"Not my job" and other updates.
SD7 recently had a father/daughter thing at her school, something kind of along the lines of a "day with dad" at school. DH wasn't told anything about it, until SD7 came over talking about her SF taking her. This is the SF whom she's forced to call "dad", while being forced to call DH by his first name. There has been LOTS of PAS drama over the years (most of it coming from BM). Up to the point that recently, BM is trying to terminate DH's rights with a bogus lawsuit so SF can adopt her. There's no way that will happen, her own lawyer has tried to get her to drop the case, but she doesn't seem capable of comprehending reality.
Anyway, DH texted BM about being excluded from the "day with dad" thing.
DH: Why didn't you tell me about "day with dad"?
BM: Her dad went.
BM: And its not my job.
WTH :jawdrop: The conversation went on, finally BM tells DH that it's not her job to tell him about things, "conversation over."
Since we are going to court soon, once for her bogus adoption lawsuit and once for DH showing BM has been in contempt for various things, we'll be keeping all text messages to and from BM. How much will her refusal to pass along information matter to a judge? Anybody dealt with anything like this before? BM has a looooong history of trying to keep DH out of SD's life.
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He did call the school to ask
He did call the school to ask why he wasn't told - apparently a form was sent home with the students, and he couldn't have gone even if he had known in time unless he was signed up on that form that went home (to BM's house). She, of course, signed up SF instead without ever saying a word to DH. SD7 goes to a very small school and they dont do much for parent communication beyond sending things home with the kids. Newsletters are not mailed or even emailed, they are sent home with kids. BM intercepts everything that is sent home with SD, so DH never sees it.
I had a similar problem with
I had a similar problem with my ex. I went and talked to the teachers, and they have a folder set up in the classroom. They know our schedule, so every time it is my turn to pick up BS, they put the folder in his bookbag. It helps we do pick ups and drop offs via the school, but could you set something like this up, or even just ask them to keep a copy and drop by the school regularly to pick it up?
In my experience, the teachers are happy when parents are involved, and as long as the drama is not brought into the school, they are happy to do little things like this.
BS teacher is awesome. He had a project he did with dad...it was incomplete, and she sent me an email today "I know you have BS for the rest of the week, so rather than a photo, let him do a drawing" It was a family thing he did at dads, so I have no photos! Right now, ex and I are civil, so I actually called him to ask, but he does not have a suitable photo.
Clearly depends on the school and teachers, but worth asking.
Yup.
Yup.
This is a small school, and
This is a small school, and while they do have a website, it is rarely updated. They don't really do much to tell parents about things beyond sending things home with the kids.
See my post above, but our
See my post above, but our school sends out a weekly email telling us what went home that week. At least I know to check and ask for things I guess. But, yes, a lot of schools still do the "send it with the child" thing which is crazy - especially with older kids who do not want that information going home!
Then he needs to call the
Then he needs to call the school or email the teacher once a week to stay in touch with what is going on in his kids life. Bottom line, he will make it a priority if it's really that important to him.
It's easy to blame the BM but seriously, my own H tried to pull this shit with me and I shut his dumb ass down right away.
He wants to be involved, then get involved. Stop waiting around for the person who is on a PAS campaign to suddenly become a friendly, helpful exW who complies with his requests.
It's hard to prove when a
It's hard to prove when a parent is excluding the other parent when it comes to school notifications but since she's also excluding your DH in other ways such as the whole BS adoption then it can only help to give the judge as many examples of her excluding DH as possible so he gets the full picture of BM.. The judge will not be happy that BM won't let your DH be the dad he should be regardless if she's found a replacement for him or not.
Thank you all for the advice!
Thank you all for the advice! I think the ideas of emailing her teachers once a week and keeping logs of BM denying participation are great ideas. He had just been keeping text messages/social media posts/etc because we thought those things were evidence - didn't know we could make our own list, even if there's no "hard evidence" other than us testifying that it happened. You all rock!
Although I am sure that BM is
Although I am sure that BM is PASing plenty (and I hope you got the "their dad" comment in writing!), it is on your DH to keep tabs on his kids. Not BM's job to inform him.
That given, I am kind of surprised that skid didn't say anything.
Wow, I can't believe she said
Wow, I can't believe she said "Her dad went" to your husband.
This sounds exactly like something our BM would do. She's always pushing for SD to call her fiancé "Dad" and to call my husband by his first name. She even put something in writing about it when they were renegotiating the custody agreement, claiming that SD herself wanted it that way.
I do agree with some of the others who are saying that your husband needs to stay on top of what's going on in his daughter's life. My husband is bad for this as well - he doesn't do anything to stay involved but then gets mad after finding out that BM's fiancé did something with SD that was father/daughter related.