Should I stay disengaged or try again?
For the most part I've been disengaged for about 4 months now. Started slowly, not helping with homework, meds, drop offs/pick up, etc. I haven't cooked for, cleaned up after, or really spoken to SD13 in about a month. It seems like she's starting to get it. She's not AS disrespectful as she was months ago and a little better with chores.
I started feelig guily today. SO is having trouble handling the 3 older kids on his own, work, 2 court cases and our DS1. He went to a meeting with SD13's teachers and BM2. He called SD13 out on her lying and laziness. The teachers finally opened his eyes completely to it. Although I've been telling him and BM2 this for a long time...Even BM2 is starting to see it.
I am also tired of coming home from work to a disgusting house. When I see dog shit near DS1's toys I just want to lose it. I'm sick of them arguing every day about her school work, chores and responsibilities. I've always handled it better than SO and BM2.
SO is finally starting to parent his children and help around the house a little more. He had to wear stinky work clothes for a week to get that I'm tired of washing, drying, sorting and putting away his clothes on top of mine and DS1's.
I guess my question is, now that SO and SD13 are improving, should I slowly step back into the shit storm? SO asked for my help, I'm just not sure if everything will go back to the way it was before. And, if I do, how do I start?
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Well for them it is huge lol.
Well for them it is huge lol. They went from not doing chores, showering, no consequences, "here's some money for blah blah blah just don't hate me" to "go ahead, call CPS and tell them I won't give you an allowance for nothing, then go to your room", and my favorite: "SD13 said you told her she doesn't have chores and she's not grounded for stealing your stuff" is gone. I think I agree with you though. I'm going to wait a little longer and see if things improve even more.
I appreciate he advice,
I appreciate he advice, especially from someone that has dealt with this.
I'm just concerned. SD13 is failing, grades are coming up now that SO is on it, but not much. SO is having me be a back seat parent, which is actually working because she's hearing it from daddy and not his "whore".
My biggest concern is my DS1 and that I am pregnant again. Things are slowly improving but DS1 is picking up on some of the bad habits and I'mworried about the new baby being thrown into the mix . I seperate them as much as possible and DS1 is now improving as well. I know she is jealous of him and the baby on the way. I need her behavior to improve quickly or I'll be forced to leave. The thought of separating SO and 2 of his kids kills me.
She's already so behind.
She's already so behind. She's 13 and probably going to repeat the 6th grade.
He took away all electronics, Facebook was gone already for other reasons, and her drums. She's not getting her weekly dad time. Friday mornings they'd go out for breakfast before school.
I don't have to remind him that she's grounded anymore. That makes life easier.
I will always hold my kids to a higher standard. His older 2, SD18 and SS15, are also. Their mom cares. I have no trouble helping to parent them. BM2 is the real problem. She kept SD13 away for nearly 3 years and dumbed her down so much more. She started having behavior problems and BM2 convinced her I'm pretty much the devil and daddy loves me more.
I know! I don't know what she
I know! I don't know what she has gained. SD treats her like shit now too. We did nothing at first. Ignored it and told her we didn't want to hear it. Until SD called me a worthless whore, an alcoholic, bad mom etc. I flipped and when we got her home I pulled out our court documents and made her read. I know she's upset that I was the one to open her eyes to BM2's ways. I shouldn't have. That's when I made the choice to disengage and found this site. I didn't know it had a name, I just thought I was being a cunt lol.
Do not re-engage. It is not
Do not re-engage. It is not long enough to have any long lasting effect.
How long do you think I
How long do you think I should wait if/when the change happens?
I don't want to engage again,
I don't want to engage again, at least not completely. From what pps are saying and reading other blogs I agree that it's not the right time. BUT, can I start cooking again? Nothing special for her. I just miss it and the pregnancy cravings are kicking in. I cook now, but only small simple meals for SO, DS and I. I know not cooking has really hurt her. She's been living off of cereal. Well, she was, until I stopped buying it and told her to have her dad get her some.
I think disengagement means
I think disengagement means not living your life around the skid chaos. If you are avoiding doing something you like such as cooking in order to try and make a point with your skid I feel like you are still engaged on some level. Does that make sense? To me disengagement is indifference. If you want to cook then cook. Don't let your skid dictate what you do in any way.
I agree. I am stills working
I agree. I am stills working on becoming disengaged from SS13. My W is a little bit of a slob herself but I do not as much mind cleaning up after her as much but I refuse to clean up after her kid. I have tried helping out with making him responsible for household chores but with him having lived a life of never having to do anything to help out, do his share, or clean up after himself (age 0-8) it is too difficult to enforce that when I have no real authority over him. I know it, he knows it, we all know it. I'm ultimately not responsible for his outcome so I just kick back and advise him on what she has asked him to do. If he does it, he does it. If he doesn't, he dosen't.
I also did the extreme
I also did the extreme disengagement for awhile in which I was not cleaning nor cooking. My house did become a pigsty- it was gross. I also stopped buying groceries. I'd take my kids out at night or bring home food to prepare for me and my kiddos, and buy snacks for them to keep in their rooms. I lost 10 lbs those few months because I wasn't eating much. Finally one day I had enough and went a little crazy. I threw away like everything in my kitchen. All the dishes- dirty and clean. If there are no dishes they never need to be washed right? I emptied the cabinets and threw away canned goods, snacks, boxed foods- literally just stripped the kitchen bare.
Dh told ss he would have to live elsewhere the next day. I also got all new dishes
Wow. That's hardcore. Glad
Wow. That's hardcore. Glad your DH saw the light.
LOL! I would love to do that.
LOL! I would love to do that. Only problem is W would move out with her "boyfriend-son" (SS13) back into mothers basement I guess and either way I would be buying the new stuff ON TOP of me already paying for every-damn-thing!!
I tried to post a reply but
I tried to post a reply but it didn't go through. If it posted already then sorry for the double post.
I think I did take it to the extreme like a pp did. I still clean, only the 1st floor, my room and DS1's room. I rarely use the 2nd floor bathroom because of how disgusting it is.
I miss cooking and baking. That's been my stress reliever for a long time, now I'm back to smoking. Which, being pregnant, is a horrible habit I need to end now. After having DS1 I suffered from PPD, and still do, that makes it harder to deal with all this bullshit.
I need to stop letting her run my life at home. I should be able to cook, have a clean sanitary home, and I shouldn't have to hide DS1 in his bedroom when she's here.
I think it's time to lay down more rules for SO. He is the father of all of these children, he needs to make sure they are all happy and safe, not just spoiled DS13.
You're right. I'm done hiding
You're right. I'm done hiding in my own home. I don't care what she does as lomg as it doesn't hurt DS1. I've been saying not my kid, not my problem when SO comes to complain about her. SO had no problem with me parenting her now and then, neither did SD13, BM2 and her mom started this shit and now look at me like the bad guy. They told SD13 I should do everything a mother does, except expecting her to act like more than an animal. Now that BM2 is being forced to be her mother instead of a friend she's pissed. Not my kid, not my BM, not my problems anymore.
I don't know what I'm making for dinner tonight, but it's going to be delicious. No SD13 this weekend either so I get to relax before work.
That is what I hate most
That is what I hate most about SPing... everyone expects you to "accept" and treat them as your own but they don't have to do what the hell you say, you can't claim them on your taxes, at least every year, they can disregard you like you don't even exist until on the BP are not available too broke to do it for them, or they just all out want you to to do something that they know the BPs won't do. Then when you complain about it they want you to "be the bigger the person" and "thats how all kids are"!!EF THAT!! Yeah, thats how they are when they know you can't do ish about it!!
I had a decent step life for
I had a decent step life for years. It was SO, SD18, SS15 and DS1. After DS turned 1 SO got custody of SD13 and the problems started. Of course there were the occasional problems, but BM1 and SO quickly ended them and I handled a lot on my own. Once SD13 came to live with us it went down hill quick. The older skids are acting out now because of her. I can still tolerate and parent them and I do treat them like my own. It's obvious that BM1 is a good mother, she's strict, but does her job. BM2 can't do shit. She has no job, no kids except SD13 every weekend, but can't find the time to parent her properly. Of course she expects us to pick up her slack as well as both workig full time, parenting 3 other kids, and another baby on the way. Not to mention 2 court cases, therapy, and so much other crap on a day to day basis,
And I'm sick of paying! I don't mind the bills, even though they've doubled with the SDs living with us. hate paying for the extra shit because BM2 can't get a fucking job to pay her half. I wanted to send SS15 to a summer camp for computer programming but we can't because it's $1,500 and it's going to spoiled ass SD13.
Totally with you on the tired
Totally with you on the tired of pay situation! I don't plan for vacations because I don't want to have to include SS13. I figure this way, DD4 and DS3 are still young so they don't really care for vacations now and wouldn't remember them later any way. SS13 is really smart (even though he is a lazy, unorganized, scatter-brained fuck)he will get into a good school far far away from here in about 4 years, in which case DD and DS will be 8 and 7 and those are good ages for vacationing. I can see it now!! I can't wait!!
I even plan family day outtings around the weekends he isn't here. I have said to friend once that if it wasn't myself and Ms Toya (BD's new wife who is a doctor) I don't know what they would do to care for SS13 because neither one of them can keep a job and the jobs they get pay $1 over SHIT!! I've joked with friends that Ms. Toya and I should run away together but she has made mention how much she hates paying for everything too. LOL!
5 more years until she is 18,
5 more years until she is 18, about 7 until she's out of school (if we're lucky). My SO wants her to meet the rest of my family. They live out of state and we can only afford to visit every few months. I won't take her. She's too spoiled and a fucking cunt. I won't tolerate her treating my family like she treated me. I also won't pay for her to go on the trip with us. It's expensive as it is. I don't want to pay for another hotel room and to feed her 10 times a day.
I wish BM2 could find someone to pay. All of her bfs/gfs are broke alcoholics/junkies. The newest one is her cousin! Keep it in the family BM2. Show your daughter how to be a human being ha ha.She put her last fiance in jail and cheated on him the whole time, then he dumped her and she's back to jumping from bed to bed to car to bed. No wonder SD13 is becoming a slut too.
SD13**
SD13**