Controlling nut
So today my ex husband sends me this email. This comes on the heels of some serious PASing that he has managed to do over the weekend that was very damaging to BS almost 9. I am not going to get into that, but lets just say I am not pleased and we have an emergency visit with the therapist.
I am deathly allergic to all nuts, BS is not but because he has been raised in a nut free home. Additionally in school he has been in a peanut free class room almost every year. He is very concerned about exposing me to nuts because he knows what the result is. This is the second time since we have been divorced that my ex has sent me this request. I wish this was all I had to worry about in raising our child.
Ex husband:
Please do me a favor and tell BS that it’s all right to have peanuts and nut-related foods on days when he won’t see you. It took some convincing to get him to go to Five Guys on Sunday because he was afraid that the peanut oil they cook their fries in would make you sick.
Sweet T's response: Crickets.... WTF! hold on let me get right on that. The kid knows he can eat nuts I told him the last time this idiot asked me to "help" with this big parenting issue he has... guess what he doesn't like peanut butter for one thing. Someday's I swear if he can't be trying to control me or make his presence known I don't know what he would do.
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yep, reasonable to me, too.
yep, reasonable to me, too. Plus, I bet it would be much more believable coming from mom to kid..
"oh, hey, it's fine, kiddo. When you're with dad, you can be around a whole town full of peanuts. Go. Have fun. Don't worry about me."
Kid is obviously closer to mom, so he's more likely to believe her over dad.
Sweet, your ex always reminds
Sweet, your ex always reminds me of the nutbag bm's we deal with. Any excuse to enmesh himself in your life and occupy space in your brain.
but I bet the person you know
but I bet the person you know is the person with the allergy. OP's son is NOT allergic. I think it's great that the kid is so aware, but he should understand that he can go to Five Guys when he's with his dad...
I am with Cocktail here - I don't see much wrong with the request from OP's XH. Seems kinda mountain meets molehill, IMHO.
The issue is do your own
The issue is do your own parenting. I focus my energy on my home making sure homework is done, he goes to bed on time is respectful, clean.....real parenting. I am not going to be bugging the kid about nuts.
I am a huge fan of do your
I am a huge fan of do your own parenting, but maybe in this case, kid needed a little reassurance from mom that she wasn't going to be affected by the peanut exposure at dad's house???
I have already done this for
I have already done this for him last year. The irony is he will do things for dad that he will not do for me because he is afraid of disappointing his dad.
After the shenanigans my ex pulled this weekend I will not be "helping " him out in any way. He did something very inappropriate, very much PAS that has caused a lot of issue with our son. I spent my night dealing with a hysterical, upset child because of lies and manipulation. I was fortunate enough to get an emergency appointment with the therapist tomorrow.
I just find it amusing that he would ask me to encourage our son to do something that can kill me. Especially considering he has told me multiple times that he wished I was dead so he could piss on my grave and dance a jig.
I hear your frustration, but
I hear your frustration, but the peanuts could kill YOU, not the kid and kid was not with you, and wasn't going home to you that night, so really, the damn peanuts were not an issue. You have raised your kid to be acutely aware of your issue, so a quick little text to him "Five Guys is awesome for everyone but me, you going there doesn't mean I am going to die" would have calmed your kid down.
I don't think it's too much to ask. Now, if he was texting you with "tell him to do his homework" or "tell him to clean his room" I would be right there with you being all irritated. But your kid was worried about YOU....
Echo and Cocktail for the
Echo and Cocktail for the win....
There really is nothing to
There really is nothing to win here.
Right now my focus is dealing with the aftermath of something the ex did and said to BS that was inappropriate and caused him to have a complete hysterical melt down upon returning home after 3 days with his dad. I can't go into it now but it was very PAS in nature and a complete and utter lie. I have a very upset kid that was put in a bad situation and we are heading off for an emergency therapy visit to deal with it.
I know my ex and this is just another opportunity to insert himself. Last week he sent me 3 texts asking if I had sent him anything certified in the mail, then launched into a diatribe because exwife#1 answered his same text and told him their annulment had gone through and how his kids were bastards in the eyes of god because of what she did. Why send me all this???? We don't even speak.
what he probably wants is to
what he probably wants is to not hear his kid freak out about peanuts when mom is NOWHERE around. He may even be tired of hearing "but mom says" or something along those lines, I don't know.
He likely wants his kid to be a kid and go to a burger joint without freaking out that his mother, who is not anywhere around the peanuts, is going to die.
None of this is about OP. ALL of it is about her son.
But not to her.
But this is what you posted
But this is what you posted about...so that's what we will discuss, no??
Nevermind, this guy, while a total dick, did nothing wrong here, but you just have to find a way to make him out to be psycho/abusive/controlling/etc.
Carry on
When our son was having
When our son was having emotional issues after the divorce and I insisted on taking him to therapy the ex came with. He was hostile and when he could not manipulate the therapist he informed me that I could take him and he did not need to participate. I asked him for help with our son once when he was struggling and he told me I wanted the divorce, I could do it myself it was show time. I think that was far more a time for him to parent with me than me convincing the kid to eat at 5 guys.
His dad was abusive to me for years and we parallel parent and rarely speak to one another.
duplicate
duplicate
he isn't asking you to do his
he isn't asking you to do his parenting, he is asking you to reassure your son that what he eats when he is with dad will not kill you.
but, go ahead and die on this hill. It's your right. Sigh.
I would probably comply with
I would probably comply with your ex's request. I'd hate to see your son become overly paranoid about your potential exposure to peanuts. He might just need some reassurance from YOU that you will be just fine if he eats peanuts when he's not around you.
I feel like this is one of
I feel like this is one of those overly passive things some parents do to the others like if an outsider were to read it, we would just see a dad looking for you to reassure the kid you're okay with him eating peanuts when he's not home. But BM does this to DH all the time so I feel like I can read between the lines. To me it's almost like a jab at you to make you feel guilty that you're allergic to peanuts and therefore your son is aware and also cautious of peanuts. What probably happened was the dad brought him to eat there and the kid saw the menu listed the peanut oil for the fries and the kid opted out of eating which frustrated his dad so he emailed you "to bitch" but in a passive way.
I think it's fine how your
I think it's fine how your son feels. He sounds educated in how traces of peanuts can transfer. He can live a life without nuts for Pete's sake. This is not a hill to die on. I can see why a controlling, abusive ex would push this issue.
I'm guessing it was the
I'm guessing it was the timing of the request. Whatever this dad said or did to this kid (which wasn't about frickin' peanuts or where to eat dinner) this weekend, has extremely upset the kid.
Kid comes home in total meltdown mode, Sweet is coping with upset kid until therapist can squeeze kid in... and here comes a 'help me out here over peanuts ' request nonchalant text. This guy is 100% clueless that whatever the h*ll he deliberately said/did to kid (which wasn't about stinking five guys french fries) and he asking favors from the same lady he trashed to his kid.
Sweet doesn't want to share with us what he deed of PAS was all about. That's ok. Really none of our business. But she did want to how to seconds later the jerk is asking favors and assistance.
How many here would kick your ex in the 'nuts' to an innocent little boy and then pleasantly ask that ex for a favor?
I 'get' your frustration, Sweet. I hope therapy tomorrow helps settle your son with whatever he's struggling with post father visitation.
Oh look. The trifecta of
Oh look. The trifecta of ridiculousness is on point today.
Sweet T. Your ex sucks ass. Yes bad for you and your son. Screw. Him.
I hope the counselor gives y'all good help.
Whatever. We all know that
Whatever. We all know that Sweet T's ex is a horrific loon. Why go at her? She's right about what happened. He's manipulating the kid. Period. Just to be an asshole because it's who he is and what he does.
So you don't remember him
So you don't remember him pinning her to the wall by her throat while her child was crying and all?! You don't remember that? I sure do.
Stand down. And get off her case. She dealt with a lot of bullshit from this man. His older kids have backed away from him and he lives to torture both ex wives.
She has a right to do what is best for her own son.
She's done that. She had the
She's done that. She had the convo with her son. The man is goading her. She wants to shut him down with his nasty PAS. That's the issue at heart here.
And, yes, we are friends. That's why I am surprised by some of the mess being said here. I'm also friends with Sweet and this makes me aggravated to see her treated like a GUBM. She's a sweetheart. Had good relationships with her former stepsons and their mom. They are still close.
She would if she could. She
She would if she could. She has a minor child with him. There must've communication
Yes. I am aware of that. That
Yes. I am aware of that. That doesn't mean he respects it.
You're missing the point again. Let's not chase rabbits. He's PAS-ing their child. And causing undue upset.
Everything pea said is true.
Everything pea said is true. I deleted my blogs when the dv was going on and the custody battle.
I only communicate when necessary. He is not a good person and loves to dictate what both ex wife 1 and I do.
It is find to have different opinions but it is when people try and tell others what your intentions are because they say so, that is wrong.
I stated several times that there has been some serious messing with our almost 9 year old head and then he started on that again. Just because I am only a bm now doesn't mean I am a gubm.
Oh Lordy. He's an emotionally
Oh Lordy. He's an emotionally abusive person. He's physically abusive. This isn't about HER allowing him to make her feel bad. This isn't about divorce. It's about him purposefully hurting their son. Sweet posts regularly. I rarely comment here and haven't for eons but I remember her story just fine. She doesn't need to tell the whole thing again. Her's is one of the most memorable wild rides.
*pounds head on the wall*
I'm not sure how that applies
I'm not sure how that applies but it's a good philosophy you have.
OMG peas......thank
OMG peas......thank you!!!
This.Is.Not.About.A.Peanut.Allergy
Has everyone completely forgotten Sweet T's backstory? This is ex being his usual self-centered, controlling ASS.
In fact, I'll throw in a $20 and call that SS didn't really have a meltdown as ex describes, he just took something small, perhaps, that SS said, and made it all dramatic so he could yet again insert his presence with Sweet T.
Bam. Callin' it!
Thanks, Darkstar. One thing
Thanks, Darkstar. One thing sticks with me. My exh and her exh were cited as the two WORST asshole husbands on this site. So there is that. Sweet T is no GUBM. In fact, I've told her that she is entirely too nice to the Asswipe.
He was the one with a ton of
He was the one with a ton of health issues, mental and physical. I am allergic to nuts. It is not a huge health issue. But read into things if you wish. There is having a different opinion and painting me to be the bad guy because of your own experiences.
He did some really shitty things to our son this weekend, I am actually in the,waiting room at the therapist office because of it.
He loves telling others what to do while he does nothing but cause chaos. Last night I asked BS, what was up about 5 guys, he was like how do you know. I said your dad emailed. The kid knows he can eat nuts, he doesn't like peanut butter at all.
Trust me he will do things for my ex because he doesn't want to disappoint him that he will not do for me.
I am a firm believer in I have no say in the other house hold.
I have to say, I just don't
I have to say, I just don't get these responses. It's appears to be all your fault. No matter what you say.
Go figure. Just go figure. The man is a complete mental case and you're allergic to peanuts. And you're still the problem. Wow. Just wow.
People will believe what they
People will believe what they want to believe.
Wanna know the funny part. When I asked BS what was up as he knows he can eat nuts, he tells me he didn't want to eat there because he didn't want to eat peanut shells. WTF. I said you don't eat the shells, he said he didn't know how to break them open and thought he was going to have to eat them shells and all.I told him I think they just break open, have your dad show you.