News at Five: PAS does not always work. Here is a fantastic example of how it DOESN'T.

My DH plays in a band. His band, which is relatively new, used to practice in the guitar player's mother's house. The guitar player is 21, a full time college student, majoring in physics and music, and a musician who plays in 3 bands. He is also a son of divorced parents who lives with his mother as she is closer to the college he commutes to and pays his way through. At least he lives with her much of the time. He makes a living tutoring his classmates in physics and other subjects that he also takes.

Tonight is his dad's birthday bash that is held 100 miles away, in a country club. The son was heavily involved in planning it. The band my husband is in is going to play there and was supposed to practice at the usual place, this guy's mother's house, yesterday. Last night at 5, the guitar player suddenly sends an email saying, We won't be able to do that tonight, let's meet at another location, I will explain when i see you.

Here is his explanation ( as told to me this morning by DH):

My parents are divorced and my mother pretty much hates my dad, blames him for everything and wants me to blame him too. She is narcissistic for sure. My dad has a job that often takes him out of state while she is on disability, so she cannot work. She also has an addiction to pain killers that flares up now and then. A few years ago she was hospitalized several times, once for trying to take her life. When things get bad I cannot stay with her any more, so I could not bring you guys to that house last night.

( I want to add that when my husband met both parents in that house, the mother seemed crusty and ok but DH said you could feel that if something was not to her liking she would turn on you very quickly. The father he had not spent any time with but it is clear the father has a bit of a temper. The son is very close to his father though. I do not know how long they have been divorced. The father has a gf.)

The guitar player added, "So when my mother goes off on one of her tangents, I just tell her that I know she hates my dad but i am not going to hate him for her."

DH must have listened to that with baited breath. I wonder if this 21yo guy who has such maturity and fully formed sense of self will consider giving a few pointers on how to deal with a crazy mother to my skids - who are older than him! Next month I am hoping to be able to invite him to our house for dinner to talk about college life as my BS18 was accepted to the same college the guitar player attends and to find out more. I am in AWE of him - he is productive, positive, creative and able to deal with heady stuff. How bitter sweet for my DH to learn his story... this mother sounds BPD first and NPD second, but BM in my life is NPD first and BPD later. I wonder if it is easier for the kids to identify BPD's behaviors as too crazy and disorganized earlier but when NPD is better able to present a false functional, intelligent facade it is harder to see the truth.

In any case, this is my moment of inspiration for the day which I could not wait to share with you guys.