I think the question is "which of us have not been made to seem like a monster to BM?"

Perhaps counseling is in order.

And yes, I am fine with my hubby having alone time with his child. I like my alone time with my kids.

But.....this BM is working hard to make sure the kids don't like you. What a complete bitch. She and she alone is creating a situation for them to lose thier dad. Again....she is a worthless mother bitch.

I have no answers. Just love on your hubby and your kids. Treat them with respect should they come back to your home. Be proud of who you are at the end of the day.

I'm not so sure they don't want to be around you. What it sounds like is when they were with you they actually had a pretty good time. And when they got back to BM they told her what she wanted to hear, that you were horrible, mean, etc. It's clear she's rewarding them for disliking you. It's also clear that she's the one who is jealous of you - her comment about not bringing you if DH came to dinner was NOT from the skids' minds I think.

I think you are making a mistake by not having the kids to the house again. I believe your BM is waging a PAS campaign. It goes like this "your DH loves his new family more than you. I am the only one that truly loves you." You and DH need to counter that. Not having them to the house again just feeds into it. If you get a chance, read "Divorce Poison." I get that there are some stepkids that are truly toxic and need to be banned, but your situation does not sound like this.

And yeah, all skids report back to BM. I hate it too, but it's just how it is.

Yes I have! Oh my gosh yes! When sd first moved to her new home, dh said he thought that was really close to where the jail was. BM said no it wasn't. So when we went to drop sd off for the first time at her new home, dh said (with out thinking), "I knew it was close to the jail! Look Nunya, you see that building right there? That's the jail!"

Well apparently sd took this and somehow turned it into me saying it. So she told her mom that I said they live in a scary place and the jail is right there. That she needs to be really scared at night. That she has to make sure all the does and windows are locked.

Nobody said all that (except that the jail is right there, that was dh, not me). Do I think she needs to check her does and windows? Yes, but I think everyone should. Every night I check my home's doors and windows, and I live in a very safe community. I check because break ins happen every where.

We are in a similar situation, in which BM is hateful and nasty about me to the kids. She's hateful and nasty about DH, too, but at least it's the bed he made. The Skids get lots of attention and loving from her as long as they're spewing venom about us, and they get rejected if they say anything nice or God forbid, have fun with us. It sounds like much the same is happening for you.

That said, I'm jealous reading your blog. Your husband gets it and is willing to protect you from their crazy. Every time DH and I try to talk about how I feel about the situation, I'm trying to make him choose between me and his kids. I don't want him to have to choose, but it's not my fault that this is the way his kids behave, it's the horrible ex's. I'm just suffering the consequences.

I get what some of the others are saying about the idea that giving the Skids one-on-one time is what they want. But who wants to fight all the time in their own home?

I'll ask the obvious question. Where was Dad? An infant, two toddlers and two little girls need sunscreen. You have two hands. Skids can't do well on their own backs no matter how hard they may try (Adults would have trouble doing a 100% decent job on their own backs).

if you managed to take five kids between 9months and 9yrs out in the sun all weekend and only one came through it with some sunburn on their back, you did pretty well. If SD9 managed to do her own sunscreen and only got some sunburn on her back, SD did pretty well too. But again, where was Dad? Why was Dad not saying to his daughter 'here daughter, let me make sure you got your back, it's a hard place to reach'?

BM is angry at you and girls say you wouldn't help them. Ok. But where was Dad and why is he getting a pass. These young kiddos are his kids. There were there to spend a weekend with him. He was present. It's not too much of a reach to think Dad should have been assisting his older children .....hmmm. Typical. The woman (in this case you the SM) is to do all the 'mommy' stuff, but the male who the children are visiting gets a pass.

You know, if the father were sharing his attention with all the children AND attending to his older ones while you attend to your younger ones, the skids wouldn't feel so left out and jealous. They would have no need to. But now you're the 'bad guy' and the evil SM.

Is the drive up and dinner out a regular scheduled visitation time? If so, load up your vehicle with your family and drive up for the scheduled visitation. If BM refuses to let the kids come out and get in the car to go for dinner (even though you are present) Dad needs to document the refusal.

I think you're wrong to ban the girls of 7 and 9 from your home over what little you've given as a reason. IMO you're also wrong that Dad can bail on these two girls at this young age and that years later aka down the road they'll come to desire a relationship with him. Dad choose to have this many kids and this close together. Now it's up to Dad to figure out how he's going to manage to be father to all the kids four days a month without building a wall between the kids.

How will banning a 7 and 9 year old from his home, help with the jealously issue? :? If anything, that just confirms that "daddy loves his new kids more than he loves you".

Dad has to step up and do the work needy to ensure all 5 of kids understand that he loves and cares about them all equally. He can't do that by pushing the older two away.

I get where you are coming from as far as bm attacking you and what you say/do (fictitious or not). I've been attacked by bm repeatedly. Sometimes, she's made such wild accusation (and puts them in writing too) that it's laughable. Recently, after it being "my responsibility" as stepmom to watch them when she had to work because "it was only fair that she has free babysitting too," now I am not allowed to be alone with her children because I am not to be trusted (again, laughable because of my career).

What it boils down to is she is angry that she can't control dh anymore. I don't know if it is the same in your dynamic, but it does sound similar with the kids lying so blatantly about a situation. Bm probably doesn't like the fact that you have successfully done what she cannot. You and dh are married longer, have a thriving relationship, and children that are (based on what you have said) well adjusted. Your "success" my be enough to push her over the edge.

I would establish clear boundaries with the kids and bm. I would discuss the situation directly with the girls, asking what they said. It may be that bm is embellishing what they said or maybe they flat out lied. If it's the second, there needs to be a frank discussion as to why lying will not be tolerated as well as the consequences for it. As far as bm, email communications only, unless it is a dire emergency. She calls, screen it. Not an emergency, email a reply. Every.time?

I think "banning" two kids from the home over an ALLEGED bad mouthing to BM about SM ( which is 100% normal.... all Skids try to play one side against the other) says more about the poster than it does about BM or the SKids.

For all the OP knows, the SKids didn't say a damned thing, BM saw some sunburn and filled the rest in for dramatic flair.