reality check needed
After a shitty date night and a conv where SO agreed it was a crap night and apologised. I thought we were back on track.
Saturday we had arranged to all go together in one car to a swimming gala.
I get a text late friday night asking if we could take both cars as now sd21 has decided she is coming. This means we dont have enough room in the car, so basically i need to drive mine and be the only one in it.
Bear in mind i was going along to spend time with SO and the car journry was the only time really we get to talk as once at gala we both are busy with various jobs. Also sd21 wasnt included in original arrangement as she doesnt live with SO as is only staying with him because her car broke down and she has no transport to get home. SO refused to take her. Her new car arrives Thursday.
I didnt go saturday and i am extremely pissed at SO for 'kicking' me out of the car just because sd21 wants to go.
Why couldnt he tell her - the car is full if you want to come find your own way there.
Am i being unreasonable to expect some loyalty or am i over reacting ?
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Yes he suggested meeting up
Yes he suggested meeting up today instead but i am busy because i arranged things around as i was supposed to see him saturday.
He accused me of throwing his compromise back in his face!!!
At present i can not bring myself to talk to him
I would be feeling the same
I would be feeling the same way you are. I would be a little more understanding if the SKID was a minor - once they're adults you take precedence.
Why didn't Dad just have his
Why didn't Dad just have his daughter drive his vehicle? He and whoever else could have rode in your vehicle with you.
I don't think you are
I don't think you are overreacting. SD21 is an adult, does not live with him, and decided to go after plans were already made. Why should you be given the boot out of the car?
Shes not insured to drive
Shes not insured to drive anyone elses car except her own.
he is so intent on trying to please everyone he wont upset anyone other than me.
Thanks sueu2 Hard to let go
Thanks sueu2
Hard to let go when you love someone.
Trouble is when skids not around we are actually very good together. Skids cause the issues between us everytime.
DH causes the problems,
DH causes the problems, blames skids, and you buy into that. IMHO.
I hope you figure out why you've got this confused with love. You clearly deserve much more happiness and satisfaction from a romantic relationship.
Sometimes we fall in love
Sometimes we fall in love with the people. Loving thid guy doesn't mean he's the right man for you.
The guy keeps showing you where you stand/fit in his life. He doesn't have to change because he knows once you cool off, it's business as usual.
Love and respect yourself more than you love him.
But you see the skids ARE
But you see the skids ARE around. I've said it before on here- any two people can get along great when it's just the two of them. It's how you handle the rest of the stuff-work, family, kids- that determines your longevity as a couple. H and I have been married 32 years. Yes it's great when it's just the two of us but those times are few and far between, most of the time we're both juggling a million things. And we, for the most part, make it all come together for us.
((((((Hugs))))))
((((((Hugs))))))
I get that you're all about
I get that you're all about the kids, but this seems seriously overboard. I had been working to support myself, supporting myself - you know, paying rent, getting groceries, cooking my own meals, arranging my own transportation - for FOUR years by the time I was 21. I remember one time borrowing $20 from my mom because I didn't have cash or the time to pick some up before work on Monday when I visited for dinner on a Sunday. I paid her back the next Sunday. Of coure my mom has done me tons of favours, and I've done tons for her. You help out the people you love. But she hasn't had to step in to 'solve' my life for me since I was 17. If being all about the kids gets you incomptent and inept adults who still can't get from A to B at age 21, then something is wrong.
And I think it's really unkind of you to suggest that the OP's problem is that she doesn't like kids. She doesn't like these kids, because her SO keeps telling her that the reason he treats her badly is because of them. She's willing to let him blame them because she's got her own issues. And really, if their own parent is telling all and sundry that they are totally incompetent losers who he still has to hand-hold every step of every day, it's that parent who doesn't like those kids.
??? Sometimes you just sound
??? Sometimes you just sound so committed to your point of view that you will completely turn what I said into something different so you can have something to argue with.
It's possible that you're not completely right all the time about everything. It's possible that people who disagree with you are normal loving people.
Plenty of parents help their
Plenty of parents help their young adult kids. That doesn't mean they end up unable to support/help themselves.
It's possible this guy grew up in a family where his parents helped him and his siblings, so doing the same for his kids is normal to him. My sister and I grew up that way. I raised my son the same way. I honestly don't see anything wrong with it. As long as my son is doing well and making good choices, I will always be there to help him in any way I can.
Regardless of what his issue is, he just isn't the type of man the OP wants him to be.
The way OP writes it, SO has
The way OP writes it, SO has a nice time planned with her, but SD comes along and neeeeeeeds stuff and demaaaands that SO change his plans to help her, since she caaaaaan't figure it out on her own. And he does. And she's got a beef with that.
If I were SD, this wouldn't happen because I can get my own life organized. And if I needed a favour, well... favours are positive things, I wouldn't ask something that would be a problem for my parent (and if I found out it WAS a problem for my parent, I wouldn't let them do it), and my parent wouldn't do something that they didn't want to do.
If I were SO, I'd be telling my kid to figure it out since she's an adult and I have plans right now.
If I were the OP, I'd be outtie. But nothing to do with liking kids or not. Something to do with not respecting this particular kid/parent.
Well, I sure don't ALWAYS
Well, I sure don't ALWAYS have it together, lol. I just haven't depended on my parents for a ride for a loooong time. And it's been a long time since my parents would have dropped everything to give me a ride somewhere. I get enjoying helping others, but I guess someone is just lying in this story.
I think it's the SO. And maybe the OP lying to herself. Nothing to do with liking kids though, which was my point.
Well, I guess I just don't
Well, I guess I just don't get being 21 and *wanting* to hang around my parents! But for the rest, I think you're right. I think this guy not just manning up and telling the OP he's not interested is totally spineless. Worse than if he was truly bossed around by his kids.
By the time I was 20 I was
By the time I was 20 I was helping my parents. I bought them their first color TV. I never once expected them to pick up a check although in later years they did so when I let them.
Why are today's kids such loser/users? It's not because of student loans - I had a ton of them and made $600 a month. I had to pay rent, car payment, school loans, insurance, etc - no cell phone as they didn't exist back then. I didn't have a lot of money left over, but I took care of myself and tried to help others. Not just my parents - I've always given what I could to charities.
I'm sorry but I think adult children (whether skids or not) who have graduated from college or gotten started in their trade or profession are disgusting if they still try to leach off of their parents. It's not whether a parent is willing to help. It's how repulsive it is for an adult to financially take advantage of a parent (or anyone who loves them).
Some parents want to help
Some parents want to help their kids.
My parents helped my sister and I because it was something they wished their parents could do for them. They were in a position to do more for us than their parents could do for them.
Some parents allow their adult kids to live with them rent free so that they can purchase a home quicker. Some allow their to live at home rent free while they attend college in order to not rack up a ton of loans. Neither is a case of a kid being a leach or taking advantage of their parents.
I agree with what you said.
I agree with what you said. But it seems like this post is about another situation. Either it's how you've described it, or it's how the OP has been describing it.
If you're right, then why is the OP's SO going on and on about *having* to change plans with her due to needs of kid? Isn't the situation you describe about adults agreeing to work together? Not about one needing and the other meeting those needs - that's parent/child relationships, not peer relationships.
If the OP's right, then her SO has incredibly demanding and overbearing children, he's a weak parent and a weak person. And he is clearly willing to sacrifice his relationship with her in order to momentarily please his offspring.
I guess the OP has some thinking to do. Mostly about how nice it would be to just not have this in her life.
I think this guy is just
I think this guy is just saying what he thinks the OP wants to hear. He knows darn well he can't say that he wants to help/enjoys helping his kids. He has to spin it the other way. I think he's doing this to just keep the OP thinking that there's a chance this relationship will work.
They no longer live together, but he still gets the "benefits" of being in a relationship with her. As soon as she sees for what what he really is(a man who isn't willing/able to give her what she wants), she will cut off EVERYTHING.
Thanks Sally. I spoke by
Thanks Sally.
I spoke by email briefly with him yesterday as he just didnt get what the big deal was!!!
Today he mentioned he might see me wednesday on my day off but depended on sd8. Its our half term school break. I just emailed back and said oh dont include me in any plans i have made my own!
Lets just say he isnt very happy atm as the tables are turned on him.
I have minimised communication completely as i am still pissed off over the way he has treated me.
This will go one of 2 ways..
1. He will sort himself out and start thinking about including me properly in this partnership OR
2. We drift apart
Time will tell i guess.
Haha Sally that cheered me
Haha Sally that cheered me up. Some men just dont get it at all.
Maybe a case of being poorly is on the cards or go but dont stay for long. My SO is always backtracking out of commitments if something better comes up. This really annoys me and i usually end up going alone. I dont think he will ever change and i dont bother asking him to attend events with me. Saturday was him asking me to spend time with him and then he changed his mind the night before.
He phoned today asking if i wanted to see him thursday night and go to cinema. I declined.