This is what I'm doing now. I just told DW that I will no longer be trying to be in a parental role with SS14. As far as telling her, I read an earlier post on here about disengaging and the commenter said it's a good idea to tell both your spouse and your steptard(s) about what you're doing. Maybe it's not. I explained to DW why and also gave her a brief history of how I used to try to intervene to impose normal parental rules and how it has not worked. She then said, "I guess I have to be a single mother now." So, I understand that "I can't win for losing" comment. It's a real double bind where I'm the evil step parent if I do and I'm the evil step parent if I do not.

Part of the bio parent's negative response to disengaging, I think, is their cluelessness. They want you to take part in their Disney parenting, so this is why it's lose / lose. Imposing the normal discipline any reasonable, responsible parent would insist on is not being on the same page as them (being permissive and indulging the child's every whim) and disengaging is just another form of not pampering the child.

But I'm just tired of this, and I have to disengage.