurance premium is considered in the CS calculations in our state. We are already paying MORE in CS to compensate for this.
B. By law, we aren't allowed to put the kids on our insurance if we don't claim them as dependents on our taxes. We pointed this out to her and said we were more than willing to add the kids to our plan instead and then take the tax deductions. She said no, of course.
Anyway. As I said, we're all amicable, she's just always asking for more...and we can never figure out what CS covers and what's "extra" in her mind. I don't think she can help herself with the little jabs and extra requests. My DH often says..."I've never been late with CS one time, I've paid for tons of extras, my folks help her out directly in addition to doing things for the kids, YOU do stuff for the kids...but she treats me like a deadbeat / delinquent who doesn't take care of his children. She always acts like I'm behind and owe her..."
We completely agree with you.
We completely agree with you. This woman is not destitute...she just likes to poor mouth it. She makes 50K-plus a year and until a year ago was getting 12K a year tax free from us. DHs parents have also given her money directly at the holidays, and we do lots of extras like phones, clothes, car maintenance, etc.
DH pointed all of this out to her in his reply.