Stepdad seems to be making a path of overstepping...
For those of you that have Bm's that have remarried, how do their Dh's act regarding the step situation?
As you may know, Bm is now married and since she and her Dh have bit the bullet, I've noticed that her Dh seems to be overstepping boundaries. For instance last weekend when they came to drop off Ss, they BOTH came to our door. Now mind you, Ss was using a nebulizer treament and Bm I guess was too lazy to text Dh to advise him how to use it so she decided to just tell him verbally. So both she AND her Dh came to our door and when Bm was explaining to Dh how to use it, Dh asked BM "well are you sure he still needs this?", her Dh spoke up instead of Bm and said "yes, yes, he does, the doctor said he does." Dh didn't care too much but I just thought it was strange. I mean, Dh and BM created Ss without the assistance of her now Dh, so what gives? She's been with this guy for almost 2 yrs now and Ss will be soon be 7...I think they can handle their kid without stepdaddy interjecting... wtf?
Do you guys see this? I just know if I ever tried to assert myself in the middle of anything with Ss, It would be the end of the world. I'm very very curious to see what else this bozo does in the future. Not stressful at all considering he's a nice guy and way more pleasant than Bm BUT still so strange to think he has some sort of say... Kwim?
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Stepdad in our situation has
Stepdad in our situation has tried to take over the role of dad and with BM's blessing. They do everything they can in this area. Our situation is very bad though and BM doesn't want DH in skids lives. Your situation doesn't sound that bad. Perhaps it's just a matter of the recent marriage and feeling he is now "officially" a step-parent.
Yeah, things in our situation
Yeah, things in our situation aren't that bad and I think that's mainly because Bm isn't like crazy crazy... lol... what i mean is, she's crazy but she's a coward and is only mean/loud when she's around her mom or friends or when she's on the phone, otherwise she cowers. I feel like she has totally handed the reins over to her Dh because she's trying to send the message that he's Ss new dad, ya know? It's so stupid. Dh doesn't care because he thinks they're both idiots but still...so weird. lol.
Ya know Tausha, you may be on
Ya know Tausha, you may be on to something. Bm seems to hate Dh with a passion and I know if Dh felt that strongly toward Bm, I'd be concerned that he still felt SOMETHING for her.
I get the vibe that this guy
I get the vibe that this guy is trying to send that message as well. Dh said he doesn't care though because the guy really is a nice guy and he treats Ss good and that's all that Dh cares about. Dh also said he wants to send the message to Bm that he's okay with the stepdad so she should be okay with me as Sm... I doubt that message will ever be received but whatever.
I haven't read down any more
I haven't read down any more than here yet, but that' what was in my thought. SO the SF came up to door with BM hey free pass for you to come to door and 'take the how-to' course also. WHat could BM possibly say? She may even have to mind her p's n q's so SF doesn't get an eyeful of what a witch she's been/can be to you.
I think it's good the SS knows how to do the instrument (you never know when he may have to be the one to help SS with it) and that he cares for the child's needs. Even a better pass for you to be able to do the same without BM getting her panties in a knot. Surely she can't tell you to mind your own business if she has SF right there sticking his nose into what's ot really his business if that's the case.
It's good SF is a nice guy and that SS and SF get along. As long as SF doesn't start telling Dad how to parent Dad's kid or begins thinking he has equal decision making powers when he comes to SS, this could be a good thing. What more could a COD ask for than four grown-up (two parents and two stepparents) getting along civilly and all having a good relationship with the child?
I think it took you by surprise and questioning the boundaries of it due to the crap BM has tossed your way in the past. IIRC , this S is the one who may be doing drop-off/pick-ups with you/Dad. He could end up being the rational 'kid's best interest' guy civil person on BM's side making Dad/you not have to deal with BM as much and/or in the hostile way of the past.
If the guy really starts overstepping or starts making Dad feel threatened and/or uncomfortable, then it's a matter of asking the guy to step back and let the actual parents communicate. But I'd give the guy a chance until or if he proves he's going for more than what's appropriate.
You're a nice, caring lady. SF seems to be a nice, caring guy and you both seem to care for the SS. That can all be a huge plus...unless BM decides SF should be 'new daddy'. You know yourself that you don't try to be 'new mommy' , so give the guy a chance to be a nice, easy to get along way concerned SP like you are. Time will tell ad DH can shut down the shenanigans if SF/BM start getting out of line about it all.
I always love reading your
I always love reading your responses twoviewpoints, thank you
<3
ps. you are dead on when you say it threw me off because of all the crap Bm has thrown my way.
In our case, even if DH
In our case, even if DH thought my skids' step dad was overstepping, he couldn't do anything about it (as long as no abuse or neglect was occurring.) Because the BM in our case does whatever she wants. I think what irritates me is that for the last 13 years I've been given explicit instructions on what I am NOT allowed to do..but BM can do whatever she wants because she's the CP..we just deal with it. But it is frustrating
Ha, sounds like my situation
Ha, sounds like my situation too.
I think that's why this bothers me. Ever since I met Ss, it's always been 'you're not his mother' 'you're not a mother figure at all' 'he only has 1 mom!' yet suddenly it's okay for Ss to have 2 father figures. I do so much for that kid and I don't ever exclude him so it stings a little to be told 'you are nothing' and then suddenly some new guy comes strollin in and he's the allmight stepdad. stupid.
Our BM dh over steps all the
Our BM dh over steps all the time. He's been in ss13 life for as long as I've been pretty much. Bm cheated on dh with this guy. The thing that annoys me is that BMs he will discipline ss13, this guy still spanks him. My dh gets upset over this because he doesn't beleive in spanking and some other person is doing this to his 13 year old kid. Dh has called CPS, unfortunately it's still legal. The step dad use to get in screaming matches with my dh during the exchanges. Dh and Bm would not agree on something, Bm would then say she is afraid of dh, then step dad would try to publicly defend Bm. My husband has never yelled back, but he does call them out on thier bullshit. Ss was also forced to call step dad "dad" at a young age and made to call dh by his first name in thier house. We know this because ss stumbles sometimes and will let it slip.
I just don't care to much anymore. I use to get mad that the step dad over stepped his boundaries and I was working on not doing this. But now with ss13 behavior, I could care less what happens. I guess I'm extremely disengaged.
That's so strange. Bm tried
That's so strange. Bm tried that whole gotta call stepdad dad thing, thankfully though when they went to court, Dh had is added in the CO that steps couldn't be called mom or dad. We know there really isn't any way to enforce that however it sent a message to Bm and we stopped hearing about it.
I have decided to try to not care anymore, it's hard but I'm trying. I was stressing out last week because I had mentioned to Dh that I wanted to look into swimming lessons for Dd. Well Ss overheard this and asked why he couldn't take swimming lessons too. I said I'd see if they had anything on weekend but he might have to ask his mom. Well when I said that Ss got a sad look on his face and sat back and said "my mom won't have time for that.." SOooo needless to say I looked into it and everything is during the week and anything on the weekend would be private and super expensive. I was flustered because I felt bad for him. I then realized that I need to worry about my own child and Ss's mom and dad need to figure that out. Bm refuses to put Ss in anything and he's just too far for us to be able to do it. So basically I've been trying to slow withdrawl myself.
The Stepdad in our situation
The Stepdad in our situation oversteps all the time. He's not a bad guy (actually we like him and see him as the troll's victim). We think the troll is trying to have her hub#5 replace DH in ways. For example: when the troll calls DH to yell at SD14 for something she has done, the troll will put DH on speaker phone and DH, she and her hub#5 will all be "discussing, yelling at, parenting" SD14. I don't get involved. DH doesn't put his phone on speaker and have both of us talking to SD14. Not my kid, not my responsibility.
I think you're totally
I think you're totally correct in that Tausha! Society dictates that Stpdad doesn't have to do anything for the kids yet is the savior of their lives yet SM is supposed to do everything and go above and beyond for the same children yet they need to stay in the back and keep their mouths shut when Bm is around... It's such an odd thing.
I didn't even think of that " Maybe he's trying to smooth over the situation so it's not so toxic?"... that could be so. He did start this 'overstepping' if that's even what it is after Bm's last meltdown where she flipped out on Dh. It's very very possible.
I imagine something like
I imagine something like Riverdance, only all gangly like modern dance. Whatever will you wear!?
LOL!!! The visuals I'm
LOL!!! The visuals I'm getting on this oversteppy riverdancing are priceless!
I get what you're saying
I get what you're saying however this is just one of the many things that have happened. I don't know if it's Bm pushing him to do the things he's doing or if he is doing it on his own. It's no big deal, I just think it's strange. and of course we would never treat stepdad the way that Bm has treated me because overall he is indeed a really nice man and we are happy Ss finally has some sort of positive influence in his life.
I agree, it's petty but in steplife a lot of things are petty. I'm just voicing my thoughts and trying to I guess... relate?
"give the guy a break. He's
"give the guy a break. He's just trying to fit into this step-mess"
^^Good point! lol. This life can be SO confusing.
Omg Monkeyseemonkeydo,
Omg Monkeyseemonkeydo, Awkward couldn't describe it enough!!! lol. EVERYTHING is awkward. It's such a strange dynamic to be involved in. sheesh.
Oh yeah, I def cut him slack because he is a nice guy. At the last event at Ss's school he actually came up and introduced himself to me (we'd never formally met because by the time he came on the scene Bm started to pretend I didn't exist) and did babytalk with Dd-he's great, I think maybe my butts just a little chapped because I've tried so hard with Bm and she's always been either super nice (and that's only because someone she wanted to impress was watching) or either really rude so when Stepdad does these things that are seemingly normal I'm like, 'how dare he!' while stamping my feet lol!
It always seems to me that
It always seems to me that BMs babydaddy2 only ever overstepped when he felt like BM needed back up aka not getting what she wanted. I know she's told him her "victim" storyline so he feels the need to protect Her from us bullies. Too bad he's had to learn the hard way, BM is no victim and never will be.
I feel like this may be the
I feel like this may be the case with Bm too. At this interaction Bm seemed SO nervous to be there on our doorstep... so much so her hands were shaking. I can't figure out if it was an act or if it's because she's so much of a bully that she was terrified to be removed from her element (her house) and be on what she considers our territory.
Exact same with BM2.
Exact same with BM2.
Hey, I'd rather deal with
Hey, I'd rather deal with BM's husband than with BM, and I think DH feels the same way. So wouldn't mind that at all!
LOL! Elizabeth, you got a
LOL! Elizabeth, you got a GREAT point!!! Dh feels that same way! He said he'd rather deal with stpdad all day long as opposed to seeing Bm's sullen face.
BM2 is the only BM who has
BM2 is the only BM who has gotten married, and her new husband is only 6 years older than SS16, so just a baby himself. I think he plays more of the "big brother" role than the Stepdad role. This marriage is never going to last, I just hope it lasts until SS is 18 so DH doesn't become BM2's new "go to" person when she has no man.
BM1 will never get married. I can't imagine there is any dumb enough, drunk enough, or high enough to marry that thing. No problem knocking her up (5 kids 3 baby daddies) but nobody ever stays with her.