Finances
SO and I have separate finances.
I know that many individuals on this site feel that his money is his money and my money is my money. That's fine to a certain extent but what about when it come to OUR future together.
SO pays $850 per month CS, we both pay for ALL clothing, shoes, school expenses and extracurricular activities. We also send toothbrushes to BM's house a couple times a year, shampoo, food (even though she has food stamps) and I now buy "snacks" for the kids to have during class (since when do kids have to snack during class). SD has also started doing all her laundry at our house. She brings a trash bag of clothes every Friday to wash.
Sometimes I get really frustrated with the amount of our financial resources that have to support BM's house. When I bring it up to SO, he gets pissed and says I'm stopping him from taking care/helping his kids.
I know that I don't have to spend one dime of my money on skids. I also know that SO is going to spend every spare dime he has on them. Is there a point when I can say enough is enough. Even if it means he needs to cut back as well. I know I can't tell him how to spend his own money but we are getting married this year and would like us to be able to retire one day. On the other hand I don't want Skids to have to do without necessary items because BM won't use CS for what it's intended for, taking care of SS and SD.
I guess it's a no win situation.
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He pays half of all our
He pays half of all our household expenses but I also pay half of all Skids expenses (give or take) except CS.
I take them to the dentist. I take time off work because SO only gets 5 days vacation time a year and BM refuses (even though she works nights). They had 18 cavities between them by the time I finally said BM had enough chances to take them, I'm doing it now. I don't recall the dentist giving them toothbrushes but I don't see how they become "lost" in the first place. I don't think I've ever lost a toothbrush.
She does exactly zero for
She does exactly zero for them. Never has. In fact the school thinks I'm the bio mom. They have never seen her.
It does sound no-win, and it
It does sound no-win, and it sucks that your BM is a cheap skate.
But ultimately, snacks and laundry should not prevent you from saving for retirement. I think for the sake of marital peace I would simply keep my mouth shut and shop at Costco to stock up.
If money is so tight that these little extras do impact the rest of the family in a meaningful way, than that is another issue entirely.
I agree that laundry (I just
I agree that laundry (I just glad she's doing it) and snacks aren't going to break us. BUT they are young. Before you know it braces, cars at 16, college. All things I want for them but..... I also want to ensure SO and I are set for our future when kids leave. Maybe I'm thinking on this too much. They are still young.
I will freely admit it's not
I will freely admit it's not just SO. I do it too. I told SO that I wasn't buying anymore Skids clothes last summer. That lasted until Dec during the PTC. SD's teacher told me that the kids make fun her clothes (she was dressing like a homeless person because SO also put his foot down and told BM she had to buy school clothes this year). SD was crying and I felt horrible for her. I grew up really poor and kids made fun of me too. I know how much it hurts. It's not SD's fault that BM won't buy them a few outfits.
So I broke my own rule and bought SD a bunch of clothes for Christmas. And I just spend $50 on bras for her a few weeks ago. She needs those and BM refused to buy her any. She gave an 11yr old her old bras' :? .
I don't think that BM would
I don't think that BM would lose custody because she won't buy school clothes or toothbrushes.
SD's teacher said she would love to call CPS on BM but "it isn't bad enough" She also said she wanted to punch her in the face.
if it's good enough for them,
if it's good enough for them, it'd be good enough for me. my dh chose this woman to mother his children. let her mother (or not as she chooses). I would never accept my dh making up for his ex's lack of parenting (and he DID obtain custody) when it placed a burden on our future together. if he can't accept this, he's not ready to marry a woman and be a full and present partner to her.
Why do you feel that you have
Why do you feel that you have to pay half of the skids expenses? Is this something that you want to do? Does SO expect you to do it? If you stopped, would he be mad at you?
stop. just stop. you are on
stop. just stop. you are on the road to divorce before you even marry. if you keep giving, bm will keep taking. it is NOT your responsibility to provide 1 penny towards THEIR children. if you wish to do so, do it. but, you wouldn't be complaining about it if you were ok doing it. don't feel guilty when their teeth rot out of their head when you quit providing for other peoples' children. it's not YOUR fault (so get over the guilt-easier said than done, I know but FORCE yourself). when you quit, either dh will step up and do what he needs to do or force bm to. if not...oh, well. and if your so gets pissy that you've quit being an atm for his kids, do not marry him. it will only get worse unless you can make him see the light. if you have so little sway with a man so as he cannot accept influence from you, ditch him. you will be miserable. when you begin standing up for yourself, you will have to prepare to be dumped (he has to love you enough to accept that you are not his/his kids' sugar momma). this was a hill to die on for me. and exactly what another poster said, if bm isn't stepping up with her kids, your so should have full custody (no more excuses that you are preventing him from caring for his kids). not a penny over child support. when he marries you, he is taking on an ADDITIONAL responsibility: to you, your marriage and your financial future together. after all, you're not marrying him so that you can spend your money on his ex's house. YOUR home comes first (and your retirement).
Have you guys ever written
Have you guys ever written out a budget? Or maybe seen a financial planner? Keeping your finances separate can work well, but you do still need to figure out the "stuff we pay together" stuff. And that should include a retirement fund! (Actually, my DH and I have retirement accounts, and we also contribute to an "emergency fund" account for unexpected bills.) Once you've taken care of yourselves, then let go of what he spends the rest of his money on. (And don't let him tell YOU what to do with yours either!)
We haven't but we need to
We haven't but we need to soon. When we get married, I will pay for all of our health insurance through my work. It's better and cheaper than SO's.
Stop and get a pre-nup. I
Stop and get a pre-nup. I co-mingle nothing with DH. We have a good marriage and he pays for his kid and I pay for mine. We also both contribute the maximum to our IRA's. Nothing less is acceptable if we want to be able to retire. Our thoughts on how that works out when we retire are still a work in progress, but at least there will be no resentment because one contributed and the other didn't. I am paying tuition for BS20 in college and DH will pay for his SS16. I am struggling to pay for BS and he will struggle to pay for his at the time that I will be done with BS, he will be starting. Not his problem and not my problem. We split all bills 50/50 even when my income goes up and down.
I do know I just wanted my SIL divorce after 15 years and it turned out she had been maximizing her contribution and he hadn't. So she had to give him half of her retirement and sell their house in a down economy in Detroit. She is starting over at 47.
Jsmom , OMG - Mother
Jsmom , OMG - Mother clucker!!!!!!! Your poor SIL. Marriage is indeed betting half your S*&^ and I am not a gambling woman myself. I'm unlucky in love. I'm not getting married again. No one is taking half my home or half my retirement.
I emptied my retirement
I emptied my retirement account, when ExH and I split. So he got nothing. Now I have to start over but at least that asswipe didn't get a dime and I paid off my car and bought some furniture.
How many more years until
How many more years until child support is over?
When I feel that way I tell myself "four more years. four more years." SO pays $1000 a month plus a whole bunch more for other stuff for them and does not contribute to our house or our child right now. But four more years wlll go by fast and then he darn sure better start contributing to OUR future or he and I won't have a future. That's the way I look at it. My SO swears that at the age of 18 the $1000 a month will be going to us. Right now the way it looks is SD15 won't be college bound with her grades. I got prepaid college plans for my oldest three and they are in gifted or will be. He has no such plan for SD13 and said his parents didn't pay for college and he believes you should work or get scholarships to pay.
9 yrs. And SO keeps asking
9 yrs. And SO keeps asking me if I'm sure I don't want my own Bio. No thanks. 9 more years and our sentence is up.
Good luck with the
Good luck with the scholarships, few and far between. As for work, I don't want BS to, since his program is so hard. His job is school. Now, he refused to get a job in the summer, so I made him take three classes.
With tuition at a state school costing almost 13K a semester, how does he expect her to pay that? She will have debt that will be unbelievable and unless she goes on for her Masters or Doctorate, most jobs do not pay enough to pay back those loans for years. I do not want that for my child. Also, my parents didn't help me and I did some loans and worked through school. Just because they didn't help me, doesn't mean I won't help my child. I love when people look at me and ask why I don't just BS20 take out loans and I generally answer, " I love my kid and my one job is to launch him and why would I want to make his life so much harder".
He will launch and he will be fine and I look forward to the day when I have disposable income again...Again, you only pay these bills for college, if you can afford it and you are maximizing your own retirement. After that, you sacrifice everything else to help them as long as they are pulling their weight and getting the grades.