Ok so this is kinda similar to a post I wrote a while back http://www.steptalk.org/node/216316

But I'm still really struggling with this. I don't really feel *love* towards SS. I kinda pretend I love him, and do a good job of that with playing games etc. and pretending that I want him around.

But I worry that he feels my true feelings of ..that I just.. don't. I don't want him around. He annoys me sooo much he just never stops talking jeez, even to breathe. It's insane. And the stuff he's actually saying is all just crap. 

I know he's only 5 and there wouldn't be an actual decent conversation to be had with a kid that age, but really, wow. Sometimes the stuff that comes out his mouth is like 'whaaaa?!! that makes nooo sense, you're only talking for the sake of talking!!!' when he runs out of things to say he just makes random noises..

Also I know that with him always talking so much, I know that anything we say will be repeated to BM, not that he's a purposeful spy like some other skids, just that he will repeat stuff to her. I hate that.

I feed him, clean his room, do his laundry, and do all the *basic* stuff you'd do for a kid. I force myself to play his imaginary games, listen to his bullshit rambling about nothing, and I tell him he's clever/awesome/etc.

I reply "I love you too sweetie" when he tells me I love you.. I hug him back when he hugs me, I ruffle his hair while I walk past him, I just feel like I'm always faking it all the time ..but never actually making it. Ya know?

I do feel like I hide my feelings well beneath playing his games etc, but again.. I worry if he feels that I don't feel the same for him as I do for DD. Kids are like a detector for what's not quite right, and I worry he feels it.

Then again I sometimes put his needs before DD.. She woke up from a nap the other day crying, I heard her wake up upset, and I went to go get her. As I was getting up SS asked for some juice.

 I took time out to go into the kitchen to get him his drink *before* I went to get DD out of her cot crying. It wasn't until I was pouring his drink into his cup that I realised I'd put his need/want before DD's, (who was still crying and waiting for me in her cot) so maybe I *do* love him, even just a little.

MIL texted me and asked for some recent pics of the kids the other day. (they live a couple hours away and we hardly ever see DH's parents, they're awesome btw) 

I had SO MANY pics of DD22 months that I struggled to choose which one to send her.

But SS5? I had to scroll riiight back in my photos to find one of him. And even then it was a pic I *had* to take of him with a gift he'd been given (in order to send it to the person who'd given it to him)

I used to take soooo many pics of SS when he was small. I thought about it a while and realised it might be because DD is still at that "omigosh look what she's figured out how to do!" completing a puzzle etc

As I said, I used to take sooooooo many pics of SS when he was DD's age too. All the cute things he did, and the clever things he'd figured out how to do. Maybe I just enjoy *little* kids more? I duno.

I'm not sure but I think it might be that SS is now at an age where he'll only get pictures taken of him when he's doing something really awesome, like riding his bike over a big log or something lol

I have plenty of pics of both kids playing together as I think that kind of thing is cute, little sister big brother stuff. But none of SS on his own.

Which leads me to the next thing on my mind.. Whenever DH and I go nuts over whatever DD's doing and get the camera out, SS tries to do the same thing.

I suspect in the hopes that we'll turn the camera to him while saying "ohhh look what SS is doing, it's sooo cuuute!" But we don't, because, well.. A 5yr old doing this stuff just ain't as cute as an almost 2yr old doing it.

Example: DD loves stuffed animals. A few weeks back, she was talking to one of her animals and 'feeding' it with her spoon, then cuddling it etc. It was adorable, DH and I were both saying "awww look at her!" and I started taking a video.

It wasn't until I watched the video back that I realised SS (who was sitting next to her) had suddenly started looking round for the nearest stuffed animal, grabbed it, then got as close to DD as possible (where I was pointing the camera) and started doing the same as DD with the stuffed animal he'd picked up.

I hadn't realised SS was doing that as I was focusing on videoing DD. That made me feel *baaad* as it's not like I ignore SS in day to day life, but it was only when I watched the video back I realised that's exactly what I was doing, I was focused so much on DD :/

Then yesterday, we were listening to music.. DD spontaneously burst into a full on dance routine LOL she has some moves I tell ya, wiggling her hips, stomping her feet, waving her arms around LOL

I said "haha DH quick, look at DD dancing!" ..that's when SS said "do you want to see my dance?" And he started jumping up and down on the spot. (This kid has no rhythm or moves lol) 

DH said (in an affectionate way) "haha! SS that's not dancing! That's just jumping up and down!" SS laughed and carried on jumping up and down (next to DD busting her groove) but it got me thinking..

Do I need to start making steps to include SS more when we say how cute DD is being? What should I do to help him with this.. I don't want him to feel sad or left out/ignored. Sometimes I say things as it's happening like "SS, you used to do that when you were a baby!" But then again, I don't want him to feel like he's no longer cute? Like.. "you were cute when you were like this, but not anymore" etc.

Sidenote: He seems to be very "young" for his age, he really enjoys playing with DD's baby toys (not for attention or the cuteness factor it might bring, he really does like playing with them) even when I'm not in the room I hear buttons being pressed to make the noises, then I walk in expecting to find DD playing with that toy, but it's actually SS.

Basically what I'm asking is.. Should I be worried about how SS feels about this stuff? What can I do to make him feel he's special too, even though DD is real cute right now, and it might feel to him that she gets all the attention? 

Like, in the moment it's happening I mean.

I always say "you're such a good big brother, DD loves you so much" ..and as I said, I also reply to him "I love you too" when he says it to me, etc. 

We do science projects from the toy store with him, play board games etc that DD is too small for, so sometimes it's DD that's left out when it comes to things like that.. 

But I wonder if there's anything else DH and I can do for him, or if I'm worrying about nothing again lol

So.. any advice on how to make a big brother feel special when little sister is getting a lot of attention? How do I find balance? Advice appreciated x