More in-law drama...
From the frying pan into the fire...
So MIL and SIL came over last Wednesday to take DD swimming and 'talked' to me about my text message (see prior blog for backstory: https://www.steptalk.org/node/228668). TBH, I didn't care that they didn't like it. I apologized for the upset my message caused, explained that my intention was to say that I wanted a closer relationship and, in the moment, felt that SIL/MIL were saying they didn't want me/me and DH around, so that's where the heat came from.
I was told by SIL that, since I don't have a blood connection, I will never be family. I was told by MIL that she doesn't actually want to babysit DD, she only does it as a huge favour to me and/or DH.
I'm pretty sure that they were speaking out of emotion, and didn't mean what they said quite as strongly as they said it. But I did take it in.
Then, this past week, we all went on vacation together. Over here, they have a lot of resorts - like a bunch of houses all in a park with some central activities, like an indoor playground and a pool. It's bizarre, because the houses are bigger than typical Dutch houses, each room in the house is bigger, and most of them are detached (most Dutch houses are rowhouses). But yet it's still a couple of steps to the neighbours on all sides, no trees to obscure the view, and so no privacy whatsoever. Such a weird country. But I digress.
Anyways, so last year my mom could visit (getting old & ill, can't anymore) and we went away for a few days to a similar location and enjoyed it. And decided to do it again this year. I assumed I found it stressful last year due to my mom, but turns out it was stressful this year too.
1. My SIL is sooooo cold. I truly know it's not on purpose nor directed at me, but still. It is a challenge.
2. My MIL cannot believe that she might not be right about everything.
3. My DH can be a dink.
I melted down last night, and had we brought two cars, DD and I would have just gone home.
So now I'm in the position of trying to have little or no contact with SIL and significantly less with MIL. But I see one or the other 5 days per week. And never with DH there, so I have to navigate this crap myself. And one of the reasons I want less contact is because having contact is so disastrous. So having more contact to figure out how to get less just seems so, so wrong.
Aaaargh.
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Hugs Moe. Keep your head
Hugs Moe. Keep your head high. I'm sorry I have no advice.
I wouldn't eliminate it
I wouldn't eliminate it completely. DD2 loves her aunt and Oma, and I want to facilate that. However, I want to take me out of the equation as much as possible.
WEEKLY SCHEDULE
Monday: Class at gym - MIL does same class. I hang around after (not always with MIL) then pick up DD from daycare - SIL works at DD's daycare.
Tuesday: Class at gym - MIL does same class. I bring DD to babysitting there and we have lunch with MIL (and others).
Wednesday: MIL & SIL come over for coffee, then take DD swimming, and when they get back we all have lunch.
Thursday: MIL picks up DD from daycare after lunch, I pick DD up from MIL before dinner.
Friday: No MIL or SIL.
Saturday: Class at gym - MIL & SIL do the same one. DD goes to babysitting, then we have a coffee together (not DD!).
Sunday: No MIL or SIL.
First thing is I would be sure MIL is *never* asked to babysit again. She can reap what she sows on that point.
There is a new location to our gym that just opened up in our area, so I may be able to switch at least one of those shared gym classes. However, gym babysitting is an issue (not all gyms offer it) and the class itself is an issue. (I currently just do the very lowest level of activity, just more of it than I used to do so yay me!)
I'm ok with MIL on her own, it's SIL and the MIL-SIL double-punch combo that seems to set me off. But I don't want to seek out MIL to spend time with her either.
So doing my own thing on Monday and leaving a bit earlier on Tuesday would cut back significantly on 'time together' with MIL.
Wednesday is the drama hot-spot and I don't know how to handle it. I would prefer that when they arrive, they serve themselves coffee while I leave already, and that a fixed time is set for me to be home so they leave. Without staying for lunch!
Thursday is fine, if SIL is there I just won't stick around!
Saturday is most likely the day I can easily go to the other location. Have to wait until May to see what they have.
But how to talk about it, when I just want to avoid avoid avoid. And not be the one trying to make things work!!!
how do you see them 5d a
how do you see them 5d a week? that would be maddening, i would be doing my d@mnedest to change that ASAP.
and like i commented to you on another blog (jasper's i think) - PHUC 'EM. they dont consider you family, fine. better to have NO "family" than that BS. blood or marriage means u're related - it does NOT mean that you are "family" if you choose otherwise. again, PHUC'EM!
Yeah. There's a story
Yeah. There's a story there.
In Canada I had lots of really good friends, I like good connections, intensity, etc. Many of my friends would tell me that I was the only one they had really 'deep' conversations with... that's just how I am. But then I got married and left everyone behind, literally. And really, seeing that I am unusually intense, spreading that around a bunch of friends makes sense - everyone likes to have a good conversation like that every now and then, and I like that all the time!
I'm older now, so fewer people in my age-group are truly 'open' for friendships than when we were younger. I'm more tired (illness, toddler lol). I am a SAHM (again, illness, toddler) so lifestyle is different. Even being married vs being single lifestyle is so different. Also, I have been really hurt by a couple of former friends from my life in Canada, since I moved here, and I am afraid to trust.
I don't come from this culture, this language, so even though I function just fine... I always feel an outsider. I've been here 7 years, I meet TONS of people, I'm super-outgoing and friendly... but finding someone to have those interesting conversations with, someone to just hang around with easily - running errands or going for a walk together? Not really.
I've come to understand that the part of me that never got unconditional love as a child will always be searching for that in an (almost always) inappropriate place/way from others. So I am more guarded, because I see that I 'need' more from others and don't want to overwhelm them.
So because of DD, I end up 'seeing' MIL and SIL a lot. I don't feel like SIL is someone to really talk to, and MIL is ok but has her fixed ideas (which she just thinks is the 'truth', so yeah...) But who else would I see? I do my best, but I just don't have much energy to do all the crap all those great mommies do with their kids, so I do what I can and try to give DD those opportunities via daycare or babysitting. So I can try to also take care of myself a bit.
So that's how I end up spending so much time with them, and how it's gotten so difficult to extricate myself.
I'm still trying to figure
I'm still trying to figure that out. The new location was 'taken over' by my current gym, and it's all very confusing right now. They do seem to have a LOT of yoga/yoga-like classes, so perfect (easy to adjust if I'm not moving well or if I'm in a lot of pain). And they have babysitting... so I could just make the switch.
I don't have to worry about it until May, as next week Wednesday is King's Day and everything is closed due to the King's b'day.
But I'm pre-worrying. Also because other than you guys, I can only talk to DH about it. And he's obviously in the middle. He does take my side, but he's very passive and doesn't really get why all of this is a problem for me.
D'uh-H, I should say sometimes, lol!!!
That's the most popular sport
That's the most popular sport over here! To me, since I cycle everywhere, doing it MORE just doesn't appeal. Plus I have bad knees so if the alignment isn't PERFECT, ouch!
You know I live in the Netherlands, right?
http://www.vogelvrijefietser.nl/sites/default/files/styles/gallery_image...
or
http://www.bakfiets-en-meer.nl/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/pr3s_amsterdam...
(only, I also have groceries and gym bag with me...)
And finding my bike where I left it is a challenge....
http://www.bd.nl/polopoly_fs/1.5362079.1445501920!/image/image.jpg_gen/d...
Why do you have to see them
Why do you have to see them so much? Go to another gym. Or take different classes. Or go at another time. I don't understand why they have to come over every Wednesday and take your child swimming? Why would someone who swore she didn't want to be asked to babysit your child take her swimming each week? I'm lost on why you feel so trapped into having to see these two so extremely often.
Hell, you see them more than I see my husband!
Yeah. I am also trying to
Yeah. I am also trying to figure out why I'm struggling with this so much. I mean, I understand myself and what I'm seeking (like I explained above) but I have learned that information does not necessarily lead to insight, and insight does not necessarily lead to knowing what to do differently - nor to making the whole thing less intense emotionally.
I'm sure I'll figure it out. It's just costing a lot of time and energy right now.
Have you considered that you
Have you considered that you crave more friendship because these two friendships are draining you? I hope what I'm suggesting is making sense; it's like when you're thirsty so you drink soda or lemonade but it doesn't really quench your thirst, it just makes you even more thirsty. I think you need to listen to what these to two are saying and doing. They don't want to watch your daughter so stop making them take her swimming on Wednesdays. SIL says you'll never be family to her...okay so stop letting a complete asshole of a stranger come over into your house to drink your coffee and eat your food. I think you know you need to cut them off but you're afraid to be alone. Well life's about learning how to be independent and alone and anything is better than putting yourself through this stress and upset. Stop having coffee with them, if you stay in the same class simply say "hi" and "bye" and be on your way after class. Get a life of your own that doesn't depend on their relationship scraps. You deserve better than that. You say your daughter loves them, well that's wonderful but THEIR blood relative (your DH) needs to foster that relationship since they've basically spelled it out to you how they feel.
Yes, that is exactly the
Yes, that is exactly the situation. I have since stopped all but cursory contact 2x per week at pickup. I feel very relieved.
The only thing is, as I suspected, they were blowing smoke about feeling like they had too much time with DD. I got backlash about stopping swimming (never my idea, btw) and about not bringing DD to the same gym during the week anymore. But I completely ignored it and we'll see how week 2 goes.