An étiquette blog got me thinking...
Another poster was talking about wedding etiquette and I didn't want to highjack her blog. I have found that proper etiquette has all but been lost lately. People don't believe in saying thank you for a gift received. They don't reciprocate kindness, they show up at your house for a dinner party empty handed. All so incredibly rude to me. I wouldn't be caught DEAD showing up at someones home without a gift for the hostess. A bottle of wine, a fresh pack of flowers, a scented candle, a dessert. ANYTHING!
Let me give you all a few scenarios and I would like to know if you feel that my actions were harsh.
Since I have been with DH, (going on 15 years) I have been sure to include his family and loved ones on our Xmas List.
I stopped buying gifts for most of the in-laws many years ago due to our fractured relationship. However, I continued to include in our Xmas list 4 nieces and nephews and his Goddaughter.
His GD is 22. She is also BM's niece. I have a great relationship with GD22, for the most part, and she considers me her Godmother (by marriage).
GD22 found out via SD14 that BS17 was having a child. I was really upset at the time because as you all know I was struggling with the news myself and I didn't want BM or my in-laws to know. (I hate my in-laws and they hate me & they LOVE BM)
GD22 made a comment to me a few months before GB was born that really upset me. She alluded to the fact that I always treated BS17 like a little Prince and that I was blind to his ways. Insinuating (or at least that's the way I took it) that I was being punished by the Universe because I thought my son was perfect.
When she and I had this conversation, I immediately crossed her off my Xmas list. I felt that if this was how she felt, then she was not deserving of my or my DH's gracious gifts every year. However, it wasn't the only reason I stopped gifting her (albeit the MAIN reason). I felt that at age 22, with a job, there was no reason why she had never in the last 15 years purchased a birthday card for me or DH. Or a Christmas card or a Thank You card for that matter. I felt that you have to give to receive and that after 15 years of receiving gifts from us, wouldn't it be appropriate to give her Godfather a CARD at the very least? She was expecting a gift, because she text me a few times leading up to the Holidays to say "HI" and a few days after as well. She received nothing and has been permanently removed from my Xmas List.
His other niece and nephew are 18 and 15. They too have received gifts from us every year for the past 15 years. This Xmas, I dropped them off the list as well. The reason being that I only heard from the niece ONCE all year and it was coincidentally two days before Xmas. The nephew, has not ONCE in the last 5 years even sent his Uncle a text saying THANKS for the Xmas gifts. So I dropped them too.
I also dropped 3 other kids off my list because I never received a text, an email or a phone call from the mother saying "Thanks!"
I actually had sent someone a housewarming gift once in lieu of attending their housewarming because of a conflict of schedule. I actually had to have the package tracked because I found it incredibly odd that I never heard a peep from the recipient so I thought maybe the package had been lost. Nope, SHE signed for the package herself and she never said thank you!
I know that gift giving is a choice. I personally enjoy gift giving. I enjoy gift giving far more than I enjoy receiving gifts. But is it wrong of me to get annoyed when someone receives a gift and they don't even take the 25 seconds it takes to shoot out a thank you text? And is it wrong to feel that certain behaviors like only calling during the Holiday's or NEVER reciprocating are reasons to be permanently exiled off my Xmas List?
Maybe I'm just too old school. I do still send out birthday cards in the mail and Xmas cards. It's a lost art it seems.
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Comments
It's called MANNERS, and it
It's called MANNERS, and it is becoming a lost art. My mother would be rolling in her grave if any of her children neglected this (what should be a common) courtesy. Manners, like social etiquette and niceties, and respect are sadly going the way of the dodo bird.
Seriously. BS17 went to a BBQ
Seriously. BS17 went to a BBQ with his GF at a family members home that he had never met. I immediately drove him to Shop Rite and picked up a dessert for him to take to the BBQ. He told me that he wasn't asked to bring anything, to which I replied "You should never wait to be asked. You never show up empty handed, anywhere."
It starts at home.
Nope, I think you're totally
Nope, I think you're totally right to remove them from the list. They showed zero appreciation (or even acknowledgment) of YOU - why would you do anything for them?? That's not even etiquette, it's basic common courtesy.
I will say though that I am HORRIBLE about Christmas cards. DH and I seem to be on several people's list of "who to send cards to", and we never manage to send out any of our own.
Although we do call people and thank them for the card!
But at least you acknowledge
But at least you acknowledge receiving the card. THAT is common courtesy which is most definitely a lost art these days.
True that! WE have a friend
True that! WE have a friend who is a total hermit. He NEVER sends any kind of card to anyone. Not even his parents. However, he always always always thanks us via phone call or email for the Christmas/birthday cards we send him.
It's freaking ridiculous and
It's freaking ridiculous and sad. My dad is the only family that lives far away and he is always very generous for Christmas and Birthdays and even acknowledges BS5 for little stuff like Valentines, Halloween etc.
For the big things like Christmas and Birthday, I send him and his wife an actual thank you card and now that BS5 is old enough I have him write his own name and draw a little picture and I will continue to do this with the hopes that BS5 teaches his children the same. When my dad sends BS5 $5.00 for Valentines or something I just send him a thank you text or email... but I ALWAYS say thank you and I expect BS5 to do the same.
SIL can't stand SD16 just for the reasons you were talking about.... SD16 can't be bothered with SIL or her daughters who are obviously SD16 cousins, has never offered to babysit, never been to a birthday party, although (until recently) always invited, never is in contact with SIL... UNTIL she wants something. SIL is a hairdresser and a damn good one. Going back 3-4 years, GBM would call SIL and ask if she could highlight SD's hair. SIL would begrudgingly say OK and the first time they showed up an hour late (SIL told them sorry, she couldn't do it because obviously she had other clients) and then the next time they came, they didn't pay her... not even a freaking tip! They just expected SIL was doing it for free?! After that SIL said screw that and has refused ever since,, DH even tried to sucker her back into it when SD moved in with us and SIL stood her ground. Good grief, SIL and I are pretty close and I STILL PAY her to do my hair AND give her a tip, because I insist... and it is just the right thing to do.
I seriously have lost hope if most of humanity...
*lol* I've actually said
And just to reaffirm your
And just to reaffirm your faith in humanity, I offer this...
The other weekend was my niece's birthday party, held at a kid place. At the end of the party, I'm trying to herd my 3 hooligans out the door to the car (one of my 2 year olds in full on meltdown mode because he wanted to party, not nap). This boy, maybe 12 years old, runs over to the door and holds it for all of us! THAT kid is being raised right!
Funny you should mention
Funny you should mention this. Dh and I attended a wedding this year for his boss's son. We gave a card and a generous cash gift. We never received a thank you note! And I might mention that the year before we gave this same boss's daughter a generous cash gift and card for her graduation and received no thank you then either!
I mean what the hell is wrong with people?! My parents would be mortified if I had ever done anything as shameless as receiving a gift and then not acknowledging it! In fact, I still send thank you cards. My aunt sent me Washington apples for the holidays and I sent a thank you note. My other aunt sent my boys gifts at Christmas and my boys aged 10 and 7 wrote out thank you notes for them.
There is nothing lost in showing gratitude and it takes only a few moments of your time. Call me old fashioned but manners matter.
I really don’t understand why
I really don’t understand why people don’t teach their kids manners. I was always taught the rule of thumb was that if you didn’t open the gift (bday, Christmas or Graduation) in front of them that you sent a card or called with a thank you. Obviously for wedding showers or baby showers you send a note either way.
I wondered wth was wrong with my future MIL when my SO acted like I was batshit crazy when I told him his kids better call my grandmother to tell her thank you for their Christmas gift she sent home with us for them. He said he had never heard of such a thing??? Say WHAT? That means his own mom didn’t teach him and that means his ex-wife didn’t teach him this either. How can you be 40+ years old and not know basic manners? I also made SO call my step dad and thank him for the gift he sent home with me for SO.
I bought the skids both books on manners after I learned they didn’t have any. I am sure the books are collecting dust somewhere but at least they can’t say they “didn’t know”. Rude people are everywhere and they are breeding!!
We just found $150 worth of brand new clothes with price tags still attached in SKIDS drawer left here from Christmas. Guess they got so much stuff they didn't notice they left half of it at my house. I was purple pissed, what a couple of asses, who in the world would leave $150 worth of clothes behind? Ungrateful skids is who. No sweat off of my back because I have all of you guys and my ass is learning on the daily how to deal with this crap. I reduced their bday gift fund money to $50 each since they obviously have so much stuff they don't need anymore things from me.
If I don't receive a thank you then there will not be another gift given in the future.
I'd return all of it. They
I'd return all of it. They wouldn't notice it if it was gone.
My mom had us writing thank
My mom had us writing thank you notes from a very young age and I continue it to this day.
I went to visit my aunt in NYC in December and she took me everywhere and paid for everything, at her insistance. I sent a very nice handwritten thank you note for the great visit and all the things we did. A few weeks later, she mailed me one of her coats that didn't fit her, but fit me well, I just couldn't fit it into my suitcase. I sent her a thank you note for that, too.
On my mom's side of the family, for grandkids, there is me and my brother, and my three cousins (daughters from uncle). That's it. When my mother died last year, not a PEEP from those girls. When their dad died a few months later, both my brother and I sent sympathy cards to each cousin. My uncle was very rich, so I'm sure my cousins are all very well off right now, and that's fine....money still doesn't buy you manners.
If I give a gift to someone and they don't at LEAST acknowledge it with a thank you of some kind, it will be the last gift they receive. Yes, I enjoy giving, but I do NOT enjoy giving to those that don't appreciate it.
When my 3 children received
When my 3 children received any gift, money, clothes, etc. They were not allowed to spend it, play with it or wear it before sending a thank you note. My argument was if you have time to spend it, you have time to be grateful for receiving it.